Chapter Text
“I don’t feel at home in life”
-Anne Sexton
“How can a person be filled with life and then be empty? Where does it all go?”
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Lucia pulled the drawer open. She hastily grabbed her tuner and capo along with a few picks before simply shoving them into her guitar case. She slung it over her shoulder and walked out the door, slamming it shut.
Vee winced at the loud sound from the kitchen counter. “Simmy down, Romeo.”
“Will you ever stop calling me that?” Lucia asked as she grabbed the cup of coffee Vee made. Chugging it all down.
“Guess you won’t have to hear me call you that anymore once you choke to death.”
“Har har, Captain Funny,” Lucia rolled her eyes. “It’s a pretty day out there. The birds are singing and so shall I.”
As Lucia began to move towards the door, Vee’s calling out a “Wait!,” made her stop. Turning to face Vee, Lucia nodded at her as a silent question of “what?”.
Lucia noticed as Vee seemed to shrink under her gaze which made her frown. Her heart clenched in worry. Was she too high up in the clouds these last few days thinking of a certain Blight girl that she failed to notice that something was wrong with Vee? How could she? She lived with her for Titan’s sake! She should’ve noticed. This is exactly why Lucia can’t do love. It’s too distracting. A burden . She needs to get her shit straight so she can help her siblings. She needs to do better. She needs to be better.
“I uhm..” Vee bit her lips. Lucia swallowed harshly at the sight. Vee’s hesitance stabbed her right through her heart. This is all her fault, she whimpered. She must’ve made Vee feel like she can’t talk to her somehow. She messed up. Somehow she always did.
“Vee..” she started softly. Eyes burning when she saw how Vee flinched at her voice. “Que pasa hermana?” Seeing how Vee turned tight lipped, she pushed further. “However you think I’ll react. I promise I can try not to react badly okay?” Closing the distance between them, Lucia ran her fingers through Vee’s hair as a way of telling her that it’s okay to be vulnerable around her. “Please let me in.” She finished softly. “It’s okay.”
After a few silent moments, Vee exhaled shakily, seemingly ready to start talking. “There’s this trip coming up. For a project for school of course.” Lucia nodded. Encouraging Vee to keep talking. “It’s just…”
Realising where this is going, Lucia concluded. “You need some cash, don’t you?” Vee’s hesitant nod made her shoulders slumped in relief. It was just cash. Of course it was. Lucia was glad she wasn’t being ignorant when Vee could’ve been seriously hurt or something. She didn’t mess up badly when it came to Vee. Yet. Still- she made Vee think she can’t ask her for money. She’s still at fault for something and somehow that thought made her feel even more oddly relieved than it should’ve. It should’ve scared her. Feeling relief she’s being blamed for something. But it didn’t. Because she’s Lucia. And she’s always at fault for something.
Noticing Vee squirming at her silence, she settled. “Let me go grab some for you, carino.” That seems to be the right answer judging by how Vee lights up at her answer. Lucia chuckled. Happy that her sister still had that spark of life within her.
Leaning her guitar case against the kitchen counter, Lucia made her way into her bedroom before jumping onto her bed. She let out a soft, “sorry Ice Bear,” before opening the doll’s back open. A secret compartment she made herself long ago back when she was still in the orphanage. When you’re in the orphanage, you don’t exactly have many things that really belong to you. So you try to hold on to the ones that do. Money, kept hidden. Always.
Lucia quickly counted the cash she had before wincing. She didn’t have much. When did she ever really? But she usually had enough to go through the month. She took a quick perusal at her choice. She pushed aside a fifty dollar bill. No hesitation needed. Those were for Hunter to go through another month, she reasoned. It was the least she could do and the most Hunter was going to accept. Few bucks being tied together was definitely out of the question. Those were for rent and for the bills. Didn’t matter how hard money may come by for her that month, she always made sure she had the shelter part taken care of. She didn’t need much for food. 20 dollars a month at least. Sometimes none at all. She can just steal some if push comes to shove. She emptied out the ration she pushed aside for food. 40 dollars. Cool. Now where does she find the other 80?
She groaned. The education system seems to really love sucking people dry it seems. Wasn’t it enough that they demand money at the start of every semester? She already paid plenty just to make sure Vee gets to enrol into school. Now she has to pay more to make sure she gets to actually stay in them? It’s always about money, she thought glumly.
She glanced at her last option. The money she's worked so hard for months to save up to get a new washer. Sure maybe they can afford to live without one but neither of them actually has the time to wash it themselves. She huffed. They’ve gone five months wearing unwashed clothes every few days. They can survive a month or two. Ultimately, she decided. Grabbing a sum of 80 dollars from the packet she put aside for the washer.
Lucia huffed in annoyance as she kept back the rest of the money into her trusted doll. Great. Now she’s broke. Lucia shook her head as if to shake away the bad thoughts. ‘You’re going to get your pay at the end of this week,’ she tried to comfort herself. ‘It’s okay.’
Cash in hand, Lucia met up with Vee at the front door. Exchanging the cash for her guitar case. “Goodluck on whatever project you have, okay? But don’t push yourself too hard. And don’t forget,” Lucia cupped Vee’s cheek into her hand, “it’s okay if you need a break from school or if you think it’s too much. No matter what happens,” a warm kiss to her sister’s forehead, “I’m here for you, okay?”
Lucia’s eyes softened as Vee tearfully nodded. Lucia stepped out. “Luci..” she took a last glance. “It’s not your fault.” For what? Vee didn’t need to say it. She knows. For everything .
Not convinced.
Lucia slammed the door shut.
—————————
Three hours.
She reminded herself. That’s all the time she has until her shift starts.
One hour to sing.
Half an hour break.
One hour to scout for a gig.
Half an hour to get there.
Three hours. Three hours. Three hours. Three hours. Three hours. Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
She repeated as she set up her station.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
She repeated as she tune her guitar.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours.
Three hours. Start now.
She took her first strum. Catching a few glances from a few passers-by. She cleared her throat. Glancing at her watch. 10 sharp. Her shift starts at 2. She started her timewatch.
She plucked a few strings. Messing around a bit as she tested the volume. Once she decided it was alright. She sang.
“All my friends are leaving me behind
But you said everything will be alright
Now I'm fallin' down I broke myself
So I think you should be with someone else”
She was planning on singing a different song. A song she practised the night before. Again and again. Yet, this was what her heart wanted her to sing. She wasn’t surprised. Not really. The song she practised last night had a happier tune and she isn’t really tuned to be happy after this morning.
"Do make sure you don't give up"
Says the ones with a perfect life
"Just be strong and don't be sad"
It doesn’t feel fair. No matter how anyone tries to convince her, she’s all alone. All those self help books and all those ‘let me help you’ people… they’re people who had it good. They’re people who don’t and never will know how she feels. She’s all she has.
“'Cause now I'm feelin' like
Ooo ooo ooo
Tell me what I gotta do ooo ooo
I lost my way lost my mind
Feelin' so alone yeah I'm losing time say”
Yeah she has her siblings, but they need her. Not the other way around. Lucia helps. Not to be helped.
“Ooo ooo ooo
Tell me what I gotta do
Tell me what I gotta do
Mmm”
Does she want help? Of course she does. But she can’t. She won’t. She shouldn’t. She doesn’t deserve it.
“ Life don't work things out so perfectly
Broken hearts and broken families
Oh would it be nice to have it all
But here you're standing so small”
Of course she doesn’t. How could she? How could anyone convince her otherwise when her own blood and flesh had made that very clear to her. At the corner of the darkest nights, she swore she could still hear their hurtful shrieks. ‘Freak.’ They would say. ‘Monster! They once yelled in fear. And monsters always hurt. They hurt others and they hurt themselves. Claws too sharp to hold onto anyone. Claws too sharp to hug herself for comfort even. It always ends with bruises and scratches.
“Tell me what I gotta do
Tell me what I gotta do”
Lucia finished her song with a sombre strum. She opened her eyes, not realising they were closed in the first place. She grabbed the box she set up by her feet, a smile immediately tugging on her lips. She got a big catch. Most of them come in ones. Some in five. But there were a few tens here and there and just the sight of them made her heart swell. Maybe today won’t be too bad after all, she smiled to herself.
“Mommy, why does she sing on the road? I thought singers usually sing on big stages?”
Lucia grinned at the question. She has always loved talking about the topic of busking to new people. The idea that you don’t need a big fancy stage to sing on seems to open up people’s minds a bit more. A way to tell them that you can use anything as your platform if you want it to be. And that the streets can be the best place to find new bonds.
“Because she didn’t study hard enough that it didn’t cross her mind that singers- real singers - sing on the stage. Not on the street. Someone ought to call the cops on her for noise pollution. It's a peaceful street and she’s disrespecting it.”
Yeah- and the streets can be the worst place on Earth sometimes.
Lucia frowned at the woman’s answer. “Hey!” She shouted. The woman flinched. Did she seriously think she can say whatever she wants without consequences? Oh, just wait until she teaches that bitch a lesson.
As Lucia stomped towards her, the woman seemed to shrink further into herself, putting herself between Lucia and her son. “Listen here you asshole-”
“HELP! THERE’S A VIOLENT PERSON TRYING TO HURT MY SON!”
Lucia froze.
Murmurs began around her.
‘Look at how she dresses. How could she come out of her house looking like that?’
‘Who does she think she is?’
Her eyes burned. Her lips quivered. Lucia breathed in sharply, it almost hurt. She felt her heartstrings being pulled at.
‘Stay away from those kind of people.’
And pulled.
‘Her kind is dangerous.’
And pulled.
‘She should’ve stayed where she came from.’
And pulled.
“This is why you should stay in school, son.”
And pulled.
“If you don’t, you’d end up as pathetic as her.”
And it kept pulling. Lucia couldn’t breathe. How much longer? How much longer does this thread on?
“Clearly her parents didn’t do a good job at raising her.”
And finally. Snapped.
Lucia exhaled shakily. She deflated. As if all the air had left her body. Maybe it did. Maybe Lucia can finally stop breathing. Maybe then, Lucia can finally stop being. Her ears hurt. It rang a sharp sound, she felt deafened.
She took a sobbing gasp and a step back. And another. And another. Until- she ran. She yanked her guitar and slung it harshly around her shoulder and she ran. She ran and she ran. She ran until it hurt. Until her lungs hurt. Until her legs hurt. Until her eyes hurt from crying. And her nose hurt from sniffling. Because maybe if it hurts enough- maybe, just maybe- her heart won’t hurt anymore.
She spoke too soon. Today really isn’t a good day.
———————-
Lucia choked down another sob. Her throat felt raw. She felt raw, being so exposed. Crying in an alley.
“you’d end up as pathetic as her”
Lucia whimpered. She really is pathetic. She wiped her eyes. Her eyes must be so red by now. Not only from crying but also from the friction from the amount of times she had wiped her eyes with the rough fabric hung around her petite body. Lucia growled as another tear made its way down.
WHY WON’T IT STOP!
Lucia wiped at it again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.
Until- “OW!”
Lucia, eyes wide, completely dazed, shakily took her fingers before deftly pressed them softly at the corners of her eyes. She hissed at the stinging sensation. She pulled her fingers back. Blood.
Lucia knocked her head against the wall. Her head spun. It hurts good. She did it again. Her ears started to ring again. Deafening her from the world. She closed her eyes. Wincing at the sensation of her skin pulled tightly shut. Now she’s blind too. She took her arms and wrapped them around her neck. Squeezing them together. She gasped. She can’t breathe. She felt high. She felt good. She felt… calm. It was perfect.
“And I know that I am always fucking up your world
You are better off not messing with that kind of girl
What does that mean
When they say
Stay away from me?
What’s that mean?”
She wasn’t one with the world. Alone. Drifting. Breathless. Sightless. Deafness surrounding her. She’s in her own kind of high. Bad things always happen to her. It must’ve been because of the body she was born in. She wasn’t meant to be here. She never was. So, she drifted. Right out of her body. She had nobody as ironically as she had no body at the moment.
Lucia is free.
—————————
‘Fuck.’
That was Lucia’s first thought after she finally came to be once again. She took another glance at her watch just to make sure her eyes weren't playing tricks on her. Yet, the display on her timewatch didn’t change. 00.00.
Heart racing, she changed the display from timewatch mode back to the clock display. 2.08 pm. Fuck. Lucia is so fucked.
She was so out of it she completely lost track of time. Groggily she stood up on shaky legs. She slung her guitar case over her shoulders, wincing at how the case seemed to get heavier in her weakened state causing her knees to give out a little. Lucia huffed. Exhaustion seeped through every pore of her body. The day was just about to get busy but all Lucia wants at the moment is to not exist anymore. She wanted to lay on her bed and be dead to the world for the day. She wanted to make her bed her coffin.
Yet, what she got was being dead in the alley. Simple pleasures, she mused.
She trudged along the dirt, letting her mind astray. Not bothering to speed up her tracks. She was already late. Why even bother?
The 15 minute journey walk seems to whizz by really fast. Lucia wasn’t even aware of where she was walking until she found herself pushing the door to the convenient store open. Rush of cool breeze caused her to freeze up for a few moments. A chill running down her spine. Seems like muscle memory really is a thing. Yet why does being sad seem to come easier for her? Muscle memory should be a good thing, why not reset her to actually smile instead of always frowning. She heard frowning takes up more muscle and energy than to smile. No wonder she’s so thin, Lucia mused, smiling to herself at that train of thought.
Her stomach growled.
Yup, she conceded. Because of that too.
She walked towards the counter, not minding the scowling face of her coworker. “You’re late.” He snarled. Lucia scoffed, still ignoring him. Turning her back to him, she put on her apron, not at all flinching at the way he shoved her by shoulder on his way out. She rubbed her sore shoulders. She wasn’t going to pick a fight. Not when she knows it’s her fault he was upset. Lucia, at fault. Again. What’s so surprising there?
She sighed as she sat behind the counter. Leaning against the wall, she kept tapping her shoe soles in threes as she watched the customers going about.
A man checking out the milk aisle.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
And again. A kid going through a wide variety of chocolates.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
And all over again. A lady with what she guessed was her daughter by the woman’s section checking out which product would suit her best. First time, maybe.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Lucia let herself get lost among the mundane things the customers seem to be doing.
Knock. Knock.
Her chest suddenly felt heavy, breath caught in her throat. Lucia’s eyes wandered around in caution as she pulled herself out of it. Promptly standing up, meeting eye to eye with an impatient looking woman. Her frowning eyes made her look older than she should be.
Lucia knocked one more time under the counter as gently as she could. A third silent knock.
Chest feeling lighter. She let out a breath. “Yes?” Lucia questioned.
The lady grumbled something under her breath. Lucia didn’t even bother trying to listen. She shoved a packet of chips towards Lucia.
Lucia hummed in acknowledgment. She grabbed the chips and scanned it, exchanging it with a five dollar bill from the lady. Lucia opened the cashier, counting the lady’s change. She counted it. Once. And twice. And thrice. She made sure she felt every single dollar of change three times under her fingertips before handing it over.
The lady snatched it from her hands. Lucia but her lips as she felt a sharp sting on her finger. A paper cut if she had to guess. And yet, Lucia tensed her jaws, biting her tongue. Not wanting to cause a scene.
She resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the way the lady wiped the change with the jacket she had on.
“You’re holding the line,” came an annoyed reply from behind. Lucia smirked as she gazed on the little girl with a handful of candy. The lady scoffed but moved aside nonetheless.
“Hey there,” Lucia greeted her warmly, a soft smile tugging on her lips.
“Hye!” Came the enthusiastic reply along with a quick wave. Lucia giggled. She reminded her of Luz back when they were little. Always a ray of sunshine. Lucia counted the amount of candy she had. One. Two. Three. Lucia slowed down albeit. Four. Five. Six. Her hands trembled. Seven. Eight.
Eight.
Lucia took a shaky breath. “That would be a dollar and sixty cents,” came her weak reply.
Sixty. Sixty. Sixty.
Six. Six. Six.
Six. Six. Six.
That’s two times of adding three together. Two threes coming together. Threes coming together. A bunch of threes.
Two plus two plus two. You add two three times. You’ll get six.
Two times three is six.
Lucia silently took the girl’s money. At the girl’s awaiting hand, Lucia returned six pieces of candy.
It was for the best, she tried to convince herself. Don’t want the innocent little girl getting hurt. Lucia clutched the two pieces of candy through her pockets.
One. And two.
Lucia felt her body begin to buzz uncomfortably. The static beneath her skin made it hard to breathe. She scratched on her arm, trying to get it to stop.
One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three.
Lucia is gasping now. She can’t breathe. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t.
She moved.
She grabbed a basket full of items that needed to be arranged.
She moved.
She silently grabbed another piece of candy.
She moved.
She felt lighter. Almost. But not enough.
She swiftly began to arrange the items. Clearing out the ones that were too close to expiring.
She grabbed three packets of batteries.
She threw the expired items out. A man smoking by the trash. She tripped towards him. His pack of cigarettes promptly fell to the ground. Scattered all over.
Lucia began to help gather them together as a silent apology.
She grabbed three sticks of cigarettes.
Her world fell silent.
Her world comes in three.
Vee.
Three pieces of candy.
She breathed in.
Hunter.
Three packets of batteries.
She breathed in deeper.
Luz.
Three sticks of cigarettes.
She coughed. Choked. Out of breath.
Out of emotions. Out of fucks to give. Out of smiles.
Lucia was eerily silent the rest of her shift.
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