Work Text:
„Vision... What have I done?"
Tony stood infront of a window, looking down to the city which never sleeps. He lived in a skyscraper, actually a normal apartment which has nothing to do with himself or the Avengers. Vision lived in there as well because he didn't wanted to leave Tony alone. Why was Tony not in his own tower or in the Avengers Facility though? Well, he just didn't wanted to. It's like a break to himself. He didn't wanted to be confronted with all the mess which has been going around lately, so he just decided to live somewhere else to try and sort out his mind somehow.
It was night with a pitch black sky and at the same time still bright and colorful due to all the lights in this always awoken place.
„You did what you thought was right. Just like everyone else did as well."
Tony pinched his eyes. „What do you think was right?"
A moment of silence filled the room until the sound of silent steps approached the man infront of the window.
„I certainly do still think that what you tried to acomplish was the right thing to go for. But if I had known what the aftermath would cause..." Vision looked over to his right, seeing that the man now turned his head away from him, breathing out slowly.
„This was not..." He turned his head again now looking up to Vision. „... what I had in mind." He smiled crookedly, trying to mantain it even if it hurt. He felt so sorry and unbelievable guilty.
„I guess no one thought it would end like this." Vision looked out of the window, observing how the cars drove their way. „I still don't really understand all the actions and decisions which have been made but I have been thinking about them for a long time. The last few months made me realize that this world isn't just lead by facts but countered by strong feelings which make an important component in decisions. I'm still learning about all the feelings... It does confuse me quiet alot."
Tony stared at his friend. He knew that all of this must weight hard on him, but he didn't thought of him don't really understanding what his own feelings meant to him. „How do you think you're feeling?"
„Sad? Well, the majority of the time just confused. But I miss our friends. And I feel... hurt, whenever I start thinking about Wanda. Not because she did something wrong. I'm actually not quiet sure why. But I guess I'ts because we understood eachother the most?"
Tony crossed his arms and closed his eyes shortly. „You know." He streched his neck a bit. „I can find out where they are if you want to be with them."
„But you wouldn't come with me."
„Damn right. But you ain't gonna learn anything about feelings if you keep staying with me."
Vision turned around to face him, opened his mouth to say something but kept quiet instead, rethinking what he just wanted to say.
„I wouldn't mind, if that's what you were going to ask."
And that's how Tony found himself with Vision in the Avengers Facility again. He once told himself not to step a foot in there so soon again because he couldn't bear to walk past all the memories which flooded all the rooms in here. But in order to help Vision out he needed to get that one in particular cellphone with just one single phonenumber in it. It was still laying next to the note on the desk in Steve's room. In Steve's room.
„Uhmm..."
Vision turned to look at him. „Do you remember were you left the phone?"
„Yeah it's- It's in- I bring it to you."
Vision nodded while Tony turned around and started to bite on his lip. He was glad that Vision decided to call Steve by himself instead of letting Tony do all the research work. He really didn't want to know where Steve was hiding... He might start doing things he would regret later if he knew where Steve was.
Vision could've searched for the phone by himself as well but Tony didn't want him to find that note which Steve left with it either. This would just bring out questions. Uncomfortable questions. Questions he couldn't even answer himself.
So the first thing he did when he stepped into Steve's room and infront of his desk was to actually crumple that one piece of paper and shoot it into the empty trash underneath the desk.
It remained empty.
Tony didn't strike.
Now it just layed there next to the trash.
He stared at it for a moment, thinking about what had been written on it and it stang. It stang really bad. Tony clenched his jaw for a moment and then hissed. „Damn you Rogers." He wanted to grasp for the phone but immidiately stopped within his movement when a drawing covered by glass catched his sight. He instead reached for this and pulled it closer. It was a drawing of a monkey on a unicycle with an umbrella and a shield balancing on a rope.
„Why?" Tony cackled and kept on grinning at it. „I always wondered." He looked to the right where Steve sat on his bed.
„Why?" He slighty laughed but turned silent again, slipping off into thoughts. Tony realized the change in his expression and immidiately regret asking. He didn't like talking about feelings but he couldn't just get away with this now. „Did the monkey fell from the rope?" He laughed trying to lift the mood.
„No. No there was no monkey."
„Oh... So-"
„The monkey was actually me."
Questionmarks came up in Tonys mind. „How come?"
„It's what they used to call me. The dancing monkey, because I've never been able to fit in."
„So this was the Pre-Serum Steve Rogers?"
Steve smiled crooked. „Well, yeah. Not only though. I've always been different and I kind of never belonged. I always did and gave as much as I could but it was never enough."
Tony felt his stomach turn. The resemblance is strong in this one. He could literally hear his fathers voice calling out on him, that whatever he did was never enough. He exactly knew how this felt.
„I've always been the dancing monkey. It never changed. Not before the serum, neither after it. You know, there wasn't really enough room for Captain America back then but there is now. All of the sudden everyone respects me. But..."
Tony slowly started to make his way to Steve.
„I... I still-" Steve got interrupted by the sudden slight pain on his forehead. He looked up into a serious expression. He didn't realize how Tony walked infront of him, which took him by surprise for a moment.
„You. Steven Rogers. Are a human being with friends and family. You belong here. To us. To the Avengers. Not just the Capsicle, your own self as well." Tony crossed his arms and let his head fall to the side slightly. „I know, I really hated you at the beginning. But being honest. I got to know who you really are, who Steve is and..." He now started to mumble. „That guy's kind of really cool."
Steve blushed a little which Tony didn't realize by looking away.
„Thank you Tony."
„The dancing Monkey, huh?" Tony snorted. He understood how Steve felt back then to well. He understood but thought for one moment that things would get better, that things for once got calmer, that he finally found a place to belong. The Avengers formed to be his family. But just like his first one, it crumbled appart. And again he was the reason why. How much does he want to still fuck up? He was on a failing streak all along.
He failed his own family because of just being there. He understood that his actions weren't good enough to make Howard proud. But his mother suffered just because of his existence. Tony's parents wouldn't have had all this quarrels if he wouldn't have been born into this family.
Then he failed to take over Howards company the right way. He just kept on selling weapons for a really long time, leading him having all this blood on his hands. He failed Pepper, the only woman he could've been able to consider his partner for a lifetime. If she wasn't able to keep up with him anymore then no one on this world would ever be. He failed Rhodey, his best friend. On this point of life he wished to have never met this guy. He wished that Rhodey would have never spoken to him back in his MIT days. If Rhodey wouldn't have dealt with him... He'd still be able to work and wouldn't have to experience the end of his military carreer like this.
Tony started to tighten his grip around the glass with the drawing inside. He did even started to shiver.
Why was all of this happening? Why did he fail so much? The Avengers ended to be the only thing he really felt save in and the last thing he had hope for. Everyone grew close to him, leading him to feel as if he'd finally found his place to belong into. His family. He was so scared to lose them and he tried so hard to keep them but still, Tony failed. There really was no place for him to be at, he was meant to be alone. It sure has been written into his veins. And maybe it was best like this?
Maybe that's how it should stay. He can't hurt anyone if he does not have anything to belong to anymore. He wasn't meant to belong to something.
A loud sound of shattering glass filled the room accompanied by a long lasting silence after it.
Tony stared to the ground onto the picture now covered by splinters. His whole body was tensed and his jaw started to hurt.
He asked himself,
did Steve still felt like this too?