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The first time she mentioned something was off to her dad, his response was exactly what she envisioned it would be. He simply stared at her, told her she was overthinking it and confused. Even told her that she was wrong. Blamed it on having nothing but male friends growing up. Blamed it on not having her mother around. Then went along their day like nothing ever happened and she never brought it up.
That was almost 15 years ago. Long before he died and left her alone.
She remembered back to the first time she cut all of her hair off. The woman at the shop looked at her like she had two heads, but she was adamant. The first time was cut up above her shoulders. She wasn't brave enough, then, to do more. Even though it was what she had wanted at the time.
She remembered the first time her then boyfriend Cloud saw it. He was shocked but he didn't hate it. That simple act gave her more courage to finish cutting it off the next time she went to the shop. The short hair gave her a comfort that she never felt before. He never once complained about her short hair, or anything about her.
Even when she started to change her clothes.
Even when she started to steal more of his clothing to wear it.
Even wearing his clothing outside. Even when she bought her own 'men's' clothing. He was always there.
She tried to tell him then, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't stay with her if that were the case. He wasn't gay, but he'd support her.
After that, she bottled it back up all over again. She remained friends with Cloud. They talked all the time and saw each other often. He never brought it up to her again just like she never brought it up to him. She, in a way, was thankful to have such a strong male friend in her life, even if things didn't work out romantically.
She did still love him, but after all the years that passed, it wasn't romantically anymore. That was okay with her.
She was a happily married woman now. She couldn't imagine her life without Aerith in it. She met her completely on accident. She had decided, on a whim, to stop at a florist's shop on her way home from work one day. She wanted something to brighten her apartment.
Aerith was the one working.
Now, a little over five years since that fateful meeting, she was very happily married.
Except for one thing that constantly crept up in her mind.
It seemed to happen more often than not anymore. Over the years, she'd gotten good at brushing it off. Simply wearing 'men's' clothing and keeping her hair short had been enough. But deep down, she wanted more. She knew she wanted more than just the appearance.
But she refused to risk losing her amazing wife over it. She she kept it bottled up inside, allowing it to chip away at her inner being piece by piece, day by day.
She remembered the first time she did this. The first time she stood in front of her mirror in her bedroom and bound her own chest…
That first time was awful. The bandages kept rolling each time she attempted to move. They pinched and dug into her skin. They made it hard to breathe.
Yet…
The reality of having a mostly flat chest when she put her shirt back on gave her relief. She felt good just looking at herself like that.
It was something that always stayed in private.
That first time, even as she stared at herself now, was years ago. Long before she ever got with Aerith, but it was happening more and more lately. Almost every time she knew she'd be alone for a few hours, she found herself in this position. Her wife was out shopping and she knew those trips usually kept her out for hours on end. She could be comfortable during that time.
"It's not tight enough," she muttered to herself before she sighed softly.
Releasing the fabric bandage from near her ribs, she unraveled it a few times and pulled it even tighter. She hated the size of her chest. She hated that she inherited that from her mother.
She missed her mother. What would she say to all of this? Would she still love her no matter what?
Tifa hung her head for just a moment, pushing those thoughts from her head. Surely her parents would have hated her and left her, or told her she was crazy for even thinking about any of this.
She was a woman. She was born a woman. Women didn't do this.
And yet there she was, tightening the bandages around her chest. Anything to try to hide her breasts.
Satisfied with her newly bandaged chest, she turned to grab her shirt. Just a simple t-shirt that she'd been wearing that day. But the shirt wasn't sitting on the chair near her dresser anymore. It was in her wife's hands.
"Ae…" Tifa felt like she couldn't breath.
"How long?"
Tifa couldn't figure out that tone. They'd been married for nearly 3 years now and she couldn't remember a single time that she heard that tone in her wife's voice.
"I…"
"Tifa… how long?" She asked as she took a step towards her.
The raven haired woman looked down immediately, finding a tiny stain on the carpet from spilt wine last year. She couldn't look at the woman in front of her. She wanted to flee, but if she did, she'd crash into Aerith and hurt her. That was the last thing that she wanted to do.
"W-When did you get home?"
"Just now, I got to the store and realized I forgot my wallet… but don't change the subject."
There wasn't any malice in her voice. Nothing that she could pick up anyway, but she still couldn't bring herself to look at her.
Tifa shook her head and felt the urge to flee completely take over. "I… I can't." She was surprised that she could even speak. She took a step to the side, trying to get around her wife.
But her wrist was grabbed.
"That bandage is too tight. How can you breathe?"
"What?" She stood there dumbfounded but Aerith's simple statement. Even the question threw her off.
"Sit down for a minute."
She did so without a word. She still couldn't bring herself to look at Aerith. Her darkest shame had come to light and she still couldn't tear into just how her wife was responding to it. She sat down at the foot of their bed, her face flinching. The bandages was too tight. It dug into her sides and each breath hurt.
Off to her right side, she heard the dresser drawer slide open. She could hear Aerith mutter something to herself, but she couldn't pick up what she was saying.
If Aerith hated her now, why didn't she just say it? She never censored herself in the past, why would she start now?
"Stand up for me."
Tifa hadn't even heard the footsteps coming back towards her. "Can we just pretend this didn't happen?" She whispered.
Then her chin was grabbed and she was forced to look at her wife. Aerith was smiling. That encouraging smile she always gave her when something didn't go her way.
"No, I'm not going to let you hide from me, Tifa."
Her eyes darted away from her. Even if she was facing her, she couldn't look at her. "I can't lose you," she whispered. She wasn't even sure Aerith heard her.
"Who said anything about losing me?"
"W-What…"
Her eyes finally drifted back to her wife. She saw her smile. That warm smile that always relaxed her when she was stressed. It always made her feel better when she was sick or sad.
"How long?" She asked again as her hands moved down to rest on her waist.
Tifa breathed out heavily. She felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest. She needed to rewind the entire day. She wished she could change the fact that she decided to get the bandages out today. She wished that Aerith had remembered her wallet for her shopping trip.
She felt her wife's head gently rest against her shoulder. Feeling her so close to her and feeling her arms slowly wrap around her waist, it was all too much for her. She let out a cracked sob. How long had it been in the back of her mind.
She was 16 when she made comments to her dad about it. She was 22 when she brought it up to Cloud that first time. And now, at 30, she was crying into her wife's neck.
"Fif… fifteen years?" She whispered. It had been at least that long. She knew that's when things finally started to make sense for her.
Half of her life.
Half of her life she'd been pushing these feelings down. Locking them into the back of her mind because she was scared that nobody would accept her.
"Okay." Aerith's soft voice put her on edge again.
She felt the woman's hands move up to her rib cage, then the bandage from her side was released. She felt like she could breathe again. But she was terrified. Aerith was taking her bandage off and she wasn't saying anything else.
"You hate me now, don't you?" Tifa whispered.
Her hands stopped moving and Tifa was sure it was over. But she wasn't stepping away from her. She didn't slap her. She didn't yell at her. All she heard was a sigh.
"The only thing I hate is that you kept this to yourself and you didn't feel like you could trust me enough to tell me." She picked up a bit of hurt in Aerith's voice.
How could she tell her this though? They never talked about anything like this. She couldn't remember ever seeing a character like her in any show or movie they watched. She had no way of knowing how she would react.
"I didn't know how," she whispered. Tifa's head drifted off to the side again, finding anywhere and everywhere to look that wasn't into her wife's eyes.
But Aerith wasn't having it.
Her chin was gripped again and she was redirected to look back at her. "Tifa, that's a long time for it to weigh on you and I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression that you couldn't approach me and—"
"—I can't lose you." She interrupted her.
"Let me finish." Aerith told her a little more firmly. When Tifa didn't say anything else, she continued. "I'm sorry if I ever gave you that impression and I want you to know that I'm here. I love you, Tifa." She leaned up and pressed her lips against hers.
"Even like this?"
"Yes, even like this." Aerith took a small step back so she could grab the bandage again. "I wish you would have told me… does anybody know?"
She took a deep breath. All of this was surreal. Aerith was taking her time unwrapping the bandages from her chest. When she looked at her, that was when she realized she had something draped over her shoulder. None of this made sense. Aerith didn't hate her. Aerith wasn't telling her to leave. She wasn't asking for a divorce. She wasn't calling her crazy.
She was still there.
"You're not leaving?" Tifa asked shyly.
"No. I'm not." Aerith finally freed the end of the bandage and allowed it to drop to the floor. She couldn't help herself as she gave her wife's topless body an appreciative hum. "You're beautiful."
Tifa's eyes darted to the side. "…yeah…" she whispered.
Aerith hummed softly, Tifa heard it. But she didn't say anything. She reached up and pulled the item of clothing off of her shoulder. "This will probably be tight on you because it's tight on me, but it helps suck everything in."
Shape wear. It was one of Aerith's shape wear pieces that she wore when they got dressed up to go out to dinner. "What's this for?"
"It will probably be easier to breathe with this than those bandages."
She felt Aerith's eyes on her and soon the feeling of fabric hit her skin. Aerith was helping her. "You're not leaving?"
The brunette sighed softly. She didn't say anything as she reached around her to get the shape wear around her torso. "I need to tell you how much I love you, don't I?" She stated firmly. "Tifa, honey, I want you to be happy. That's all I want. I want you happy. I want you to feel comfortable with yourself and me."
Tifa's eyes closed. She felt like crying again. Aerith wasn't leaving her. The woman of her dreams was supporting her. But how long would it last? Would Aerith eventually realize that she didn't sign up for this?
Her face suddenly scrunched up when the shape wear was zipped along her side. It was tight, but it was better than the bandages where.
"Hmm. I don't think this will work just right. I have another one that's like a tank top, hold on."
Tifa slowly sank back down onto the edge of their bed and found herself watching the other woman. "You're amazing," she whispered. Tifa had no idea how she managed to get so lucky. Aerith wanted to help her.
Cloud helped her years ago with accepting that it was okay to wear whatever she wanted, but Aerith was able to give her the last piece that she needed.
"Okay, let's try this one, it might be better. Your chest is bigger than mine." Aerith turned around, holding the nude colored tank top shape wear in front of her. "Then… if you want, you can come out shopping with me and we can see if we can find something that would fit you better."
Hearing her wife made her fists clench in the blanket at the edge of the bed. Her eyes clenched shut and she did everything she could to hold in her tears. She never expected any of this. Everything had been easier to simply hold inside. But now as she sat there letting everything sink in, she wondered how long ago she could have told Aerith about all of this.
"Hey…" The bed sank beside her. "You don't have to try it on if you don't want to."
"I… I do." She whispered.
Aerith leaned closer and rested her chin on Tifa's shoulder. She remained quiet until her wife looked at her. "I love you. I'll tell you and show you as many times as I have to. You don't have to hide this from me anymore."
"I don't think I want to tell anybody else yet."
"That's okay. You didn't answer me earlier. Does anybody else know?" Tifa nodded. "Who knows?"
"I uh… I told Cloud once. It's kind of what led to our breakup." Hearing the way Aerith hummed made her frown. "No, not like that. He just… he wasn't interested in being with a…" She couldn't say the word.
She caught the tiny nod of understanding from Aerith. "A guy?" She gave her a nod of her own. "Well, lucky for you I've always liked men and women."
"It's just… a lot." Her fingers tightened on the edge of the bed again as she started to lean forward, rocking herself. A habit she'd used to try to calm herself each time she felt overwhelmed. It got her through when her mom died, and then when her dad died.
Each time she was alone then.
But when two loving, caring arms wrapped around her, it reminded her that she wasn't alone anymore. She had a beautiful wife that loved her more than anything and seemed to be wanting to help her through this.
"I'm not going anywhere. And… I know you," she whispered. "I know you're thinking that I might run off at some point. I'll remind you every day if I have to that you're stuck with me."
That was all it took. She lost control of her emotions. Her chest clenched. She couldn't breathe. But Aerith was right there. Her wife stayed close to her and held her without a word. She wasn't leaving her.
Aerith was the last piece that she needed to finally be true to herself…
And to accept himself.