Work Text:
there were times when tony needed his space, needed to recollect himself, find his inner peace, and slide the masks firmly into places. there were times when breathing seemed harder and existing almost seemed tiring and it was those points in time tony knew that it'd be best to retreat. he'd bury himself in the depths of his labs; hands and mind deep into something new and those worries would slowly, very slowly ebb into nothingness. whether it took two days or a week, he needed this and needed it badly...he needed it so he could breathe again.
when the avengers moved in, tony assumed that seeing as they knew how he was as an engineer (because let's be real, no one but rhodey, pepper, jarvis, the bots, and himself know who and what he is behind the masks and walls he has built and he'll be damned if he allows these people any closer than need by until they've proven themselves) that they would have known that sometimes he retreats and he disappears for hours and days and sometimes a week or so on end. he assumed that someone would notice that sometimes when he'd disappear, he'd seem a little a off-kilter and just a little cracked, but his reappearance would reveal the relaxation in his posture and his actions. but really, he should have bloody well known...
because here's how it starts. he fucked up. he knows this and as much as he hates fucking up, he knows it can't be helped. he knows that where he is currently is not where he wants to be and if he wants to stop fucking up he needs to know when to let himself be. but he's not ready, not ready to face himself and allow himself to submerge as deep and properly as he should and as he watched pepper walk away from him, he wished he could reach out for her and tell her, "no!" but it wouldn't have changed anything. it would've been decent at best for a few weeks at most and then he'd be consumed by insecurities and nightmares and he'd run (because he's so good at run, run, running away).
so there's how it happened. he watched her go and he swallowed down the taste of bile and self-hatred cause his mind wasn't fully there yet, he wasn't in self-destruct yet and if he managed to make it down to his solace in time, he'd be able to breathe. so he made his way down to the lab, not one sparing a glance to the other avengers lounging around in the living room as he stepped into the elevator and let the doors shut behind him.
and so he's been down here for god knows how long, but the last time he checked (or well, had jarvis tell him), he'd been at three days, four hours, and twenty-five minutes. but that didn't matter because the emptiness wasn't ebbing and his self-destruction had been replaced with numbing pain; his chest tightened and his throat felt raw and were those tears forming in his eyes until it become nothing but simple numbness. it wasn't ebbing, it wasn't becoming greater, it simply was. and so he continued to work.
here's when it really happens. he's been down her for close to a week, six days, twelve hours, and thirty minutes if we're looking to be exact and he's had a few hour or two hour naps at different points in time. so he's fine...well, alright, he's not exhausted as much as he should be (but he's hurt). so when jarvis suddenly breaks his zone with ac/dc and black sabbath cycling in the background to announce, "sir, captain rogers is at the door requesting entrance." he simply tells jarvis to tell steve to piss off and let him be (but in a nicer manner, because jarvis is the embodiment of formality and properness and tony's not...he made sure of it).
it's only blissful for a few more minutes, a few more minutes where the numbness start to fade completely and he's starting to breathe again when the sound of glass breaking fills his ears and out of reflex, he raises his arms to protect himself as best as he can. he doesn't have his suit, but he's much, much more without the suit and has been for years, so if this is an intruder he can stand his ground for at least sometime. but imagine his surprise when he lowers his arms to look at his intruder and sees good 'ole american apple pie with his blonde hair and blue eyes glaring him down.
he's really not surprised...but god is he angry.
and he gives himself a moment, a brief moment to go though his mind and logically find reasons as to why steve fucking rogers thought that it was a fantastic fucking idea to destroy his lab. so when he comes up with none in that split instant, his gaze ices over and his tone matches the iciness that seep from his eyes and soon, even steve finds himself almost cowering away from the intense gaze.
"get out of my lab, rogers. now. i will be up shortly since that's so fucking important to you all and when i get up there tell the others that we should all have a lovely moment of bonding."
he doesn't give steve any time to answwer him before he's turning to his screens and pulling up a new file. since his lab is in a state of extreme disarray, he might as well start tallying up and making a list of everything that needs to be fixed or replaced and by the time he's done, it's another hour and he's still just as livid. so when he steps off the elevator and towards the living room, his steps silent, his face blank, and that iciness in his eyes still as bright as before, his feels the air tense around him.
he sits down in a loveseat and inhales once before leaning forward and exhaling deeply.
"allow me to make this very, very clear to you five because i don't think you truly understand. my lab is my solace. it is the one place where i feel the most comfortable, the most in my zone, and the most content. i drown myself in my work and i lock myself away for days and maybe a week. i understand your worries and that sentiment is appreciated to certain extents. to what extents is not appreciated? when you send a super soldier to retrieve me from my solace as if i need to be fucking saved. and because of this 'sentiment' of yours, i have to spend a copious amount of money and time to replace and reinforce everything that was destroyed. by the way, thanks steve. but i'm not mad about the time and money, no what i'm truly mad about. what really gets right under my skin and leaves a fire coursing through my veins is that you five have no. fucking. respect. you have no respect for me, you have no respect for jarvis whom i'm sure told you that i do not wish for visitors, but more importantly, you have no respect for a person's comfort zone. so i thank you for that, because that right there shows me exactly why i have no use for divulging trust in you people."
"i'm..."
"well, this bonding session has been lovely. we've all learned something new here and since i can't have peace where i normally find, i'm going to my room. don't bother me," he says, cutting off any words or apologies ready to uttered to him as he rises and turns to leave "and i assure you, the next time i'm dragged out of my solace in such a manner, the only thing you should be worried about is what your retribution will be. good day, team."
and as tony walked away, leaving five faces expressing different levels of embarrassment and shame (and in some aspects, respect), he closed his eyes and sighed softly
he was so exhausted.