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Tessa knew how she had died, but she pushed the exact details of it to the back of her mind. They weren’t important. She hadn’t chosen to die. That was important.
As long as her life had been, she hadn’t chosen to end it herself. Not out of fear, no matter what Magnus had told her of immortals and death so long ago. She was afraid, of course. But that was not the reason she’d never considered suicide; no matter all the centuries she’d lived. No matter how lonely and detached from life she’d felt.
Will and Jem. They were her reason. They had both fought so hard to live; all their lives. They had treasured all the time they had. They had never given up, no matter how much they’d struggled; how much they’d lost. So Tessa hadn’t either. To do less would insult them; would insult her memory of them. That was something Tessa could never do.
She loved them both still, when she took her last breath. She loved them both still, when she opened her eyes again to a new life.
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Images of white hot fire burned behind her closed eyelids. Clouds with jagged edges. Wings that unfurled to such great lengths she could barely keep the entirety of them in sight all at once.
She had seen this before, once. But never forgotten it. The voice that echoed in her mind she had not remembered quite as well. But she did now.
Of course her soul screams to go there. Where else would she go? There is no reason for her to linger here. Let her go. She is more than deserving. I testify to that, as You know I do.
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Tessa opened her eyes and to her surprise found herself staring up at a pale blue sky. The sun shown brightly, marking it as early morning. If such passages of time existed in this place. White clouds rolled along with fluffy edges, no points. She was lying on hard ground, but it was not uncomfortable thanks to cushioning green grass. She clenched fistfuls of that grass in her hands then, uprooting it, and took a deep breath; though she wasn’t sure she needed to breathe any longer.
She remembered dying. There was no question in her mind about that. She had not been miraculously revived. How she knew that, she wasn’t quite sure. But she was sure of the truth of it. She was not waking up to her old life; her old world, but something else. Something new. Nerves and anticipation thrummed through her and she knew her ability to feel emotions had not changed with her death.
Tessa sat up, without pain. Her injuries were also long gone; a part of her old life. But she found that otherwise she did not feel that different. She was still herself. Her body still had the same weight as she moved it. It still had the same form as she looked down at herself.
She was wearing a simple white dress and soft silver shoes. On her wrist was a pearl bracelet and reaching up she felt the necklace with the jade jewel hanging there, as it had for so long during her life. She felt reassured to still be wearing them both. She thought of her clockwork angel briefly then, but she had given it up a long time ago and did not miss it. Her face and hair still felt the same as she ran her hands along them in wonder.
She still remembered her life as she’d lived it. She found she had few regrets and didn’t linger on them. She had lived a long time. She was ready to move on. With that realization a strong urge to rise and go forward filled her. She stood up and looked around to quickly take in her surroundings more.
Tessa stood on a green grassy hill overlooking a valley, with mountains in the distance. She didn’t recognize it. It could have been any of a thousand such places she had been before. But it wasn’t, she knew.
This was a place new to her. And she belonged here. That feeling overwhelmed her at the same moment she caught sight of the single house visible in the valley below. A small stream ran by it that widened into a larger river a bit further down, as Tessa could see from her vantage point on the hill. A large meadow spread out next to the house. Trees swayed slightly in the breeze, but she saw no animals. She also saw no road leading to or from the house. But she didn’t stop to consider it further.
She was meant to go to that house, she knew that. She knew it somehow instinctively as she had known she was no longer alive in the same way. But still she was not afraid. Fear seemed unable to touch her at that moment. But anticipation, excitement, and longing filled her. Also hope. Hope sprung reborn in her chest as he felt her heart beating much the same as it had before.
Tessa found herself running down the grassy hillside before she let herself consider what exactly she was hoping she was hurrying toward. And then she heard the violin.
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Breakfast was just finished and Will cleared the table. They ate because they wanted to eat. They cleaned up afterward because they wanted to. They lived this life in something of a mimicry of their old lives. Because they wanted to. Others lived differently, but this was their choice.
Sometimes a demon even appeared for them to fight, because they missed it when that didn’t happen. But they knew there was no real danger to it; only sport. It was still fun. Their weapons lay near the door, because they wanted them to.
After Will finished the dishes, for it was his turn, he moved to the library. They had a huge library, of course. Ever-expanding, actually. New books filled it whenever Will wanted. He looked over some of the titles, but he didn’t choose one of those today. He wasn’t in the mood for something new. He’d look over an old favorite later, maybe.
For now, Will moved across the room empty handed and sighed. He was content, if not quite complete. This life was exactly how they wanted it, for the most part. They had shaped it from their own desires and could change it as it suited them. For the most part.
Jem was playing the violin, sitting on a cushioned couch on one side of the library. His eyes were closed as Will joined him, but he smiled and did not ask who it was. It would be no one else besides Will.
Will sat down next to his parabatai, close enough their thighs touched, and closed his eyes as well. He listened to Jem’s music; a composition of Jem’s own. It was beautiful, as all music his Jem wrote was. Will was content to sit back and just listen. He felt no need to do anything else in that moment. He was at peace, there with the other half of his soul sitting next to him. At peace, for the most part.
Later the two of them would take a walk along the river, perhaps. Maybe they would visit Cecily and Gabriel. Maybe the four of them would go together to visit Will’s parents, too. Or perhaps he and Jem should visit Jem’s parents. It had been awhile since they’d gone to them.
But there was no hurry. They would all be where they always were now. Not exactly where Will and Jem were. But close enough they could visit as easily as they had stepped through a portal in their old lives. Still, maybe they would leave visiting to another day, Will considered.
Days passed there to mirror days in their old lives, because they wanted them to. So they slept, rose and ate meals, went through their day before sleeping again. The sun rose and fell in the sky above their house. All because they wanted it that way.
They liked this mostly peaceful life, for now. They were content, for the most part. Will had his books and Jem had his music. Will read to Jem; Jem played his music for Will. They had occasional visitors and excitement. It might seem simple, but it was what they wanted. They’d had full lives before. They enjoyed this simplicity, for now.
They cooked together. They visited old friends together. They worked together. They played together. They slept together. In all things, these were what they chose to do. They proceeded as they wished, as was their power in this place. All things they did together, as they wanted; as they were meant to; parabatai in this life as they had been in the last.
And not as they had been. More. More, as they hadn’t even realized they had wanted before. But now treasured. They were two sides of the same heart, finally reunited. They hid nothing from each other. They did everything together.
They waited together.
They waited every day. Of course they did. Of course they could not be complete, not fully, without her. They would wait for her forever.
Their heart was rejoined now. But it still had holes in it that could only be filled by one person. They had waited what felt like ages. But they would wait ages more for her, if that was what it took.
It was easier now than it had been when Will was alone. When he was here waiting for both of them. He visited his friends that were not far away, but it wasn’t the same. No one was a part of his soul like those two were. Together, Will and Jem felt they could do anything. Together, they would wait for her forever.
Will did worry about her more now, though. When she had Jem there, at least she wasn’t alone. He would rather be alone than let her be. But it was the way it was.
Maybe fate knew Will and Jem needed time alone before she joined them. Time to explore things they’d never explored together before. They had both had that time and explored those things with her before, though separately. Now, when she came, the three of them would all fit together in a way that they hadn’t been able to in the last life. At least that was what Will and Jem hoped.
They had no window to her life, now that they were here. They were not permitted that much. This life was not perfect. So they did worry. They did wonder if she would feel the same way they did, when she arrived. But they had faith.
They knew she still lived, they were sure of that much. And they knew she would come. Someday. So they waited that day, as they had every day since each of them had died.
Despite this, they were still surprised when it happened that day. They both felt it at the same instant. They both looked up and locked eyes with the other at the same moment. They knew. Their wait was about to end.
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Jem set down his violin quickly in his excitement, but still carefully. A lifetime of being careful with the instrument could not be easily abandoned in this new life. Nor would he want to.
They had talked about this so many times, he and Will. What they would say. How they would act. What they ought to tell her right away and what should wait. What they wanted to ask her. How they worried she might react. The fear that she could not accept them like this. The hope she would eventually understand and feel the same as they did. The faith in her that they both had unfalteringly. But the fear that so many years apart would change her feelings. A jumble of emotions they both had in regards to her, surely.
All that emotion came crashing down on Jem in that instant, shattering his semblance of inner peace. Not that he’d choose calm over her, ever. He hadn’t when he was a Silent Brother and he wouldn’t that day either. He looked at Will and knew that his parabatai felt the same. Jem reached for Will and for a moment the two embraced. Just for a moment, to give each other strength from the physical contact.
“James.”
Jem felt Will’s exhale of breath as he said Jem’s full name in a throaty whisper against his neck. It sent a thrill down Jem’s spine as it always did. But they didn’t linger in each other’s arms. Not that day.
They were running out the door together a moment later. Jem’s hand was clasped firmly to Will’s; Will nearly dragging Jem after him. He knew he should let go. He knew the two of them holding hands should not be how she first saw them again. But Will’s grip didn’t loosen as they hurried outside. Jem would never force Will to let go of him. Truthfully, he never wanted to let go of Will either.
So that was how they looked when they saw her. That was how they stood; together with their hands held; fingers intertwined, as both their pairs of eyes locked with hers again after so long.
She was running down the hill toward their house, the skirt of her white dress flying around her legs, as her brown hair flew around her face. But a moment after they emerged she looked up and saw them. She gasped, though she was still too far from them to hear it, they saw her mouth fall open and her eyes widen.
Jem’s heart stopped, so full of both fear and love he felt overwhelmed. What had she expected to find here, that the sight of the two of them had surprised her so much? Was she disappointed it was them? Would she, could she, be happy to see them both together like this? Would she join them, or would she choose to go elsewhere?
Will’s hand tightened in his parabatai’s and Jem remembered to breathe again. Whatever was about to happen, the three of them would deal with it together.
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They looked the same as she always remembered them looking; young and healthy; her Will and her Jem. The intense blue eyes and warm brown eyes of the two most important people to her looked up to meet her own eyes. But they had never looked this way together before.
They were both black haired now. Though Jem’s still had a streak of silver. It had all been silver the last time he stood before her with Will looking like that. Then he had become a Silent Brother and so many things about him changed. When he came back to her looking like that, after finally being cured, Will was already gone.
Will had been old when he died. But Tessa had always thought of him the way he looked now. He was slightly taller than Jem; slightly broader as well. They were both muscled and lean. Beautiful, as they both had always been.
Their scars were faintly visible, even from this distance. The Shadowhunter marks that never completely faded in their lives. This new life had not wiped them away. But they would not have wanted it to. The scars were a part of their past life, perhaps. But it was a part that neither would have wanted to ever forget or abandon. She knew them well enough to know that. The scars only added to their beauty, in Tessa’s opinion. They were part of what made them her Will and her Jem, as well as what made them parabatai.
They both wore jeans that had been in fashion when Jem died, she realized. They were out of style now, or had been when she’d left that life for this one. But they still looked good on them, hugging their legs tightly. Jem wore a navy blue t-shirt, and Will a forest green one. Both shirts were a simple type that never seemed to quite go out of style since they became the norm.
She wasn’t sure why the sight of them shocked her so much. They were what she had been hoping to find in that house. They were why she had been running down the hill, though actually seeing them had frozen her in her tracks.
Would they still want her the way they had before? Did emotions and desire work the same way in this new life? They had been here so long without her, had they changed too much to want her to join them?
But they were Will and Jem, together. Whatever else this new life might bring, Tessa was so incredibly happy to see the two of them together again. They belonged together. Parabatai.
She had known other parabatai over the long years of her life. But that bond between Will and Jem was special even among other bonded warrior pairs. Will and Jem had been everything to each other before she had met them. Now they looked to be everything to each other again, as they should be. Even if there was not a place with them for her any longer, she was still happy to see them together. They should be together.
They were both smiling at her, even as they held hands together, and that was enough to give Tessa the courage she needed to resume moving toward them. They were happy to see her too, clearly. They moved toward her, as one, never letting go of each other.
There was still some distance between them, but the three of them all moving breached it quickly. Before Tessa could stop to think what to do when they reached each other, they were upon her and hugging her between them. They said nothing, just held each other.
They smelled the same, the two of them, as Tessa had remembered. They felt the same around her, even though they had never both held her at once before like this. They were crying together, in unison, the three of them; Tessa realized. The idea sent her laughing and soon the two boys laughed with her. She wasn’t sure any of them knew why they were laughing, exactly. But it didn’t matter. They were together, the three of them. Nothing else mattered.
Will and Jem’s hands were still linked and she soon found her hands tightly gripping theirs as well. They each took a few small steps back, to look at each other, but their hands remained together. Tessa’s right hand in Jem’s, her left hand in Will’s, with Will and Jem’s hands never letting go of each other.
They formed a circle now; the three of them together with their linked hands. A complete circle that seemed to mirror the life that Tessa had just left, as well as give her hope for this new one.
They stood like that for a long time. Just looking at each other. Just holding each other. Tessa drank in the sight of them; the feel of their hands in hers; the way they were looking at her and the way they were looking at each other.
She felt complete in a way she never had in her old life.
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Eventually they had moved inside. Tessa had lots of questions, of course. And these were two people that would never begrudge her her questions. Will and Jem answered her as well as they could. But they didn’t have all the answers. This new life was not without its own mysteries, she discovered. Even though Will had been there the longest, even he didn’t understand it all. But maybe they weren’t meant to. She was alright with that.
They’d told her the most important things. Her parents were not far; her children and grandchildren were not far. They could visit them whenever they wanted. Even Nate was reachable, though that was a bit more difficult.
They would take her there when she wanted; when she was ready. But for now she just wanted to stay with Will and Jem. Though she loved her friends and family, she loved no others as she loved them. She just wanted to marvel at being with them again, for now.
Not everyone she had known in her old life was nearby, either. Some still lived. Some had never quite made it to this life. Jessamine still haunted the London Institute, as far as they knew. Whether by choice or because of some other power, not everyone moved on to this life. Tessa would miss them. But she did not mourn for them much.
The three of them could have talked for days. She would have loved to just listen to their voices, whatever they talked about. Will talked more, of course. He always had. But Jem spoke often enough, too. And the way they all looked at each other spoke volumes, as well.
But as much as she liked listening to them and as much as she could tell them of her old life since she had last seen them, it could wait. She wanted to touch them more. She wanted to be connected to them physically again. She wanted to feel that pleasure, that love, that happiness that only the most intimate connection could bring.
She knew it was possible, even though they had not brought it up. It seemed the longer she was there, the more she instinctively knew about this new life. It was how it had been with them. They did tell her that much. No one had explained to them how this life worked; they’d figured it out on their own.
Will, mostly, she amended to herself. He had been here so long before Jem joined him. Then he shared with Jem what he’d discovered when he was finally reunited with his parabatai. Tessa ached for Will then. To think of him alone here for so long. But Jem had been alone during his long years as a Silent Brother. And Tessa had been alone for decades longer after Jem had died.
They had all been alone. They had all hurt during their separation. But now the three were together again.
Tessa was no longer the girl she once was. Oh, she was where it mattered. But her shyness regarding certain things had changed rather drastically from when she was young in Victorian England. It had been a very different time then. Tessa had lived through many ages and changed with them. So she spoke in a way she never could have before when Jem and Will were both with her.
“When you showed me around this house, earlier,” Tessa began with a smile to gentle the words, “I noticed that you have only one bed here.”
They both paled. Jem bit down hard on his lip and looked at the floor. Will opened and closed his mouth several times, but no words came out.
Tessa wished they would say something. She wished they would confirm her suspicion so she could be sure. She did worry she was wrong. She could be misinterpreting the signs. She did not think she was. But still fear tightened her stomach. She could wait, she considered. She could wait and watch them and be sure. If she waited, maybe they would say it so she didn’t have to.
But that was cowardly and cruel. She never wanted to be either, especially to them.
“Fortunately, I also noticed the bed is large enough to comfortably hold all three of us.”
Will laughed. Jem beamed. They knew her, as she knew them. No matter how much each of them might have changed; they were still the same people at their cores. The tension that had formed around them in those few moments dissipated instantly.
“That was indeed by design.” Will boasted. “It took several days of deliberation for us to agree on the exact size so that we would all fit, but without leaving too much extra room so we would be surely close together.”
Tessa laughed. She had laughed more in the last few hours with them than she had in years in her old life.
“Really?” Jem taunted playfully, “That is not how I remember it. I remember my parabatai spending days considering bed sheets and how different colors complimented both our skin tones. So that if a certain lady were to show up unannounced and find us abed with a significant amount of skin showing, we both might look our best.”
Jem blushed when he said it, but he was smiling. Will’s face also flushed, but he laughed loudly at the goad.
“Well then,” Will responded, “Surely the only thing for it would be a simple test to determine if I made the correct choice.”
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He had, Tessa confirmed. Though truthfully any color would have done, in her opinion. Will and Jem would look gorgeous lying in mud or on piles of garbage, as far as she was concerned. Though she would have worried about their health if that had in fact been the case.
The sheets were midnight blue, it turned out. Gazing up at Will and Jem now as they all lay naked in bed after a fulfilling time on those sheets, Tessa did admire how the two of them looked. The dark sheets did indeed set off their skin and Tessa found herself staring.
She had thought herself incapable of being more attracted to those two men than she had been before, in her last life. But seeing them together that way proved her wrong. Will and Jem were both beautiful on their own. But together they moved and molded against each other in such a way as to be mesmerizing.
She had known both their bodies before. She’d learned them through years spent with each. But she relearned them together. They were different together, but still the same where it mattered. They balanced each other perfectly in this, as in all things. When Will began to rush, Jem reminded him to take his time. When Jem hesitated, Will gave him confidence.
Tessa fit perfectly between them. They fit perfectly in her together. They completed her together in a way that neither ever quite could alone. Her pleasure was not doubled. It was multiplied in what felt like infinite ways. From the sounds they made and their expressions, the way both their hearts beat in time with hers; they seemed to agree.
She loved them both. They both loved her. And they both loved each other. There was no reason left that the three of them should not be together in every way.
They had both kissed her earlier. But they hadn’t kissed each other, perhaps thinking doing so in front of her too quickly would be too bold. Now while she feigned sleep, the two of them had their lips locked together and Tessa found herself licking her own lips in appreciation of the sight.
They had both been so attentive to her earlier that they barely touched each other. But that would change, she resolved. She was not about to let them neglect each other just because she had joined them.
They thought she wasn’t ready to see that, perhaps. But she wanted to see that! She wanted to see their love, their passion, for each other. She didn’t want their passion redirected at her. She wanted to become a part of it. The three of them equal together, as it always should have been.
So she should tell them, she reminded herself as she watched them kiss. She’d never been one to hold back her words.
“I had begun to think that I had seen all the beauty the world had to offer me.” She began. “Maybe I did. This is not the same world, after all. But seeing the two of you together like that…I think I have never seen something so beautiful!”
They gasped, not having realized she was awake and watching them, and their lips parted. Jem blushed and looked down, but smiled. Will grinned widely and proudly.
“Of course. I had reached the pinnacle of what a single man could hope to achieve in looks already. The only way to increase it was by my parabatai joining me. No woman could hope to resist the two of our combined forces of attractiveness!”
“Of course there was only ever one woman we wanted to use our ‘powers’ on.” Jem admitted, still smiling. “We did wonder if it would…bother you. We never talked of this when we were…before. Times changed a lot while I was alive there, but this…this was still not common.”
“And why would I ever want what’s common?” Tessa asked. “You two have never been common. I have never been common, even when I thought I was. Our love has never felt common.
“But to answer what you’re implying. This was not so very unusual in the world I so recently left behind. Not ordinary. But no longer shocking.
“I never…I never wanted anyone but the two of you, you know. I don’t want you to misunderstand. Just because it was no longer shocking, does not mean I have ever done it before.
“If it were anyone other than the two of you, I certainly would not have rushed into this bed. I never…when you two were gone, I never wanted anyone else.”
“You will stay with us then? You want us both, together?”
Jem said the words, but his uncertainty was mirrored in Will’s eyes. Tessa might have feigned confidence, but her nerves still flared at the thought that this might be temporary; a fleeting feeling for them. No matter how many centuries one lived, some insecurities never completely left you. Not when your entire heart was at stake.
“Of course I will stay! I’ve never wanted to be anywhere else but with the two of you! That I could have you both at the same time; that you could have each other at the same time, as well as me….that was a dream I never quite dared to dream. But that doesn’t make it any less perfect.”
“We can change anything here you want, you know. Just by wanting it enough.” Will added. “More books. A larger house. The river could be the ocean instead. We could even change the color of the bed sheets.”
That last was said with a smirk and sent all three of them laughing for some time. When they finally calmed down and caught their breath, they stopped and just looked at each other again. Tessa was reminded of their nakedness. Besides her necklace and bracelet, she wore nothing at all. But she didn’t grab the covers to hide herself. She never wanted to hide from Will and Jem.
When they next spoke, it was at the same time, all three of them. Three voices sounding all at the same exact second, their tones mingling together into a sort of chorus.
“I love you.”
They didn’t need to repeat it. They didn’t need to clarify. They all knew each meant it for both of the others. Three hearts beat together, finally whole again.