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Dan’s success rate at performing miracles is abysmal. He argues with his therapist that this proves nothing. How do we know what Jesus’s ratio of hits to misses actually was? Do you really think that the Bible is going to list his failures? Especially since it was supposedly written by his father.
Most of the time it’s an utter disaster. People stand up out of wheelchairs and promptly fall flat on their asses. Corpses fail to sit up in their coffins and ask “How’s it goin’?” (Dan likes to blame that one on modern mortuary practices. It’s kind of hard to get a heart to start beating again if the blood vessels are filled with embalming fluid.) A pizza meant to serve 6-8 people isn’t able to suddenly serve an entire college frat party. And it turns out that Dan can neither walk on water nor swim.
Once in a blue moon though, he manages to pull it off. There was the kid who had the really bad headache that went away instantly. (He’s still not sure if googling ‘miracle hangover cure’ really counts as performing a miracle, but he’s going to take any good press he can get.) Then the time he found a missing dog in a really dense patch of woods. No one said you couldn't use ‘miracle-working aides’ and he had really been looking forward to eating the other half of that meatball sub for dinner.
Dan’s favorite miracle however, will probably always be his ability to make a living as a singer-songwriter. It’s also how he convinced his mother that he really was the Messiah. He pointed out that when he first mentioned wanting to be a musician when he grew up, her exact words were, “It’ll take a miracle if you can feed yourself.” Well, he was feeding himself all right. Now, if he could just feed the multitudes, this would be the greatest gig he's ever had.