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"Do you know why I like you so much?"
"Hm?"
"Because you are never afraid."
Hikaru rolled over to face Pavel and flicked his nose. "I'm always afraid."
"You always seem so calm."
"I'm a Starfleet officer; I have to remain calm."
Pavel seemed to consider this for a while, and when Hikaru thought the silence meant sleep, he rolled over again.
"What are you afraid of?"
Hikaru sighed and turn over again. "Falling asleep at the helm tomorrow because I stayed up all night talking to you." He wasn't being malicious; Pavel could tell this was just light-hearted joking, so he giggled and snuggled into Hikaru's space.
"What are you really afraid of?"
"Well," Hikaru exhaled loudly, "I'm afraid I won't be able to perform as the captain needs me to in a time of crisis. I'm afraid of losing my family. I'm afriaid of losing you."
Pavel said, "I am always very scared but I try not to show it. How do you hide it so well?"
Hikaru wrapped an arm around Pavel and rubbed their noses together. "I remind myself that I made it through everything else, so I can handle whatever it is too."
"You're so brave."
"I'm not brave for doing my job. If anything, I'm just a soldier. Soldiers constantly go into dangerous environments and risk their lives without question. They're not allowed to be afraid, not allowed to die without permission."
"Do you wish you had gone into the military instead?"
Hikaru's stomach turned at the memory of talking to the recruiters and how close he had been to signing up with the Air Force. "I used to when I realized how little action I would see in Starfleet, but now I wish I had because it's way too much action for me out here."
"I am glad you came to Starfleet. You taught me to be a better officer."
"Kirk could have done that. I'm not special."
"Nyet," Pavel whispered, pressing a kiss against Hikaru's chin. "You are the most special person on this ship."
Hikaru snorted. "In your eyes."
"My eyes are the only ones that should matter to you," Pavel grumbled, but the rest of his protests were cut off by Hikaru's kiss, silencing him finally so that he could get some sleep.
Hikaru has never been too scared to his job properly, but if asked to do something that is not his job, the odds of his success drop exponentially.
Hikaru trained himself for a battlefield and a life of taking orders and doing a few specific tasks - medic was never one of them.
Pavel falls into some bushes on the planet they're surveying and immediately breaks into anaphylactic shock. Hikaru has only seen this a few times, usually Kirk, but McCoy was always right there with a few hypos and some harsh words.
Now, Hikaru would give anything just to be able to see Pavel's eyes again, swollen shut.
The bush is something he only briefly studied at the academy - it's green with orange and red flowers, the leaves waxy with poison. He forgets what it is, but he tries to remember the antidote and if it's something he can synthesize with the little equipment he has. The antidote is supposed to be the nectar of the flower itself, but it would take a lot just to have enough to reduce the swelling.
"I need a medical team at my coordinates," Hikaru yells into the comm hysterically, feeling his last reigns of control begin to slip. He squeezes Pavel's hand and begs him to just hold on a little longer. Pavel nods numbly, still struggling to breathe, and Hikaru pales at the sight of his skin turning blue. Desperate, Hikaru slips on rubber gloves and grabs a few flowers from the bush, pulls the stamen, and grinds the petals to extract the sickeningly sweet nectar. Carefully, Hikaru rubs what little nectar he could gather on his finger tip and slips it into Pavel's mouth, praying that any little bit would at least stabilize him.
Pavel's muscles seize up, and Hikaru pulls his finger away before the jaws clench. Pavel's body twitches a few more times before stilling, and Hikaru's heart stops.
"Pavel?" He pleads, tears streaming down his face. "Pavel!" He yells, oblivious to the sound of help finally arriving. He doesn't register Kirk pulling him and holding him back while the medical team try to resucitate Pavel. He doesn't remember Kirk telling him to calm down, or replying that he can't because he killed Pavel.
Later, McCoy will tell him that he performed admirably and did what anyone would have done in the situation. You were right to try to use the antidote; it's just too bad the kid was allergic to the entire plant.
Hikaru can't look at himself in the mirror. He throws away all of his plants, because what's the point of being a botanist if you can't even save someone from some dumb flowers?
Officer Darwin gives him sympathetic looks from time to time, clearly guilty that she's replacing Pavel again, and now permanently. Hikaru can't even be mad at her, just smiles and nods before returning to work.
The only up side to everything, in Hikaru's opinion, is knowing he will never again be afraid in his life; Klingons have attacked his family, he has fought Romulans and fallen to his assured death, he has flown straight into battle and fought against Starfleet and the enemy. Now he's lost Pavel, the one person who believed in him and trusted him the most.
There's no one else to keep up impressions for, no one else to set an example for.
If he could go back, Hikaru would tell Pavel that he's afraid of losing. Losing fights, losing rank...
Losing you.