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The old Survey Corps fortress felt like a mausoleum. Eren slunk through empty corridors, past empty-eyed people, and everywhere he turned was the spectre of someone who wouldn't be returning. He hadn't realized how many memories he had managed to accumulate in such a short time, and how much they would hurt.
Nobody cared what he did anymore. Levi's squad was decimated, Levi himself was wounded and secreted away somewhere, and Eren was left alone. He would have thought it would make him feel free, not having any minders, but instead he found himself constantly looking over his shoulder, wishing for somebody to tell him what to do, where to be. Or just to glare at him suspiciously, let him know that they were watching.
Nothing was keeping him from searching out his friends, either, technically, but he found himself reluctant. He knew he wasn't supposed to, and meeting them would lead to questions he didn't want to address.
He had had enough disobeying orders, for now.
Instead, he cleaned. Levi would be furious when he recovered, if he found the fortress dirty. In some small way, it made him feel closer to the corporal. At night, sometimes, he dreamed that Levi was dead and nobody would tell him, dreamed of entering Levi's hospital room to find a coffin emblazoned with a pair of wings.
Every morning for three days he paced outside of the commander's office, waiting to hear how Levi was doing, until finally on the fourth day the commander relented.
"Here." He scrawled something on a piece of paper and handed it to Eren. "He's in the south wing, third floor. The guards will let you in." The commander fixed him with a sharp look. "Maybe he'll talk to you."
Eren gulped. "Thank you, sir!" Clutching the paper tightly he rushed off, before the commander could change his mind. Guards? Levi wasn't talking? What was going on?
Was Levi being blamed for Eren's decision to transform? Eren's stomach turned, and he upped his pace.
The south wing, third floor seemed to be deserted but for one door, which had two scouts posted as guards – Levi's room.
"Get out of here, kid," one of the scouts told him, glaring, a hand twitching towards his blades. "The corporal's not taking visitors."
"I have a letter from Commander Erwin," Eren said quickly, holding it out. The other guard snatched it and scanned it suspiciously, then showed it to her partner. Immediately they both relaxed, and gave him worried smiles.
"Go ahead, then," the first one said. "We're just here to keep away people who don't know. Can't risk him."
"Know? About the wi-"
"Ssh!"
The woman unlocked the door, and ushered Eren in.
It was immediately obvious why Levi wasn't in the hospital wing with everybody else. He sat in the middle of the room on a huge bed, propped up with a veritable pile of pillows at his back, his wings spread out like dark shadows on either side.
Though the door was locked, the room had a large window leading out to a small balcony – large enough for Levi to escape through, should he need to. But right now flight seemed like the last thing on Levi's mind.
He sat slumped, his shoulders bowed, gaze in his lap, his wings drooping on either side of him and set at an awkward angle. The wings were a mess, feathers bent and out of place, clearly not being taken care of properly, a reflection of Levi's own disheveled self. Gloom hung in the room like a curtain, despite the sunlight flooding in from the window.
Eren advanced slowly, trying to keep his footsteps soft. "Corporal Levi?" he said. There was no response, not even a twitch. Next to his bed sat an abandoned chair, which Eren tugged over and sat down. He couldn't help but feel like he wasn't the right person to occupy it.
But there wasn't anybody else, he reminded himself harshly. Because they had all died.
"I'm sorry," he said into the silence. "If I hadn't-"
"Shut the fuck up," Levi said. The words were flat.
"I should have done it earlier," Eren insisted, unable to keep the words in any longer. "I could have-"
"I said shut up." Levi wouldn't even look at him. "You couldn't have known what would happen. You did what you thought was right. Go away, Eren. I don't have patience for your pity party right now."
Eren swallowed, helpless anger burning under his skin. "The only one having a pity party is you," he snarled. "Maybe if you had transformed and we fought together-"
Levi flinched, and Eren managed to swallow the rest of the sentence. Stupid, stupid-
"Sorry," he said in a tiny voice. "I didn't mean that."
"Yes, you did," Levi said. "You're saying it like I haven't thought of that. And I'm telling you to shut the fuck up, Eren, because you're a fucking shitty kid who doesn't understand what he's talking about. No better than that stupid sister of yours."
"Don't talk about Mikasa like that," Eren snarled.
"Why are you even here?" Levi sighed, his wings drooping further. "Go away, Eren. Just get the fuck out of my sight."
Levi hadn't looked at him once the whole time. "I'm-" Eren began hotly, and deflated. "I wanted to see how you were. I wanted to, to… comfort you…" he trailed off, red-faced.
"Great job," Levi said.
Eren couldn't help the angry tears that welled up, and swiped at them.
"Why didn't you?" he asked. "If you say that my decision was right, regardless of consequences, shouldn't yours be, too? If I shouldn't blame myself, neither should you."
Levi looked at him then, head jerking around. His face was a mess, burning eyes above sunken cheeks, stubble on his chin, his hair in disarray.
"If I had your power, I would have saved them," he snarled. Eren shrank back. "But what do I have? These stupid, useless things." He jerked his wings for emphasis. "I heard about what happened in Trost, how you transformed to save your friends. If it were me, you know what would have happened?"
His eyes bored into Eren's, who couldn't look away.
"I can't lift more than one person at once. I would have had to choose."
Eren thought of having to choose between Mikasa and Armin and knowing that there was nothing-
"These aren't wings of freedom," Levi said, throwing the words carelessly. "They're wings of cowardice. You know why my wings come out when I'm wounded?"
Eren shook his head, mouth dry.
"So I can escape. I'm sitting here now, with this fucking leg, and all I can think about is getting away. Do you know what my standing orders are? To flee a lost battle. Do you know how many battlefields I've been the only survivor of because I can run away? You think I'm so brave. It's so easy going into battle knowing that I can escape. When the walls are down and humanity is dead, I'll hover above everything, safe and sound. I hate these shitty wings. But every time I chop them off, they always come back." He pulled up his good leg, buried his face in his knee. "I'm not humanity's greatest soldier. I'm humanity's greatest coward."
He lifted his head, his eyes bloodshot. "So now you have the truth, Eren. You can go. Don't come back."
"You mean," Eren said, his head spinning, "out of all of us, you're the only one who doesn't have to fight, and you're doing it anyway? You could leave all this! You don't even have to be here! No wonder you hate everyone in Sina," he breathed. "Look at what they're doing with their lives, and look at you." Eren grabbed him by the shoulder and forced him to look up. "Coward? Coward? Even I know bullshit when I hear it! Corporal Levi, do you think there's anybody within these walls, that if they had safety promised them, wouldn't take it?"
Eren felt himself curling in shame at his own lack of discipline, his lack of skill. His orders had been simple – don't transform, and he hadn't been able to follow them – imagine having to follow an order to run away, time after time… Eren knew with a certainty that he could never do it. And here was Levi, sticking to his orders year after year, hating himself but continuing to fight nonetheless.
With the way Levi was staring at him, vulnerable and wide-eyed, Eren had the feeling that nobody had ever said this to him, or even understood what he was going through. He shifted uncomfortably, starting to feel nervous, and completely incapable of shouldering this burden.
Looked like it was too late. He was going to have to see it through.
Eren tightened his grip on the corporal's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Corporal," he said. "If you thought I was going to despise you, you'll have to try harder. I still think you're amazing."
"I-"
"I'm glad," Eren said. "Now I know that even if I die, even if we all die, you'll be here to remember us, and avenge us. Isn't that what you always promise?"
"You think that's what I want?" Levi whispered. "I'd rather die with you."
"That's what makes you the bravest."
Levi's face crumpled and he looked away. Some part of Eren was screaming in panic, deep inside, because he was not prepared to deal with a crying Corporal Levi.
But Levi didn't cry, just twisted up his face and shuddered, which was almost worse. Eren patted his shoulder awkwardly, and tried to look anywhere but at his pained expression. His eyes alighted on the wings, shaking as well, and the forlorn state of their feathers. They must have been out for days to have reached this state, he thought. Very gently, he let go of Levi's shoulder and ran his fingertips over the arch of one wing, stroking the feathers.
"Look at your poor wings," Eren said softly. "Petra, Erd, Auruo, and Gunter… they loved these wings. They wouldn't want to see them like this." Carefully, he started straightening the silky feathers, smoothing their barbs out and realigning them. In this light, he could see that they were far from being pitch black. Glints of blue and purple were visible, catching sunlight at different angles. Levi buried his head in his knee again, shuddering.
He didn't know if this was what he was supposed to be doing. He didn't know if he was being helpful at all, because in the past Levi had been kind of reluctant to have his wings petted. But he wasn't fighting it now, not even putting on a show of resistance. Eren didn't know if that was because he wanted it, or because he was too tired to fight anymore. He sincerely hoped the former.
Now that he'd started, he didn't know what to do but continue, lavishing attention on the dark feathers while Levi made occasional choked sounds. He was cooperating now, though, spreading his wing to give Eren easier access, tilting it when Eren tugged.
He didn't know how long he kept going. At some point his hands cramped and ached, his back hurt, and the expanse of wing was just so huge that he didn't think he could do all of it. The corporal had quieted, just shivering beneath Eren's touch.
He wanted Levi to wake up, to give him an order, take the situation out of Eren's hands. It should be Erwin in here, or maybe Hange… But no, this was something only he could give Levi, because he was a shifter, too. He knew what it was like to hate what you could become, yet be forced to recognize it as part of yourself. Levi might not be a titan shifter, but as of now, he was the only shifter Eren knew he could believe in, and would follow. Levi had chosen the right side, the side Eren wanted to be on.
Levi slumped forward, his head dipping, and Eren realized he had fallen asleep. Even now, the lines on his face cut deep, showing he wasn't truly at rest. Carefully, Eren leaned him back against the pillows, tugging his wings to what seemed like a reasonably comfortable angle. It was warm, but not enough to be completely uncovered, so Eren rearranged the cotton sheet on Levi's lap, untangled it from his legs. Giving the sheet one last pat, Eren turned to go.
"Wait," Levi mumbled. His eyes were open again, two exhausted slits. "Don't go, Eren. I… I need… I'm so tired… fucking wings…"
"Of course." Eren sat back down, heart fluttering, then carefully reached to take Levi's hand from where it lay on the bed. Levi wanted something more, but what was it? Eren thought furiously. Something about the wings, which weren't dissolving, despite the strain on Levi… the wings which were a defense mechanism, a means of escape. "You're safe," he said, infusing his voice with conviction. "I promise. I won't let anything touch you."
Levi let out a shuddering breath, seeming to fight an internal battle.
"If you want," Eren continued, "I'll turn titan for you. Nobody will get past me."
That… did something, because Levi relaxed, and huffed what could be a laugh. "This is enough," he said. He shuddered again, closed his eyes, and let out a sob as the wings began dissolving into steam. It was hot enough to burn, but Eren clung to his hand, gritted his teeth against the pain. Any burns would soon heal.
Then it was over, the wings were gone, leaving Levi impossibly small and drowning in the large bed without their bulk on either side of him. Levi slumped again, this time with relief. With the hand that wasn't holding the corporal's, Eren pushed most of the pile of pillows out of the way so he could lie down comfortably.
Levi was fast asleep almost before he was prone. The hand in Eren's relaxed, but Eren kept his hold, and kept his vigil. He had promised Levi to keep him safe, to carry the burden of those who were no longer by his side.