Chapter Text
Gemma dropped one of the moving boxes on the ground, wiping some drops of sweat off her forehead. It wasn’t the ideal weather for moving.
“I think that’s the last one,” she said in Helly’s general direction, who was sitting by the round kitchen table sorting through their (now joined) glass set. The sun in the window shone directly onto them, cascading their kitchen in different colours.
Helly's, now their, apartment wasn't super big, with only one bedroom, but Helly had been adamant in picking the least extravagant place she could find. She said she wanted nothing less than to escape the lonely vastness she had experienced in the home she'd shared with her father.
“I think these two go well together.” Helly held up a glass patterned with strawberries and a plain red one.
Gemma smiled. “I agree. Very cute.”
“Right?” Then Helly looked at the box, nodding impressively. “We did a pretty awesome job today. Very efficient,” she added.
Walking up to the table, Gemma wrapped her arms around Helly from behind. She leaned her head onto her shoulder. Images of other hugs flashed through her mind, ones forced onto her by that man in the basement, but Helly’s presence stopped her from tensing up. She knew she was safe. Unlike during those first few weeks, where Mark was trying to find his way back to her. She had almost elbowed him a few times.
It made her feel guilty.
Helly put her hand on Gemma’s arm, leaning back against the touch.
“Now we don’t have to worry anymore,” she said with a firm nod.
“I agree…” Gemma repeated in a mumble, closing her eyes and hugging tighter. “Do you really think we’ll be fine?”
“Yes. I hope so. No, I know so.”
Helly was always sure about what she wanted. Headstrong. Helena less so. In front of the camera, in front of an audience, she was trained to say the right thing and smile at the right time. When all those things were swept away, there was only Helena, who had never been allowed to want anything for herself. Gemma had never met Helly, the original Helly, without Helena’s messy personality tangled in with it, but they had talked extensively about it, about everything they felt.
She guessed it helped that they had barely attended a single therapy session without each other.
---
four months prior, april
Their shared home could not possibly feel less home to her than it did. As she looked around, she didn’t recognise the warmth their old house used to hold, back then. Mark had lived in this one without her for a long time, and she knew it had never been his choice, but it made her feel distant.
Gemma in the basement, who yearned to come back to her husband, the same one she had left behind. Ms. Casey in the basement, whose wellness session facility had been the closest thing she knew to a home. Other parts of her, of which most had not even been granted proper names, whose lives were singular tasks repeated over and over into eternity and didn’t even know what a home was.
None of them belonged here.
Mark had already completed his reintegration before she had even had a time to start. In an attempt to save her life, he had ultimately left her behind. He was similar to her Mark, but also so different. Too different.
She felt like a stranger in her own home. Some parts of her were strangers.
“How are you feeling?” Mark said, reaching out to caress her arms. They stood in the hallway, Gemma leaning up against a bureau and Mark standing in front of her. The wall behind them was half-painted in a light green colour—left untouched for weeks—from one of Gemma’s attempts to add herself to this house.
She didn’t return the affection, trying to stop herself from pulling away. The sensation annoyed her, but she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
“It’s fine,” she said, but she wasn’t sure. She hesitated before saying, “Helena is meeting me there.”
Mark nodded, slow, expression not yielding any reaction. She knew he loved Helena, Helly, about as much as he loved her. Those feelings had never gone away, and they might not. She also knew he wasn’t thrilled that the two of them had entered into some kind of… pact. He’d told her he felt left out.
Maybe she should be happy that he chose to try and continue their married life together, despite his feelings being split in two. Despite having an epic love story with another woman.
But she couldn’t find it in her.
“Good luck, then,” he said, moving forward to plant a kiss on her forehead, but stopping himself and stepping away instead. She nodded, turned to open the front door, and glanced back to see him walking into the dimmer parts of the house.
Helena was always waiting for her at the clinic, whether it was her own appointment or Gemma’s. They had started their reintegration at the same time, after both of them expressed their intense fear at what was to come. Gemma wasn’t sure she could handle remembering any more parts of that building, and Helena was worried about the guilt she would experience after gaining Helly’s memories.
When Gemma saw her sitting on the park bench outside the clinic, hands in her lap, she found the feeling she’d been looking for in her new house.
As if sensing her presence, Helena looked up from the ground and met Gemma’s gaze. Her lips formed a small, gentle smile. Gemma could tell she was overjoyed.
“Hi,” Helena said when Gemma got close enough.
“Hey, “ Gemma started, returning the smile. “Shitty day I’m about to have, huh?”
Helena tilted her head from side to side, contemplating. “Something like that.” She paused. “Actually, probably. But you’ll have me there.”
“I will have you there.”
“Let’s rip the bandaid off, then.”
When they entered the therapist’s office, the therapist was immediately dismayed at seeing Helena in Gemma’s tow. It’s something that had been expressed already in the first visit, but Gemma’s progress had noticeably deteriorated as soon as Helena had been asked to stay in the waiting room one time. The whole facility knew they came as a pair, at this point.
They both sat down on the opposite couch, and the therapist started explaining to Gemma how they were going to progress from here.
While it had been a choice whether or not to reintegrate, after Lumon shut down, all ex-employees hade been heavily recommended to do so. Apparently the negative effects of reintegration would overweigh the negative effects of having that other side of you cut out forever. The guilt and unknowing would drive people insane.
Sometimes, Gemma thought maybe everyone realised she was a special case. That maybe her reintegration was a can of worms too heavy to attempt opening. But they couldn’t stop once they had started. The reintegration process had definitely improved since Mark went through it, but the sickness part still came back full-force if no progress was made.
A big part of Gemma’s process was remembering what had happened in each individual room. To gain the memories and to amalgamate her current feelings with the ones she had felt in these rooms. Having innies amount to double digits was quite unusual (or unheard of), but the facility tried their best. These sessions always came coupled with doctor visits and lots of uncomfortable prodding at the ex-employees heads, but Gemma found the talking part to be the worst.
“Gemma…” her therapist started. They were always trying to be so gentle with her, and she kind of hated it. She might be a victim by definition, but it hadn’t made her weak. “What does this mean to you?”
She held up a photograph, one that looked like it had been taken at a crime scene. It was one of the many pictures that had been taken inside of the Lumon headquarters after they had been taken down. Pictures taken to be used in the many court cases. And for reintegration purposes.
This particular one was showing a dentist chair, sitting in the middle of a room.
Gemma cringed, suddenly feeling sick to her stomach. Helena immediately noticed the shift, and grabbed her hand. At that, Gemma’s breath eased out. She hadn’t even noticed she had gotten close to hyperventilating. She grabbed on hard, noting all the different textures at the back of Helly’s hand.
This didn’t mean she was weak. This meant she was strong.
After the session, they walked out into a dark evening. The sun had started setting through the window when they were in the office.
“You did really good,” Helena said, squeezing the hand she had been grabbing onto all the way out of the building. The affection they shared was never odd or out of place. It was natural.
“It’s…” Gemma looked up at the sky, focusing on the few stars that were visible. “It’s an interesting experience.”
“To say the least.”
“When’s your next one?” Gemma asked and turned her eyes back to Helena’s. Her hair looked so soft.
“Thursday. Actually, we should create a shared calendar. You’ll be there anyway, I assume.”
“Always.”
“I’ll send you an invite then.”
They both started walking in the same direction, without anything decided between them. It was almost like an unspoken rule that after going to a session together they would walk home together. Gemma tried to avoid vehicles as much as she could, after remembering the rooms simulating her crashing in planes and cars and everything in-between. There was only a 40 minute walk from the clinic to home, anyway. And Helena never complained.
“I’ve been thinking,” Helena said after a while of silence. Their hands had slipped apart but they still walked close, shoulders bumping together now and then. Gemma made a noise of acknowledgement. “I, we, whatever, are deciding to go by, uhm, Helly, instead of Helena.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, uh…” Helena (Helly) seemed embarrassed. “Making a statement, I guess.” Gemma gave her space to continue. “I want to disconnect myself as much as possible from Lumon. From, well, my father.”
Gemma stopped waking, and Helly did the same. “I love that,” she said. “Helly.”
Sometimes Gemma remembered how she felt as Ms. Casey; how the longest memory that part of her held was taking care of Helly. She can’t quite grasp the details, but she knew Helly was in pain, and Ms. Casey had been tasked with making sure she was safe. Gemma still felt that, now, and she didn’t know if she would ever stop feeling it.
---
June
The sun shone bright in her eyes despite the sun hat on her head. She had to angle it down to be able to see anything in the direction where Mark and Devon were sitting.
“You made these wrong,” Devon was complaining while chewing on a home-made chocolate chip cookie. They were all sitting down in the grass at the park, enjoying one of the nicest days of summer so far.
“Wha-- I did not!”
“Did you even follow a recipe?”
“I spent like three hours on these snacks!”
Devon shrugged. “Not enough chocolate, I fear.”
Gemma let herself smile, and offered, “I can make them next time. With just enough chocolate.”
“Thank you. Gemma!” Devon said, happily, and mm ed as she ate the last bite of her cookie.
Mark threw his hands in the air. “I can literally see you enjoying it right now,” he grumbled and ate his own.
As Devon started telling him her step-by-step process when baking, Gemma looked around the park. There were kids playing football, teenagers using the skating ramps with their bikes, families having picnics just like the three of them. It felt nice, peaceful.
Over to the other side, she noted the big fountain driving a center in the park. The water was splashing into the pool-bit as well as some stray drops spilling into the green grass. Flowers were blooming around it, probably loving to soak up the excess water.
She could almost feel the drops on her skin, despite sitting many meters away from it.
But the feeling became more and more palpable until she had to look up to see if it was raining.
“Are you okay?” Devon asked, genuine worry in her voice. Yet again Gemma noted the people around her often treated her like glass, which, while annoying, was actually probably warranted.
“Yeah, I'm just…” she stopped speaking, vision swimming, literally. She was suddenly engulfed in cold water, unable to breathe, with a voice stuck at the back of her head. Would you be more afraid if suffocating or drowning?
Out of nowhere she felt hands on her. On her shoulders, then her arms, and then she was being embraced. The world has gone too loud in her ears, but completely silent at the same time. She realised that it was Mark holding her, speaking calming words to her.
Some part of her felt comforted, but it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t
“...should call Helly.” Someone, Devon, spoke, breaking through the thick slug in her head.
Yes, yes, Helly, Gemma’s thoughts scream.
“But--”
“Mark.” Devon's voice was sharp, a voice of reason. “We don't know what's wrong. Helly will.’
She couldn't put her finger on where this was coming from herself, but there were some pieces to the puzzle coming to her in painful flashes. They shouldn’t be painful. Her mind provided her with images of walking into a room, then not understanding what was going on beyond someone trying to drown her. Don't fight it , a familiar, booming voice had told her. But she had, to no avail.
After seconds or minutes or hours, the pressure around her body disappeared for a moment, before being replaced with another.
“I'm here,” Gemma heard Helly's voice telling her. She wasn’t sure when Helly had arrived, but only that she was there now. It felt like being saved all over again. “You can breathe. It's okay. The water is not harming you.”
Helly knew immediately. It was like their reintegration had connected Gemma and Helly together as well, and it was impossible to twist either of them off the other.
“I know it's…” Helly started, pausing. She was speaking in a low voice, right next to Gemma's ear, only for the two of them to hear. “I know it's scary. I feel it too.”
Gemma knew that Helly wasn't particularly fond of bodies of water either. Helena, in the before-time, had tried to get back to swimming even after nearly being drowned by Irving. Helena had used it as a way to stay in control. But Helly just couldn't. Helly had talked about how she couldn't forget the feeling of water in her lungs being the first thing she experienced waking up, not understanding any of what was happening.
Feeling herself calm down, Gemma became aware of her surroundings. Mark was sitting back in the grass, hands keeping him upright on either side. It was obvious he was trying to not look hurt. Trying for Gemma's sake.
The park outing was cut short, and their plan to go to a restaurant for dinner, where Helly, Irving and Dylan were supposed to meet them, was cancelled.
Gemma stayed at Helly's apartment that night. Helly made them dinner.
---
July
“I washed the bedsheets for you,” Gemma said, pointing toward them on the bed. “Just wake me up if you need anything.”
Helly nodded. She grabbed onto her pillow and held it in her arms. “Thank you.”
“Goodnight. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Gemma joked and shut the door halfway on her way out.
“Night,” she could hear Helly saying softly on the other side.
In the kitchen, she met Mark. He was washing up the three plates from dinner earlier today. When he noticed Gemma’s present, he turned his head.
“Oh, hey. Is she fine?”
Gemma sat down on a chair, sighing. “Yeah, I think so.” She paused. “Today was especially hard for her.” Helly's therapist had asked some especially difficult questions about Helena's role in creating Helly, once that were needed, but that clearly neither of them was ready for.
Nodding a few times, Mark turned back to his task. “Seems like that’s every day.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He tilted his head from side to side, seemingly contemplating his words. “It’s just… you two are always together.” He turned the tap off, drying his hands on the tea towel next to the sink. “I love both of you, in a weird, intense way, but… I feel like I’m being pushed away.”
Now it was Gemma’s turn to nod, not meeting his gaze, but finding a sudden interest in the floorboards.
“What if we took a weekend? Away?” Mark suggested, painfully genuine. “We decided to keep trying this marriage, but we haven’t really given it a chance.” He stopped and corrected himself. “You, haven’t given it a chance.”
Gemma felt sudden anger flare up in her, despite knowing it wasn’t fair in any way. “I’m trying.”
Mark threw the towel back onto the counter. “You’re not. You and Helly spend every waking moment together.” His tone was desperate, judging. “And sometimes it’s like you’ve developed a secret language, always exchanging looks and speaking about things I don’t understand.”
“Because you don’t understand!” Gemma found herself yelling, before covering her mouth with a hand. “Sorry.”
Shaking his head, Mark threw a hand in her direction. “No, go ahead, what do I not understand?”
“I,” she started, not finding her words. “It’s just so much. Helly understands. We both went through something awful. We keep going through the awful things over and over.”
“Have you forgotten I also worked at Lumon?” he snapped.
“It’s not the same,” she said, like a confession, something she had kept inside for what felt like forever. “You chose to go in there. I didn’t have a choice. Helly didn’t. Her father decided for her, she never had a choice! You did!”
Gemma’s voice had gotten louder again, and she only noticed when she saw the hurt on Mark’s face. It was mean and awful of her, but she meant every word. And she would say it again, given the chance.
There was a long silence, and then Mark spoke. “It sucks that you think that.”
Before Gemma could respond, he had left the kitchen and gone to their bedroom.
Gemma did not follow him, and she did not expect him to wait for her. Instead, after sitting in the kitchen for a few minutes, she got up, turned on her heel, and went back into the guest room. As expected, Helly had not gone to sleep yet. She was standing when Gemma entered the room.
“I heard,” she said, eyes big. Gemma wanted to physically drown in them. “I was gonna come out.”
“I know,” Gemma started, “I know. Can I sleep in here?”
Without a word, Helly grabbed Gemma by the waist and led her to the bed.
They ended up lying with their faces close, not quite touching, but keeping each other safe. She knew they would wake up tangled together, finding each other in the night. The sheets were soft and clean underneath her. Gemma couldn’t imagine doing any of this without Helly, and she knew Helly felt the same.
“Hey,” Helly whispered, after Gemma had almost started falling asleep.
“Hmm…?”
“How would you feel about moving into my place?”
---
August
Now, they could actually spend every moment together, like Mark had accused her of the other week. It was the best decision they had made. Gemma would sit at her desk that they had somehow fit into a corner, and Helly would sit on the couch and half-watch some kind of documentary about various animals. Today, it was whales. The other half of her attention was devoted to the knitting she had picked up after being advised by her therapist to find a hobby.
“Look!” she exclaimed suddenly, holding up a long row of yarn, shifting in orange and white colors. It was supposed to become a sweater. “I’ve made something.”
“That would probably be hard to wear.”
“Well, it’s not done yet, idiot.”
“Really? Could have fooled me,” Gemma teased. She got up from the desk and left her book lying open, to go over to the couch and fall down next to Helly. She reached for the project, feeling the soft yarn between her fingers. “It’s very nice.”
“ Thank you,” Helly said and huffed, leaning back against the couch and putting the knitting next to her. “How’s your book?”
“Pretty good.” She was still trying to regain her love for Russian literature in the hopes of one day going back to teaching, but just like with anything she knew before Lumon, it was difficult. “How’s your show?”
“Eh.” Helly shrugged. “They’re talking too much.”
“It’s a documentary, Helly.”
“I just want to see cool animals.”
They both laughed. Gemma pushed Helly’s shoulder jokingly, but when Helly bounced back she was closer than before, and Gemma didn’t drop her hand. They kept giggling and smiling, and Gemma had a realisation.
They were both living in this apartment, sharing their lives together and laughing on the couch about mundane things. It was something Gemma couldn’t have imagined having ever again after everything went down with Lumon. She thought she’d feel like an empty shell forever, never finding joy again. Then there was Helly. Helly, who just understood , unlike anyone else. Helly made her feel safe, unlike anyone else.
Without thinking, she closed the short gap between them. Helly didn’t even hesitate, as if she had been about to do the same thing, and simply kissed her back.
There was only them, Gemma thought and grasped Helly’s face to pull her closer. In the whole world, there was only them.