Chapter Text
Riki has absolutely no idea when he slept, but as he opened his eyes he definitely knew he hasn’t been asleep for long. The crazy dancing session he had earlier was now making his every limb ache. And the lack of sleep for these past months was making his head pound unbearably. But he doubts the headache is only due to the lack of sleep because right now he’s sure he feels sick if the heat emanating from his body and the sweat drenching his clothes are any sign for that.
He cursed under his breath, his body really couldn’t find a worst time than this to shut down. He’s already caused so much trouble to his team by injuring their leader, and they’d have to face their fans this morning because they’re going to China. He has no idea how he’s going to walk among the flood of fans and reporters in the airport later. But he promised himself to keep this state of his a secret at least until they’re in China and the fanmeet is over.
His throat felt so dry, he eyed the water bottles lined up next to the door but they looked so far away and his body was refusing to move. He still tried his best to get up and ended up stumbling on his blanket and rolling on the floor with his legs still tangled in it. But at least by rolling he was able to get to the water. He drank in slow sips to avoid making his throat hurt further. And now he was looking at his bed thinking of how he’ll make it there, it was too much effort, also noting the coldness of the floor he decided he’s better off just laying on the floor for the rest of the night and ended up sleeping there.
Next time he woke up it was to loud bangs rattling the door, each one reverberating throughout his whole body as he was still laying on the floor with his back to the door.
“Ni-ki! Wake up we can’t be late to our flight!” Sunghoon’s loud voice came next.
To avoid being banged by the door if Sunghoon opens it he clears his throat and replies that he’s up. He thought after some sleep he would wake up feeling better but seems like sleeping on the floor was a very bad idea as his already aching muscles were now even sorer. He mustered all his strength and stoop up. Luckily he was close to the wall so he steadied himself by grabbing into it after the dizziness that hit him upon standing up. He wore a hoodie to hide his face and took some clean comfy clothes to wear to the airport as he headed to take a shower hoping it would ease the ache he was feeling and maybe also lower his fever.
Since it was just a one day trip he didn’t need to take much stuff all he needed was already packed. He just grabbed some cold pills, took some and stashed the rest in his bag.
Once he entered the dorm understairs he mumbled a quiet good morning and sat quietly on his seat hoping to avoid the attention of his band mates because he had no appetite and ate an even smaller portion than usual but he can’t hide from Jay’s observant self.
“Riki is that all you’re eating?”
Riki startled at the question. “I’m not too hungry..”
Jake looked at him with worry. “But Riki san you need to eat well to have energy for today.”
Jungwon let out a snore making everyone turn to him.
“On top of not sleeping now you’re also not eating. Do you want to collapse in front of the fans before you start thinking properly?”
Riki kept looking down not daring to cross his leader’s gaze and apologized again as he continued forcing himself to eat.
Sunoo left for a brief moment then came back with a bowl of strawberries and set it next to Ni-ki while giving him a warm smile. He knows how much Riki loves strawberries and noticed that he was eating his food forcibly so he thought that maybe if he gave him something he liked he’d eat it without having to force himself.
Riki was really very thankful as he returned the smile and started eating the strawberries.
Jungwon was still noticeably limping but he needed to walk normal on the airport to not draw unnecessary attention so they decided he would walk in the middle so that even if he limped a bit no one would notice.
Riki was last in line and as usual fans and reporters surrounded them barely leaving some space for them to walk. The other members were shielding Jungwon as they agreed upon, but some fans cut in the space between Riki and his hyungs and shoved their cameras to his face making it hard for him to keep moving. Luckily there were still two bodyguards with him, but everyone kept pushing that he almost fell if not for the bodyguard catching him. They couldn’t get away until the bodyguards started shoving everyone away to clear the path. Once back to safety Riki thanked the bodyguards and went to board in the airplane.
Heeseung and Sunghoon were right at the entrance waiting for him and asked if everything was fine and he explained that some fans blocked his path but the bodyguards handled it.
He rarely slept on short flights, yet this time exhaustion pulled him under before the plane had even left the ground.
This time, it was Jake who woke him, gently telling him that they’d already descended.
The effect of the pills he took earlier seemed to be fading already as the pounding in his skull returned tenfold. But he still couldn’t let it show.
This time they decided to stick to Jungwon even closer because they have some really bad memories from their arrivals to China and didn’t want to leave anything to chance.
Riki again was last in line because he was too tired to walk any faster. He had Yuki-nim with him this time though so he felt safer, until he felt someone touching his hand. This wasn’t anything new it always happens to him and as freaked out as it makes him feel he just keeps his poker face and keeps walking every time. Although this time it was a bit different as seconds later the touching turned into his whole arm being grabbed and yanked until he stumbled and fell to his knees. The airport security rushed to push away the fans and Yuki-nim helped the maknae up to his feet. He tried to speed up to quickly get away from there but ended up having to drag Riki the whole way out.
Riki felt instant pain on his ankle when he got up and guessed that he must have sprained it when that fan grabbed him. The pain from his shin flared up again too.
Once in the bus he noticed everyone surrounding Jungwon. Yuki-nim asked another manager what happened and he told him that someone in the airport tripped Jungwon making his ankle worse. And then Yuki-nim remembered Riki and asked him if he was hurt but Riki lying once again, said he was just a bit startled, and nothing more.
At the hotel they had no time for rest already getting their makeup done and wearing their clothes to head to the fanmeet venue. Luckily they didn’t need to stand up much as most of the fansign was done seated. So neither Jungwon nor Ni-ki got their limp exposed, but Riki’s fever was making him drowsy more and more. He kept telling himself that he just need to keep it up for a few more minutes and then everything would be done and he would be able to drop the act. The translator assigned to him sensed his distress and asked him if he was okay before the next fan arrived. He said he was fine but it was so obvious that he wasn’t so she asked him if he wanted her to inform their manager and he refused saying it was almost done now and that he can keep up for a bit more. The translator kept glancing at him with worry but had no other choice.
They bid goodbye to their fans and headed backstage. Riki was the first one to leave, his translator hurrying after him with a bottle of water but his hands were so shaky that he ended up dropping the bottle spilling all its content on the floor. And maybe Jungwon’s luck was just so bad these days or the universe is so adamant to make things worse between the maknae and the leader but Jungwon came next and slipped up in the pool of water Riki had spilled.
The thud of the fall and his yelp echoed through the place. Riki forgetting all his pain and exhaustion ran to his hyung fueled by guilt and worry.
“Jungwon hyung are okay? I’m sorry it’s because of me.. I accidentally dropped my bottle of water..”
“Great! Just great! It just had to be you again.” Jungwon replied snarkily even through pain.
Ni-ki felt so dejected and stepped back while their staff and the other members surrounded Jungwon to aid him.
He stood quietly in the corner, guilt pressing in on him, when all the symptoms from earlier came crashing back with a vengeance
Suddenly, his world titled, the voices around him fading into nothing as he slipped into darkness.
The translator was the first one to notice him collapsing. She yelled his name drawing everyone’s attention to the scene. They all watched in horror as the maknae lay unconscious on the floor.
Jungwon slept the last night awake. He couldn’t sleep no matter how hard he tried. The harsh words he said to Ni-ki kept replaying in his head. The moment he spilled the first word he knew he was gonna regret everything he said later but he just couldn’t stop himself. Being a leader is not an easy task for him, and his perfectionist nature makes it even harder because he always tries to make everything perfect and ends up blaming himself when things don’t go as planned. He was really on edge and it just happened to be Riki who had to do something to anger him and so he just vented all his anger on the poor maknae.
He wanted to apologize but then Riki skipped dinner and he missed his chance. He even went up alone to apologize but found him already asleep. But then in the morning he woke up even crankier after spending the whole night thinking of what happened and ended up hurting Riki even more with his words.
Now seeing Riki laying there motionless, he wanted to cry. He felt like the worst leader, human and hyung on earth. What had possessed him to treat and talk to his maknae the way he did? He really has no idea but he’s hating on himself for letting it control him.
Back to the hotel they had a doctor already waiting for them in Riki’s room. Sunghoon carried the maknae on his back and put him on his bed to let the doctor do his job.
He measured his temperature which was 39°C. “His fever is really high.” The doctor said with knitted brows. The nurse then brought a cold patch and helped stick it to Riki’s forehead while the doctor prepared the IV drip, hooking the line to his arm. The cool rush of fluids seemed to stir him awake, his lashes fluttering as he slowly regained consciousness.
“Hello Riki-ssi. I am a doctor. You lost consciousness earlier and now we’re in your hotel room. All your members and your manager are here so don’t worry.” The doctor explained in a calm tone with a warm smile that seemed to ease Riki up. After a pause, he gently added, “Could you please tell me what’s hurting you right now?”
Ni-ki knew there was no use hiding anything right now so he pointed to his right ankle and then he said “And my left shin too..”
The doctor and nurse immediately focused on the spots he mentioned.
“The bruise on your shin needs icing and I’ll also prescribe a cream to help it heal nicely. As for your ankle thankfully nothing is broken but you still need to refrain from walking on it for at least two days and absolutely no dancing or running for a week. We’ll ice it now along with your shin.” The doctor explained to both the patient and the other people in the room, and then carried out the treatment with the help of his nurse, finishing it by elevating his leg on a pillow before stepping back with a reassuring nod.
As soon as the medical staff has left the hotel room, six figures loomed over Riki : five of his members and their manager Yuki-nim. If Riki had all his brain power at that moment he would’ve noticed that Jungwon didn’t come close but right now his brain was barely functioning, he just wanted to sleep.
“Riki yah, why didn’t you tell us until it got this bad?” Jay was the first one to ask.
Riki barely registering the words just kept repeating over and over again: “Didn’t want to inconvenience hyungs..”
Sunoo literally teared up. Then they heard the door closing and noticed that Jungwon had abruptly left. All of them knew exactly why he left. They all felt their hearts squeezing at Riki’s state and the words he kept repeating as the reason why he hid his injuries and sickness. But Jungwon was the one who had said hurtful words to the maknae and told him to stop inconveniencing them so of course seeing the maknae barely conscious and saying stuff like that would make Jungwon feel worse than all of them combined.
Jake kept petting Ni-ki’s hair until he closed his eyes and his breathing evened indicating that he had fallen asleep. Jake and Heeseung stayed with him just in case he woke up and needed something while the others went to find Jungwon.
They knocked on his door but he didn’t open so they used the card given to them by Yuki-nim.
Inside, they found Jungwon sitting on the floor, knees drawn to his chest, head buried in his arms, and shoulders shaking violently as his sobs kept coming so fast and deep that it seemed like he was on the verge of hyperventilating.
They all rushed to him, dropping to their knees without hesitation.
“Jungwon-ah, sweetheart… it’s okay” Jay murmured with a soft yet firm voice, one hand gently rubbing circles on Jungwon’s shoulder. “I promise you, no one is blaming you. Not even Riki. He’s going to recover, and you two will talk it out. Everything will be fine.”
“No... No hyung…” Jungwon choked out between ragged sobs. “I messed up so bad this time... I can never forgive myself for the words I said to him… I dumped all my piled up frustration and anger on him... he didn’t deserve any of it... I wanted to apologize that first night... but then I didn’t. And then the next day, I made things even worse... I’m a terrible leader... and an even worse hyung. He’s my only dongsaeng and I treated him like that... I’m really a big asshole... I’m-“
Sunghoon didn’t let him finish. He reached forward, grasping Jungwon’s trembling hands tightly.
“Okay, stop. Look, Jungwon we all make mistakes. I’m not gonna sugarcoat things and tell you that you did nothing wrong. You were wrong. And yes you still Ni-ki an apology, and you’ll have to make it up to him. But that doesn’t mean you get to tear yourself apart like this. We all know how much your role as leader weighs on you, and lately… things have been rough for all of us but especially you. You’ve been carrying too much on your own.” There was a pause and then with a softer voice Sunghoon continued. “Jungwonie, you’re not just a leader to us, you’re also our maknae, our dongsaeng, our dear friend. You’re still so young. When things get hard please lean on us. Talk to us. Let us help you. We’ll be more than happy to help you with anything you need, to carry that weight with you.”
Jungwon’s sobs quieted a little as he looked at his three hyungs. Then his eyes fell on the person who had been silent this whole time. Sunoo shifted closer and, without warning, pulled Jungwon into a bone-crushing hug.
“Hyung… Riki probably hates me now… I don’t know what to do anymore…”
Sunoo sighed but didn’t loosen his hold.
“Wonie, you’re really dumb, aren’t you?”
“W-what do you mean?”
“Why do you think Ni-ki hid his injuries and sickness from us? It’s because he didn’t want to stress us out any more than we already were, especially you. You know how observant our maknae is. He noticed how hard you’ve been on yourself lately, how you looked two seconds away from collapsing every day. If he hated you, he wouldn’t have cared at all. He would’ve put his own well-being first. But he didn’t, because he’s just so selfless, and he adores you so much. Actually, he’s probably the one worried about you hating him.”
“I could never hate him!”
“Right. Of course we know, but he probably needs to hear that from you.” Jay said with a big smile.
It was already night when Riki woke up. He was alone in his room, but then he suddenly heard the door opening. It was dark, and he couldn’t see well. Panic surged through him, his breathing quickened, tears pooled in his eyes, and his knuckles turned white from how tightly he clutched his blanket. A small whimper escaped him when the shadow came closer, but then the lights suddenly turned on.
“Riki? Are you okay?!” Jungwon’s panicked voice rang out, immediately calming Riki’s nerves a little.
“Hyung… it’s you…”
“Yeah, Riki, it’s me. Did something happen? Why are you crying? And why do you look so scared?”
Ni-ki avoided the leader’s eyes and stayed silent. But then it clicked for Jungwon. He remembered the day those sasaengs broke into their dorm and into Riki’s room, and how shaken Riki had looked that day, and that entire week. Back then, Riki suddenly seemed fine, so they had all assumed he had gotten over it. But now Jungwon realized he hadn’t… and still wasn’t over it.
Jungwon approached him carefully, then sat on the side of his bed.
“Riki-yah… has all the late-night gaming these past few months been because you couldn’t sleep? Because you’re still afraid to sleep in your room after that incident?”
Ni-ki stiffened at the question but gave no answer.
“Riki… please talk to me.”
Riki’s eyes glistened with tears before he slowly nodded.
Jungwon couldn’t hold back his own tears as he pulled his dongsaeng into a firm embrace.
“I’m sorry… I’m so, so sorry, Riki. I should’ve known. I should’ve checked on you more… I shouldn’t have hurt you with my words or vented my anger on you. Please forgive me, Riki. Forgive this bad hyung of yours… this incompetent leader…”
Riki hugged Jungwon even tighter.
“Hyung, you did nothing wrong… It was me who stayed silent. There’s no way for any of you to know about something I never spoke of. I thought that after some time I’d just forget… but it’s hard… it’s really hard, hyung. I just don’t know how to make this fear go away.”
“Oh, Riki… I had no idea you were going through all of this… And I just kept acting like a jerk without knowing anything… I’m really sorry… I promise I’ll make it up to you, I’ll be better from now on! If I ever act like a jerk again, you have my permission to slap me in the face to wake me up, though I’ll make sure never to hurt you again. And when we get back to South Korea, we’ll get you an appointment with a therapist to help you. We’ll all be with you until you can sleep peacefully again.”
“Thank you, hyung… Also, I’m really sorry for injuring you because of my mistake, I-”
Jungwon quickly cut him off. “You have nothing to apologize for. You didn’t do it on purpose, and you also got injured. Just forget about all of that and focus on healing now.”
Riki smiled warmly, still wrapped in the comfort of Jungwon’s arms. Jungwon pulled back from the hug when he heard a pained whimper from Riki.
“What’s wrong?” he asked with a frown.
“It’s just my headache… I think crying made it come back again.”
“Oh, god. No more crying! Let’s just sleep now. We have a flight to catch tomorrow.”
Riki fidgeted with his sleeves for a moment before finally speaking in a small voice. “Hyung… can you sleep here… with me?”
Jungwon chuckled as he was already slipping under the blanket next to the maknae.
“Did you really think I was going to leave you alone? If you think you’re getting rid of me anytime soon, think again.”
They both laughed, and after a while, drifted off to dreamland with lighter hearts.