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Who’s Your (Holy) Zaddy? Hot Priest Edition

[VIDEO: Segment from the “Who’s Your Zaddy?” portion of tonight’s episode of After Midnight with Taylor Tomlinson:

TAYLOR: Now, in case you haven’t been following the news lately, the Catholic Church was recently in the market for a new Holy Father. And boy, oh boy, did the cardinals deliver:

Pull back to a shot of the big screen with a photograph of Pope Innocent XIV, to immense applause.

TAYLOR: Naturally, the Internet has weighed in, calling Pope Innocent XIV a variety of fun little nicknames, like ‘Habemus Hottie’—

The photograph changes to the screenshot of someone’s Twitter post.

TAYLOR: ‘Papi Inocencio’—

The screenshot changes to another Tweet.

TAYLOR: And ‘the Papasote’. 

Another Tweet.

TAYLOR: I think we can safely say that while the Conclave might have elected a new Holy Father, the Internet has found itself a new Holy Zaddy. And in honor of that, tonight we’re going to play a special round of ‘Who’s Your (Holy) Zaddy’, Hot Priest Edition!

Wide shot of the three panelists. The one on the left, a handsome young Chinese man in red and black, is already doubled over on his podium, giggling.

TAYLOR: The rules of this game are simple. You have each been assigned a mystery Zaddy, though tonight all of them are high-ranking Catholic Church officials. You will try to guess who your hot priest is through the clues that I give you. If you confess correctly, you get a hundred points. If you can’t get it right, your fellow panelists will be able to steal your Zaddy—and the points they come with—from you. 

The handsome young Chinese man raises his hand.

TAYLOR: Yes, William.

WILLIAM: Will we get excommunicated for this?

TAYLOR: Yes.

WILLIAM: Sounds great. I’m in. 

TAYLOR: In that case, you can go first. (A photograph of Cardinal Modesto Villanueva appears on William’s podium. The audience sighs dreamily.) This Cardinal is known for his skills with the guitar and a lovely singing voice. He’s very young for his age, and has made great efforts to bring young people back to the church through his work with Catholic Youth—

WILLIAM: (slams button) Chito Mendoza.

TAYLOR: Do you even want to hear the last clue?

WILLIAM: You mean it’s NOT him? The karaoke priest? 

TAYLOR: I said guitar, not karaoke!

WILLIAM: Okay, fine, last clue.

TAYLOR: He’s been on the record speculating that loosening the requirements for clerical celibacy could end the vocation crisis in the Church.

WILLIAM: (slams button) Cardinal Luis Antonio “Chito” Mendoza!

TAYLOR: Is that your final answer?

WILLIAM: I still can’t believe you’d give me those other two clues and it’s NOT Cardinal Mendoza. 

TAYLOR: Believe it or not, there can be more than one young-looking singing Cardinal! Come on, lock in your answer, Will. 

WILLIAM: Oh. Oh. Oh, wait, I know. It’s the Spanish guy. Cardinal Villanueva! 

TAYLOR: Yes! Cardinal Modesto Villanueva of Toledo, Spain! (The big screen shows a nice photo of Cardinal Villanueva adjusting his clerical collar.) With a face like that, I’m sure he’s not the only one who wants an end to clerical celibacy. 

The panelist on the right, another handsome young Chinese man in an olive green suit, snickers behind his fan.

TAYLOR: (turning to the panelist on the right) Henry, your turn. Who’s your Zaddy?

HENRY: This feels like a threat.

A photograph of Cardinal Roberto Francisco Martinez appears on his podium. The crowd murmurs—they hadn’t seen much about this man in the press during the conclave.

TAYLOR: All right. This Cardinal loves long drives and short homilies, and recently made a splash at a Vatican charity tennis event hosted by the late Pope Ignatius—

HENRY: Oh, I don’t know, I really, really don’t know… 

TAYLOR: He’s known to be the steady, quiet one in the room, and is rumoured to be replacing Cardinal Tutino as the head of the Dicastery for Bishops… 

WILLIAM: (elbowing the panelist next to him) Haha, Bertie, he could be you if you were Catholic!

ALBERT: (deadpan) Don’t be ridiculous.

TAYLOR: Last clue: he’s originally from Chicago, but moved to Peru when he was younger…

HENRY: I don’t know, the guy who made the Habemus Papam announcement?

An incorrect chime.

TAYLOR: Aww, too bad. Albert, Will, do either of you want to take this?

WILLIAM: (smashes button) Cardinal Albert Lan.

TAYLOR: (snorting) Sorry, no. 

WILLIAM: What! 

TAYLOR: Your coworker’s Chinese, not Peruvian!

WILLIAM: But he’s also a man of few words and has a killer tennis serve!

TAYLOR: Okay, I will give you a point for being such a simp for Bertie here—(presses a button to give William exactly one point) but let’s be serious, we’re looking for a Cardinal.

ALBERT: (dignifiedly presses the button) Cardinal Roberto Francisco Martinez, Archbishop of Chiclayo. 

TAYLOR: Wow, yes, correct. (rewards points, as a larger photograph of Cardinal Martinez eating ice cream in a white shirt with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows appears on the big screen) I don’t even know how you know that, all the media buzz around this conclave went to, well, everyone else. 

WILLIAM: Don’t underestimate Bertie! (nudges his fellow panelist again)

TAYLOR: All right, Albert, you’re up. (A photograph of Cardinal Goffredo Tedesco appears on the podium. The audience is a mixture of gasps and groans.)

ALBERT: Cardinal Goffredo Tedesco, Patriarch of Venice.

TAYLOR: What! How’d you— (rewards points) I didn’t even read out the clues!

ALBERT: I gauged the audience reaction. Few cardinals elicit such a remarkable response.

TAYLOR: Incredible. You must be popular during trivia nights.

WILLIAM: (slinging an arm around Albert’s shoulder) We always win!

TAYLOR: Well, our final Holy Zaddy is up for anyone to guess—but maybe we need to stop Albert from responding until all the clues are in. 

Albert’s eyes narrow. A photograph of Aldo Bellini appears on everyone’s podiums.

TAYLOR: This Cardinal has been very outspoken about making the Church more welcoming to LGBTQ+ and divorced people. He was one of the frontrunners in this last conclave, and will likely retain his position as Secretary of State—

Albert and William both slam their buttons.

WILLIAM: Cardinal Mario Assente! (incorrect buzzer) No, I was joking—Cardinal Bellini!

TAYLOR: Correct! (A bigger photo of Cardinal Bellini hugging someone with a rainbow drawn on their cheek appears on the big screen) Cardinal Aldo Bellini, the man who was almost Pope!

WILLIAM: Probably better for him that he wasn’t, I’d be shocked to see what level of stress lies beyond ‘balding’! 

TAYLOR: And you wish that on our current Pope? 

WILLIAM: (laughing) No, but if he does start to go bald we’ll at least see it as a distress signal!

TAYLOR: (awards him his points, and some extra) Incredible. And here I thought the little cape things were enough of a distress display. 

The screen switches to a photograph of Pope Innocent’s white pellegrina flapping into his face. 

TAYLOR: Well, that’s it for tonight’s “Who’s Your (Holy) Zaddy: Hot Priest Edition”. We’re going to break briefly for confession—nah, I’m just joking, I already did my time in church; I have no more shame. Don’t come after us, though, Vatican. We’ll be right back with #HashtagWars! Stick around.]

After Midnight
268K subscribers

21k views   17 November 2024  #Conclave2024 #TaylorTomlinson

In honor of the recent inaugural Mass of Pope Innocent XIV, Taylor Tomlinson assigns some holy Zaddies to William Wei, Albert Lan, and Henry Nie, including Cardinals Bellini, Tedesco, Villanueva, and Martinez.

#AfterMidnight #TaylorTomlinson #zaddy #conclave #pope #popeinnocentxiv 

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10 Comments

@hailvenus 2 hrs ago
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN CARDI CHITO 🇵🇭 🇵🇭 😭
42 likes

@kartodos 3 hrs ago
So glad to see Cardinal Martinez getting the recognition he deserves - I mean who said that
35 likes

@valgus 4 hrs ago
Anyone else get a bit of a gay vibe from William and Albert?
5 likes

@saintoleander 3 hrs ago
Just the right amount of blasphemy to keep us on our toes! Thanks Taylor!
10 likes

@mollyodonnell 30 min ago
All of you are going to hell