Chapter Text
“Levi,” Erwin says. “You need to do another evening program with your kids.”
Levi scowls. “We have an evening program, not my fault it's become a standing one, the dirty little brats – ”
“Cleaning the bathrooms isn't a program, Levi.” Erwin raises an eyebrow, a mix of exasperation and indulgence. “They're ten. Come on.”
Well, they're fucking useless at cleaning anyways, he supposes. Thank God for the staff lounge bathrooms or he'd be forced to shit in the woods. “Whatever,” he says, crossing his arms. “Any suggestions?”
Erwin looks relieved. “You don't have to go all-out, just any of the old standbys are fine. Campfire, snipe hunt, that sort of thing. I'm sending Ymir on a food run, I could ask her to get some chocolate if you guys want to do s'mores.”
Levi has a mental image of his campers crowded around a bonfire, fingers coated in melted chocolate and marshmallow all over their faces. He shudders involuntarily.
“No, that's okay. I'll think of something.” He notices a speck of toast below the collar of Erwin's polo, and flicks it off. “I've never done a snipe hunt before.”
Erwin blushes, because he's easy as fuck, and Levi allows himself a moment of smug satisfaction before his friend falls back into the role of Staff Director. “You should think about it,” he says, earnestly. “The kids love it; we haven't had a good snipe hunt at camp in ages.”
“Ah yes, the Great Snipe Hunt of '09,” Levi nods, smirking. “One for the history books.”
“You weren't there,” Erwin tells him, leaning back against the wall of the mess hall. “I can give you some pointers, if you want.”
Levi glares.
“I'm just saying, it'll be hard to beat.”
Levi snorts. “You're about as transparent as a fucking glass right now.”
Erwin grins. “What you do is you use a pillowcase to trap the snipe, and then sort of shove your hand in the back of the pillowcase like the snipe is struggling, and – ”
“God, you've really thought this out,” Levi says, vaguely horrified. “No, please, keep me in suspense, don't spoil the ending.”
“ – the snipe gets away, never to be seen again,” Erwin finishes, talking over him.
“A hand in a pillowcase. I honestly don't know how I'll possibly top that, you're right.”
Erwin gives him a sly look and says, “Well, I do have very convincing hands.”
Levi inclines his head acquiescently. “Not your most persuasive body part, but you'd probably go to jail if you busted that out in front of the kids.”
“Jesus,” Erwin exhales in a short laugh. He glances behind them at the mess hall, where campers and counselors alike are scraping their plates. “Looks like they're finishing up in there.”
“Just so you know, this was a totally unsatisfying private talk,” Levi tells him, reaching for the door handle. “I fully expect you to make it up to me later.”
Erwin's cheeks go a little pink again. “After your evening program, sure.”
Levi gives him a pointed look, a silent whatever, and then he's back at the head of his table, watching in mild disgust as Jean and Connie fling potato bits at other other with spoons. Sasha's trying very hard to hide the fact that there's a bagel sticking out of her shorts pocket, and Eren is more or less covered in jam. As usual.
Children, Levi thinks, with an edge of something approaching fondness that he sternly refuses to acknowledge, really are the foulest little beasts in the world.
“Kirstein, you're sponging the table,” he announces. “Springer, get a mop, you're cleaning under it.”
Connie jumps, his mouth falls open. “But – ”
“Or I'll tell Ymir what you're doing with the food she makes for you to eat,” Levi adds, lowering his voice. “Jaeger, go to the bathroom for God's sake and clean your face before you get covered in bees again. Braus – ”
Sasha's face falls, and Levi considers his next words. “Keep crumbs out of the cabin,” he says, finally. “Last thing Petra needs to deal with from you is another ant infestation.”
Sasha beams at him and nods her agreement vigorously.
No one moves, except Marco, who is quietly stacking plates after he scrapes them.
“Hurry up!” Levi snaps, glaring around at them. “We're meeting Bertholdt at ropes course in twenty minutes. I will leave you here.”
They all rush to comply immediately, and Levi sits down to look over the day's rotation schedule. Ropes, nature, pool, lunch. Rest hour, art, teen program, dinner. Evening program. He realizes with a burst of irritation, and just a touch of pride, that Erwin did actually get him to agree to a snipe hunt, of all fucking things.
He has no choice, he supposes, but to put on the best snipe hunt the camp has even seen. Flipping the schedule over on his clipboard, he takes out his pencil and starts to brainstorm ideas.
Pillowcases, it goes without saying, are out.
***
Hanji ambushes him when they're at Arts and Crafts, something he can't say he wasn't expecting. “Levi!” she cries, breaking down from her run and bracing her hand against the supply shed. “Did you hear? There's been a snipe attack!”
The campers all go silent. Even Reiner, who's helping Armin pick colors for his lanyard, looks up curiously at Hanji's outburst.
Levi scowls at her. “You don't say,” he replies dryly.
“Oh, it was horrible!” she continues, dramatically running the back of her wrist across her forehead. “The doctors say they'll be able to reattach Director Pixis's hand, but the snipe escaped!” She lowers her eyes and adds, in an ominous tone, “You know what that means.”
Levi sighs. “I suppose it's now loose on the camp grounds.”
“Yes!” she shouts, collapsing backwards again, leaning heavily on the shed. “And it's a vicious one, Levi, I haven't seen a snipe this dangerous in years.”
“Is there a reason you're telling me this?” he asks, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
“There is,” she says solemnly. Then she turns to face his campers, as though just noticing them. “But I shouldn't tell you in front of your campers, it's far too frightening for them to hear.”
There's a moment of silence, and then everyone starts shouting at once.
“We're not babies!” Eren yells, shooting up out of his seat. “Tell us!”
“Tell us!” Connie echoes.
“It bit off the director's hand?” Thomas squeaks.
“Tell us, before it gets us too!” Jean shouts, an edge of panic to his voice.
Mikasa turns to Armin, who shrugs when she asks, “What's a snipe?”
“Tell us!” Sasha cries, accidentally hitting Jean in the face with her lanyard strings.
Hanji presses her hand over her heart and steps forward. She appears to be summoning something, probably the will to keep a straight face. Reiner has already retreated to the back of the art tables, shaking with laughter.
“You're all very brave,” Hanji tells the campers. “The truth is, I came to find your counselor Levi because he is actually a world-famous snipe hunter.” She spares him a glance that looks suspiciously like a wink, and adds, “I hope you don't mind, Corporal, that I'm sharing your big secret.”
“Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of stopping you,” Levi says, motioning for her to go on. Corporal. That's new, anyways.
She turns back to the campers. “But I fear even Levi cannot catch this vicious snipe, not on his own. He needs help, but,” she hangs her head, “we have no others with his level of skill.”
Ten small faces turn to look at him wonderingly. He thinks about standing up, and decides it's probably not necessary. “What about you, Hanji?” he asks, tapping his fingers against the table. “I could train you to be a snipe hunter.”
“Oh, not me!” she exclaims, stepping backwards, almost breaking her composure. “I am – I am too afraid of the snipes! Terrified.” When he doesn't reply, she gives him an exasperated look and says, “What you need is people who are brave, people who aren't afraid to fight for the camp.”
The campers, who've been hanging on her every word, are suddenly distracted as Eren tumbles out of his seat. “I'll do it!” he shouts, scrambling to his feet. “I will help Levi save the camp!”
Mikasa stands up. “Me too!” she says, and the other campers start nodding their agreement.
Now, Levi decides, is the time to get to his feet. “You want to help me hunt the snipe?” he asks them all incredulously. “Impossible. You have no training, you'd simply be in my way.”
“Train us!” Sasha calls.
“You said you could train Hanji,” Armin argues, “Train us instead!”
“I think they've got what it takes, Levi,” Reiner says, failing spectacularly at hiding his grin.
“We're not discussing this now,” Levi says dismissively. “I'll think it over. Finish your lanyards; we'll discuss this on the way to our next rotation.”
His campers, who five minutes ago couldn't've been happier playing with bits of colorful plastic string, now look as though he's just canceled their birthdays and Christmas in one fell swoop. Honestly.
“Don't worry, guys,” Reiner says in a conspiratorial voice. “We'll finish up a few minutes early so you can talk to Lev – uh, Corporal Levi,” he amends with a wicked grin. “If you want, I can teach you how to make snipe nets.”
They all gape at him.
“Yeah, I know a couple things about snipes myself. Marco, c'mere, let me show you, it's really similar to a lanyard stitch, actually...”
Levi gets up and walks over to Hanji, letting Reiner take the lead on this one. At least he's not telling them to use pillowcases.
“You look very pleased with yourself,” he comments, earning a wide grin. “'Corporal', really?”
“I may have improvised a bit,” she shrugs, looking utterly unabashed. “You can carry it, I think.”
“I take it the entire camp's heard at this point.”
She nods. “We even got Pixis to wear a bandage on his hand. Cabin 104 is gonna be famous after tonight.”
“And the bathrooms will return to their previous state as a toxic waste dump,” he sighs. “Any other changes to our schedule I should know about?”
Hanji glances down at her clipboard. “What do you have next? Teen program?” She chews her lip thoughtfully. “I'll have them set up a training program for that rotation, if it's okay with you.”
“Sure,” he says. “I guess I'll give them a speech during snack.”
“Ooh, a Levi speech,” she grins. “I'm sorry I'll miss it. We have five campers in the infirmary with poison oak, though, I promised I'd read them a story next rotation.”
“They really don't give you much to do as a Unit Head, do they?”
Her eyes twinkle behind her glasses. “Maybe I'm just a really efficient worker.”
“This is Camp Rose, there's literally no such thing.”
She laughs, looking over his shoulder. “You better get into character, Levi. I think your fan club's about to riot.”
He glances behind him. Eren and Connie are testing their snipe nets on Jean, much to the delight of the others. Notably, not to the delight of Jean.
“I'll see you at dinner?”
“Assuming I don't get attacked by that vicious snipe,” he says, raising an eyebrow at her. She laughs again, and then her walkie-talkie goes off, and she hurries off to respond.
***
His kids are uncharacteristically quiet as they make their way to the office for snack. Eren and Armin are whispering with their heads together, but everyone else is gazing reverently at him, clutching their snipe nets with ill-contained excitement on their faces. He enjoys the silence until he suspects it's bordering on cruelty, has Franz pass out the Otter Pops, and then paces in front of them, preparing himself.
“What Hanji told you is true,” he begins. “I have...advanced training in snipe hunting. I can teach you some of what I know, and if you master the skills well enough, I'll take you with me to catch the snipe that's loose on camp grounds.”
“Are you gonna teach us how to kill it?” Eren blurts out.
He glares at the interruption. “No.”
“But – ” Eren falters, looks to Mikasa, who gives him an encouraging nod. “Hanji said it was dangerous! We have to kill it!”
“We're not going to – ”
“The creature attacked Director Pixis, it must be stopped,” Mikasa argues. “By any means necessary.”
Jesus Christ, these kids are ten. Levi shakes his head, thinking quickly. “The Western Snipe is actually highly endangered, Ackerman. It is a federal crime to kill them. We must capture it and return it to the authorities.”
For a moment, they all seem to consider his words, sucking thoughtfully on their Otter Pops. Then everyone starts speaking at once.
“Is it true the snipe is as big as a bear?”
“Do they really have poisonous fangs?”
“Did it come from the river? Can snipes swim?”
“How many snipes did you capture when you were a snipe hunter?”
“Can snipes really turn into humans at the full moon?”
“Something licked my face last night! I think it might've been the snipe!”
“No, I'm pretty sure that was Jean.”
“Are snipes dinosaurs?”
“What if the snipe has snipe babies?”
“Can snipes grant wishes?”
“Enough,” he snaps, halting his steps and facing them. “If you really want to become snipe hunters, you must learn some respect.”
Miraculously, they all fall silent again.
“Here's how it's going to work,” he says, clasping his hands behind his back and resuming pacing. “For the duration of your training, I'm no longer your counselor, I'm your superior officer. You will address me as Corporal, I will address you as Cadets. Actually, I will address you however the hell I want, because I'm your superior officer. Clear?”
He can hardly believe his ears when he received a quiet chorus of, “Yes, sir.” Eren even snaps into a salute, adding, “I will assist you in any way I can, Corporal, for the duration of our training.”
Levi glances coolly at him. “You can start by cleaning yourself up, Cadet Jaeger, and possibly learning how to eat without ending up with half your food on your face.” He continues, “Snipes are drawn to sugar, even trace amounts, so you'd all better make sure your hands and faces are clean before we go out tonight, unless you want to lose them.”
Armin raises his hand. “Corporal, if snipes are drawn to sugar, why haven't we seen one at camp for so many years?”
“As I said, they are highly endangered,” Levi says. “Also, they hibernate for years at a time. Snipes are very elusive, which is why it takes so much training to hunt them.”
Sasha raises her hand. “What do they look like?”
Levi's thought hard about how he'll answer this question. “It varies,” he says, slowly. “The first thing you need to know about snipes is that they are fast. Too fast to see, almost. It's possible you'll never get a good look at it. They are not,” he says to Hannah, “as big as bears. The biggest one I ever caught was the size of a cat.”
Jean scoffs. “That doesn't sound very dangerous.”
“No?” Levi raises his eyebrows. “You think size is such a factor here, Kirstein? You think you can easily go up against a creature that can move faster than you can see, that has three inch fangs and razor sharp claws that can slice through human bone, that can take you apart and drag you back to its lair, piece by piece, and feast on your remains for months?”
Muted horror meets him from every face. Ten, he reminds himself. Petra's going to kill him.
“We're going to teen program now,” he says, clapping his hands together. “The teens have agreed to assist me with your training. I expect you all to obey their orders without question.”
“Yes, sir!” they all shout, clambering to their feet.
This time, all it takes is a pointed glare to send them running to the bathrooms to wash the popsicle juice off their hands and faces. Levi thinks, in another life, he could've really enjoyed military rank.
***
The teen program rotation goes better than expected. Reiner helps the kids make masks to wear over the back of their heads (“so the snipe thinks it can't sneak up on you”), Christa teaches them how to throw the snipe nets, and even Annie instructs them on tracking snipes, which involves counting scratches on trees (snipes apparently have three toes on each foot and very strong hindquarters, they leap from tree to tree to get around). Bertholdt teaches them some basic defensive moves, and assures Levi that they'll all be out in the woods that evening to help during the hunt.
“It's so exciting!” he grins, rubbing his hands together. “We haven't had a good snipe hunt since I was like, twelve or something.”
“God, was that snipe hunt really that good?” Levi grumbles. “Everyone always talks about it, but the way Erwin described it made it sound unbelievably lame.”
“I think,” Bertholdt cocks his head, considering, “that...well, we knew it was fake. We did. Obviously there's no such thing as a snipe, I think Erwin's snipe was some kind of poisonous lizard, but it doesn't really matter. It's fun. It's like watching a movie, you know? You know it's not real, but you still want to know what happens.”
That...actually makes a lot of sense. “Huh,” Levi nods, casting a critical glance at his campers. “I hadn't really thought about it that way.”
“You're still kind of new,” Bertholdt says, blushing when Levi gives him a sharp look. “Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Snipe hunts are a Camp Rose tradition, is all I meant.”
Levi narrows his eyes. “I see.”
“I'm just gonna.” Bertholdt jerks his thumb over his shoulder, and turns around. “Whoa! Nice block, Mikasa! Can you actually show me that again?”
At dinner, Director Pixis, with his hand wrapped in a bandage that looks suspiciously like toilet paper, makes a grave announcement about the snipe spotted on camp grounds, and the courageousness of Cabin 104, risking life and limb to capture the snipe and deliver the camp from its reign of terror. “Led by the illustrious Corporal Levi, our very own Special Forces Snipe Hunter” he adds, and Levi wonders if he is ever going to live this shit down.
A loaded look Erwin shoots his way from the staff table tells him, no, he probably won't, but that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing.