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As soon as they get out of the barn, Sam extends his hand and Dean hands him the Impala keys. Sam knows Dean doesn’t want to leave Cas’ side, and Dean is thankful for his brother.
Cas is standing by the barn door, leaning on the wall, but Dean doesn’t dare look back at him yet.
Mary is making her way towards Wally’s truck, which reminds Dean about the hunter’s unfortunate end, and it saddens him further. A tiny part of him feels guilty for not even having thought about him, and guiltier yet for being so relieved over Cas being alive he can’t even mourn the guy, but they’re hunters, so they’ll need to burn him, and move on.
Mary nods her head the general direction of Ramiel’s house, gets in the truck and drives away.
Sam slips into the driver’s seat, Dean puts an arm around Cas’ waist and guides him to the backseat, sitting with him. They follow Mary.
--
Five minutes later they arrive at the house and Mary is kneeling by Wally’s body. The Winchesters and Cas get out of the Impala, the angel stumbling slightly, Dean reaches out a hand to steady him, and Cas gives him a tiny smile in return. It both warms and troubles Dean’s insides.
Cas almost died. I could’ve never seen that smile again…
No, he can’t think about that, not yet, they have work to do, he needs to keep himself in check for the time being.
«Dean. » His brother’s hand on his shoulder startles him minutely. «Mom and I will take care of the clean-up, go back to the bunker. » Dean starts to protest, but Sam squeezes his shoulder to stop him and whispers «Take him home. » His brother’s eyes are careful, yet full of sentiment and determination, Dean knows what Sam means, so he can only nod his consent, he suddenly doesn’t trust himself to speak anymore.
He turns to his mom, to ask if she’s going back with them to bunker, but Sam beats him to it, and Dean is filled with the urge to hug his brother for the third time that day.
«Umh… yeah, yes, for the night. That other hunt can wait. »
«Okay then. » Sam walks to Cas and hugs him briefly. «I’m glad you’re okay man, really glad. » Cas nods and Sam helps Mary retrieve Wally’s body to the woods.
Now alone with the angel, Dean takes a deep breath. One, two, three… He has his back to Cas, the dam inside him bursting to the brim, the day’s events finally catching up to him.
There are soft steps behind him, a gentle hand being laid on his shoulder, just a barely there touch, as if Cas thinks Dean is made of the thinnest porcelain and might break if he touches too roughly. He just might.
«Dean, it’s -»
«Don’t… just n – not yet. » He turns around, pulls Cas into a hug so strong his hands will indent onto Cas’ back, tightening his fists in that filthy, filthy trenchcoat. Cas is still recovering, wobbling slightly where he stands, but his hands come up around the hunter and hugs him back just as hard.
They stay like that for what feels like hours, but is probably just a few minutes. Dean crying silent tears onto Cas’ shoulder, and Cas holding him. Dean needs comfort, and Cas always has a way to pick up on what Dean needs, even when Dean himself doesn’t know what that is.
When they pull away Dean takes Cas’ truck keys from his pocket and leads Cas by the wrist to the passenger’s door.
«Dean, you don’t need to - »
«Just get in Cas. Please. » Cas does.
Dean goes over to the driver’s door, gets in and puts the keys in the ignition. Leans his head on the steering wheel. Breathes in. Straightens up. He looks over at Cas, who’s silently regarding him and leaning against the passenger door. He looks worse for wear, bags under his eyes, skin ashen, bloody shirt and torn trenchcoat making him look ragged. Dean will need to take care of that. He takes him in, he looks human, more human that an Angel of the Lord ever has the right to look, more human than when he was human. Dean looks at the expanse of space between them, he deems it too much.
The force with which it hits him that Cas has put it all out there is so encompassing when it hits, that it might as well have been a freight train. Looking into the deep, tired, pools of blue that are Cas’ eyes, the words resonate inside his head.
«You’re my family… I love you. »
«I love you. »
Dean had imagined those words, those three words, harmless individually, but when put together oh-so powerful, more times than he can count. Dean had wanted to hear Cas say them, had wanted them to be directed to him, wished they would tear down the walls he had built for so many years, wished they would give him the release he needed to finally, finally, say them back. But not like this, not on the verge of dying, not two minutes to midnight. He wanted to hear them professed in soft hazy mornings with legs intertwined and sleep-rough voices, he wanted to hear them whispered between breathless kisses and the sound of skin sliding against skin, he wanted to hear them with shoulder kisses and coffee-filled mugs on the counter, he wanted to hear them every night before they fell asleep. But not like that.
He realizes maybe he’ll get that now, he doesn’t want to hide anymore. Maybe those magic words didn’t break down all his barriers, and Cas can’t fix everything that’s been drilled into him from the age of four, he has to make an effort too. He doesn’t want to hide anymore. He can’t say it back yet, he doesn’t have the words, ‘I need you’ won’t cut it now, neither will ‘You’re family’, those have all been settled now. No, he can’t say it back yet, but he can start showing him.
Dean reaches out and grabs Cas’ arm, tugs him closer. Cas scoots until their thighs almost touch. He looks at Dean one last time before laying his head on his shoulder and closing his eyes. Dean turns the keys and drives.
They don’t talk, they don’t need to.
Cas falls asleep.