Chapter Text
The memories of regressing in front of Nat made Lottie nauseous. They were blurry and she wasn’t sure she remembered all of it, but what she did remember, made her stomach sour and heavy in a way she couldn’t handle. She sat up in bed abruptly, heaving weighty breaths as she tried to swallow down the burning in the back of her throat. Was it shame? Or the fact she’d taken the pills on an empty stomach last night? Lottie wasn’t quite sure. She rubbed roughly at her face and glanced over at Laura Lee’s sleeping form in the dark room. She was well out, which was a relief - Lottie didn’t think she could handle the caregiver fussing over her now. As quietly as possible, Lottie slipped out of the bed and creeped towards the small bathroom connected to the room. Her whole body ached and creaked as she moved, the bed leaving her stiffer than she had expected. The bathroom lights hummed above her, the tiles cool beneath her feet. She leant her palms against the sink, and her forehead against the mirror. Lottie had no idea how she’d get through the day, or even just the next few hours. She felt so ashamed and so angry with herself. It felt like with every passing day it was more of a fight to stop herself from regressing and Lottie couldn’t understand what she was doing wrong. The pills were supposed to work wonders, why not for Lottie?
Unfortunately, Lottie’s spiralling was cut short by a retching from deep in her chest. Bile burnt up the back of her throat and only just made it into the sink. Cloudy acid glared back at Lottie, and she immediately wanted to cry. Her throat hurt so much, her face was hot, and though the nausea was starting to waver - Lottie’s stomach still felt unsettled.
“Lottie, are you ok in there?” Laura Lee’s voice called out gently.
“Yeah,” Lottie responded - her voice shaky and weak.
Laura Lee frowned from the other side of the door, worry creasing her face. “I heard puking, do you need me to get Coach Martinez?” She offered, and then, “or Nat?” Lottie’s heckles immediately rose at the suggestion, she pulled herself away from the sink.
“No. I’m fine.”
Lottie quickly rinsed out her mouth and washed her face with cold water - trying to shock herself into feeling bigger than she really did. She held herself together as much as she could, coming out of the bathroom, determined to bury any inkling of regression as far down as possible.
The game. It was all Lottie needed to think about. Not the burning in the back of her throat, or how safe she had felt falling asleep in Nat’s arms last night. She went through the motions like she’d been trained to do her entire life. Get dressed, brush hair, ask everyone how they slept, eat breakfast, swallow pills, smile politely and tell everyone she is feeling much better. And it worked - it really did, Lottie got all the way through warmups without so much as misstepping once. And she really thought she could make it through the rest of the trip just like that, until she was in the change room putting on her cleats. The music had died down, leaving only the soft thrum of the baseline coming from the field, and Lottie had let herself slip almost fully into tunnel vision game mode. When she realised only she and Nat were left. “Hey Lot,” Natalie greeted - her tone casual and low in the way it always was, as she slid down onto the yellow wooden bench beside Lottie.
“Hey Nat,” Lottie parroted - trying to copy every inch of Nat’s tone and not let on the way her chest suddenly felt inexplicably tight.
“Last night-“
“Oh, yeah, I’m sorry about that, it won’t happen again,” Lottie promised and she really did mean it, even if it went against her every instinct.
Nat coughed gruffly, like for some reason she was the uncomfortable one here. Maybe Lottie had been that awful last night. She shuffled a little, clasping her hands together and leaning forward against her knees. “I actually wanted to talk about those pills - uh, the blockers? Look I know it’s probably not my place but I read the warnings list,”
Warnings? There were warnings? At home the maids always handled the pill bottles and she hadn’t thought to read the information panel since she’d been on the trip. It’s not like her parents would risk her health just to hide her regression. Only, Lottie knew as soon as the thought came that it was entirely untrue. “Jesus Nat, you didn’t need to pry like that.” Lottie snapped in defence, her face dropping into disbelief and what almost felt like anger? Lottie didn’t get angry often - but the hot red burning all over her body couldn’t be misconstrued. “It’s actually none of your business.”
“Hey, Lot. I was just worried about you. I know your parents are making you take them but we could figure something out.”
Lottie laughed coldly, standing up from the bench because she couldn’t actually bear to be so close to Nat anymore. “Well I don’t need you to be worried about me. Just because your parents never gave two shits about you doesn’t mean you can jump down my back just because mine do.” Lottie knows as soon as the words leave her mouth that she didn’t really mean it. But it’s immediately too late because Nat’s gentle stature had already turned stiff and cold.
“Oh fuck off Lottie.” Nat snapped. “Drug yourself to oblivion, see if I care.” She shoved past Lottie roughly, their shoulders crashing together in Nat’s haste to get out of the argument.
Lottie swallowed thickly. Her chest pounding and her head reeling. All that was left to do with the adrenaline pounding through her body was run out onto that pitch and play better than Nat. Which was a petulant thought to have, but the only one she could form.
The grass was dry, and crackled under the studs of her shoes. The air was heavy and it only made Lottie push harder to get through it. She ran across the field with a vigour and a blindness she’d never experienced before. She kicked harder, she slid faster, and she got more penalties for running into her own team mates than ever before. It wasn’t necessarily Lottie’s fault that they lost, but it wasn’t not her fault either. Especially if you blamed her Nat getting benched for swearing at the ref halfway through the game.
Regardless of who’s fault it was, the Yellowjackets lost and like every year before, their season ended long before nationals even became an option.