Work Text:
Rubato
She hears him walk in and finishes the sentence she’s writing, her glasses perched on her nose. They are the only two left in the office, finishing up some paperwork while everyone else went out for lunch. She looks up to greet him, a smile on her face, but immediately turns serious when she sees the look in his eye and the tension in his gait.
"I need to ask you something" he says. He looks serious, and his tone is rough and angry, and she thinks his love for her is the only thing stopping this from turning into an all-out tirade, though over what she has no idea.
"What?" she prompts, getting up to close her other door as he closes the one he walked through. Her blinds are still drawn from an earlier meeting with DDA Hobbs, and she's thankful, because he looks like any sudden movement or loud noise might startle him.
He's standing on the spot, almost huffing, and it looks like rage, but she gets the impression that it's more like betrayal. She really doesn't know what has set him off. He had gone to his ex-wife's a few days ago to discuss his daughter's wedding plans, and has been distant with her since. She understands his need to have space, and was more than happy to grant it to him, but she thinks there's something he's not telling her, and it worries her. She sits in a chair in front of her desk, hoping to get him to sit next to her and talk.
"Andy, what is it?" she prompts again, concern colouring her tone and a frown appearing on her face as she watches him pace the floor in front of her door.
He only shakes his head, and seems to change his mind about something.
"I need to tell you something" he says instead.
"Well, are you asking or telling?"
"Both" he says.
"Okay" she drawls, now thoroughly confused.
“They're not really related... only they kind of are"
She rolls her eyes. "Andy, you're not making sense. Here, sit- talk to me. Just start at the beginning"
At her coaxing he finally stops pacing, but he still won't meet her eye, and seems to make a point of pulling the chair back and not pulling it closer again. She isn't worried that this is about them- he wouldn't talk about their relationship at work, she doesn't think, at least not directly. But something, or many things, are bothering him, and she wonders just how bad that visit to his ex's was.
"The other day at my ex-wife's-"
"Mm?"
"I, ah... well. I collapsed"
"You what?" she asks, her voice low and deliberate, her eyes wide with worry.
"I fainted, really"
"What happened? Why didn't you call me?" she questions, her voice still soft and calm, her eyes betraying her intense worry as she leans forward in her seat.
"I went to the doctor- I didn't want to worry you over nothing"
"And what did the doctor say?"
"I have high blood pressure, apparently" he says, looking thoroughly dejected, but also very annoyed. She wants to make a quip about his diet, but thinks it might not help his mood, so stays quiet. She is still worried, but he seems fine now, so she doesn't berate him further for keeping it from her.
"Okay. And what are you going to do about that?" she asks quietly, a hint of the mother underneath.
He looks at her, obviously glad to have dodged a lecture, or a screechy argument about keeping her informed. Their relationship is profound, for both of them, and little reminders of its existence keep it very real, but he's aware that there's an element of impermanence to it as well; that there are parts of their lives that are not intrinsically linked, and may never be. He knows she is as much in love with him as he is with her, but he just as surely knows that they will never be a single entity. Perhaps it's a product of age, or perhaps they are just too comfortable with the status quo to go making huge life changes now, when things are so steady. Perhaps it's something else altogether. Honestly, he doesn't much care, just so long as he doesn't lose her completely. But he loves that she's letting this remain his problem, and supporting him from the sidelines. It's enough of a blow to his ego without her doting on him.
"I don't want to go on the pills"
She sighs. "Andy, if the doctor is telling you-"
"I won't go on the damn pills" he repeats with a growl. She holds up her hands to pacify him, eyeing him and sizing him up. She isn't afraid of him; only that his mood will lead to some self-destructive implosion.
"Then what is your alternative?" she challenges.
"I'll change my diet, for one" he says. She had noticed that he was bringing sandwiches to work and cutting back on coffee. She hadn't paid it much attention; he's entitled to eat what he wants without scrutiny. But it makes sense now.
"Do you want my help?" she asks, soft but not timid. If he wants her help all he has to do is ask; she won't hold his hand like he's a child.
"I could use some pointers. You're healthier than I am"
"Okay" she nods. "I can do that. What else?"
"I need to exercise more- keep my heart healthy"
She wants to smirk and can see that he does too because they exercise just fine and plenty, but this is serious and they need to keep it serious; she won't let him brush this off as a trivial issue that he has to battle alone.
"Okay. What did you have in mind?" she asks, sitting straighter and resting her hands professionally in her lap.
"Walking, I guess. Start there"
He seems to let go of his anger more and more as he speaks to her, becoming almost embarrassed, and she imagines this is quite a shock to him; a stark reminder that he's not thirty anymore. Hell, he's not forty either. Neither of them are. She is worried for him, and hopes he doesn't start shutting her out, but he seems open enough, so she settles her hand on his arm and squeezes just enough to let him know she's by his side.
"I can come with you sometimes, if you're at my place. My neighbourhood is beautiful to walk in the evenings"
He nods, a little frown on his face, still not meeting her eye.
"I don't want you to baby me about this" he says. He seems aggressive, but she knows him well enough to recognise that it's just insecurity on his part, so she only smiles.
"I won't" she assures. "But I will support you, however you need me to"
He just nods, still thoughtful, and she remembers he had something to ask her, and gets the feeling that it has nothing to do this conversation. He turns to look out her window, a scowl on his face, and she squeezes his arm again in askance.
"Your husband" he starts, quiet and a bit contemplative. She shakes her head a little at the sudden change in topic, and almost rushes to defend herself, but figures he has a right to ask and so she just hums in the back of her throat.
"Why aren't you two divorced?"
She lets out a long breath through pursed lips, hanging her head and blinking hard. She sits back in her chair and she lets go of his arm. Her eyes squint a little, as though seeing something that’s not there and the air is suddenly bubbling with awkwardness. He’s never asked before, and she doesn’t offer much, and she knows that there was a certain safety in compartmentalising her life. But she knew this question was always going to arise, and she rues the fact that she didn’t better prepare herself for it.
"It's... complicated" she says, buying herself a moment to think of an answer that will make sense to him.
"Not really" he replies, giving her a look. "And don't tell me it's all about the religion. That's not your style"
She nods to the side, her eyes now focused out the window as she feels him turn to look at her.
"It is partly that" she says, quiet but firm, an insistence in her voice that frankly surprises him. He's never once heard of her going to church, and figures she wouldn't even be with him if she was so staunchly entrenched in her vows. But it must hold great importance to her, for whatever reason, for her to so candidly stick by her Catholicism in the face of so much doubt. He's trying to understand her marriage in comparison to his own; trying to find the point of difference. Sometimes he can't believe he'd been in love with his ex, enough to walk down the aisle with her, what with the way things have soured. He blames himself for that; blames the bottle he let himself fall into and the bitter years it took to crawl out of it again. He blames himself for the distant relationship he has with his children, though no doubt they had voices in their ears while growing up. Still, he's really trying to understand the enigma that is her husband, and this sword of Damocles that is her marriage which always seems to hang over his head. He doesn’t doubt she loves him. But sometimes, on very rare occasions, he doubts that love is enough. All this business with Nicole’s wedding is making him consider their relationship. It frightens him.
"I made a vow" she says, finding her words. "No matter how my relationship with Jack stands, I won't break it"
He looks at her, hard, and she lets him though doesn't meet his eye. She desperately hopes he understands that she wants him in her life, despite her husband; that she doesn't take adultery lightly, and wouldn't ever enter into a relationship without it meaning something. She wasn't in love with all of her previous partners, but she always cared deeply for them; she wouldn't have it any other way. She feels less guilt over technically cheating than she would over divorcing her absent spouse, and she can't explain why, but that's the reality of it.
Andy's gaze burns her cheek, and she wonders just what kind of blow this will deliver; if he can handle her honesty on top if the new stresses in his own life.
"Do you love him?" he asks.
She looks at him. His voice is hard, but not angry. He doesn't question her feelings for him, but he needs to know where he stands; he needs to know that he's not some fill-in while she waits for her husband to return from the bottle, or the chips, or whatever other addiction he's gotten himself into. His insecurity both elates her and breaks her heart; she never wanted him to doubt her love for him, and hopes that the connection between them thus far will be foundation enough.
"I will always love him, Andy" she replies tenderly, on a whisper, tilting her head with open eyes and a smile directed at him. "I married him for a reason, and we had some great years- he is the father of my children. He is still one of my oldest and dearest friends, even if we couldn't keep our marriage together. A part of me will always love him- the same part of me that can't bring myself to divorce him"
He looks away and nods, trying to offer her the level-headedness she deserves, though his blood boils at the thought of having a rival. Logically he knows that there is no competition between himself and Jackson Raydor. He can understand what she's saying about her feelings, though it hurts to not own her heart completely. But she's been nothing but honest with him and he tries to remember that as he gives her indication enough to continue.
"But I'm not in love with him, Andy. He will always be in my life, but our relationship works best when there are at least two state lines between us. I won't lie to you- I don't think I'll ever be in a place to break that connection-"
He winces, and she places her hand on his hand, and she is relieved when he turns his palm up and grasps her fingers lightly. He still won't meet her eye. He won’t let her hand go either. She thinks that if it were up to him he’d never let her hand go, though she’d never reveal that she knows him that deeply.
"But I am in love with you"
The conviction in her quiet words finally prompts him to look her in the eye, and he knows now that he has no doubts. He's suddenly sorry that he started this conversation on neutral ground in the office, because he'd like nothing more than to take her in his arms and hold her, such is the effect the look on her face has on him.
"Emotions don't come with a quota" she says with a light grin, relieved to see his shoulders relax. "Just because I care about my husband doesn't mean I can't be madly in love with you, too. It is possible to have both without compromising one for the other"
He gives her the ghost of a smile, which she returns.
"And if he comes back?" he asks. He knows Jackson used to take the spare room, but with Rusty settled in and knowing Sharon would never kick him out, there's only one other bed available, and he thinks this Jackson fellow might be audacious enough to ask for it. He seethes at the thought of another man in her bed, no matter the circumstances.
"He hasn't been to L.A in years. Not since I first started working with Major Crimes back in FID. But" she qualifies. "If he comes back, we'll deal with him then"
"Would you tell him about us?"
"If it comes up. And even then only vaguely. We're still a secret, remember?"
"Right"
His grip on her hand doesn't lessen, and she smiles at him as she watches him process this entire conversation, running his thumb absently over hers, his eyes looking back out the window.
"I love you too, you know" he says, still squinting out the window.
"I know" she hums.
"Just promise me one thing"
"Name it"
"Be honest with me. However you're feeling, I can take it, just be honest" he pleads. For all his bravado and cheek, she knows he’s just as fragile as anyone else under the surface. He’s been hurt just as much as she has, though perhaps for different reasons.
"I always am, Andy. I wouldn't have it any other way"
He nods then, and looks her in the eye again. She squeezes his hand tight, because despite the closed blinds the door isn't locked and she won't compromise. He squeezes back and gives her a look that sends butterflies through her chest.
"Why don't you come over tonight? I'll run through some basics with you that will help with your new diet"
"Sure" he says with a nod and a smile. She is quietly elated that the distance he’s been putting between them seems to be over.
"Good"
They stand, still looking at each other and smiling, and reluctantly drop their hands. Lunch break is over halfway finished, but they both brought a packed lunch today, so he silently gestures to her door and towards the break room. The rest of the squad is still out, so there's silence in the corridor besides their footfalls, and she smiles when she feels his hand on the small of her back, ushering her inside ahead of him.
She doesn't think this will be enough to hurt them. She's worried for his heart, of course, but knows they've caught it in time to do something. She's not worried about her husband being a continued presence in their relationship. She can't explain herself any better, but Andy seems to understand where she's coming from, or at least accepts it. She always knew that would be hard for him, but she also knew that their love and respect was strong enough to handle it. She smiles when he collects both of their lunches from the fridge and they settle at a table, facing each other as they unwrap and prepare their food.
"I used to class these as dates" he says to her with a grin, picking up his sandwich.
"What?" she asks around her food, a smile playing on her face as she chews her mouthful.
"Back before we started- when we'd have lunch here together, I used to class them as dates"
She chuckles at him, her eyes wide. "Is this back when you were madly in love with me and I kept denying you?" she teases, taking another bite.
"When all I saw was a nice rack and two sexy pins to die for" he returns, smirking at her as he raises one eyebrow, subtly eyeing the cleavage of her blouse. She blushes slightly, but retains her smirk.
"Really" she drawls.
"Really"
"So are they still dates now?" she asks with a grin.
"Sure. Why not"
She only hums, and proceeds to eat her lunch, and he just grins at her and does the same. They'll be fine, he thinks. They're grown up enough to know what they want, and in love enough to hold on tight. They'll see this out, warts and all. It takes him a moment to realise that the stone that had settled in his stomach is gone, and the tension he felt in the base of his skull had alleviated, and as he takes a sip of some herbal tea he really doesn't like, he realises that she did that. She brought this calm.
And god, isn't he just a goner now.