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The church bells rang throughout the town, echoing in the picturesque neighborhood as happy families came out of the building.
Cal was observing from afar, his heart tightening with the oddly comforting familiarity of the Sunday morning. Mothers helplessly trying to manage their children running around the church, fathers exchanging together with an insincere politeness while giving disapproving looks to their wives as one of their sons scream a bit too loud... He hasn’t been to church in a while. A year, actually. He remembers vividly when the Zero Day project was discussed for the first time. It was a Sunday afternoon in Andre’s bedroom. Cal was still wearing his white polo from the morning, his “church boy outfit” Andre would call it mockingly. It was also the last day he ever went to church.
He stood there, waiting for the last family to leave the place before finally walking towards the house of God, looking around to make sure nobody was seeing him, as if stepping in the holy building was a sin. He hated to admit how he had missed the smell of the wooden benches and the dust of the statues. He sat on the last row of the empty church. Cal wasn’t quite sure what he was doing in here. He valued quiet places and alone time and wasn’t good at parties or social events. He even had in his head a list of places he liked to go to when he wanted to be alone, or only with Andre. And the church had never been in that list before.
He looked at each detail of the building. The statues of Mother Mary, so peaceful. The paintings of Jesus, so welcoming. He always thought the extravagancy of churches were an ironic misconception of religion. Not that he cared much about religion, but he found it hypocritical from people valuing modesty to constantly show off their devotion. Everything was made to feel like he was in presence of the Holy Spirit, from the icons to the candles. And yet, Cal enjoyed being in church right now because he felt alone.
It wasn’t that people were all gone for lunch with their happy families, but rather that Jesus was gone too. Or maybe he never even came to begin with. Cal never truly believed in God but to make his mother happy, he had followed his religious education, carefully had read his bible, and had kept on coming to church every Sunday. Despite the disinterest he felt towards religion, Cal still couldn’t step in church again after Andre and him talked about Zero Day for the first time.
Exodus 20: 13
Thou shalt not kill
One of the ten commandments he had been constantly repeated during his childhood. Though, his mother never seemed to take it that seriously and solely repeated it alongside the other commandments as a formality. Such commandments were for the fools who needed saving. Surely not for her boy.
When he stopped going to church, his mother seemed quite disturbed by the sudden change, and all so gently tried to inquire on the reasons of it.
He could never quite pinpoint whether she really was worried for her son, or if she only cared about her family’s reputation. Carrying “Gabriel” as a last name was symbolically strong. For as long as Cal could recall, preachers and other believers would tell him and his mother things like “Calvin Gabriel like the archangel. And he does have the face of it!”
In a way, he was akin to Gabriel. Not in the naïve vision of the believers, contended in seeing him as the holy messenger, but rather in his own twisted way. He had always seen the archangel through his sins: anger, violence, and pride. Maybe this analysis of Gabriel would be taken as blasphemous, thus why he kept it for himself. But it might have been his only way to ever connect to religion; by twisting the purity of it and finding comfort in its balefulness.
It was his father who managed to convince his wife it was not that much of an issue. Cal was a teenager and like all teenagers he was going through a “crisis”. He’ll eventually find his way back to God when he felt like it. Perhaps he was right, in a way. Because here he was, sitting in an empty church, reflecting on sins and forgiveness.
Cal did not want forgiveness whatsoever. He was convinced he had nothing to apologize for. Nothing in him was broken and therefore nothing needed fixing. He never had a doubt on Zero Day, not on the act of massacring his classmates, nor on the act of killing himself afterwards.
He was quite sure God didn’t exist, but even if he did, Cal was not a sinner. How could it be a sin to respond to the feeling of hatred and profound sadness God had put in his soul? And if God wasn’t approving Cal and Andre’s plan, why did Cal still feel so alone in this room?
A part of him had secretly hoped for an evidence, a hint, a sign.
As much as he hated to admit it, his biggest weakness was his constant need to get attention, from earth or from above. So, his final act of desperation - or of rebellion - was burning up his bible last night with Andre, as they got rid of all their possessions. He had hoped for a divine intervention, a punishment for his blasphemous act. But the punishment never came. Or maybe the punishment was to make Cal’s soul heating up even harder about Zero Day. Perhaps from birth, he was a fallen angel cursed with an insatiable violence that God himself couldn’t stop.
Cal snapped out of his reverie as he heard footstep echoing in the church. He yet stood still on the bench, hesitant. He then shook his head and almost bitterly laughed at himself before closing his eyes. He recited in his head the prayers his mother had taught him, too ashamed to tell them out loud.
He concluded not by asking for forgiveness, but rather for protection for his mother, his father, and his siblings. God couldn’t have saved Cal, but maybe, if God existed, he could love his family enough to save them.
He stood up and let his hand brush over the old wooden bench one last time. Without many expectations, he looked straight in the eyes of Jesus’s painting hung on the wall above his head.
He felt nothing.
He sighed and turned around. When he was a child, he was taught to recite the name of each apostle for each step he’d take until reaching the outside of the church, bathed in the sunlight. And so, he did.
Andrew
Zero Day will happen on May first.
Bartholomew
They will have the guns in Andre’s car.
James son of Alphaeus
He will be able to admire the beauty of terror.
James son of Zebedee
He will pull the trigger.
John
Again.
Matthew
And again.
Peter
And again, until his hatred is replaced by contemplation.
Philip
He had never forgiven and will never ask for forgiveness.
Simon
He will then shoot himself.
Thaddaeus
If it’s meant to be, then it will be.
Thomas
There is nothing wrong with him.
Judas
It’s a wasted life.