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Seonghwa stared at the white stick between his fingertips and felt warm drops of tears emerge from his eyes. How could this have happened? He was so confused and upset. What would Hongjoong think? What would his mother think? Heck, he was still so young, and now his life was completely ruined.
What would the teachers think of him? His classmates would undoubtedly laugh at him, make fun of him, and bully him to death. The madness within him became too much. He felt like screaming.
Yet his mind traveled to Hongjoong, and Hongjoong exclusively.
Ever since they've gotten together, they've never mentioned anything about wanting children in the future, so Seonghwa wasn't even sure if he'd want this baby. He could try for an abortion, but he knew it wasn't legal in his country, and the thought of killing a child was sickening to him.
Feeling his emotions come undone, he pulled at his hair and bit down on his hand as hard as he could. Forcing himself to restrain that buildup of emotions that would come tumbling out in seconds, he set all that frustration into the bite, knowing he would regret it later.
Shut up; you can do this. Just breathe.
Following his own instructions, he breathed in and out, releasing his pained hand from between his teeth. It looked gnarly, absolutely disgusting.
Fuck me.
. . .
Once his hand was wrapped up, he sat in silence upon arrival in his cozy bedroom. The curtains were drawn back, allowing the sunlight to peek through. He needed to tell Hongjoong, but he was afraid of his reaction, and knowing there was no alternative move, he began sulking.
This can't be right. He can't be pregnant.
Scooting off the bed, he went back to his drawer, where he haphazardly threw the test, uncaring if it fell or if it landed on the table as he wanted. It was the latter.
Taking it in between his fingers once more, he glanced over it, hoping for a sudden change, yet he could clearly see two prominent lines, marking that he was in fact pregnant. His heart soared, but not in a good way. He felt a bulging emptiness fill inside him, and he wasn't sure how to take it.
The news brought too much agony and too much fear. Anything could happen to him, be it during or after pregnancy. There could be complications with his everyday life and with his pregnancy too.
He had read many nightmare stories regarding complicated pregnancies where the babies were born with deformed bodies or simply died before they even came out. The risk was high for the carrier of the baby as well, which made it all the worse.
Now, instead of worrying about everyone's reaction, he worried about this unplanned pregnancy and the complications it could bring. His heart did some weird flips, forcing him to sit down to rid himself of his lightheadedness. Churning stomach, buzzing brain.
He felt so bad.
Bathroom now.
. . .
He stood in front of the familiar door of Hongjoong's home. For some reason, after a very long debate and a couple tears later, he ended up here. Talking about it in person was better than having to talk over text. It was never ideal, and Seonghwa couldn't find it in himself to do that to Hongjoong. That text could either be his first or last text to Hongjoong. Last being that Hongjoong would inevitably abandon him and the baby, first being the first ever text of Hongjoong accepting this and taking full responsibility as a father.
Thinking of the latter, his heart began quickening. It would be nice to have his boyfriend stay and enjoy this pregnancy with him. Well, he wasn't so sure he'd enjoy it personally, but at least having someone by his side would be nice.
Gosh, just shut your mouth.
Signing, he aligned his finger with the doorbell and pressed down.
Ding dong, it cried, causing a wave of anxiety to flood over him. This was happening. There was no turning back now.
He stood there for a few seconds, feeling his toes curl in when he heard footsteps coming closer. Holding his breath, he prepared himself, like he did earlier that morning when he came out of the shower with blotchy, tear-stricken cheeks. It had been a couple hours ago, and everything he once practiced was completely forgotten the moment the door opened.
Mrs. Kim opened the door.
Kim Eunhye, to be precise.
The woman looked to have gotten out of bed; her hair was matted to her forehead, and a large fluffy sweater that he believed belonged to Hana, her wife. An awkward smile appeared on his face.
"Oh, Seonghwa-ssi, I didn't expect to see you out of the house today. Hongjoong said you weren't feeling well these past few days." She leaned against the threshold, tightening her fluffy sweater around herself to provide extra warmth.
Timidly, Seonghwa shuffled his feet and stared at anything beside the woman before him. These neves ate at him as he thought of what might be her response to the news.
"I-I wanted to talk to Hongjoong about something. Is he here?" He asked, feeling sweat pour from his head.
Noticing his unease, Eunhye swiftly gestured him inside. "He's not here at the moment, but he'll be here soon after practice. Come wait inside." She said, placing both of her hands on his shoulders and gently pulling him inside.
Feeling an unfamiliar heat spread across his face, he awkwardly moved inside. The woman found his behavior odd. Usually, Seonghwa got along quite well with both her and Hana, but today his behavior was eerily out of place.
"Seonghwa-ssi, don't stress too much. I'm not gonna bite," she giggled, rubbing his tense shoulders to lessen the stiffness. "Take a seat, and I'll make some cocoa. You can take that blanket over there. It's so cold in this house." Once Seonghwa was seated on the sofa, Eunhye wrapped her sweater tighter around herself yet again before heading for the kitchen, as she said before.
Listening to her, he picked up the blanket and wrapped it over his legs, feeling the chilly air nip at him. It really was cold in here, and then he remembered the broken heater. That's why.
Curling up comfortably, he took out his phone and opened his chats.
I guess I'll tell mom and hyung.
He wasn't excited to tell them, but he knew he had to.
_______________
FAM
Hwa
I have something to announce
Don't hate me plz ๐ฅบ๐๐
Eomma
What did you do?
Bonhwa
What did you do?
Hwa
Don't do that you're making me nervous ๐ญ
I've been crying all morning, I don't feel like crying again
Bonhwa
Crying?!
Why! ๐ฅ๐
Eomma
Oh Seonghwa, dear ๐ฅบ
Tell us what happened
We won't be mad
Hwa
Are you sure?
Bonhwa
Depends honestly
Did you touch my stuff? ๐
Eomma
Bonhwa, this is not about you, Seonghwa, will you tell us dear?
Hwa
...
I don't know what to do ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
Bonhwa
I thought you topped Hongjoong!!
Hwa
WTF!!?
$%#โฌโฉโฉ#$%&*
Eh hem, you do realize, I AM PREGNANT RIGHT NOW.
SO NOW YOU KNOW!!!!!!
Eomma
I honestly thought the same...
Hwa
Eomma ๐ญ
Plz just tell me what I'm supposed to do.
Bonhwa
It's your fault. Deal with it ๐คทโโ๏ธ
Eomma
Stop with this idiocy, Bonhwa
Oh god, Seonghwa, this is a lot to take in
Did you tell Hongjoong?
Hwa
Not yet
I'm at his house rn but he's not here, so I'm waiting for him ๐๐
Bonhwa
Seriously, don't y'all use condoms?
Hwa
We DOOOO!!
I'm just as confused.
Eomma
Condoms are only 97% effective
This was how Seonghwa was born
Hwa
MOMโ๏ธ
Bonhwa
๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐ญ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ
Oh god, mom
We didn't need to know this, but, oh ๐ญ๐
Hwa
๐ฅฒ
______________
Turning his phone off once he saw Eunhye come back, he smiled sweetly, opening the blanket up so she could crawl in. He found that both Eunhye and Hana were similar to his own mother, which was why he felt so bonded with them and took them as his second and third mothers. So he didn't mind if they hugged him or sat a bit closer to him. There was no intimacy in it, they held a respectable distance.
Climbing under the fluffy blanket, Eunhye handed him the cocoa, just how he liked it. Sweet with tiny marshmallows. It always soothed his anxiety.
Settling herself in, she took a sip from her own cocoa and smiled his way.
"How are you feeling, honey? Hongjoong said you had caught a cold, and both me and Hana were concerned. She had even offered to pay you a visit to give you an examination, but work has been keeping her occupied." Sighing, Eunhye stared longingly at a family portrait on the wall, missing her wife.
Being a pharmacist, she was always busy, especially now that she has been assigned to the labs to test out medication. Hana was very excited about that, and Eunhye felt bad for wishing she'd just come home.
Shaking her head, she turned back to Seonghwa. The male was already looking in her direction. His gaze was soft and gentle, like it always was, which brought her aching heart comfort.
"She's too kind, but it's ok. I don't feel as bad anymore. My head hurts a little, and I feel nauseas but it's ok now." He smiled, taking a slow sip of the cocoa, feeling a marshmallow melt on his tongue. It was pure bliss.
Hearing the woman beside him sigh, he turned her way, raising a brow.
"Honey, is something wrong? You seem a little stressed today?" The kind woman asked, taking a sip of her own cocoa and expressing her concern through her eyes.
With a sad smile, Seonghwa racked up some courage. You've already told your family; it can't be too bad, hopefully.
So, taking a deep breath, he focused his attention on her, pulling out a peculiar item from his bag and handing it delicately over to her.
He felt bad that Hongjoong wasn't the first to know, but he desperately needed someone to give him advice. His family was there for him, yes, but he couldn't feel the necessary comfort to confide in them right now. He loved them and told them everything, but now he just wanted to push aside that burden and perhaps ask someone else. He's not being unfair to his family; he really wasn't.
Taking the object, Eunhye turned it around and gasped. Now this explained everything.
"Oh my. Oh, Seonghwa-ya." She glanced up, seeing him near tears.
Scooting closer towards him, she pulled him in for a hug, making sure to insert his head into the crook of her neck to bring him extra comfort. She couldn't imagine how he must've been feeling, so she didn't say anything. She let him cry out all those pent-up emotions.
"I-I don't know what to do." He sobbed, gripping tightly onto the blanket as if it were his lifeline.
With a hum of acknowledgement, Eunhye slowly lifted his head and looked him straight in the eyes.
"It's ok to not know what you're supposed to do. This is a surprise you weren't expecting, and anyone would react that way, but honey, you do realize the consequences of this, right?" Taking his hands into hers, she held them firmly against the soft fabric of the blanket. Her eyes held a sort of worry, one that made him feel way more insecure about himself and his choices.
He couldn't help it. The soft sobs turned into loud wails as he thought of what this might imply for his future.
I'm ruining Hongjoong's life. It's all my fault.
With a soft sigh, Eunhye brought him back into her arms and kept him close. She didn't mean for this to happen, and she's sure Seonghwa hadn't taken the news the way she meant it.
"Honey, it's ok. I know it'll be hard, but do this for me," she rubbed small circles onto his back. "Don't lose hope. Sure, this will change your entire life, but, Seonghwa, babies are miracles. It's a gift to create your own little human being. Many can't conceive, and it's sad. So, so sad, but the choice is yours, Seonghwa, whether you want this or not. No one can tell you otherwise. Not even Hongjoong, but I do think that you two need to talk about this more. Have you told him yet?"
"No." He shook his head, hiding further behind her shoulder.
Eunhye nodded, patting his back softly.
Suddenly they heard a car pull in, which meant Hongjoong was home. He jumped up quickly, saying a soft apology for startling Eunhye and wiping his eyes of any tears. Spotting the test on the blanket, he swiftly grabbed it and jammed it back into his bag once he heard keys in the door.
His heart pounded in his chest like a boxing match. Fear overtook him, and all he could do was stare at the TV before his eyes and try not to breathe.
"Calm down, honey; he won't do anything stupid." Eunhye assured him with a soft pat on the knee.
He nodded but couldn't get that sensation out of his chest.
Footsteps echoed down the hall after the door shut, followed by an exhausted sigh. The poor male went through so much already. He was only adding to that stress. Tears threatened to spill once more.
Once Hongjoong came into his line of sight, he nearly melted. He was so small and frail as he slicked his hair out of his face, still wearing his uniform, too tired to change out of it. The bags under his eyes were prominent from this angle. He hated himself already.
"Oh, Hwa." His face instantly brightened once his eyes graced the features of his lovely boyfriend.
Suddenly the exhaustion wore out as he ran towards him, not forgetting to greet his mother and give her a kiss on the cheeks before giving his boyfriend a warm kiss and a sweet hug. Seonghwa felt even worse.
"Aww, baby, you came to visit. I'm glad. I missed you so much." He muttered into his neck, softly pulling apart to place tons of kisses all over his face.
Eunhye watched fondly as her son expressed his love for his boyfriend. It always made her heart full.
"Hmm, Joongie, you're too clingy." He weakly giggled, pressing his hands onto his sides.
The male chuckled, digging his face deeper into Seonghwa's neck, smelling his sweet, rosy scent. This was his scent, and it drove him crazy.
"Well, I missed you, baby. How are you feeling? Oh, you were crying." He snapped out of his love-stricken haze once he saw his red puffy eyes, still fresh with unshed tears. It instantly broke his heart. His baby was in pain.
"You guys should have some privacy." His mother suddenly spoke up, to which he nodded. He helped his boyfriend up from the sofa with his cocoa and bag in hand before speed-walking towards his room.
He wanted to address this as soon as possible because his baby should never shed tears. He deserved to smile all day, every day.
Pulling him into the room, he closed the door and gently turned towards his boyfriend, holding both hands in his. The expression on his face was easy to decipher. His eyes were dilated, making them appear wider, while his eyebrows were pulled together forming a crease between them.
Seonghwa felt so bad.
"Baby what happened? Tell Joongie please." He asked, lifting his hands up onto his cheeks to observe him better. His face was completely red and puffy.
"Joongie, I think it's better for you to take a shower first. I'll tell you afterwards." He suggested, keeping his gaze trained on his uniform.
He didn't want to tell him immediately. He wasn't ready.
Raising a brow, Hongjoong began to visibly panic, possibly jumping to the worst case scenario ever.
"You're not breaking up with me are you?" The desperation in his tone hurt Seonghwa so much. He wanted to jump into his arms and hug all that pain away.
"No, no Joongie. It's not that, baby." He swiftly jumped into action, placing gentle kisses on his face.
It seemed to ease Hongjoong's worries as he allowed a few giggles to fall from his lips, but his shoulders were still tense. Seonghwa felt sick to his stomach.
"I swear it's not that, Joongie. Just go shower and I promise I'll tell you, ok?" Placing their foreheads together, taking in a waft of Hongjoong's sweaty odor, he didn't even care. He needed to make sure he was fully prepared for this.
Hesitantly, Hongjoong nodded his head, gently placing his hands on Seonghwa's waistโrocking them in a slow yet sweet pace. It was like they were slow dancing and it brought beautiful butterflies in his stomachโwhere their baby would be living in for nine months.
"Ok baby. I'll be quick so that we can talk." He responded after a brief moment of peaceful rocking.
Nodding in agreement, they released their hug to allow Hongjoong to take a shower. Swiftly jogging into the bathroom in his room, he made sure to waste no time.
As he did so, Seonghwa searched through his boyfriends closet, taking out a comfortable pair of pajamas and a clean pair of underwear. This was a habit he obtained over the years even before they began dating. Hongjoong usually forgot to do it himself so he took it upon himself.
Satisfied with his outfit choice Seonghwa sat down on his bed with the neatly folded clothes beside him. Many thoughts flooded through him as he debated how he was about to explain all of this. While at it, he downed the rest of his cocoa which had long gone cold, just like his blood at the moment.
That sensation of his blood running cold, the hairs on his neck that stood on end. It wasn't necessary, yet he couldn't help it. His entire body felt out of place with the foreign object inside his body at the moment.
My baby.
Curiously, he placed his hand down on his stomach and let himself feel. Inside his stomach there was a baby growing right now. His and Hongjoong's baby. It put a small smile on his face even though stress clouded his mind in bursts of flames but the thought still lingered.
Our baby.
Smiling, he slowly caressed circled on his clothed stomach and hummed soft tunes. Even through the stress he felt a strange calmness seep through him as he hummed. The baby would grow inside of him, make him look round and soft.
Giggling to himself, he heard the shower turn off. Hongjoong was coming out. Feeling the anxiety tumble back in, he prepared his bag, holding it tightly in his clutches. This was it. It was finally happening.
Hongjoong walked into the room with a towel wrapped around his waist. His body was flushed a beautiful pink tint, his face expressed some relief after the shower but it disappeared after coming in contact with his boyfriend.
He sat down beside him, unbothered with clothes, just needing to know what was bothering him so much.
"Baby, can you please tell me? I'm so worried about you." Lifting his leg up onto the bed, he brought Seonghwa closer and held his hands.
Taking in a deep, shaky breath Seonghwa glanced at him with a wavering stare. It made more bubbles form in Hongjoong's stomach.
"Seonghwa you're scaring me." His response came out like a mere whisper, a whisper of exactly that, fear.
It made Seonghwa feel way worse if that were possible.
"I-I... Hongjoong I'm... Gosh this is so hard." He stressed, taking his one hand from Hongjoong's hold and flicking his hair out of his face with trembly hands. A light layer of sweat graced his palms, making them all moist. He hated it.
"Shh, baby it's ok. Just breathe for me, ok." Moving his hand over to his waist, he gently caressed his aching sides.
Having nothing better to do, he listened, taking in a few breaths to help himself through the anxiety-inducing panic building within him. His mind grew hazy as he tried focusing, but tears began forming in the corners of his eyes.
Startled, Hongjoong brought him in.
"Oh baby, please don't cry. Oh god, Hwa." He grunted softly, digging his nose into his hair.
"You won't abandon me right?" Seonghwa asked which made him gasp in shock.
Pulling apart the hug he stared him in the eye, trying to find any sign as to where that came from.
"Hwa, I would never. Where is this coming from baby? I don't understand."
Hiccuping, Seonghwa wiped some tears from his face, trying his best to hold himself together but the tears wouldn't stop.
"Joongie," he sobbed out. "I'm pregnant."
Silence.
None said a single word after Seonghwa finally spoke that dreaded word. Pregnant.
He was pregnant. He had about three tests he took at home after a short debate of whether it was true or not, which in fact turned out to be true. It took him a long moment to process everything. Way longer to stop himself from crying, and he would definitely have a pounding headache later.
Even when his mind seemed to clear up, silence still protruded in the air, leaving a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. No, correction, leaving a tangy taste on his tongue as he felt his stomach churn with something forcefully rolling up into his throat.
Jumping up, he ran into the bathroom and dropped to his knees, allowing the sizzling hot substances out of his mouth that choked him, making it harder to breathe. More tears formed in his eyes as he choked on what he thought might be bile since he hasn't exactly eaten well that day.
Hearing footsteps hurrying his way, he felt two warm hands pushing his hair aside as he released all that was inside, which was nothing except bile. It burned his throat, bringing a painful sensation like blades being scraped out of his throat. This only brought more tears.
Once he finished, he flushed the toilet and sobbed over the bowl after closing it. He felt sick to his stomach and wanted to cry until his eyes gave out, but Hongjoong spoke up.
"Hwa, baby don't cry," he knelt beside him and kissed his forehead. "Gosh, this is so unexpected, baby, so very unexpected," he laid his head gently against Seonghwa and kept it there for comfort.
He hoped it was enough to keep him at ease, even just a little bit, though he sighed after the whole thing fully processed in his head. This was gonna be hard.
"Joongie, I'm sorry." He sobbed, clutching tightly onto his shirt in hopes of keeping him near. He couldn't leave him, not now.
"Baby, it's not your fault. Please don't apologize, it takes two to make a baby and I'm here for you. Whatever you decide, I'm on board. If we're having this babyโwhich is your choice since it's your bodyโthen I'll be here. You can't push me away. We'll go through this together. I love you too much to ever leave." He spoke the words so delicately in his ear, as if he were speaking to a small child.
It made him tingle and sob even harder into his chest.
Relief washed over him as he allowed his emotions to quell him. This was so good.
"I'm not going anywhere, ok? I'll stay with you through thick and thin baby." Kissing his forehead, Hongjoong brought him closer.
This moment felt so special. Finally letting his emotions come to a rest, letting himself enjoy his boyfriends touch and promise.
"Joongie..." he whimpered. "I wanna... keep it..."
"Then we'll keep it. We'll become great parents, yeah?" Hongjoong didn't think twice as he responded with love and joy, planting another heartfelt kiss to his head, nose, cheeks and lips.
Seonghwa has never felt so loved before.
But Kim Hongjoong was just above all else.