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The whole world is watching when the PPDC hosts their first official press conference after the Breach has been forced closed. World leaders from every country have had their say while the PPDC remained quiet. Never have just a few days stretched into such a long wait. No one quite knows if the heroes of the hour are licking their wounds in private or if they’re celebrating too joyous to worry about the rest of the world for once. Or maybe they’ve finally turned their backs on the world that gave up on them before the end.
Vanessa justifies watching the PPDC press conference because it was so highly anticipated and because everyone else was doing it anyway. She’s spent the last ten years pushing them as far out of her mind as she can. It’s not as hard as it sounds. Living in Berlin insulates a person from the kaiju and the jaegers, both physically and emotionally.
A man the graphic at the bottom of her screen identifies as Marshal Herc Hansen takes center stage. His eyes are bloodshot and ringed with dark circles. He definitely does not look like he’s been celebrating at all. The weight of lives lost and heartache washes over Vanessa and her reasons for hating the jaegers and wanting to build a wall feel even more justified. What’s left of the PPDC fills the platform behind Marshal Hansen. Rows and rows of engineers, tech crews, and Rangers. Standing a bit more forward, closer to their leader, are the surviving two jaeger pilots, a strange-looking man in suspenders and a bowtie holding a bulldog on a leash, a twitchy man with tattoo sleeves blazing in the Hong Kong sun, and- Oh, there he is. He stayed to the bitter end.
Hermann doesn’t look all that different than she remembers. Ten years have added lines around his eyes and his mouth. She knows they aren’t smile lines but rather lines born of stress and constant tension. Even in their best days together, his smiles were few and far between. He’s leaning heavily on a cane and Vanessa has a nearly overwhelming urge to know why.
Marshal Hansen’s remarks are brief: a summary of the kaiju attack on Hong Kong, the push to close the Breach, a moment of silence for fallen comrades, and a statement that the PPDC will not close its doors immediately but will continue to monitor for the potential, but unlikely, reopening of the Breach. Vanessa barely hears any of it. Her eyes stay on Hermann, wishing she could get a better look at him.
Throughout the press conference, Hermann inches closer to the twitchy tattooed man and Vanessa takes note of that. By the time Marshal Hansen is asking the PPDC, and the world as well, to bow their heads in honor of the men and women who died to protect those still standing, Hermann’s right shoulder is tucked behind the twitchy man. The quality of the live feed from the Hong Kong Shatterdome is questionable, but Vanessa doesn’t miss the quick squeeze of the tattooed man’s hand around Hermann’s fingers where they clench over the top of his cane.
That’s very new indeed.
***************
That night, after the boys are sleeping safe in their beds for the first time in their short lives and her husband has fallen asleep at her back, Vanessa dreams about the last time she saw Hermann. It’s more than ten years ago, but her subconscious clearly remembers the smashing of plates and glasses, the screaming, and the vicious things they’d said to one another. She told him if he went to the PPDC to never bother contacting her again. He left in the middle of the night without another word. She sold the ring to buy a new dress in a vain attempt to get over her broken engagement.
Hermann was never the coward. She’s the one that ends up silently crying in her bathroom after a decade old nightmare.
***************
The remaining PPDC members get pulled into more and more interviews. Vanessa doesn’t want to watch them but the brief glimpse of Hermann on the deck of the Hong Kong Shatterdome wasn’t enough.
Most of the news interviews are done by Marshal Hansen. He looks better than he did at the first press conference but he’s obviously not comfortable in front of a camera. His Ranger blues stand out against the boring backgrounds the talking heads put him against. He’s a soldier through and through.
The two remaining pilots, Becket and Mori, start to show up in magazines and on talk shows. They move around each other like celestial bodies caught in the same gravitational pull. They finish each other’s sentence and share sly looks. Is that what drifting with someone does? Some days, it’s the worst thing Vanessa can imagine and others she longs to have someone in her head like that. She looks at her children and thinks drifting might be the closest thing to unconditional love there really is.
***************
She’s still guiltily watching interviews and reading articles about the PPDC and the final days of the war when further details finally start to emerge. Ranger Becket let slip in an interview that two of their K-Science team members, the last of their research department, drifted with a kaiju brain and that’s what allowed them to find their way into the breach. It’s meant as an attempt to give credit where credit is due, to honor more than just the jaeger pilots as heroes, but it turns Vanessa’s stomach and her throat burns hot with bile.
She knows it was Hermann and the tattooed man (Dr. Newton Geiszler, the articles tell her) who drifted together and with the kaiju brain before it’s officially confirmed. She could never imagine Hermann doing it, but she knows it had to be him. But it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to envision Dr. Geiszler instigating the whole stupid idea. Vanessa doesn’t even know him and she wants to wring his neck for putting Hermann in that kind of danger.
Two days after Ranger Becket’s revelation, a group of PPDC members are spotted at a karaoke bar in Hong Kong. Vanessa almost doesn’t look at the pictures popping up all over the internet because she knows this is something Hermann would avoid at all costs. But there he is. Crammed in the back of an over-large booth looking surly. Dr. Geiszler’s brightly colored arm is thrown over the booth behind Hermann’s shoulders. Is it just resting on the booth or is deliberately around Hermann?
In all the photos, Hermann never moves. There are a few where Dr. Geiszler is missing from the booth, but he always comes back to Hermann’s side. There’s one shot, mixed in the middle of dozen that were taken that night, where Hermann is leaning toward Dr. Geiszler. His head tilts down to look the other man in the eye. He’s in profile so Vanessa can’t be entirely sure but she thinks he’s smiling. Like he’s caught in Dr. Geiszler’s gravitational pull.
She saves that picture to a hidden folder on her hard drive.
***************
Newton Geiszler starts showing up on science themed shows and the occasional talk show. He’s loud, crass, and just as twitchy as he seemed during that first press conference. Hermann doesn’t appear with him but sometimes, in the middle of a long or boring question, Newton’s eyes scan somewhere off camera and Vanessa can see the exact moment they lock onto something solid, something real, to ground him. Someone to ground him, really.
Knowing that Hermann is there, never taking credit for his work and never stepping into the spotlight, twists a knot in Vanessa’s chest. The pain is as much for his sake as it is for hers.
***************
Finally, weeks after the scientists’ role in the final push to close the Breach becomes public knowledge, Hermann appears next to Newton in an interview. It’s a respectable British news program. Newton handles most of the questions and Hermann only speaks when directly spoken to.
The next day, a gossip website reports that an unnamed source at the news program claims Dr. Geiszler kept his hand squeezed tight to Dr. Gottlieb’s thigh under the desk for the entire interview. Vanessa wonders if that’s the drift or something else.
***************
She gets her answer a week or so later. An enterprising paparazzi snaps a pictures of Mako Mori and Raleigh Becket leaving a posh restaurant in London. The media focuses on how happy they look and if they’re more than just co-pilots. Vanessa focuses on the glimpse of Hermann in the background and how Newton Geiszler’s tattooed left arm is wrapped around Hermann’s right elbow while the rest of him disappears out of frame.
A few other astute PPDC watchers point this out on gossip blogs and forums. Several argue that Newton is probably just supporting his friend home after a few drinks. Vanessa may have only known Hermann when he was healthy and whole, but she knows him well enough to know that he would never lean on someone unless he absolutely has too. And she knows he doesn’t drink. Not that much can change in ten years.
More than just the drift then. It’s a bittersweet realization.
***************
Hermann’s first solo interview is barely promoted. It’s for a German news program who is very happy to have a native son being touted as a hero. Vanessa watches it live and sets her DVR to record it, just in case.
His answer are short and sharp, just as she expected them to be. He slows when the presenter asks him about Dr. Geiszler. Hermann’s answers are just as factual and precise as ever, but his eyes go soft and the lines around his mouth relax.
Vanessa spends the rest of the interview hoping that Newton Geiszler loves Hermann as much as she’s sure Hermann loves him. A man who has loved so little should never have his heart broken twice in one lifetime.
She deletes the interview without rewatching it.
***************
Hermann does more solo interviews after that. Some ask about Newton, some just focus on his work. Only once does Hermann slip and call him Newt on television.
Vanessa files away all the evidence of Hermann’s heart as steadily as if she were filling her own children’s scrapbooks.
***************
She’s in line at the supermarket when she sees Hermann and Newt splash over the front page of Bild.
They’re holding hands. Obviously and publically, holding hands. Fingers entangled and knuckles knocking together. There can be no mistake or misinterpretation this time. Men in their mid-30s do not often platonically hold hands in the street.
More importantly than the hands is that Hermann is smiling. An honest and open smile that Vanessa saw only a few times in their years together, but now it’s directed entirely at a laughing Newt Geiszler.
As quickly as her joy skyrocketed, it plummets back down to the pit of her stomach. This is the last thing Hermann would want. Privacy had always been tied to Hermann’s perceived level of respect from others. Being outed like this is sure to send him reeling.
A wave of protective feeling makes Vanessa want to gather up all the copies of Bild in her arms so no one else can see them. She pushes it down but does buy herself a copy.
Their picture is then splashed all over entertainment news shows. Every time Vanessa sees it, her heart jumps with joy for Hermann and her stomach turns in agony. The commentary is alternatively supportive and vindictive. One commentator points out that this is what you would expect from two people who drifted together, particularly two people who are not attached by familial bond or trained to control their emotions, and Vanessa nearly screams at the television. Hermann deserves this; he’s earned any happiness he find. How dare they reduce it to a side effect of his Earth saving drift with Newton. How dare they.
Hermann stops doing interviews after that. Vanessa’s not surprised but she is sad, for more reasons than one.
***************
Vanessa keeps checking the tabloids in line at the supermarket after that. News of the scientists dies down, replaced by movie stars and Becket and Mori. The media blitz around the PPDC is still strong. There are new interviews nearly every day as well as special events and lectures. Newt’s had some speaking engagements about kaiju biology at universities, but Hermann has remained silent.
It takes a few weeks, but there’s a small article in Bild reporting that Drs. Gottlieb and Geiszler are sharing a suite at The Standard in the East Village while Newt gives a series of lectures at NYU. The anonymous source reports that the two argue regularly, and loudly, but seem very happy to be together.
There’s no picture this time so Vanessa takes the report with a grain of salt, but she wants it to be true.
***************
Newt’s next televised interview is supposed to be about his makeshift drift equipment and the discovery of the kaiju hivemind. The panel of morning talk show hosts ask him about Hermann instead.
Newt doesn’t miss a beat; his energy never drains. “Dr. Gottlieb and I have worked together for a very long time and shared a drift with the kaiju. Understandably, we’re very close.” It’s neither a confirmation nor a denial, but Newt’s smile is tight and his shoulders are tense.
Vanessa knows that feeling. She remembers what it’s like to love an extraordinary man, a man whose brilliance may go overlooked because of who he is and how he presents himself to the rest of the world. You want to shout that he is yours, that he let you and only you inside that hard shell. Hermann never let her shout it as loudly as she would have liked, and it looks like Newt can’t do any shouting of his own. He certainly doesn’t seem like the type to keep good news to himself. Though, their reasons are probably more pressing or at least more complex.
She watches as Newt tries to steer the conversation back to the inner workings of the kaiju brain but the picture of the two of them holding hands comes up on the screen.
I guess I’m not the only one that made it past that shell after all.
Both Newt and Hermann stick to university lectures after that.
***************
Four months after the Breach is closed, Vanessa sees a post on the TU Berlin website announcing that Dr. Geiszler and Dr. Gottlieb will be giving a set of lectures to TU students in their respective fields. There is one public lecture, featuring both doctors, scheduled for a Tuesday evening. Vanessa immediately secures a single ticket and informs her husband that he’ll be taking care of their children that night.
There’s an undercurrent of nostalgia washing over Vanessa as she sits in one of the larger auditoriums at TU. This is where she and Hermann met a lifetime ago. It was a much smaller room but the feeling isn’t that different.
Hermann takes the podium first, which catches her by surprise. She had come to think of Newt as the one who pushes forward, who rushes into things first, but in terms of the popularity of their work, Hermann is more of the opening act.
His lecture is dry, boring even. He has no stage presence and he flips through predictive models on the projection far too quickly. Vanessa’s heart fills with youthful fondness for him.
Newt is much more engaging. He bounces from one end of the stage to the other. He tells jokes. He has pictures and artwork of the kaiju mixed in with his more scientific slides. At the beginning, his hair is neatly combed and his sleeves are buttoned at the wrists. By the end, his hair is standing on end and the tattoo sleeves are on full display.
Hermann comes back out for a question and answer session. He and Newt are careful to stay a respectable distance from each other while taking questions, but Vanessa can still see the pull of each other’s gravity drawing them in. It’s in the angle of Hermann’s leg toward Newt, the twitch of Newt’s fingers when Hermann walks in front of him. Anyone else would probably miss the signs, but Vanessa remembers what loving Hermann looks like. And what love looks like on him.
She has so many things she wants to ask them, to ask him. Are you happy? Is this where you’ll be forever? Do you regret the way we ended? Has he broken you of your shyness in bed? None of them are appropriate in the face of the eager young students and respectable professors lining the aisle and offering their questions to the microphone. Do you love him? You look like you love him.
Vanessa waits until the Q&A ends and the applause dies down. Newt and Hermann stay on stage and a small crowd gather around them. Newt plops down on the stage, front and center, with legs dangling over the edge to talk to his admirers. Hermann edges away and a few people in the crowd break off and follow him. He stands awkwardly several feet away and takes more questions from those standing around the stage. He’s leaning heavily on his cane and Vanessa wishes he’d find a chair. Wishes that Newt would bring him a chair in her place.
She keeps waiting until the last of Hermann’s questioners nods their thanks and wanders away. Some join Newt’s still energetic group while others leave the auditorium. Hermann doesn’t offer to shake any of their hands and Vanessa smiles at that. He’s never liked to touch, to be touched, and it’s comforting to see for sure that some things don’t change with time.
Hermann doesn’t see her when she steps forward. He’s gazing at Newt, still surrounded and answering questions with the enthusiasm of a kid on Christmas morning, with a pinched expression on his face. You’re showing your hand, Hermann. At least to me, Vanessa thinks. She makes it all the way to the edge of the stage before he looks down at her.
The look of shock only lasts a moment before his face goes blank. “Vanessa?”
“Hi, Hermann.” She wills her eyes not to go watery but it’s a reunion long in the making.
“You still live in Berlin.” Vanessa nods in response and there’s a strained silence between them. All the questions she longs to know the answer too die on her tongue. When faced with the man himself, they are far too personal. It’s no longer her place, hasn’t been for over ten years, to know the inner workings of his heart.
Hermann awkwardly sits on the stage then slides his legs to the floor, coming to stand next to Vanessa. “You told me never to speak to you again.”
Of course that would be the most important thing to Hermann: the perseverance of an old promise to a discarded lover. “That was over ten years ago, Hermann. A lot has changed.” She wants to say his name as often as she can. She wants to burn it onto her tongue like a brand in honor of her past and this extraordinary man.
“Has it?” The edge of acid and cruelty that she knows he can deploy as lethally as any spiked kaiju tentacle is back in his voice. She’s missed it.
“I’m sorry. I really am.” She glances over her shoulder toward Newt. “But it looks like we’ve both ended up right where we belong. I’m proud of you, Hermann.” Proud of him for his work with the PPDC, for saving the world, and for finding Newt in the drift. For all of the last ten years.
He follows her gaze toward Newt. His eyes stay there a moment too long before snapping back to Vanessa. “I don’t want you to be proud of me.”
She smiles against the deliberate obstinance. She’s missed that too. “I know. But I am anyway.”
That causes a ghost of a smile on Hermann’s lips and Vanessa may count it as the hardest won victory of her life.
They’re staring at each other, an uneasy truce settling between them, when Newt sneaks up behind Hermann.
“Hey.” His voice squeaks as he gently squeezes the back of Hermann’s neck. His hand falls away immediately but Vanessa doesn’t miss the look of contentment that passes over Hermann’s face at the warmth of Newt’s palm on his skin.
Newt is rather handsome up close. Not as handsome as Hermann is, in Vanessa’s opinion anyway, but he vibrates with energy even when standing still.
“Newton, this is Vanessa Eberstark. Vanessa, Dr. Newton Geiszler.” Hermann is stiff and uncomfortable through the introduction.
“Oh! Vanessa.” The shock of recognition comes over his face as he shakes her hand. So, he told you about me then. Or did you see it inside his head?
She manages a smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Dr. Geiszler.”
“Call me Newt. Only my mother calls me Dr. Geiszler.” She can practically hear Hermann’s eye roll and she likes this man. She genuinely likes him. “I think we have to leave. We’re supposed to get dinner with some of the university organizers, but you could come with us if you want. Hermann doesn’t talk at these things anyway so maybe you two could catch up...”.
Bless Newt for trying. For giving permission for the one he loves to have this chance with his former lover. Even if neither of them really wants it.
“Thank you, Newt.” She’s been calling him that in her head for ages anyway so it feels natural. “But I have to get home. I have young children so even a few hours out is a luxury.”
“You have children?” Hermann’s voice is strained but it’s the first genuine interest she’s seen from him.
“Yes, two boys. They’re five and two.”
Hermann stares at her, mouth hanging slightly open. Newt jumps in to break the silence. “Wow. That’s great. I bet they’re...fun.”
She understands Hermann’s shock. This isn’t where she saw herself ten years ago either, but she’s happier than she ever expected to be. They both have ended up right where they’re supposed to be. “They are. They keep me busy.” Her smile is serene even though her nerves jump like a bundle of live wires. “It was good to see you, Hermann.” Vanessa holds her hand out, nervous that Hermann won’t take it.
He does. Ten years in forced close quarters with hundreds of people must have ingrained some manners in him. His grip is light, as little skin coming into contact with her as possible, and he only nods.
When he drops her hand, she turns to Newt. “Nice to meet you as well, Newt.” His handshake is more enthusiastic, but everything about Newt is more enthusiastic.
She makes it to the top of the auditorium before she turns to look back. Both men have turned away from her. Hermann’s head is bent low and his shoulders are tense. Newt is leaning close to the side of his lowered face. At this distance, Vanessa can’t tell if Newt is whispering something to Hermann of if that slow movement of lips is a kiss across the shell of Hermann’s ear. His arm is wrapped around Hermann’s back and the bright colors of kaiju tentacles ripple as he squeezes.
She watches them until Newt looks up and catches her eye. There’s no judgment or anger in his gaze, but maybe it was selfish of her to approach Hermann tonight. Selfish to come to the lecture at all. But Vanessa needed him to see, needed him to know that she knew. She needed him to know that she was glad for his happiness, even after all these years.
When she returns home, she kisses her husband and throws away all her copies of Bild.