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The photo under the headline makes Piko choke on his instant noodles.
He stares at the screen, trying to make sense of what is displayed on the news website’s front page. Under the assumption he’s hallucinating, the albino sets his phone face down and takes a moment to finish his noodles and collect himself. Once the cup is empty, Piko turns his device back on…
…only to see that cursed page again.
LOCAL 15-YEAR-OLD IN MERIDIAN CHARGED WITH FIRST-DEGREE MURDER
Right below this bold statement is a photo of a squad of cops pushing a blonde teenager into a police car. A teenager with a very familiar hairstyle and a very familiar hoodie.
As if that’s not enough evidence to identify the perpetrator, the contents of the article itself slam the nail in the coffin.
…Kagamine (15) has been arrested this morning at 8:52 AM…
What the hell.
Without wasting a second, Piko stands up and yells, “MIKI! GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE!”
In response, he gets an affronted groan. “Did you get your finger stuck in the Kewpie mayo bottle again?”
“That was one time! And no, this has nothing to do with me! Len’s been arrested!”
“What?!”
Within seconds, Miki thunders down the stairs, eyes wide with incredulity. Wordlessly, a pale Piko passes his phone to his sister.
“Kagamine has been arrested… charged with first-degree murder…?” She stares at the screen in disbelief. “Are you sure they’re talking about our friend? There could be another Kagamine who lives in Meridian!”
“Do you know any other blonde Kagamines who are fifteen and own the same jacket the suspect is wearing?” Piko retorts.
“Well, no, but–”
On cue, the phone rings. Miki curses upon seeing the caller ID. “It’s Fukase.” She returns the albino’s phone to him. “I have a feeling he wants you to hop on League or something.”
Piko groans and accepts the call. “What–”
Before he could ask what the redhead wants from him, Fukase burst into manic laughter.
Piko and Miki exchange concerned looks.
Clearing his throat, Piko barks a stern, “Hello?”
“O-oh my God, P-P-Piko, have you–” He breaks off in another laughing fit.
“Have I what?”
“T-t-the news! Len–!”
Now, this is far from the reaction one would have if they were to learn that one of their closest friends is charged with murder. However, when it comes to the scarlet hellspawn, such inappropriate behaviour is the norm.
“This isn’t funny,” Piko says over Fukase’s cackling. “Our friend has been arrested.”
“I-I know! But this is Len we’re talking about! The boy w-who cried when he dropped his sandwich in the sewer drain last week!”
Miki clears her throat. “Remember that time when some guy made fun of Len’s height in freshman year?”
At that, Fukase stops laughing. “Oh, right." Piko hears him shudder, probably because of that extremely traumatising memory. "But come on–Len Kagamine committing murder? He’d apologise to the victim! Oh, wait–” Piko hears the redhead moving, followed by the sound of the door opening. “Flower, did you–?”
“Yes! Our little pookie bear grew up!”
Miki buries her face in her hands. “And there’s the second idiot.”
Piko nods with a grimace. Which of their two dumbass friends has the brain cell at the moment? He can’t tell.
“Huh, is that Piko on the phone with you?” Flower’s muffled voice chimes.
“Yep! You wanna talk to him?”
“Give me that! Piko, did you hear–”
“That Len’s been arrested?” the albino asks, deadpan.
“Yes! This has to be the funniest possible timeline!”
“Wait, why do you think he did it anyway?” Fukase asks through giggles. “Did someone steal his banana bread?”
“No, even better–they tore his copy of Crime and Punishment!”
“Holy s-shit, that’s perfect!”
In unison, Piko and Miki shriek, “WHY ARE YOU BOTH LIKE THIS?!”
A few days have passed, and the quartet are jammed in Flower’s L-shaped couch on a Sunday morning in anticipation. The chaotic enby’s living room is fully converted into the Trial Watch Headquarters™.
The lights are dimmed. The massive television is playing commercials with a spinning timer in the bottom-left corner. The vibes are… weirdly misaligned.
Piko is sitting ramrod straight like he’s about to attend a funeral. Miki is stress-biting her nails.
Flower and Fukase share a giant bowl of popcorn, along with a plate of nachos and potato skins on the coffee table.
“I bet you ten bucks he’s gonna plead guilty in five minutes flat,” Fukase says around a mouthful of buttery goodness.
“I bet you twenty he’ll start sobbing in two,” Flower fires back with a snort.
Piko fixes the two with a tired gaze. “Why are you guys treating this like the Super Bowl?”
Flower gives an offended gasp. “How dare you compare this upcoming cinematic masterpiece to a mere football game?”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our best friend is on trial,” Miki says weakly. “He could go to prison for this.”
Fukase frowns as though he is genuinely considering her words. Then, he stands up and declares, “I’m gonna get some Coke.”
Piko slowly drags a hand down his face.
Finally, after twenty minutes of waiting, the courtroom feed flickers to life. The screen alternates between showing the jury, lawyers, and security guards.
Then, it settles on a certain someone at the defendant’s table.
Len is sitting there looking like he would very much like to evaporate. His hands are chained together, and two guards stand on each side of him.
Flower clicks their tongue. “Damn, bro looks like he’s going through it.”
Piko stares at them, unimpressed. “Need I remind you he’s on trial?”
“You’ve said at least seven times today,” Fukase chirps.
“Maybe I wouldn’t have to if two boneheads didn’t keep forgetting that–!”
“Good evening,” the judge says wearily. “I would like for the record to show that I have absolutely no idea what this trial is about. I just woke up.”
Flower snickers. “Mood.”
Piko elbows them.
The defence attorney stands. “Your Honour, members of the jury, my name is Longya Yuezheng, representing Mr Kagamine in this case.”
Len’s mom clears her throat. “Excuse me, Mr Longya, but–”
The judge slams his gavel. “Order!”
Fukase fails to disguise his chuckle as a cough.
“Anyways, Your Honour,” Longya steps from behind his stand, hands behind his back, “frankly, this case is absurd. My client, might I add, a minor, is being wrongfully accused of committing a serious offence.”
The prosecutor raises an eyebrow. “Your Honour, if I may.”
The judge, who looks like he’d rather be anywhere but in that courtroom, gestures at the violet-haired man to continue. Longya casts the prosecutor a sharp glare.
“I must disclose that Mr Yuezheng’s statement is factually incorrect. The defendant has killed an innocent person.”
There is a beat of silence in Flower’s living room.
Then, Fukase and Flower lose it. In a blink, they’re gone; Fukase is struggling to breathe while Flower slides off the couch.
Miki looks like she’s about to pass away from second-hand embarrassment.
“That’s my boy!” Fukase cheers through laughter.
Piko smacks him with a pillow. “Stop encouraging him!”
On screen, Longya shakes his head. “Mr Kamui, with all due respect, I–”
“THAT BRAT KILLED OUR DAUGHTER!”
Len’s parents are on their feet, absolutely hysterical.
“Her blood is on that–that–” Len’s mother gasps for breath and points at her son. “That thing’s hands!”
The courtroom erupts. Members of the jury chatter among themselves, Gakupo gives Longya a smug grin, and the judge wipes the sweat off his brow with a towel.
At that accusation, Flower and Fukase’s laughter comes to a halt. They look at each other in utter bafflement.
“Len doesn’t have a sister,” Flower narrows their gaze, “does he?”
Fukase shakes his head. “I’ve known him ever since we were in elementary school. Unless his folks have been hiding this sibling in the basement, Len’s an only child.”
Piko taps his chin, deep in thought. “Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on–”
Len’s father screams through his sobs, “We raised Rin and look how she repays us–!”
A loud slam rings through the courtroom.
The room stills, and the camera pans to a furious Len.
“FOR THE LAST TIME,” the blonde shouts at the top of his lungs, voice cracking, “I DIDN’T KILL ANYONE!”
Dozens of eyes, the size of dinner plates, watch in silence.
Len’s shaking hands grip the edge of the table. “You two refuse to accept I’m your SON! I came out two years ago, and you’re acting like I committed a crime just by existing!”
Silence fills the living room.
They did not, Piko thinks in shock. Those low lives did not hand him over to the cops because he’s trans… right?
Wait, no; these are Len’s parents. Of course, these queerphobic hags would pull this shit.
Under her breath, Miki says, “I’m going to kill them.”
“Not if I get to them first,” Fukase whispers.
Flower suddenly stands up. “Wait, by that logic…”
Fukase’s expression is overcome with realisation.
They slowly face each other again.
“...we’re murderers too!”
Miki facepalms so hard it echoes. Piko looks at the ceiling like he’s asking for strength.
The jury stares at Len, at a loss. They turn their gaze to the judge, silently begging for some guidance.
Len wipes harshly at his eyes. “You guys go on and on about how much of a “good girl” I was, but you never knew that girl used to c-cry herself to sleep every night! You never a-acknowledged her dreams or aspirations! You’d rather pretend I’m dead t-than–”! He breaks off in a sob.
A guard silently offers the blonde a tissue, and the other rubs circles into his back. Len blows his nose and hiccups.
“Yeah, I’m killing them,” Miki mutters. “I knew his parents sucked, but not to this extent.”
“Let me know when you do,” Flower, who quit their tomfoolery, says gravely, “because I’m gonna make them beg for a quick death.”
The judge pinches his nose. “Wait.”
Gakupo blinks, snapping back to the present. “Wait.”
“This,” the judge says slowly, “is why we’re here?”
“If you’re referring to my client’s transphobic parents’ erratic ideas,” Longya spreads his hands, “then yes, Your Honour.”
The judge stares into the middle distance for a full five seconds.
“...why are we wasting taxpayer dollars on this?”
Gakupo, who looks like his soul has left his body, mutters, “I thought this was an actual homicide case.”
From the gallery, someone coughs.
“Erratic ideas?!” Len’s infuriated mother repeats. “She’s the one who–”
“Order in the court,” the judge says, lamely tapping his gavel.
There is a long, uncomfortable pause before the judge follows up with, “How did this kid even get arrested over his gender identity?”
The bailiff quietly says, “Your Honour, we’re in Idaho.”
“Elaborate.”
“We’ve got a Conservative police force.”
The judge slumps back in his seat. “I need a raise.”
A jury member smirks. “Good thing this is the Woke District Court!”
After another fifteen minutes of trying to wrap up this trial (read: fifteen minutes of telling Len’s folks to shut the fuck up), the judge slams his gavel.
“The court finds Len Kagamine–” he sighs deeply, “–not guilty.”
Cheers erupt from Flower’s living room and the courtroom.
Miki is crying tears of relief. Piko looks like he has aged ten years, but is happy nevertheless.
“Furthermore,” the judge glares daggers at the two freaks with the mental maturity of toddlers, “this court is opening an investigation into the parents for potential child abuse.”
Len’s father gasps dramatically. “Excuse me–”
“Cuff them.”
Guards hike up the box, slam handcuffs around Len’s screaming parents and lead them out of the courtroom, while the guards who had been babysitting– er, keeping an eye on the defendant unlock his own handcuffs.
Len looks stunned.
Then, he breaks into a grin, and happy tears trail down his face.
Piko’s heart swells. His friend must be experiencing a myriad of emotions–peace, relief, closure, and oodles of joy.
“Happy ending?” Flower asks with a proud smile.
Fukase high-fives them.
Phew, now they could get their overdue homework with and make preparations for Len’s return–
“I can’t believe I survived a trial! Now all I gotta do is pray that no one finds out about the time I pushed someone in front of a moving train while reading–”
The courtroom freezes.
Flower’s living room freezes.
Len freezes.
His eyes widen in horror as he remembers there’s a microphone right in front of his face.
“...that was in Roblox,” he says very fast.
The silence lingers in both locations. Gakupo’s jaw hangs open, unable to fathom the verbal confession.
Then, out of the blue, Fukase jumps to his feet and exclaims, “THAT’S MY BOY!”
WHACK.
Piko launches the remote directly at his head, knocking him out cold. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”
On the television, the judge buries his face in his hands.
“It’s 9:57 in the morning,” he says hollowly. “I need a beer.”