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Christmas was a week away, so close yet as the days passed by time seemed to slow. Lena wasn't excited for Christmas, not like she ever has been, the Luthor's didn't celebrate. There were presents of course, but no hot chocolate in a joyful Christmas mug, no Christmas tree with lights strung around it, and no movies that got you into the spirit.
Lena couldn't remember the last time she was in Midvale for Christmas. It must've been when she was a young adult, She was now approaching her thirties.
Memories dared to come flooding back, things she'd like to say she let go about a long time ago, regrets, things left unsaid or said the wrong way. But that was far from the truth. Because Lena remembered, she thought about it all the time.
Whether it was in the shower, allowing warm water to run down her skin, or if it was at night, alone in bed, looking up at the ceiling. Either way, there was always that familiar pit in her stomach.
Heels clicking against the driveway, up the few porch steps. Lena didn't open the door right away, eyes lingering on the handle. It was cold, breeze hitting her skin, a wave of goosebumps rising.
Without even touching the door, it swung open, startling Lena so badly that she nearly jumped back.
Lillian.
Lena had just stepped foot in Midvale and her mother was already asking all sorts of questions that Lena didn't want to answer. Lillian guided Lena into the house that was just how she remembered it.
Even though the house was well lived in, everything almost seemed lifeless, like nothing was ever touched, or the fact there were no kid drawings on the fridge, or clutter, anywhere. Not even a speck of dust.
Removing her shoes at the door, Lena followed closely behind her mother, down a narrow hallway and into the living room. An L-Shaped velvet couch in the middle, along with a coffee table where the TV remote laid, a bookshelf, books looking untouched.
"So, will you be attending church? The pastor's son is visiting for the holiday. I heard he's a big fan of your work."
Lena could've puked right there and then at the mention of church. A knot forming in her stomach, mouth filling with saliva. There were so many bad memories, all leading back to that church.
"Why? It's not like I believe in God. I came home because you asked, not to bow down and pray."
Lillian remained unbothered, settling down onto the couch, legs crossed. Lena didn't sit, body tense, stomach twisting at the thought of merely passing by the church.
"Well, either way… you will attend the Christmas eve party they're holding. Almost the whole town will be there."
Lena swallowed hard, looking down at her feet. Even as an adult she found herself unable to argue with her mother. That piercing gaze, icy and unforgiving. It made Lena feel like a child again, the urge to wash all her sins off.
"I need a shower," Lena announced, leaving the living room and heading upstairs.
Her bedroom was how she left it, everything untouched, walls bare, no posters. Bed made, not even a wrinkle in the sheets. No dust which indicated it was regularly cleaned, that made sense, her mother could never handle a mess.
Stripping her clothes down, leaving them on the bathroom floor. Lena hopped into the shower, water already warm, hitting her skin in all the places her tense muscles ached. With the change of weather Lena found her back aching.
Quickly finishing up the shower, skin flushed pink, drying off and staring into her tired reflection, a face she barely recognized these days. Still young, yet all the life and color in her face was faded, dark circles beneath her eyes, a missing sparkle to her eyes, not like she ever had one.
Lena's eyes always lacked a twinkle, except for when she was with—Lena's jaw clenched, drying herself off and changing into fresh clothes. A cherry red sweater and jeans.
Outside it had begun to snow, not heavily, a steady pace of white flakes falling. Lena hadn't seen snow in what felt like years. National city barely got snow, it was always too warm and sunny. Lena lingered by the window, watching the snow come down.
Lena just stood there, drifting away into some daydream world. Wondering why the hell she came. She avoided Midvale ever since she left, never showing her face here again, whether it was out of fear of running into someone certain or because she was ashamed.
Now here she was, the bedroom she grew up in, walls holding memories she has forgotten by now. Lena didn't know it yet, but it would be the longest week ever.
The days passed slowly, and each day Lena avoided leaving the house, not wanting to risk running into some familiar faces from high school. Nevertheless, it was always the universe against her.
Lillian sending her out to fetch some things from the store, insisting they bring something to the table for the Christmas Eve party, saying something along the lines of; "It'll make us look good."
So, Lena took her car into town, following the all too familiar route after all this time. She passed by the Danvers's house, still remaining the same, only now the paint was chipped in some areas, and there were new cars in the driveway, ones Lena didn't recognize.
Lena was quick to push those thoughts away, figuring Eliza had bought some new cars since the last time Lena had come here.
Soon finding herself walking down the aisles, a grocery list in hand and basket in the other. The basket held some eggs, cream cheese, and she was now looking for sugar. The store was a cluster, people here, people there, Lena felt suffocated.
Being the CEO of a major company and now living in a lively city, Lena was quite used to people, but it didn't help that she was somewhere she wished she wasn't. Lena would've preferred a vacation anywhere else.
Yet here she was, Midvale, the place that haunted her day and night.
Midvale wasn't a bad place, it had some beautiful places to see, ranging from the beach where clear water sparkled, to hikes up into the mountain where you could see all of the town. It was the fact that Midvale held a lot of homophobia in it.
Over the years loving the same gender had become more and more accepted, going as far as to allow gay marriage nowadays. But it didn't stop the town from viewing it as a sin. Merely holding hands with a girl would get weird looks from passers by.
Especially from elders, which a town like this had a lot of. Lena couldn't understand it back then, but accompanying her mother to church was enough to see, and feel out of place, fixing up her lipstick, wiping away the evidence, and memory gone with it.
It was a small town, which meant one wrong move and everyone would know. If they found out, knew, realized what she was doing behind the church, up the hill, underneath that stupid tree. Lena would surely face consequences.
Lillian had threatened her once after seeing her with Kara. Still, Lena kissed her, again and again like a song on repeat. A song that stopped playing a long time ago.
Lena was absolutely not paying attention, scanning the shelf for sugar, everything being moved around over the years.
It was in that second she bumped into something, or rather someone. A quiet groan coming from the both of them. Lena regained herself, bending down to fetch the list and then gazing up to see who bumped into her.
A face all too familiar.
Lena felt sick.
"Lena."
Of course with her luck she'd run into someone with the last name; Danvers.
"Alex." Lena cleared her throat.
If her sister was here did that mean Kara was as well? Lena felt lightheaded at the thought of Kara being in the same town—state—hell, even country as her.
Alex's brows furrowed, fist clenching at her sides. Lena wouldn't mistake it, Alex was pissed. And Lena didn't have to guess why. It was her own wrong doings that caused it. Breaking her little sister's heart.
"You… you have some nerve, you know? Showing up here when she's better off without you… what are you even doing here, Luthor?" Alex confronted.
Lena's mouth opened and closed, fiddling with the list nervously.
"It's just for a week. I'm not here to… cause more pain…" Lena stated, keeping her head low.
Alex's words basically confirmed Lena's fear. Kara was also in town, whether she returned to live here after college or if she was visiting for the holidays. Kara, the girl who Lena broke, was in the same town as her.
Everything felt suffocating, her sweater suddenly too tight even when it fit just right seconds ago. The air was too thick, clogging in her throat.
Alex chewed her lower lip, as if holding back on screaming at the youngest Luthor and causing a scene which would probably end with the cops getting called.
Alex brushed past her, their shoulders bumping so hard that Lena stumbled backwards. Lena allowed it, knowing she deserved every bit of Alex's anger. Though it wasn't Alex who Lena had hurt, it was still her sister.
Lena got what else was on the list and hurried out of there. Nearly there, nearly making it to her car where she'd shove the bags in the back and head back home, never to leave until it was time for her to return to National city.
Just as she was about to reach her car, keys in hand, unlocking it from where she was. A car pulled up beside her, it was a red 1969 Ford, Mustang, one she hadn't seen around before. Though she was sure new people have moved to Midvale since she was here last.
The mustang slowed down, brake-lights glowing a faint red. Lena also slowed, not coming to a halt yet, watching as the tinted window was rolled down to reveal a man, roughly around her age.
But it wasn't a face she had seen before… well… maybe she has, Lena just couldn't remember from where.
The radio playing faintly and warm air being pushed from the vents. He smiled warmly, flashing his teeth, Lena just giving a questioning look. Mostly relieved it wasn't Kara or someone else. Though Lena wouldn't be really shocked if Alex had tried to hit her with her car.
"Lena, right?" He asked.
Lena looked around, as if he could be talking to anybody else with her name. But it was just her, so she nodded.
"I'm uh, James, James Olsen. I'm a big fan of yours actually, what you do with your company and money. It's inspiring."
Lena cocked a brow, earning nervous laughter from James.
"Sorry, I uh," He stammered for a moment, pulling something out from his wallet, holding it out the window for Lena to take. Lena reluctantly took it. It was his business card.
"I'm here for the week, uh, hope to see you around…" Lena swore James winked but she couldn't confirm it. The only thing she could confirm was that he was flirting, Lena could tell she wasn't stupid, but he was doing a very bad job at it.
"Yeah, I'm sure we will." Lena murmured in reply, scurrying away to her car.
Lena didn't throw the business card away. Tempted, but keeping it stuffed in the cup holder of her car. Maybe one day it could be useful. Just not today. All Lena wanted to do was get home and lock herself in her bedroom.
Which is exactly what she did. Returning home and setting down a bunch of groceries on the counter.
Heels clicking and coming up from behind which Lena already knew it was her mother.
Lillian hummed in approval, taking the ingredients that she'd need to make the cheesecake. Lena didn't hover, already up the flight of stairs and shutting the door to her bedroom. A sigh of relief escaped as she pressed her weight against the door.
That was the last time she left the house, until Lillian forced her to get ready for the Christmas Eve event. Held at the place she dreaded returning to the most.
The least she could do was dress nicely, so Lena did just that.
Pulling out a black strapless dress from her closet, silky and hugging her figure nicely. Lena even did her makeup, hoping she would at least make it look like she wasn't a walking zombie. She didn't do her hair, choosing to leave her hair down for the night.
Staring into the mirror, Lena practiced a smile. Pressing her lips into a thin smile, not quite reaching her eyes. Lena knew she had to appear like she wanted to be there and wasn't quietly sick to her stomach.
Lillian called her from downstairs, nevertheless, Lena didn't rush, fixing up her lipstick and grabbing her purse before heading out with her mother.
The drive to church was short but somehow longer than she remembered.
The cheesecake was settled in her lap, and outside was gloomy, looking as if it wanted to snow.
Upon arrival the parking spots were already filled with several cars, some familiar and others not. Lena recognized that Mustang from the other day, and she did recognize Eliza's car, which made her stomach turn.
Perhaps Kara didn't come. Why would she? Lena was sure this place brought back just as many memories as it did for Lena.
Lillian took the cheesecake from her, already greeting the pastor and his son… James.
James smiled from behind his father, waving at Lena. Lena didn't smile back, only having the power to wave weakly.
Lena's eyes kept darting around, feeling open and vulnerable, like eyes were on her. Which people probably were looking. The youngest Luthor back in town after so long, now CEO of L-Corp, pretty well-known.
But even growing up people stared at her, waving from across the room, or approaching her just to hear her voice. Lena truly hated the attention. Just because of a last name.
The church was decorated for Christmas. A small Christmas tree with few presents underneath, a donation jar near the entrance, warm lights strung inside and outside. Laughter and conversation came easily among everyone.
Lena didn't want to talk with anybody, or be spotted. She merely tucked herself away in a corner, back pressed up against the wall as it was the only thing holding her up.
Lena felt sick, like she could throw up everything she ate for breakfast.
Mouth already filled with saliva which she slowed quickly. Lena couldn't make a fool of herself, having spent time with her makeup and outfit.
Eyes searching the clutter of people, Lena didn't spot Kara. That made Lena feel almost secure. Gaining some strength in her legs, still lacking color to her face.
James approached, mouth twitching into a welcoming smile. Lena didn't want to talk, didn't want to be seen, couldn't he see that? Lena had to hold back from letting out a huff. Straightening her back out, head held high.
"Hey," He greeted.
Lena looked away, eyes darting off to the side.
"Hi." Is all she managed to say.
James was tense, mouth opening and closing as if he wanted to ask something but was building up the courage. Before the words even left his mouth, Lena knew what it would be. Music playing somewhere in the background, fading with her thoughts.
"Would you dance with me…?" He squeaked out.
Lena wanted to roll her eyes and blatantly reject the offer. Yet she didn't. Because being alone in this corner, memories hitting her like a brick, sweating with nerves of just being at this very church or at any church at all.
Lena had to do something to distract herself.
"Sure," Lena whispered, barely audible.
James took her hand, leading her to the floor where everyone was dancing slowly to the music, mostly older couples, smiles plastered on their faces. Lena ignored the feeling in her stomach, wrapping her arms around his neck, moving along to the music.
James held her, hands rested on her hips, bodies pressed together but Lena left a gap. She didn't want to dance, not with him, not with anybody.
Lena swallowed thickly, meeting eyes with James. His lips pressed into a smile as he spun her around like she was some princess. Lena rolled her eyes, being pulled back in, pressed up against him now.
It felt wrong, using his attraction for her as a mere distraction. Maybe it was wrong, but frankly, Lena would only be in this town a few days longer, so in the end, it didn't matter.
Lena broke eye contact, looking off to the side, a crowd of people talking, dancing, drinking wine.
There were so many faces, and there she was. Across the room; Alex, she looked uncomfortable, body tense and sweat beading on her forehead, whispering something to Eliza who stood right beside her.
Eliza pulled Alex off to the side, which doing so revealed a blonde. Kara. Kara stood right there, blue eyes dancing around the room until they landed on Lena and Lena didn't have enough strength to look away.
Because there she was right. Kara, same as ever. Face matured but it was her. It was her.
Lena didn't blink, getting lost in those all too familiar blue eyes that had lost their spark, just dull and empty. Lena noticed it though, the glisten in her eyes.
Lena halted, breath hitching in her throat and heel stepping on James' foot, earning a small wince from him.
Lena swore right there she forgot how to breathe, blue eyes staring right back at her. Neither of them looked away, everything just fading away in the moment, like it had just become them.
Because Lena didn't notice James trying to get her attention. She didn't hear the music. All she heard was her own heartbeat, like it would beat out of her chest. And all she saw was Kara.
Kara backed away, as if they were impossibly close except that they were across the room from each other. Lena nearly winced at the sight, Kara bumping into some older guy, getting a bunch of wine spilled all over her before she hurried out of the church.
Lena moved on her own, thinking about what she was doing and then stopping in her tracks.
"Lena?" James called out from behind but her name in his mouth meant nothing to her.
Lena told herself she just had to check. Make sure Kara was okay, maybe help her dry the wine off that would surely stain her outfit.
That's how Lena found herself in the parking lot. It was easy to spot the blonde, leaning against a silver 2014 Ford Escape. Kara looked up, looking like a deer in headlights as she met eyes with Lena, quickly replaced with anger.
Lena stiffened, shuffling the rest of her way there. Looking Kara up and down, she was in a red and blue check dress up shirt, probably picking those colors for Christmas, which Lena always found cute of her. Matching her outfits for the holiday's even if it was something little.
Now standing here, in front of a frozen Kara, shirt stained, Lena hadn't ever been so speechless in her life, mouth opening and closing and then pausing again at the sight of Kara's eyes, a burning grudge.
"I just wanted to…" Lena trailed off. Kara stood up, taller than Lena.
"Save it, I don't need to hear anything from you." Kara's voice was harsh, cutting deeper than a knife.
"Kara, please I'm-" Lena said Kara's name as if she were pleading.
"Since you don't want to listen, I'll say it again." Kara took a step closer, fist nearly shaking with whatever pent up anger she had. "Shut. Up."
Lena's mouth opened, only to be shut up again, swallowing thickly.
"Lena." Kara warned.
It sent goosebumps up Lena's arms. Hearing Kara say her name after so long but this time it wasn't sweet, it wasn't loving. It was hatred, anger, pent up over years.
"I don't want to hear you apologies, or you to beg for my forgiveness, or for you to fucking check up on me because I got a little wine on me. Just leave me alone. Got it?"
Lena couldn't say anything else, already biting at her tongue until the taste of copper swarmed her taste-buds. Kara was staring daggers into her.
Lena nodded, slowly backing up and disappearing back into the church, another weight placed on her chest.
There were tears welled up in her ears, warm and stinging. People looked at her, James, Lillian, Eliza, but she didn't care, brushing past people and placing herself back into that tucked corner where she stayed the rest of the night as if she were in timeout.
There were dirty stares from Alex but Lena just ignored them.
That was where she spent the rest of the night, head hung low and cheeks now tear-streaked and makeup running. She didn't see Kara for the rest of the night, Lena wasn't sure if Kara even returned.
But the night passed by and people began leaving, which Lillian signaled it was time for them to leave as well. Nobody asked why her face was blotchy, why her breathing was uneven or why she was in the corner all night. Not until Lena was sat in the passenger seat did Lillian begin to question.
"Why are you crying? You've ruined your makeup and made a fool of yourself."
Lillian's voice was ice cold even when her daughter was breaking down. Lena didn't answer, knowing it would result in nothing. No comfort or advice. Lillian sighed, pulling out of the parking lot.
"If it's that girl- what's her name? Kiera? Kara, yes, the blonde one that you were so close with-"
Lena snapped. "Can you just shut up!?"
Lillian put the car to a stop, sending Lena forward and then back against the seat again. Lillian looked at Lena with livid eyes. Lena was all too used to the stare, it didn't put the same fear into her as it did in the past.
Lena opened the car door, stepping out with her purse.
"Have a nice drive home, mother." Lena slammed the door shut. Lena walked the opposite way, heading from where they just had come. Lillian didn't stop her, driving off, leaving Lena on the side of the road.
In truth, Lena wasn't sure where she was going but she just let her feet take her where they wanted. That is how she ended up on that damn hill, standing underneath the tree, night sky above, air cold, hitting her skin that was far from covered.
Lena shivered but ignored it, approaching the tree, something carved into the trunk. A closer look and Lena could see two initials. "K" And "L". Lena paused, she didn't carve that, but why would Kara?
She had broken Kara's heart into a million little pieces right underneath this tree all those years ago. Lena ran her finger across the trunk, hovering over the initials. It hurt her heart in ways she couldn't explain.
Lena didn't want to return home, Lena also didn't have another place to stay, so that's where she stayed. Underneath the tree, knees pulled to her chest.
Tears rolled quietly, a lump in her throat, having been there since she saw Kara. As far as she knew, Kara hated her guts. Making it clear she didn't want to hear from Lena.
If Lena could take back what she said, had done, the things she regretted most in her life, she'd do it in a heartbeat.
But it was too late. Had been for a while.
Lena could recall the heavy ache in her chest after Kara took off down the hill, after what she said. Lena didn't follow her immediately, too full of shame.
But the guilt and instant regret was eating away at her, and the most she could do was apologies. So, Lena did just that.
Lena remembers that day like it was yesterday.
It was early in the morning when Lena arrived at the Danver's house. Behind the house morning waves were calm, the sound of seagulls and the sun rising.
Eliza's car was still in the driveway still, meaning the scientists hadn't left for work quite yet. Lena hesitated before knocking, quiet at first but the second knock with more force.
A few seconds later the door opened, being met with Eliza who appeared as if she were getting ready for the day. Lena smiled nervously, instantly regretting this.
"Lena, what brings you here? It's so early in the morning. Come in." Eliza opens the door further, allowing for Lena to shuffle her way inside.
Lena follows Eliza into the kitchen, clearing her throat.
"I am to see Kara, is she sleeping?" Lena asked.
Eliza raised her brow, wiping some toothpaste off her lips before answering.
"Kara has been gone for two days already, you know, off to college. Didn't she tell you?"
Lena paused, throat suddenly feeling tight as she swallowed thickly. Kara couldn't be gone.
"College?" Lena repeated in a mumble. "No, she didn't tell me."
Lena's voice began to shake.
Kara had just up and left. Leaving Midvale behind with Lena in the past. Despite wanting to be angry, Lena couldn't blame Kara.
Lena hurt Kara in ways that she couldn't take back. Practically ripping the blonde's heart out underneath that tree and ripping it into tiny pieces for Kara to collect.
Lena didn't enjoy hurting Kara. Leading her on, false hope, desperate kisses, selfishness.
Despite all that Lena never would've imagined Kara would just leave.
"That's odd, she must've been so excited about college that she forgot. Do you have her number? Maybe you can call her."
Eliza was so oblivious, not understanding what went on between her daughter and her. Kara must've not said anything.
If she did, Lena was sure she wouldn't be welcomed in this house.
"What's her number?" Lena inquired.
Eliza smiled warmly, grabbing a nearby pen and ripping off a sticky note laid upon the counter top near a mug of coffee.
Handing the note to Lena, in Eliza's handwriting was Kara's number.
"There you go, sweetheart. I'm sure she would be glad you called."
Eliza patted her shoulder gently before walking off, toothbrush still in hand. Lena didn't take her eyes off the number written down.
Kara had left without saying goodbye, which surely meant Kara wouldn't want to hear from her.
Yet here she was, debating whether to call or not. At least try to say sorry and fix some things between them.
Lena didn't realize it, not right away, but there was a lump in her throat and tears running down her cheeks, leaving warm streaks.
At the end of the day Lena decided not to call. Tucking the note somewhere in her room and never, ever, touching it again, as if it was some cursed object.
After that there were endless tears, lying in bed, tucked under the sheets in her pitch dark room. Her mother didn't try to comfort her, only Jack did.
Jack came over a fair amount of times, holding her when she needed, laying kisses upon her blotchy face from tears, and telling stories about his day just to make her smile.
Lillian seemed satisfied. Having Jack stay for dinner on more than one occasion. Even offering him an extra pair of keys to the house.
Lena wondered if it was worth it. Just to satisfy her mother. To avoid stares while walking down the street.
Freely she could kiss and hold hands with Jack, but if it was Kara, surely the town would have their head on a stick.
Jack was an amazing person.
Lena appreciated him.
Kara, she was also amazing.
Lena loved her.
Kara was like the sun to her day. When they were together there was a warmth in her heart, as if everything would be okay, like they could climb mount Everest together, or fight Gods and conquer worlds, like nothing was impossible.
Now just to get out of bed and take care of her basic needs felt like trying to climb out of hell.
- - -
It was Christmas. The holiday finally arriving. Lena had returned home late that night, late enough that the sunrise had begun. Despite the snow coming down outside, it didn't feel like Christmas.
Lena groaned, sleeping terribly last night, a headache behind her eyes. Nevertheless, Lena forced herself up out of bed, still in her clothes from yesterday, not caring to change as she made her way downstairs where Lillian was in the living room, legs crossed.
There was a single gift underneath the tree. Lena raised her brow, staring curiously at Lillian.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Lillian spoke, voice as cold as the snow outside.
Lena quietly nodded, moving over and taking the present in her hand. It was wrapped neatly, very like her mother, who was impeccable.
Thoughtfully unwrapping it revealed a little white box. There was no label on it, giving Lena no hint to what it held inside. Lena gazed upwards, observing her mothers calm expression, always so unreadable.
Without another thought Lena removed the lid from the box. Lena might've expected earrings, a necklace even, maybe a gift-card at least, but inside were letters, bold yet neat handwriting that Lena recognized.
All sent to this address, specifically making it clear that the letters were meant for Lena Luthor.
"This is… Kara's handwriting…" Lena murmured to herself.
Grabbing one of the letters, the envelope ripped open already meaning that Lillian must've read it. Lena's breath hitched in her throat, eyes skimming over the letter, looking at the date that read; June, 2013.
"She sent me letters…" Lena realized, at a loss for words.
Lillian shrugged, sipping on her coffee indifferently. Lena paused, putting the letter back inside, right now, right here, it wasn't the time to read it.
"She was desperate. Sent letters for almost a year straight."
Lillian's voice held no remorse, not an ounce of it. Lena stood, box in hand, a tight grip on it as if her mother would change her mind and snatch it back from her daughter.
"You kept them from me." Lena hissed lowly.
Lillian grumbled something before expelling a breath of air. Acting if this was some inconvenience.
"You had Jack, went away to college. Now you've started a company, a successful one at that. You didn't need her to hold you back," Lillian replied.
Lena glared daggers into her mother who remained calm.
"You have no idea, do you?" Lena huffed out a humorless laugh.
Lillian cocked an eyebrow at Lena, placing her coffee down. Lena was laughing, not because anything was funny, this was far from funny. It was laughter from disbelief, years of believing Kara never tried to contact her, that they both moved on.
"All these years and just now I'm being told that…" Lena trailed off, blinking away a few tears that stung at her eyes. "That the woman I loved—love, sent me letters."
It was Lena's first time admitting out loud that she had feelings for Kara. Lena had always kept it to herself, not daring to admit it, say it to the wrong person and face the consequences.
Lillian scowled. "It's not my fault that only now you decided to return."
"Seriously? You could've told me at least… or even mailed them to me when I was away at college! I know I was with Jack at the time but you knew when we broke up! therefore you could've…"
Lena paused, tears now streaming down her cheeks, leaving warm trails. Lena had no strength to argue with her mother. It was Christmas morning and the only thing that came with that was fighting and more heartbreak.
Lillian opened her mouth not that Lena stayed to hear what she had to say. Lillian didn't regret it, and wasn't upset because her daughter was hurt. Lillian remained unamused, watching Lena stride off.
Lena didn't stay. As soon as her shoes and jacket were on she was out the door. Taking her car and driving the icy roads into town. The town is decorated for Christmas, with a massive tree in the center of the park, colorful lights strung on it with a bright star on top.
Lena wasn't sure where she was going. It was Christmas day and most places weren't open. Only one store had its lights on, sign flickering. Everyone was at home with their families so the store was empty, only for two workers who looked miserable.
Walking down the aisles, Lena found what she came for. Vodka. Lena didn't want to think, wanted to forget, but she couldn't do that sober.
The woman at the cashier looked at her like she had two heads, but didn't comment and handed the bag over to Lena. Lena wasn't dumb, she wouldn't drink and drive. Potentially put someone's life at danger or even her own.
So, Lena parked her car in the church, snow coming down and she couldn't bother to turn her windshield wipers on, only blasting the heat so she didn't freeze to death. With only a few bottles of Vodka to keep her company, Lena turned on the radio.
At first it was pure static, then she finally reached a half-decent song, classical rock which she didn't mind.
Music faded into the background of her many thoughts, mostly drunken thoughts, thinking about things she wouldn't even consider thinking of while sober. It was frustrating, Lena wanted to drink to forget.
Yet here she was, thinking of things she buried deep down.
Couldn't keep her mind of those letters, a box stuffed with them. Lena hadn't read them yet, she wasn't sure she wanted to. It would be like ripping off a bandage.
Lena tossed the empty bottle to the passenger seat, already reaching for the next bottle. That was until there was a knock at her window, catching her attention, Lena rolled down the window. Already being hit with the cold winter air.
A familiar face, though everything was a blur to a drunken Lena.
Lena wasn't that drunk though, able to make out his features.
James.
He looked rather worried.
"Lena, are you alright?" James questioned, crossing his arms.
Lena rolled her eyes, not wanting to deal with anyone as of right now.
"I'm fine…" She replied.
He nodded, cheeks flushed red from the cold air. Lena merely sipped on the Vodka, not chugging it like before, knowing technically she was still behind the wheel while intoxicated.
"Well, I uh," He stumbled with his words. "Want to come to a Christmas party tonight?"
Lena cocked her head, now looking at him, her eyes half-lidded. Lena remembers how the Christmas Eve party went. But, as long as Kara wasn't there and maybe there were even drinks. Well, it was a party after all, of course there were drinks.
"When?"
"Seven."
Lena nodded. That could work. Surely she'd be sober enough to drive or walk if she really had to.
"It's at Mike's house. You know, one by the beach. With the corvette in the driveway—"
"—I know who Mike is. I went to high school with him." Lena cut James off.
James nodded, pressing his lips into a thin smile. Lena didn't return the smile, lips meeting with the bottle again.
"Well, I'll see you tonight," James sounded joyful, walking off with a wave that Lena also didn't care to return. Quickly rolling up the window so no more warm air escaped.
- - -
Music could be heard from outside the house. Lena couldn't tell if this was a college party or a Christmas party. But by the reeking smell of alcohol Lena could tell Mike hasn't changed in the slightest.
Brushing past a few people, Lena made her way towards the kitchen. The strong smell of alcohol growing stronger, almost intoxicating.
Lena ignored anyone who tried to interact with her. Just enjoying the music that practically vibrated the house. A plastic-red cup in hand, having almost no idea what was inside of it, but it did the job.
Burning on the way down, feeling a bit lightheaded but she ignored that, fetching herself more.
Eventually James found her, sipping on his own drink but he was sober compared to her and the rest of the people at the party. He offered a smile, this time Lena couldn't find it in her to force it, staring blankly at him which arguably made it awkward.
James looked Lena up and down, leaning down to whisper something in her ear;
"You look good." Warm breath hit her ear.
Really his words meant nothing to her. James could compliment her a thousand times and her heart still wouldn't flutter. But if it was Kara saying that, she'd fold quicker than a chair.
"Thanks," She said back, making sure she could be heard over the music.
Lena wasn't sure what memo James exactly got when they met eyes but he began to lean in, his eyes locked on her lips. Lena froze, placing a hand on his chest, stopping him. James blinked a few times, confused.
"I'm sorry…" She looked away. "I can't do this."
Before James could even speak, Lena was walking off, stumbling and being shoved against walls and she attempted to brush past a crowd of people. Lena groaned, hitting her head on the way out.
Walking down the porch steps, nearly tripping a few times. There were footsteps behind her. Lena turned around swiftly on her heel, ready to tell James off if he couldn't respect her.
But it wasn't James.
It was Kara, who looked worried.
Lena looked away, eyes already filled with tears. Lena hadn't expected Kara, that was the last person she thought she'd see. Kara kept distance, fumbling with her glasses before clearing her throat.
"Are you… okay?" Kara muttered her question, barely audible.
Lena didn't answer, stomach turning and mouth filling with saliva. Whether it was how much she had to drink or the anxiety building up in her chest, Lena felt nauseous. Eyes widening with panic as she doubled-over.
Whatever was in her stomach had been puked up into the nearby bush. Kara was patting her back and holding her hair out of her face.
Tears streamed down her face, unable to look Kara in the eyes. Not after everything. Lena wasn't even sure why Kara had followed her out. Lena straightened her back, keeping her head low.
"I-I have to go," Lena stammered, reaching into her pockets, searching for her keys. They weren't there.
Turning to look, Kara held Lena's car keys. Lena's eyebrows furrowed, rather confused why Kara was holding her keys and didn't seem to want Lena to have them.
"You're drunk. No way I'm letting you drive." Kara shoved the keys into her back-pocket.
Lena mumbled something, turning again and walking off. She couldn't face Kara, not while sober, not even while drunk. Kara followed her, Lena didn't have to turn to know that the blonde was on her trail.
"Come on, let me drive you home," Kara offered.
Lena shook her head, not even attempting to reply. She just kept walking along the sidewalk that had no snow, having been shoveled, but that didn't mean there wasn't ice. Lena was already stumbling around, so the ice was enough to catch her by surprise, slipping.
Waiting to hit the cold and hard concrete. But it never happened.
Two strong hands catching her, keeping her up. Lena's eyes met with a pair of blue ones behind glasses. Helping Lena up and back onto her two feet, making sure she was steady before letting go.
"You know, If I don't drive you home you're going to slip on ice and hurt yourself."
Lena rolled her eyes, looking away. It wasn't that she was mad at Kara. She had no reason to be mad, it wasn't Kara who broke her heart. Kara even tried to fix things, Lena just never knew about it until today.
"Oh come on, you said it yourself, Kara. You don't want anything to do with me."
Kara exhaled heavily, nodding.
"I did, and I'm still hurt. But that never has stopped me from helping before. So let's go, consider it a Christmas gift."
Lena nodded, not being able to protest. Her legs were aching, she was lightheaded, cold, and just wanted to go home, be in her bed to sober up.
Kara smiled thinly, not quite reaching her eyes.
Following Kara back to Lena's car. Kara unlocked it, both hopping inside, with Lena in the passenger seat. The engine roared to life, heat blasting from the vents, warming Lena's icy hands up.
Kara didn't say much, eyes focused on the road, only occasionally gazing at Lena.
But Lena was drunk, and with that, came some confessions that she wouldn't have said without a little buzz.
"You sent letters."
Kara paused, grip tightening around the steering wheel, taking just a quick glance at Lena. Their eyes met for that brief second.
"I did. You just never replied."
Kara sounded hurt, probably assuming Lena threw each letter out. Which was far from the truth.
"I didn't know. My mother, she- she never told me. Not until this morning. She gave them to me."
Kara gently pressed on the brakes, coming to a stop-sign. There they met eyes again, this time, neither looked away.
"Is that an excuse? Or the truth?" Kara inquired.
Lena bit her lower lip, looking away as soon as Kara did, her blue eyes laid upon the road once again.
"It's the truth. I never—" Lena's voice cracked. "I never knew, or I would've replied."
Gazing at Kara's side-profile, eyes still focused ahead. Lena could see the tears in her eyes, the way she swallowed hard.
"I sent them as often as I could. I don't know why, I just… couldn't stand the way things ended between us." Kara admitted.
Lena nodded, but before she could say any more, they were pulling into the driveway. Porch light still on, Lillian probably waiting for her return.
The engine cut, both their doors opening as they stepped out, cold air hitting them both. Kara returned Lena's car keys, their hands briefly brushing against each other, sending a shiver down Lena's spine.
"How are you going to get home?" Lena questioned, fiddling with the car keys.
Kara shrugged. "I'm going to walk, get my car from the party."
Lena didn't really enjoy the thought of Kara walking down the street in the winter cold, only the street-lights above to guide her path. Despite that, there was really not much Lena could offer.
"Alright…" Lena mutters.
Kara turned, ready to leave, but she paused. Looking over her shoulder and meeting eyes with Lena.
"Merry Christmas by the way." Kara said before finally walking off.
Lena stood there a bit longer, goosebumps on her arms, nose red and stuffy from the cold. She had to read those letters.
- - -
11Th June, 2013;
From Kara, To Lena.
I don't know if you'll read this after the way things ended between us. I know what you said was true, homophobia is rooted deep in that town. I remember Alex came home one day, she was upset. Which was normal for her, she was a teenager at the time, but I pushed further, asked.
I can't remember word for word, but I do know she and her girlfriend at the time; Maggie. Were harassed by an older couple for kissing in public. I didn't understand, I thought they were just teasing her.
But now I realize that it wasn't teasing, not even close. It hurts, but people would look at us the same way if we, well you know, kissed in public, or even held hands.
You hurt me, but I don't want us to hate each other. I don't want this to be the end. Even if I can't have you as more than a friend, I'm fine with that.
19Th June, 2013;
Haven't gotten a response from my last letter, but that's okay. I know you're probably ignoring me because you want to protect your feelings. Which is why I'm doing this. Because I want closure.
I'm not even confident you're still in Midvale, perhaps you also went off to college. If that's the case I'm sure Lillian will inform you. Hopefully you're not too mad I left. At the time I was too hurt to say goodbye.
But I'm miserable, Lena. I have been for a while now. I don't know anyone at this college. And a part of me doesn't want to know anybody. It feels wrong. All I want is you.
From the second I laid eyes on you, those beautiful green eyes, I've wanted you. Though I'd never have the courage to approach you before. You were something unattainable, like reaching for the stars.
When you kissed me, I couldn't wrap my mind around it. Maybe you wanted me too.
Though you said it was a mistake to kiss me. I believe otherwise. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think we both miss each other.
17Th July, 2013;
I haven't had much time to write, but I'm not giving up on us quite yet. I have hope that we can be friends again. I miss our conversations, the laughter, it was like a weight was taken off my chest when I was with you. I really do miss you.
Sometimes I wonder what college you're attending. Whether it's across the country from me or somewhere closer. My heart aches at the thought of you being so far.
I know we weren't friends or whatever you'd like to call us, for a long time but to me it felt like forever. From the time I passed you in the hallways, shared the same classes as you, saw you in the yearbook, wishing I had the courage to ask you to sign it.
I regret it now that I didn't ask, that I don't have anything to remind me of you. Only memories to clang on to.
There's one thing I regret more. Is that I didn't ever tell you how I really felt. Sure, we kissed, held each other like more than just friends, but I never truly confessed. I wanted to, but when Jack came into the picture, things got even more complicated.
The words got stuck in my throat and I didn't tell you, but I loved you. I still do. It sucks that I can't tell you face-to-face, I wish I could.
21st October, 2013;
Happy early Birthday, Lena. I hope you celebrate with all your friends, family, Jack, Lillian, not exactly aware of who you hangout with nowadays but I wish I could be there.
I'll be in Midvale for thanksgiving though, so if you're in town maybe we can meet up. Our old spot, underneath the tree. I'm not sure if you'll come or if you're visiting for the holidays but if you are, please come.
I'll even bring a gift.
Hope to see you.
That was only four of the many letters that Lena chose to read. Not being able to handle anymore. The opportunities missed, the confessions, hope written in these old letters. Lena didn't realize it but she was crying, and has been since the second letter.
Lena had to fix things, just like Kara had tried all those years ago.
It was only right. Even if in the end Lena failed, at least she tried.
That was how Lena found herself digging through her room, searching for the sticky note that Eliza gave her, the one with Kara's number that Lena had tucked away, somewhere forgotten, never touched since.
It took awhile until Lena found it, the very bottom of her drawer, hidden underneath her makeup that was also left untouched.
Lena pulls out her phone, looking between Kara's number and back at her phone, tapping in each digit. Lena hoped her number hadn't changed, or else she'd have to show up at Kara's door with shame and guilt written all over her.
With a final press, the phone began to ring, and ring. Nobody picked up at first, and Lena was going over the number, making sure it was correct.
Finally, someone picked up, but it wasn't Kara's voice.
"Hello?" The voice broke through from the other side.
"Hey I uh…" Lena recognized the voice from somewhere, but without a face she couldn't tell.
Until, the voice grew with anger, and Lena knew she had the correct number.
"Lena!? Why are you calling Kara? God, please don't tell me she gave you her number… I told her to stay away from you."
Alex's voice grew with anger, mixed with disappointment.
"No, actually—don't worry about it, where is Kara?" Lena asked.
Alex scoffed from the other side. Lena paced her room, chewing her bottom lip nervously.
"She's showering. What do you want, to make sure she cries herself to sleep? I bet you'd just love that."
Lena huffed, shaking her head even though Alex couldn't see her.
"What? No!" Lena rubbed her forehead. "The opposite actually, I was hoping I could… lessen the pain."
Lena could hear the distrust in Alex's voice.
"Listen, I don't want to hurt her more than I have. Just, when she gets out of the shower, tell her I called. It's up to her if she wants to call back."
With that, Lena hung up, not giving Alex more time to become more furious for what Lena has done.
It wasn't until midnight, Lena sprawled beneath the sheets, staring up at the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the world. Lena knew she'd be leaving soon, heading back to National city.
Back to her apartment, normal routine, back to L-Corp, a miserable life.
Beside her, laid upon her pillow, on charge, was her phone. It began to vibrate, and Lena knew who it was. Hesitating a moment before answering, putting it up to her ear and closing her eyes, waiting to hear Kara's voice.
"Lena, hey. Alex said you called…" Kara clearly sounded nervous.
Lena hummed. "Yeah, I did."
Silence stretched but not for long, Kara clearing her throat, along with some shuffling in the background.
"How'd you get my number?"
"Eliza. I came to see you, fix things, but you were already gone for college. She gave me your number, I was just too much of a coward to call." Lena admitted.
"Oh…" Kara's voice came through, voice strained.
"I read some of your letters. I want to make things up to you, if you'd let me." Lena sounded as if she were pleading.
Kara sighed from the other side, a bit of hesitation which Lena saw coming.
"I'm not asking for you to forgive me—to forget how I hurt you. But if you want to see me, meet me tomorrow morning, at the tree."
"I uh, I'll have to think about it but… I just…" Kara paused, and Lena closed her eyes tightly once again, bracing herself.
"Alright, tomorrow, I'll see you there." Kara finally said.
Kara's mind had been made up, Lena was relieved.
"Thank you… uh, goodnight." Lena finished, holding the phone to her ear a second longer before hanging up.
- - -
The morning breeze was soothing, and today, Lena, had actually brought a jacket with her.
Climbing the steep hill, at least a good three inches of snow, crushing underneath her weight. Feet protected by an old-pair of boots she dug out of her closet, having cleaned the layer of dust off.
Arriving upon the snow-covered tree, Kara already sat underneath it. A black beanie, two gloves that were way too small for her hands, and an oversized winter jacket.
Kara looked up, meeting eyes with Lena. Kara's cheeks rosy from the harsh cold, lips chapped. In spite of that she still managed to look beautiful.
Or so Lena thought.
Because to Lena, Kara has always been pulchritudinous.
Lena opted to plop down beside Kara, leaning against the tree instead of standing on her feet.
Kara didn't move, not even when their legs brushed together. Lena waited, waiting for Kara to speak first.
Silence stretched between them, semi-awkward but also peaceful. Finally, Kara cleared her throat, eyes darting to her lap, gloved-hands clasped together.
"This feels weird. Being here, underneath this tree, beside you, after so long." Kara confessed.
Lena had to admit. It was quite foreign to be close again. Only something Lena has dreamed about a thousand times before.
Dreams Lena could only wish she wouldn't wake up from.
"Yes, but I assume that's part of the process," Lena said.
Kara looked at her sideways, a questioning look spread across her face.
"You know, the uncomfortable part, getting to know each other again."
Lena clarified, in return earning another odd look from Kara before Kara looks away again, avoiding eye contact.
"So that is what you think this is? Getting to know each other again?" Kara scoffed.
Lena paused, opened her mouth, paused again.
"You broke my heart, Lena. Strung me along, acted like it was nothing, just a mistake. Why would I ever want to get to know you?"
It was funny, considering all Kara wanted to do when they first met was know Lena.
Understand this mystery of a woman. See the true her.
"You know it meant something to me. I didn't want it to, but it did. So, in the end, I didn't just hurt you, but I hurt myself."
Kara huffed out a humorless laugh, as if in disbelief.
"Is that supposed to fix things?"
Lena shook her head weakly, then Kara spoke again.
"I don't think things can be fixed. It's been so many years, we're adults now, you have your own company, you're one successful woman."
Lena went through a wave of different emotions. Disappointment, realization and a bit of happiness; catching herself smiling at the praise coming from Kara's mouth.
If it were anyone else, it wouldn't have meant anything to her.
But when Kara said it, Lena could feel proud of her own success.
"I'm sure you are doing good as well, what do you even do for a living?" Lena dared to ask.
Kara shrugged. "I work at Catco, I'm just an assistant for Cat Grant."
Lena hadn't expected that. Mouth filling with questions that she held back.
"An assistant? I always thought—"
Kara cut Lena off mid-sentence.
"—Thought what? That I'd be something bigger, greater?"
Kara crossed her arms, looking up at the gloomy clouds above.
"Thought maybe you'd settle for a job that had something to do with… Space. You always were intrigued by the stars," Lena replied.
"Space? You know I'm not that smart." Kara chuckled softly as if imagining the impossible.
Lena shook her head, having more faith in Kara than Kara had in herself.
"Don't be silly, Kara. We went to high school together. I know you're smart."
There was a heat that settled across Kara's cheeks, and Lena wouldn't miss it. Bringing her back to all the times Kara couldn't even look at her without blushing.
"Why couldn't it have always been like this?" Kara asked.
Lena raised her brow, confused yet she had an idea of what Kara meant.
Easy laughter and faces with a smile, underneath this tree, just talking freely. Like it used to be, before everything got complicated.
"Because I messed up… cared too much about what people thought. Allowed that fear to choose for me."
Lena acknowledged her mistakes, because the future would remain the same if the lesson wasn't taught.
"Yeah, well, glad you acknowledge that when it's too late…" Kara muttered underneath her breath.
Lena frowned, a familiar ache in her heart. Kara was right, maybe it was too late. Kara finally turned, looking at her after avoiding eye contact most of the conversation.
Lena barely noticed it, having to double take; a leaf had landed upon Kara's beanie, settling there, unmoving.
It was cute, and Lena found herself reaching out, plucking the leaf off the beanie.
Kara stiffened as if Lena was going to kiss her, but Lena knew the boundaries between them, and she respected it. Kara soon realized what it was that Lena held in her palm.
A small smile twitching on the blonde's lips, taking the nearly dead leaf. Winter meant that trees lost their leaves, yet here they were, another leaf finding them.
"Maybe… maybe we can try to be friends again. Just friends, for now…" Kara whispered.
They didn't take their eyes off the leaf, not until Lena reached, grasping Kara's hand and holding it in her own, warmth spreading across her icy palm.
"I'd like that," Lena replied, pausing before continuing once more. "Frankly I don't give a shit what anyone thinks anymore. I just want you back."
Kara's lips twitched into a grin, eyes sparkling in a way they haven't in years. "Yeah, fuck this town."
It was small, but it was progress.
- - -
National City was vibrant as usual, sun rising up for the start of a new day. Summer had just begun, but you could already smell it in the air.
Lena was digging through her closet, throwing her underwear there, a tank-top here, a pair of socks landing on the fan.
She groaned in frustration, unable to find her bucket hat that would protect her from the sun beaming down on her.
Even sunscreen wouldn't be enough protection.
The door to the bedroom swung open and there stood Kara, a grin on her face, and there, on top of her head, was Lena's hat.
Lena's mouth opened and closed but she couldn't bring herself to scold Kara, just waving a harmless finger around before snatching her hat back.
Lena and Kara had plans for the beach with the rest of their friends, but they were already running late.
"I might have to invest in one of those," Kara said.
Lena rolled her eyes, hat settling on her head, casting a shadow over her face.
"You look beautiful…" Kara added on.
Before Lena could respond Kara was leaning down to meet Lena's level, pulling her in for a tender kiss. Their lips meeting, noses brushing against each other.
It was short-lived as someone walked in behind them.
"Oh my God, gross!" Alex grimaced dramatically.
Lena peeked over Kara's shoulder, staring at the redhead who stood in the doorway, a smile on her face despite acting disgusted.
Kara was blushing and Lena would've thought she was sunburned if she didn't know better.
"Alright, come on, lovebirds." Alex turned on her heels and walked off, Kara and Lena following behind shortly after.
It didn't happen overnight, getting to know each other again, the forgiveness and healing, honesty and shared understanding.
There were times when it got rough, times that didn't make the process easy. But their love and longing was stronger than whatever bricks were thrown at them.
Because now they weren't strangers anymore, they weren't friends, though they took their time with that.
They were just two people in love.
Holding each other in their shared apartment, never apart for long even when they had busy days.
Moving along the kitchen swiftly to not bump into each other while their dinner filled the air.
Watching movies and falling asleep on the couch, regretting it later with a stiff neck.
Game nights with their friends sat around the coffee table, laughter erupting and conversation coming easy.
At the end of the day, it was worth it.