Chapter Text
I don't know what say. I'm sure you can imagine how shocked I was to get your letter, probably as shocked as you'll be to get mine. You're not weak, Logan, fear doesn't make you weak and sometimes walking away takes more courage than staying.
Yeah, you're on my bike, and I didn't know you had a tail but that's one lucky appendage. Sorry, just trying to break up the tension a little, I shouldn't have wrote that. I'd start over but this is about the hundredth time I have and … well I'm not going to again.
I always seem to get stuck right about here. I… I'm just going to move past this point and try to respond to the rest of your letter. I think you'll get the point.
"Perfect face and perfect smile". No, you should see me without the glasses, they really do something for my face, namely hide half of it. I will admit I have a pretty good smile but it's not perfect, not by far. "Perfect clothes" bought by the professor. "Perfect manners" you might have me there but it only comes from fear, fear of rejection. "Perfect image" perfect illusion. "Perfect girlfriend" that she is … or rather was. "Perfect life" perfect LIE. Is that really how you see me? Guess I did a better job than I thought cause I was sure that you saw right through it all.
You were pretty convincing. I guess that's why I was so shocked to receive your letter. I really thought you couldn't stand me. I … I know how you felt. The first time I saw you lying on the hood of your truck, unconscious I… Shit, I don't know, I don't know what it was but it was … powerful. I'm sure you've felt it before, probably even stronger, you just don't remember.
Oh God, Logan, you don't know how much I … wanted that too. I still do.
Are you kidding me? You're the hottest man I've ever seen! You have no idea how appealing 'rugged' is. And, just for the record, I like your smile, it's mischievous and mysterious and damn sexy. It's not like you had the opportunities that the rest of us had, you've been on your own for a long time. There's nothing wrong with the way you dress or your manners or your image, it's just who you are. I wish I could be as straightforward as you are. I wish I could get away with speaking my mind the way you do and not have to keep it all bottled up inside, playing the part of some … "perfect" and fearless leader. It's bullshit! You're not alone, Logan, at least you don't have to be. You haven't found anything regarding you past yet? I thought the professor had a good lead? Shit, sorry, none of my business, right? Hey, you know, rough can be fun ... uh good, especially in our line of work but its not how you are, not really. You care, Logan, maybe you don't want to but you do. I saw you with Rogue, on the Statue of Liberty. It was more than just keeping a promise to protect her, you care about her; you were tender with her in a way that I … mistakenly thought was beyond you. Never judge a book by its cover, right? "Abrasive" its all an act, Logan, we both know that. Believe me, I've been there, don't let anyone close and you can't be hurt, right? And we're all flawed, Logan, contrary to what you said before, even me. Hell, I have more than my share.
If you ask me you are the perfect one; free and unfettered. You don't have to care what people think about you. You can be yourself and don't have to hide behind a mask, or a pair of ruby-red glasses. You can go where you want, when you want to go. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself, be responsible for anyone but yourself. I may have the smile but you've got the body. Do you have any idea how … PERFECT your chest is? Shit, *I* almost swooned the first time I saw it! Not to mention your… Uh, never mind.
Again I'm at a loss for words. I guess… Well you weren't the only lying awake night after night. What it really was, was I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that you wanted Jean. I didn't know, Logan, but I hoped, I prayed that it was all just a show, that I didn't imagine that … spark I saw in your eyes that first day in the professor's office. You know that was the first time in my life that I was really grateful to have to wear these damn glasses, if I hadn't been, you would have seen everything. Oh, you noticed that, did you? Well that's not smarts, that's fear. Fear of rejection and scorn … fear for my life if I was wrong about what I thought I knew. That last part is just a joke, by the way, so don't take it seriously okay. Well it's nice to know that I was more successful than I thought I was. I was so sure that I wasn't fooling you at all, that you knew exactly what I was thinking, how I was feeling and what I really wanted.
Damn, I wish… I'm sorry now that I hid it so well. Maybe … maybe if I was better at reading people, had more confidence in my ability anyway, I could have found the courage to … I don't know, let you in, let you see, let you know. Maybe you'd still be here then and I wouldn't feel so … lost, incomplete, like something I'd been missing all my life came for a brief moment and then disappeared.
There is no shame in needing, Logan, we all need. Before you did … something you'd regret? Like what? Never mind you don't have to answer that. Yeah, I know that he offered you a car but I wanted you to take my bike. You don't think I usually leave her outside, that close to the front door, with the keys in the ignition. I wanted you to have her. I wanted to know that wherever you were, there was a piece of me with you. Thanks, I'm glad to hear she's performing well for you, I spent a lot of time on her. She was my baby.
I don't why I'm writing this either, no that's not true, I do know, I'm just too afraid to tell you, even now. It wasn't easy tracking you down, you know, but I have. I wouldn't be sending this if I didn't know you'd get it. I guess I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you too, that I still lay awake at night thinking about you, dreaming … about you. We both have to face it, Logan; it's not just you. I don't know if that helps, or makes any kind of difference at all but I … well I wanted you to know.
There's been a lot of changes since you left, Logan, so "Xavier's happy little family" as you put it, isn't quite so happy anymore. And just so you know, I'm NOT glad you left, I'll never be glad that you left. This doesn't have to be goodbye, Logan. You could come back. You CAN come home. I'll watch over Rogue until you work it out, until you get back. She is a great kid, well she's not really a kid anymore, and she's making a wonderful addition to the team too. Just for the record, Logan, she doesn't need "someone" she needs YOU! The team needs you. I need… I hope you change your mind and come home. Until you do I'll take care of us both; you take care of yourself too. I might not be there to save your ass next time. Well, I guess I've written a long enough book here, you're probably sorry you decided to write. I'm glad you did though. Thank you for giving me the opportunity … and courage to tell you some of what I've been thinking … and feeling. I really hope you're doing all right, Logan, and I hope… I hope you'll change your mind about returning. Take care, okay? I hate the thought of you up there all alone, not that I don't think you're more than capable of taking care of yourself. Anyway, I'm just babbling now … I guess because I don't want to say goodbye. I do want to get this in the mail though so I'm going to close now. Be careful and … I'm thinking about you.
Sincerely,
Scott