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He has been Ben Organa to some, Ben Solo to others, and Kylo Ren to all. Never anyone to himself. Never a person unto himself. The girl, however, has never been anything but. He has never in his life met anyone so wholly confident of their own being save, perhaps, his mother.
He envies her that confidence and hates himself for his own weakness. If he had but a fraction of her strength, none of the misery he has visited upon the universe would have happened...or it wouldn't bother him at all.
When the girl bests him and his his father falls to his hand, he's presented with a moment of clarity in the agony of his body, mind, and soul.
It's a moment of exhaustion so profound that Kylo Ren can do nothing but walk away from the worlds. There have been so many expectations, dreams, and hopes that he's failed. He just wants to be gone. He wants to be invisible and the Force obliges.
The Force seems to narrow around him, wrapping close, shielding him from everyone. It's a simple thing to compel Hux to release him. It shouldn't be. The man is in possession of a will that should be frightening, but he overwhelms it with barely a thought.
From there, it's ship after ship until he touches foot to the sands of Tatooine. Uncle Luke had told him of the place and growing up here. He'd listened to the stories of how the planet had trained him in the ways of the Force long before his mentor, Ben's namesake, Obi Wan Kenobi, had ever had the opportunity to train him.
He doesn't know if that's why he's here now or if it's just old Ben's sanctuary that he seeks, but it doesn't matter. He's tired. Weary in a way that the Force cannot comfort. No drill nor lesson that Snoke had imparted could even begin to touch it. The only solace he can find is in the silence of the wastelands and the Force that permeates it.
A part of him whispers of cowardice, of hiding away when the galaxy needs so much, another whispers of betrayal and of hiding when his duty to Snoke remains undone. He listens to neither. They've been fighting over him his whole life, agents of Dark and Light both, and he's tired of it all.
Days pass into weeks, into months, and he spends the time cleaning up and repairing Master Kenobi's home. It's good work, honest work, and the Force keeps him company. He feels presences from time to time, but they never come close, and perhaps the Force is sheltering him now. Not that he deserves it. Clarity is a terrible thing. Understanding is worse. The weight of his mistakes press down on him and he keeps working. Eventually, the work becomes training, meditation and exercises, and in the Force he finds the teachers of his grandfather's youth.
They teach him the things that Snoke wouldn't, that Luke couldn't, and perhaps he finds his own sort of balance in it all.
But still, he knows that the galaxy is awaiting him. The battle is awaiting him. He has his own penance to do. While he cannot give back life to the dead, he can prevent more from joining them...
And then the day arrives when she comes to him. She might have been elegant and beautiful in another life, but in this one, Rey has come into her own. Sharp, powerful, and something beyond him in a way that would have enraged him once.
Now, he stares at her in his doorway, hair sand-swept and eyes sympathetic. He might have been what she is had he not fallen so far.
"But instead, you are what you need to be," Rey says. "There are an awful lot of people in this galaxy who think they are too far gone to turn back. They think there can be no chance of a new beginning." She holds out her hand. "Who better than Ben Organa-Solo to teach them otherwise?"
He breathes, considers, and imagines his father standing before him. He can never apologize enough, he can never do enough, but he will try.
It isn't enough, but it will have to do.
Ben opens his eyes, faces Rey, and takes the hand she's offering.