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v.
Astrid has kissed him before.
Just little pecks on the cheek – twice on the lips – but Hiccup doesn’t count those. They were kids, and he’d nearly died the first time, and had returned everyone’s dragons the second, so while he’d like to believe that she’d kissed him then because she’d felt the same way about him at the time, it’s more likely she’d kissed him out of relief and appreciation.
It’s not that he’s complaining – Hel, if it wasn’t so obvious to everyone (including himself) that his relationship with Astrid was growing by the day, he’d have been happy with just those. It’s just –
Well.
Hiccup’s a lot of a romantic. He’d admit it to anyone if they asked, but they never have. Most people just assume he’s shy or awkward, but one doesn’t spend almost every waking hour of every day with their person of interest and not learn to not be awkward about it. If anything, Hiccup got over that years ago – long before he and the others had even set up on the Edge. Now, he and Astrid don’t really have much of a problem with a little flirting or gratuitous hand touching, but – he lets out a huff.
“What?”
It’s the middle of night. They’re lying on their backs outside the hangar, and Hiccup remembers vaguely that he had come out corroborate his hand-drawn map of the archipelago with the stars before Astrid had decided to join him. His mind had decided that his charts could wait.
He raises an eyebrow at her. “What what?”
Astrid turns her head slightly to look at him. Even in the dim light, Hiccup can see the way her eyes light up in curiosity. “You huffed,” she says. “It sounded frustrated.”
“Oh.” Hiccup shrugs. He is kind of frustrated, but at nothing in particular. Himself, maybe. She’s lying with her head so close to his that it’d be so easy to just kiss her now, under the starlight, while there’s no immediate danger, and they can relish the peace and their brief moments of privacy, but it just doesn’t quite feel like it’s time for that just yet, and he can’t figure out why.
“It’s nothing,” he says at last, touching her fingers briefly.
“You sure?”
“Yeah.” He offers her a small grin, and the smile she returns is so beautiful that it stops Hiccup’s heart in his chest.
He should do it. He should just kiss her now.
He doesn’t.
iv.
Astrid likes to go on morning flights with Stormfly, but one morning, she doesn’t come back.
At first, Hiccup convinces himself it’s fine. Perhaps she’d gone further than she’d intended and had decided to explore for a bit. Perhaps she’d just wanted a little privacy. It’s probably nothing to be too worried about because it’s Astrid. Of course she’s okay – but he’ll worry anyway, and that’s probably all it is.
She’s fine.
He’s worrying over nothing.
Probably.
But the morning rolls into the afternoon and she’s still not back. Storm clouds are starting to gather in the distance, and the anxiety gnaws at Hiccup until he’s staring into the horizon and wringing his hands, and Fishlegs takes over trying to make him feel better.
“Remember when she didn’t show to her own surprise party because she was putting a defence perimeter around Berk?”
Hiccup lets out a vague sounding, “Yeah.”
“Or the time she decided to practise her late night axe throwing and surprised Silent Sven in the woods?”
“Yeah, but –”
Fishlegs snorts to himself. “Yeah, I don’t think he recovered from that either. Or that time – ”
“Fishlegs.” Hiccup frowns at him, and while he knows that Fishlegs means well, it’s not helping his nerves at all. “Thank you for trying to make me feel better,” he says, hoping he sounds patient and appreciative rather than truly frustrated as he is, “but this is different. Something’s wrong, I can feel it.”
Thunder rumbles in the distance, and Hiccup’s hands form fists at his sides. His brows furrow into a frown, and he hears Fishlegs swallow audibly and he knows that he isn’t the only one that’s legitimately worried.
“You know,” says Fish, “If anyone’s equipped to survive out there, it’s Astrid.” There’s an odd wobble in his voice, and Hiccup knows that he’s not just saying it to make him feel better – he’s trying to affirm it to himself as well.
Hiccup calls it. “No, you’re right, Fishlegs. You’re right,” he says. “But we’re gonna find her anyway.” He watches the lightning flash on the horizon and he hopes he hasn’t made this decision too late.
He spots her on a piece of driftwood in the middle of the ocean just before a wave sends her under, and Hiccup’s chest explodes with panic. “Toothless, dive!”
Toothless doesn’t need to be told twice, and he tucks his wings into his sides and dives into the ocean.
The water is freezing, but Hiccup ignores the way it stings his skin in favour of getting to Astrid. She sinks further away from him with every stroke, and, for a moment, Hiccup thinks this might be it, and he might not get to her at all – but the thought is so scary that he forces himself to swim faster; to ignore the pressure building in his ears and the way his eyes hurt in the saltwater, and he reaches out to her and snatches her wrist in his hand.
He slings her arm around his shoulder and slips his own arm around her waist and he pulls, fighting against the current with all the strength he can manage. Toothless meets them halfway, and they rise out of the water and into the frigid air with Astrid curled tightly against his chest.
“Astrid!” he yells hoarsely. “Come on, Astrid! Astrid!”
She opens her eyes briefly. “What took you so long?” she rasps, and Hiccup all but crushes her against him.
“Oh, thank Thor,” he mumbles, and he considers, for a moment, kissing her out of sheer relief.
He doesn’t.
(Later – much later – he thinks that, while he should have, he’s glad didn’t. He doesn’t want their first real kiss to be out of gratefulness that she’s alive – he wants it to be because he loves her, and he wants it to be when they’re safe, and alone, so he can tell her so over and over again).
iii.
They don’t fight often.
There’s usually nothing to fight about – Astrid is a very good second, and Hiccup has never – would never – ask her to do anything she would disagree with. They’re good like that, and it makes running the Edge easy and hassle-free (as easy and hassle-free as leading a team with Ruff and Tuff in it, anyway).
But they’ve come back from a raid on Viggo’s ships today and things came a little too close for comfort. To be fair, it’s not a first – they’ve all had close shaves before, and everyone is shaken from today’s encounter, but this is different. No one has come out of a fight properly hurt before; it’s usually just minor scrapes or bruises, but as much as Astrid pretends that that’s all it is, the way she’s limping around is a stark reminder that it’s not. The day she and Stormfly had gone missing is still fresh in his mind, and fresher still is the day he almost lost her to the Scourge of Odin, and watching her limp away with Heather makes Hiccup’s heart clench painfully in his chest.
The girls make their way over to their hut to bandage Astrid's leg, and Hiccup follows because – well – he supposes he doesn’t really have a reason beyond wanting to make sure she’s okay for himself. He waits outside, trying not to wince when he hears Astrid hiss in pain as Heather fixes her up and it does nothing to lift his mood. He’s not angry, he convinces himself, he’s concerned, but he hears Heather say something like “Gods, Astrid, this looks really bad,” and his blood is suddenly boiling in his veins.
When they finish up (finally), and Heather passes him on her way out, she holds up a hand. “She’ll be fine,” she says. “Don’t let her do anything too strenuous for a while but don’t get too worked up about it.”
“Right,” mumbles Hiccup, and he lets himself in.
She’s sitting on her cot, with her injured leg resting on a stool. Her knee is bandaged heavily and even from here, Hiccup can see the blood seeping through the fabric.
He’s not angry, he reminds himself, he’s not, but –
“What were you thinking?” he snaps.
Astrid looks at him like she can’t believe this conversation is actually happening – like this is a conversation they need to have in the first place – like he wouldn’t have done the exact same thing for Toothless (and let’s be real, he would have) but that’s so not the point right now.
“You don’t really get to lecture me on this,” she says coldly. Her eyes are like daggers and there’s a rational part of him somewhere that’s warning him to back off, but Hiccup ignores it.
“You got hurt,” he hisses.
“It’s nothing.” She gets up like she’s going to demonstrate but her knees buckle under her, and the only reason she doesn’t immediately fall over is because she manages to catch herself on her bedpost.
“It’s obviously not.” Hiccup scowls and eases her back onto the bed. “You have to stop doing this, Astrid.”
She lets out a mirthless laugh and yanks her arm out of his grasp. “Stop what, protecting Stormfly?” She scoffs. “You want me to just let her take the arrow next time? You want to let Viggo knock us out of the sky, do you?”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
Astrid glares at him. “Get off my case then,” she snaps. “You would have done the same for Toothless – for any of our dragons – so don’t you lecture me on this. And I’m fine, by the way, thanks for asking.” She lifts her leg up onto the bed with a wince like that’s the end of it – and that should have been the end of it – but there’s blood seeping through her leggings and Hiccup almost loses it there and then.
“Oh, you’re fine,” he drawls, “like you were fine when you nearly died of cold when Stormfly went missing?”
“Don’t even start, Hiccup.”
“Or do you mean you were fine like that time you nearly died from the Scourge of Odin?”
“Oh, is that what this is about?” Astrid scowls at him, and she eases herself back onto her feet to meet him at eye level. “What in Hel is your problem, Hiccup? It’s not like I planned for those things to happen, and you don’t really get to yell at me for them, especially because you have repeatedly put yourself in danger to play this stupid game with Viggo. You want to get mad at me? Take a good look at what you do on a regular basis.”
Hiccup snarls at her. “I’m not mad at you! I’m mad that you put yourself in situations like this and that you're never honest with me so I can't help when they go bad!”
“I don’t ask for your help!” Astrid snaps.
“Don’t you get it?” He grasps her shoulders, but he forgets what he wants to do the moment he does. She’s here. She’s okay. She’s alive. And Hiccup’s anger leaves him in a rush, and he pulls her to him in the tightest embrace he can muster instead. He hears her breath hitch in surprise, and he holds her tighter still. “I’ve watched you almost die twice,” he mumbles into her hair. “You. You’re supposed to be invincible, and – Astrid, I don’t think I can watch you almost die again. Not if – not if I could have done something sooner.”
Astrid hesitates, but, after a moment, she pries herself from his grasp. “Hiccup…” she starts, brushing his bangs out of his face. “My leg’s fine, okay? I’m not going to get sick again from this – I’m not almost going to die again – you don’t have to worry about me –”
“I know I don’t,” he says. “But I’m not going to stop worrying about you until this thing with Viggo blows over. I mean – after all this time – you have to know by now how I…”
She nods. “I know,” she says quietly. “I know. I’m sorry I scared you.” And she winces a little to get onto her toes, but she presses her lips to his cheek and offers him a small smile. “I’m fine this time. For real. Okay?”
Hiccup heaves a sigh, touching the hand she has on his cheek. “Okay,” he mumbles. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
“I know.” She smiles at him, and Hiccup considers – for a whole second – leaning in to kiss her now.
He doesn’t.
ii.
He supposes he should have seen this coming when he and Fishlegs designed the Diving Bell in the first place. He’d read about bathyspheres once – once – and even that said this was a horrible, horrible idea – but what else could they have done? It’s still his fault that Berk doesn’t have any gold, and it’s his fault that Viggo has started to target Berk, if only because he hasn’t already thought of a way to stop him.
The Diving Bell is taking on water quickly – too quickly – and Hiccup can hear the metal groan as Toothless blasts at it. The dragon is desperate, but even he knows that it’s too late.
“Go,” he begs. “Toothless, go, save yourself!”
But Toothless growls sadly and presses his nose against the amber window.
Hiccup lets out a sad chuckle. “I know, bud,” he says, taking one last look around the Diving Bell and knowing in his heart that this would be it. “I wouldn’t leave you either.” He tilts his head up and takes a last, huge gulp of air – just enough to say good bye to Toothless – and accepts his defeat. He will never defeat Viggo. He will never see his friends again. He will never see Astrid again – and he thinks of all the times he should have kissed her and didn’t and curses himself for it.
He offers Toothless one last smile but –
“Toothless!”
The submaripper zips out of nowhere, and the last thing Hiccup remembers is the sound of the Diving Bell within its jaws, before –
“Oh, no, Hiccup!”
Astrid?
“Please breathe. Please breathe.”
And then something growling and something slimy against his cheek – he thinks it might be Toothless – and warmth curled tightly around his hand.
The water forces itself from his lungs, and he turns and gags, gulping down as much air as he can. He laughs hoarsely as Toothless yips in relief. “I’m – I’m okay, bud – I’m okay,” he manages, and he looks up to see Astrid – Gods, Astrid – she looks like she could throw herself on him. She doesn’t, and he’s grateful for that because she’s hugged him before and breathing is hard enough as it is without her squeezing the air out of him.
Odin’s beard, she’s beautiful, and he touches the hand she places on his shoulder and he smiles.
He should kiss her. For a whole minute there, he thought he might never get to. He should kiss her.
He doesn’t.
i.
It has always been in Astrid’s nature to be strong, and invincible, but suddenly she’s not, and it sucks.
Hiccup can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like for all of that to be taken away; to be helpless with so little warning, and he understands that she’s frustrated – he does – but she’s also stubborn as all Hel, and its equally frustrating that she won’t just hide.
“Stormfly!” she calls, like she wants to jump on her and join the fight again, but even Stormfly has had enough and growls indignantly at her from behind Hiccup.
“It’s okay,” he tells her, “She’s with me. We need her help – and I can’t fight this thing if all I’m doing is worrying about you!”
She groans. “Fine!” she snaps, and Hiccup thinks he hears her mutter something sassy under her breath, but he doesn’t quite hear it because he’s barking instructions at Stormfly.
It’s a heck of a team effort, but they manage, and the triple stryke runs into the forest to avoid being blasted at again. Hiccup sighs, and he slips off Toothless and makes his way to Astrid.
“Come on. Let’s mount up and get back to the Edge before that thing comes back,” he says.
Astrid gets up and says nothing. She pushes past him and heads for Toothless.
“Uh – ” he starts. “Astrid, no, that’s Toothless. Don’t you wanna ride Stormfly?”
“I think she’s made it clear she doesn’t want me riding her,” she mumbles.
For a second, Hiccup’s confused. She can’t possibly think that Stormfly would want a different rider just because she’s gone blind. “Astrid – she was protecting you. She didn’t want you in that fight. It’s – It’s pretty cool, if you think about it.”
Astrid scoffs. “I’m having a hard time finding anything ‘cool’ in all of this,” she says bitterly, blindly making her way towards Stormfly instead.
Hiccup frowns at her. “Look,” he says, reaching for her arm before she can get any further away. “Obviously, I can’t even begin to imagine what this must be like for you – you’re Astrid. You’re strong, and invincible.”
“Not anymore,” she says. She heaves a sigh. “What if this is it, Hiccup? What if the rest of my life is like this? What then?”
It takes him a second, but Hiccup understands. She’s not just frustrated – she’s scared. She’s terrified that this is it for her – that she’ll be treated like an invalid for the rest of her life, and, Gods, if there were two words that don’t fit together even a little, they'd be ‘Astrid’ and ‘helpless’. He takes her hands in his. “You and I have been through everything together," he says. "You don’t think we can handle this? And – Astrid, you have me – whatever that means; whatever you want it to mean – I am with you. There will always be a Hiccup and Astrid. Always.”
He thinks this might be it. He leans in, just a little –
"What was that?"
Aaaand he doesn't.
(Ultimately, she interrupted him. He had every intention of kissing her this time. He supposes it was a good thing she had, or the triple stryke might have gotten them both).
-
She gets her eyesight back, obviously (thankfully), and while everyone else is in the arena training the triple stryke, he sits himself down with his feet dangling over the edge of the hangar. It’s a silent invitation for her to come and join him, and at this point, he knows she wants to talk about it as much as he wants to finally do it.
“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” he opens lamely.
She chuckles. “I’m fine, Hiccup, you can stop worrying about me now.”
“Well,” he says with a shrug. “I never stop worrying about you. That’s just the way it is.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she says. She sounds resigned to it, but she gives him a look and adds, “I guess that goes for me too.”
Hiccup snorts, and with more courage than he expected to ever have, he scoots closer to her. She elbows him playfully and he almost backs off, thinking she doesn’t want him so close – but she chuckles, and the tension in his shoulders disappears.
Astrid takes a breath. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” The question is coming, he can feel it. Admittedly, it surprises him that she hasn’t asked him earlier – but then he’d only really committed that one time.
“Um – back in the forest, when we were… well. You know. Were you about to…?”
Hiccup lets out a nervous laugh. “Oh. You felt that, huh? I thought maybe I got away with it…”
“Well.” She takes another breath. “Why didn’t you?”
“Oh? Oh!” He chuckles sheepishly. “Well, I – it wasn’t perfect. And I always thought that if it ever happened – and yes, I’ve thought about it a lot – uh – it had to be just perfect.”
Astrid chuckles too. The sun lights up her face so beautifully and Hiccup almost doesn’t again because he doesn’t want to stop looking at her, but she smiles at him and says, “Well, this seems pretty perfect to me.”
“Yeah?” Hiccup almost laughs. He imagines that, after all this time – after all the almosts – she’s as frustrated about this as he is. It’s the politest way to say ‘just bloody kiss me already’ without saying ‘just bloody kiss me already’ and he looks out at the sunset once more and lets a grin tug at his lips. “Yeah. I guess it does.”
And he does.
-
I will take your side
You make me feel like I've been waiting my whole life
And I could die
To find that simple kind of love
You can't deny
-