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As he stood pumping gas on the car his family lent him whenever he visited, black beanie covering his still coloured hair, he realized how easy it still was for him to move around under the radar of the general public, or paparazzis.
The fact he was wearing a scarf too, with the excuse of the night cold being one he had grown unused to, was also helping. But it only made him wonder how much he’s missed by living in Los Angeles during the last years.
He misses his family, and the weird sensation of freedom it gives to drive around the highway, finding tiny towns like the one he was in at that moment, and walking around where no one knew him. They were getting big, more known. Blurryface had an unexpected yet embraced jump into the charts, it was crazy, it was exciting, it was proof that everything they were working towards was becoming real, that it was already a viable path and not just a dream, it proved that his belief and fascination for the band was well directed, it was right. And he was incredibly grateful for being part of it.
However, it was clear that what Josh thought was not the same as Tyler’s views on the whole thing, for once.
Tyler saw the weight that now rested in their shoulders, the increase in responsibility their words had, what they now owed to their fans, how the lenses of the world are now more focused on them, the dangers of getting so famous so quickly, the anxiety-inducing growth in their band’s schedule, the new outsiders’ expectations at the edge of their path, one that for a long time felt like a two people dream, maybe 3 or 4 at most.
He wondered if that disconnection in the synchronization of their minds was a result of the distance Josh himself created by moving to what felt like the other side of the country. He likes to think it wasn't, that it’s just one of the things they naturally see differently, that Josh seeing this with excitement and pride wasn't much different from Tyler's worries and doubts, that they were, at their cores, the same distribution of emotions as when they just started playing together.
But every time he talks or sees Tyler, it feels like there’s a river between them that keeps growing: it’s proof of prosperity, because it’s not overflown, since each of them takes care of their side, making sure it’s got a direction, and it’s clear water, rich in what it brings, and yet every time he looks to the other side where Tyler’s always stood, it feels like reaching him is getting harder and more difficult.
First it was Tyler closing off when Josh first moved, taking longer than usual to reply to his texts, him starting to not pick up his video calls and then normal phone calls. At first because he was clearly torn by Josh’s decision (which…admitedly it took him a while to realize) and then because both of them were legitimately busy with composing, promotion and handling the press.
Then it was seeing how much Tyler would go into some sort of shell of his own self, how he felt like a puppet on strings of his own self when reuniting again, before those invisible strings ended up being cut again by sheer exposure.
The time windows of interviews and traveling from city to town to precinct to radio show felt the most normal to Josh, it felt like he wasn’t actually losing Tyler, because he would arrive at the starting point wearing clothes that were barely Tyler, speaking less, or clearly taking care of how much he spoke. He would be unusually still instead of twitching, moving around in his seat or with the occasional head movement. Yet as they spent more time together, laughed again, spent hours awake catching up and took the rust off from each other’s knowledge, the same boy Josh dropped everything for years back resurfaced.
He started flapping his hands, moving more when playing, stopped being as careful during interviews yet still giving answers full of meaning and message, laughing at the smallest thing, muttering under his breath while writing songs drafts and not caring Josh was there.
It was like breathing again.
Jenna had once or twice managed to get Josh alone before the two of them had to be away for whatever reason, and cryptically telling him to take care of their Tyler, that he needed the time away, and to not let him worry about her. She would sometimes give specific instructions, like “let him slap his head if it’s out of excitement or happiness, but not out of frustration” or “take him shopping, walk even in the women’s section and if he asks say you lost a bet with me. let him wander”.
On a different time somewhere in June, both looked exhausted, drained from energy and Tyler was particularly clingy to Jenna, yet he seemed to want Josh to be close to. It was odd, since Josh was the more touchy one, yet it wasn’t out of the ordinary for him to ask for physical contact with his body alone.
But something seemed to stop him, frustrating him.
Jenna had mouthed something about family and them being pissy about the month of June.
Josh sat as close as he could without trapping Tyler, yet giving him the comfort of being surrounded by Jenna and himself. Eventually he leaned on Josh, none of the three of them speaking a word until Tyler felt better and started talking about concepts he had for songs.
Josh knew Tyler was a very conflicted person about his faith, it was kind of everywhere on his early songs, and he also knew most of said conflict had to do with the contradiction of what the scriptures said, what he heard at his church, what he saw his religion could be, and what his family demanded.
He also learned thanks to Jenna how the two of them found each other like a stone table was taken off their backs when they started knowing each other, because even if their families like to think it was a “couple made as God said” and both coming from “proper Christian families” the two found a chance to be and grow and embrace who they are without that always present judgment.
So he was pretty sure that whatever form of shrinking Tyler suffered before each time they had to get together and travel and work and do what they loved was at the hands of his family and whoever else that entailed.
What he didn’t want to think about much, was the idea of the catalyst being himself, that every time Tyler’s family learned he was going away again with his music and Josh someone found the opportunity to say something to him, drill another hole into him about how he’s wrong and needs fixing.
Tyler never truly…told Josh what, but it was clear enough to him to not ask and just let the other be free and happy.
As he kicked a pebble out of the way, he felt all the frustration at past him for now pushing a bit more, because then all the tentative ambiguous talks they had could have been made with more intent, a clear outcome being the goal, and maybe, just maybe, Tyler would had agreed to moving to L.A. with him.
The ugliest part of himself wondered, if that was the case, if that’s how their life had gone, if Jenna wouldn’t even be a part of the picture.
He cringed at that, guilt and shame hitting him at once. He liked Jenna, he truly did. He still allowed him and Tyler to be as stuck together as they needed, she was fun and brilliant to have around and someone Tyler clearly needed in his life.
The car was filled with gas at that point, so Josh got into it and started to drive again, getting away from the eerily empty gas station, realizing that the sun had finally gone down while he was filling the tank.
Josh thought about the three of them moving, and while that still sounded fun, just in a different way, the feeling of guilt prevailed, yet for a different reason.
Maybe it was his fault Tyler was so torn, so tired of having to rebuild and take down a facade over and over. Maybe he did abandon Tyler, maybe it was a real mistake and he shouldn’t have gone to Los Angeles, or maybe he should have insisted on them going together. Maybe his younger self should have applied more pressure, not to break Tyler, but to crack the chains around him, snapped not at him but the ropes around his neck.
He started to look for a place to park and get out of the highway, because the more he thought about it, the more moments being remembered where he could have said this or that, the more talks he realized he missed that could have lead them both down a different path in their relationship outside the band, or the more he remembered when he chickened out of just confessing all he felt, the more he started spiraling.
He got out of the car, breathing heavily, tears clouding his eyes, feet taking him further away from the car until he found a patch of mostly dried grass to lay on, the stars on the sky blurry due his unshed tears yet brighter because of them.
And that contrast is what did it.
He laughed at the contradiction of something looking more beautiful because of the anguish he found himself on, because sometimes that's how he felt about Tyler.
He was so close to him, bright when creating, radiating joy when he laughed, bringing a soft bittersweet sense of protection to Josh himself when the other shared some of his worries and heavy thoughts, because he wanted to be able of sharing the pain and have the ability to help him in a way that made sure whatever was troubling Tyler wouldn't be a thing anymore.
Tyler's pain, hurt, self-esteem, love and general sense of confusion at things in life were the source of many beautiful songs, lyrics and melodies conveying the internal struggles born from beliefs he was raised with or sometimes the troubles he faces against the system. A few are more like stories, but there's always a bit of inspiration from something, some time or place. Even someone.
Josh wondered which ones were about himself, nowadays.
He can guess a few, but he's never sure, not nowadays. At first Tyler did share with him the information of the songs he was the inspiration for, what words thrown at him carved into song lyrics and which memories the emotions he tried to transform in instrumentals.
Josh…is not sure when he lost that privilege. Or not why specifically.
He guesses the L.A. time was part of it, as well as Tyler's marriage and reducing his social circle to his family for a bit as well.
Josh covered his eyes, groaning in frustration at himself for leaving Tyler alone, in a sense, but also at Tyler himself for losing the progress that had cost him so much for years.
He thought Jenna would be enough of a support to not let Tyler regress, because she adored Tyler dressing pretty, or sharia clothes, not to mention she didn't agree with many things about “masculinity and femininity" they had been taught at church.
Guess it was a team effort.
And yet Tyler didn't seem to realize Josh wasn't, couldn't stay inside the metaphorical house with him all the time to free him from those blinds covering his eyes.
Josh removed them already, and he would every time he could, but if Tyler refused to open his eyes and see the mess around him and walk out of the place adamant in putting them every time they could, it was going to erode them both at the edges.
Josh didn't like what he saw becoming of Tyler, and he was sure past Tyler would also be sad and enraged even at seeing future him taking a step forward and then two backwards, while three forward and two back is the peace he was at before.
Josh would call out from the outside, waiting for him to open his eyes and walk out. He would sign for him to follow his voice, no matter that made him siren-like, not caring others said he would be luring him to his own demise.
He knew better, Jenna knew better. Tyler had experienced better. They all knew how Tyler looked and sounded when thriving and as happy as life allowed you to be while having to still work.
So he would just…wait on the other side of the mirror, so when Tyler decides to look at his reflection, he can see what could be, what still can be if he decides to walk out the door.
He knows he was wrong.
He won't drive him away again. He won't let him down. Not again.
He will be there. He will look out for him.
Always.