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You don’t find it son. You make it.
Buck can’t make sense of his mind. He hasn’t been able to for a while.
He assumes his slow descent started when Shannon’s doppelgänger showed up at the station looking for Eddie. He knows it took a big drop when Chris left. It went steep when Tommy left. That it plummeted when Eddie left. It flipped when Tommy implied Eddie was competition and Buck was in love with him and he is anything but straight. It accelerated when Maddie insinuated he was in love with Eddie. It went six feet deep and was buried in the earth with Bobby.
If Buck was honest, he’d say it probably started long before any of that. But in being honest, it would mean he’d have to admit he wouldn’t be able to pinpoint the event that started it.
Getting jealous of Eddie hanging out with Tommy? Getting struck by lightning and dying and then waking up never knowing if he’s living in reality and not some fucked up skewed nightmare? Feeling awkward after acting like an overprotective father when those escaped convicts threatened Chris? Being told he’d be Christopher’s legal guardian if anything were to happen to Eddie? Watching Eddie get shot in front of him? The whole lawsuit debacle? A bomb going off and trapping him under the engine? Losing Christopher in a fucking tsunami? Being fired from being a firefighter?
You don’t find it son. You make it.
His sister leaving him? Being alone for a decade, floating through the world and through the motions? Not getting affection unless he was broken?
Being born? Not being the saviour he was meant to be?
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Why was he so fucked up? Why has he always been so fucked up? What was wrong with him? Will he ever be okay?
There’s too many moments. Too many options. Too many downs that the ups only feel like flukes now - especially in hindsight.
Buck can’t choose, decide, understand, figure out, decipher. He never will. He just knows he’s on a wayward spiral like the wayward boy he’s always been.
Always will be. Floating through the world and through the motions.
But now, the source of his pain should be a source of happiness.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
It’s hard. Bobby is dead. Eddie is back. Christopher is back. Maddie had a healthy and happy birth and, so far, postpartum. His new nephew is the cutest, roundest baby. His niece is sunshine reincarnated. He’s confirmed in the life of his younger brother and sister. So many goods, somehow none are enough to outweigh the overwhelming sense of bad. But, as Athena and Hen say, Buck will Buck. He will survive no matter what, no matter how deep he goes or has been.
Even though he knows he will survive, this time he doesn’t know how.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Because Eddie and Chris are back. This family that is his. His unit. His home.
They’re back, which means in the house at 4995 South Bedford street holds all three of them.
Buck and Eddie split rent, Buck and Eddie and Chris split the chores, eat as a family, hang out as a family. Buck can’t survive this.
This is temporary.
It’s always temporary.
Everything is temporary.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
He needs to get out. He can’t lose this. He can’t lose them. He can’t handle temporary. Not with Eddie and Christopher.
Buck and Eddie fight so much nowadays, too much grief and blame and fear and not enough therapy to be normal. Their main form of communication being petty comments and quips followed by Christopher’s side eye and diffusal of the situation, which is always easy to diffuse because yeah they were having a useless fight about something so small it will never matter again.
Buck can’t lose them. He’s losing them. It’s like he’s already lost them.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
When Buck tells Eddie he’s looking for a place to live and he can move out to Maddies in the meantime if Eddie needs him to, Eddie doesn’t react how he thought.
It led to a fight.
Buck thought he’d be grateful for some space. But Eddie yelled at Buck, telling him he doesn’t want or need him to move out. That there’s no rush. Like Buck hasn’t been imposing. Like Buck hasn’t been taking up space.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
They have the same conversation on loop for several weeks after that fight. At the station, on the couch at their home, in the car on the way to and from work, at the grocery store.
“You can never impose on us Buck.” “Buck, you’re not a burden.” “Me and Chris are perfectly fine now, you don’t need to give us space to figure things out.” “Why are you so hung up on this, man? You don’t have to leave.”
But he has to. Buck has to leave before this is ruined too.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
It’s harder when Chris joins in.
“Buck, why would you leave now? What’s the rush?” “We love you, you know that right?” “Bro, we get to play COD basically every day. Why are you trying to give that up?” “I know dad can cook now, but I still like the way you make Bobby’s lasagna better than anything else.” “How are you supposed to teach me how to cook if you leave?”
But this is not Buck's choice. If he had his way, he’d never leave these four walls unless it was to go to work or to see his family. Unfortunately, there’s conclusive evidence that Buck's life will always be in a downward spiral. He can not let that include Chris and Eddie ever again. It can’t happen.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
The memory rings in his head on loop every time Eddie or Chris try to convince him he can stay. They want him to stay. There’s no rush.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
But he can’t let himself think he can make it here. Eddie is straight. He can’t make it here. There’s no making it here. All that will happen is an implosion of all he cares about, of all that anchors him down. To all that keeps him afloat.
He’s already sinking, he needs to keep his face above water. Why can’t they let him keep his face above water? He needs to get out of here.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
It’s all Buck can hear as he’s packing his things that have made themselves home in 4995 South Bedford Street long before Chris had been gone to move a storage unit, Eddie and Chris watching him carefully some time after they return from El Paso for good. He balances a careful smile on his face as he lets this space, the one he finally claimed as his own, slowly morph back into Chris and Eddies. As he gets rid of all evidence that he was there. All evidence he plagued the house with.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
It’s all Buck can hear as he’s scrolling listings at night on Eddie’s couch, because if he doesn’t do it at night, under the quiet of the dark, Eddie or Chris will have some excuse to talk him out of this. If he does it in the daylight, he’ll get a lecture from Eddie or Chris or Maddie or Chim or Hen or Ravi. And he’ll believe them in the sunlight. He’ll sacrifice his sleep if that means getting out of this house faster. He can’t let them implode. He can’t lose them.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
It’s all he hears as he’s fighting with Eddie in the kitchen once again, insisting he doesn’t want to impose. He will not impose. He refuses to ever become too much for Eddie. No it’s okay, he can go somewhere new. He can pick up and move. He’s done it before, but at least now he gets to keep most of the roots he’s planted and grown and fostered and watered and nurtured. Buck can move, because none of this was ever really his. It can feel like his, but it’s not. It’s Eddie and Christopher’s. They let him in - once, twice, too many times, and now anytime he goes out the door his heart breaks a little.
But he can run again. He still has his job and he has his sister this time!
They’ll always welcome him in. But Buck will always overstay his welcome.
He will not overstay his welcome here. He can’t. Because that means he will lose the family he loves most. He will not lose them.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
It’s all he can hear when Eddie grabs him by his shoulder, thumb to Bucks collarbone, the other hand waving around gesturing to the house.
“This is yours Buck! Ours! I don’t know how many times me and Chris can say that before you can believe it. This house became home the moment you stepped foot in here and made it one. Helped me and Chris settle in and be comfortable and happy and stable here. Not just LA. But this house. Don’t leave. We lived here for months before you stepped foot in here, and it didn’t feel like home until you would barge in whenever you’d want!”
“Eddie I can’t-” Buck tries. He really tries. He’s out of fight to attempt to push through his non-explanation explanation of why he needs to leave so Eddie won’t again.
“Oh save it man. You were never a guest here Buck. You never saw it that way before. What’s changed now?” Eddie pauses. Takes a deep breath, studying Buck’s reaction. The way he flinches at the reminder that everything has changed. The way he moves back from Eddie's hold.
Buck steadies his breath. Rolls his shoulders back. Plasters on a broken smile, willing the tears in his eyes not to fall. Not now. Not yet. “I think. Hm. I am going to sleep at Maddies tonight okay?” Buck forces out. He can hear how shaky his voice is. He looks down at the kitchen counter and gently swipes his hand over it, reliving so many memories. He forces himself to keep looking there as Eddie slumps into one of the dining room chairs. “Most of my stuff is in the storage unit already, so don’t worry I will be out of your hair after our next shift.”
Eddie follows Buck as he walks to the living room to grab his duffle bag pleading, “Buck. Please. I- we- I don’t want you out of my hair. Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve been saying?”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
And Buck can’t breathe because Eddie sounds so sincere, but he can’t be here right now.
“Eddie. I won’t- I am not leaving forever. I still have my key and I will still use it. I’ll still come over after shift. We will still have game night, movie night, dinner, lunch, breakfast. I’m not going anywhere.” He finishes with a huff, grabs his duffle bag he now keeps constantly prepared and starts making a run for it.
Just as he gets his hand on the front door-
“Why can’t we do that from here?”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Buck can’t be here.
“I’ll come by tomorrow morning for breakfast and get Chris to school. You have your optometrist appointment at 9:30.”
He’s out the door before Eddie can finish calling his name.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
He doesn’t know how long he sits in his car. He got in and drove out of the driveway, pulled away just up the block, and then shut the car off. He doesn’t know how long he sits there, silently crying with nothing running through his head.
He can’t fault Eddie for trying, his phone is buzzing like crazy with his specific ringtone.
But Buck can’t be faulted for trying either.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Is all that runs through his head, driving on autopilot to his sister's house.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Just as he’s parking on Maddie’s street, not completely sure what happened on the drive - distantly acknowledging the indifference on the fact that he made it in one piece - Buck’s pulled out of his daze by Christopher's ringtone coming out of his phone.
At first he’s worried that the boy isn’t asleep before he realizes the sun hasn’t fully set yet. It's barely past 6pm when he checks the time on his phone. Why was he so tired?
You don’t find it son. You make it.
“Hey Chris, what’s up?” Buck shoots out, ease in his voice. It’s always easy to talk to Chris, save for when it's not about-
“I don’t understand Buck.” The way Christopher spits out his name burns more than leaving the front door of 4995 South Bedford. “I don’t understand why you’re leaving when we just got back. We miss you.”
Buck chokes back a sob. “I miss you guys too.” It's broken and raw, it's honest, it's too much. He’s too much.
“Then why won’t you stay?”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Buck starts crying then, because Christopher sounds like he’s crying and he just can’t handle being the cause of that. “Because I have to, kid."
“No you don’t! We want you here! You don’t have to go!”
Buck can’t do this.
“Chris you don’t have to yell- please- I’m not-”
“Buck. Please.” Christopher begs him over the phone.
Buck cries more, audibly chokes on his tears. “I’m not leaving. I won’t be gone. You guys need your own space. I can’t sleep on the couch forever, y’know? I’ll be there in the morning to make breakfast and I’m taking you to school. Even if you still hate me in the morning. That’s what I’ll be doing. Even if you’re mad at me in 72 hours, I’ll be over to eat dinner and play games. I- I’m not leaving. I just have to move out. I’m not- we’re not-” Buck sighs. He can’t do this.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
“Fine. Whatever. Move out. Do what none of us want.”
All Buck hears after that is the hang up tone and then nothing but his own sniffling.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Buck takes a few deep breaths. Wipes his face. Rolls his shoulders. Swipes his fingers along the steering wheel of his car. He should probably look in the mirror before leaving the car and walking into Maddie’s house, but he can’t stand to look at himself right now.
He realizes he should have just done it anyway when he waltzes into the Buckley-Han household with a crafted smile and runs into Maddie who can see clear through his facade.
What’s not a facade on him these days anyway? What does it matter for today?
“Hey Mads! Where’s Jee and Junior? Uncle Buck needs some hugs.” He says loud and cheerfully enough for Jee to hear his voice from wherever she is in the house.
At this point, Maddie doesn’t even question why Buck is over unannounced. Well, not until the kids and Chim have gone to bed.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
He’s being too much. He knows he is. But at least he also knows Maddie won’t leave him again. That this is not his family so he can’t destroy it. That Chimney has got to have at least some knowledge of what's happening and hopefully sympathizes with him.
“Uncle Buck!” He hears as little footsteps bang through the house. He crouches down to let her run into him and wrap her arms around his neck. It’s almost everything he needed. “Are we having another sleepover?” She asks innocently. Excitedly. She loves him.
Why does anyone love him?
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Maddie clears her throat, getting Buck out of his head enough to notice Jee squirming to be let go. “Yes, Uncle Buck, are we having another sleepover? It seems we have one half the time you’re off shift.” She asks pointedly, eyebrow raised. Arms crossed. Hip cocked. He’s really in for it later.
Maybe there is a too much for Maddie.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
The time he spends at Maddie’s goes by in a blur. He cuddles his nephew as Jee makes the three adults play Nail Salon. They eat dinner. He reads Jee a story like he used to with Chris, but he lets Chimney negotiate with her about actually going to sleep and laughs at how fast he gives in to anything she asks for. He puts Junior down for the night, lays on the floor saying nothing for once so that Maddie and Chimney can get a moment of silence with each other before he monopolizes her time.
He almost falls asleep to the steady beat of Bobby’s - hm - Juniors breathing and occasional grunts. He almost gets out of another looped conversation he wants no part of. He can’t do it again. Not another one today.
His walls are broken enough where he might tell the full truth. The drowning and the spiral and the thing he won’t say to himself, because then it’s true and he won’t stop himself from saying it out loud to the next person that questions him. The truth others have said that he can’t deny tonight.
He’s almost free to sleep on the soft carpet in a Navy Blue room that only reminds him of Eddie when-
“Buck.” Maddie whispers. “Chimney got a call from Hen. He’s going over to her house for a bit, so let’s go talk.” When Buck makes no move, she huffs and walks to him. She grabs his arm and, with no fight from him, pulls him up. “Up. Bed. Now.” She demands as they walk through the living room.
“Bed? Maddie no, I don’t want-”
“-To impose. Bullshit Buck. Chim offered to sleep on the couch today. You haven’t slept on a bed that's not a cot at the station for a month. No more couches. Not tonight.” She stops right before her room door, pulls him into a hug and kisses his forehead. “Buckley sibling sleepover.”
She extends her pinky. He hooks his with hers.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
He’s on autopilot as he's pushed into bed, tucked under the covers, and then tucked under Maddie's arms.
Maddie waits for him to start, the pure picture of patience, as he just tries to control his breathing before he starts crying. He can’t avoid telling the truth in this conversation for a second time today so-
“Why has Chim gone to Hens this late?”
Maddie sighs and strokes his hair, her hand landing on his cheek. “Buck, it's not even 9.”
“Oh.” Buck is glad he's on his back, effectively saving himself of her eyes of truth serum from boring into his. “Uh well why’d he head over to Hens?”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
And Maddie is generous, so she feeds into his avoidance. Apparently, they have time.
“Something to do with some show or something they’re invested in. They’re best friends, and whatever happened in it required a house visit.” She chuckles, the implication of best friends doing something as little as coming over during the kids bed time just to talk about something that could have been a text goes unsaid. That it’s something him and Eddie would do, have done, will hopefully do again. “Can we talk about why you’re here?”
“Maddie I don’t want-”
“Enough Buck. You’re not a burden, please. Never to me. I want to know what’s going on with you. Always.” It’s said with so much certainty and love that Buck has to move away from her grip, shifting so he’s no longer laying in her arms.
He keeps on his back, even as Maddie shifts to her side to look at him. “I- hm. Mads. I don’t think I’m okay?” He stops to breathe and Maddie lets him. “Since before Bob- everything. I think always, but it's been bad since Christopher went to Texas. I think how crazy I went after Tommy left me was about other things, like I barely even knew the guy and, fuck Mads, I mean he called me Evan. Evan! Who does that? That isn’t you or mom and dad? And he drove me crazy dismissing everything I said or my research binges or whatever. I knew it wasn’t going to last. Like obviously I didn’t know that night.” He pauses his rant, breathing and bringing his hands together to ring them out. “Not the point I just- living with Eddie and his and Chris’ constant push back about me moving out is not helping.”
Maddie reaches for his hands, untangling them and retangling them with hers. “I understand why the fighting wouldn’t help. But why is living with Eddie not helping you? He’s your best friend and you love spending time with him and Chris. Wouldn’t living with him help lighten your load? Help give you time to get a grasp on things?”
Buck turns his head to look at his sister. He can’t avoid the truth again today. Her magic big sister eyes be damned.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
“Mads.” He shakily breathes out. “You said it first. Why it would not help me by staying there.”
“Buck, you have to say it. I can’t be the one to have said it-”
“I’m in love with Eddie.”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
He didn’t want to say it. He didn’t mean to say it. He has to go. Maddie has to follow.
“Buck no don’t go, come sit back down. Please just talk to me, I need to make sure you’re going to be okay-”
“Thank you for having me Maddie and thank you for listening to me but I have- have to go so, so I’ll see you.” He says as he runs out the door and into his car.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
When he pulls away, he drives to the next street before pulling over. Where does he go? He can’t go back to Eddie even though he’ll be welcomed in with open arms. He just left Maddie in the worst way possible. Where can he go?
You don’t find it son. You make it.
He can barely see his phone screen through his tears as he clicks on her contact. He can barely breathe through his greeting when she answers the phone.
“Buck? Hey what’s wrong- let me move to the next room. Hey breathe please. What’s going on?” May rushes out at hearing his laboured breathing.
“I’m sorry to call you like this, I- I- I- I just have nowhere to go right now. Sorry if I’m bothering you and you’re busy with people but can I stay at yours for the night?” He barely gets out in one breath.
“Buck yeah of course, it's never an issue I’m always here for you. Me and Harry are having a sleepover at moms but please come here.” Distantly he hears someone in the background agreeing with May as she whispers back.
“Sorry I’ll call Rav, I don’t want to be a burden-”
Mays scoff cuts him off. “Never Buck. Come over, moms already preparing a room for you and Harry is excited to talk about the game, whatever that may be.” She breathes out before bringing seriousness back into her voice. “Buck. Please, please, come over.”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
“Yeah… yeah I’ll be there soon.”
“I love you, you know?” May asks him before he can move to hang up.
“I know. I love you too.”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
When Buck makes it to the new Grant-minus-Nash house, he knocks on the door. Athena, Harry, and May all welcome him in with a hug. Small talk, late night snacks, a few trashy shows, and a nice bed to fall into to sleep off the hell of a day he had. No avoiding truths, no forced out truths, no not being okay. Just for a bit.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
When he wakes in the morning, it’s a blur of running out of the house with a kiss on the cheek from Athena, a drive over to Eddie’s house, making breakfast in silence, eating in silence, nodding goodbye to Eddie, driving Chris to school in silence, and suddenly being back at Athena's house.
He doesn’t even remember driving to Athena's house until a knock wraps onto his window and he sees her looking at him with a lopsided worried smile.
When he rolls down his window she says, “I didn’t expect to see you back so soon, not that I mind. I would just prefer it being in the house and not in my driveway.” in that Athena way that gets you to do things you don’t completely want to do.
“Sorry ‘Thena, I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t remember driving here.” And all that does is make her look of worry intensify.
“All the more reason for us to talk. In my house. Let’s go Buckaroo.”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
When they make it inside, Athena sits him down at the table and gives him time while she boils water to make them cups of tea. The cup she places in front of him is one he made during a family night, Bobby, Athena, Harry, May, and him all scattered around the living room with the home pottery painting set and watching trashy reality TV. Looking at it makes everything better and worse simultaneously. He brings his hands to the cup and just holds it closer to him. She sits across from him at the table.
“What’s going on, Buck?” It’s said so gently, soft eyes, soft voice. It’s too much.
Buck tries to breathe. “It’s been too much, for so long. Even before everything with Bobby you know? Everything is just piling on and getting overwhelming.”
“Since Christopher?”
And wow, Athena just always knows. Buck has always wondered why she never took that promotion to detective. “Uh- yeah. Yeah. I think that's when it started getting worse, but I- I think it's… always been there?” While he does love his sister, something about talking to Athena about this is easier. Lighter.
Athena sits back with her mug, takes a small sip while nodding. That gives him permission to take a sip of his own. “Buck, when you were in therapy before did your doctor give any diagnosis?”
This question takes him back. He never thought about this in this way. “No, she wasn’t- she was just a therapist so she couldn’t give me any diagnosis.”
At that Athena hums, tilting her head from side to side, clearly mulling a thought over. “Do you think you could tell me or pin point what right now is making it so overwhelming?”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Buck can’t breathe.
Buck can do this.
“Living with Eddie.”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
The room freezes at his confession, Athena clearly not expecting that to be the cause - which is fair and understandable because he and Eddie have always been inseparable. “Is there something specific about living with him? If it's something manageable, talk to him. You know he’d do anything to help you-”
“I can’t fix this ‘Thena.” He’ll repent for cutting her off later.
“Can’t fix what?”
He places his cup down and stares into her eyes, pleading to not say it. Please you have to know so I don’t have to say it- she makes him say it. “I’m in love with him.” Barely audible. Choked out. She hears it anyway.
“Oh, Buck.” Athena breathes out as she rounds the table to pull him into a hug. He just lets her hold him, breathing her in. After a while, she lets him go and sits beside him keeping a steady hand on his arm. “How about this? It’s an option, all your choice okay?” Athena waits for Buck to nod before continuing, “What if you stay with me for a while? Hm? Just until you’re feeling better and can find your own place?”
That sounds- that sounds good.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Buck can breathe.
Buck can do this.
“Yeah. Yeah, thank you, that sounds great.”
Eddie’s ringtone sounds out, breaking Buck out of the small world Athena created where he felt okay. He felt okay here for a moment. Maybe he can let himself feel okay forever.
As he’s about to check Eddie’s text, he notices the time. Shit. “Uh, I have to go for my shift. It starts in like an hour.” He gets up and starts for the door, his duffle still in his car from the morning.
“Buck, how about I drive you today? Hm? We can talk more - about you moving in or about how you’re feeling.” Athena offers before he can make it to the door.
And maybe in the end, Buck doesn’t impose. He isn’t a burden. Just maybe.
He turns to her and smiles. “Yeah, I’d like that. Thank you.”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
During the ride, Buck answers Eddie’s text.
Eddie
I’m leaving for our shift. Not sure where you are.
Are you coming home before? Should I wait?
I see you’re at Athenas…
Okay I’m leaving. Should I tell Chim to expect you?
Hey sorry Athena is driving me to shift
See you there 👍
Athena also decides for him the logistics of Buck moving in. When, how, who. She also tells him she’s going to spend the day going through the department for a therapist and set up an appointment for him as soon as possible.
She does say Buck has to talk to Eddie himself though. He doesn’t know how to do that right now. It took him five minutes to send those two basic texts. How is he supposed to talk to Eddie about all of this? Especially without giving him the reason why he needs to move out.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
He thanks Athena, sending her off with a hug, before walking into the station. He is a bundle of nerves.
Buck spots Eddie in the changeroom, meeting his eyes before quickly looking away and heading to Chim's office. Seeing the door open, he ducks in and closes the door.
“Chim, you got a minute?”
Chimney looks up from his paper work, taking in the sight of a nervous Buck, with a blank face. “Always for you, Buckaroo.”
“Haha, very funny.” Buck dryly laughs out, sitting down when his captain gestures. “So, I stayed at Athena’s yesterday. I forgot to text Mads, I hope she wasn’t worrying.”
Chimney scoffs, “Bud, she would have been nervous even if she knew where you’d run off to. You didn’t really leave her in the best way.”
At that, Buck freezes. “She- she didn’t say anything to you did she?”
“No, don't worry. You Buckleys keep your secrets away from me. I can't handle it.” He says as he shakes his head with a tiny smile. “What’d you come in here for today, Buck?”
“Right uh, so I talked with Athena this morning. And. It- I should be man behind this shift?”
Chimney's face twitches, he catches himself before he can show his shocked expression. Buck knows he’s been working on being more professional. “Oh? And why is that?” His voice is laced with concern and confusion.
Buck can do this.
“I just can’t trust myself. I guess. Right now.” It’s not the full truth, but it’s all he can admit right now.
Chim drops the professional attempted look of passiveness and lets his face drip with concern. “Thank you for telling me that. Do you want to go home? We can survive one man down until someone comes in-”
“No. Sorry, thank you but no. I uh need to be here right now.” Buck says as he looks down at his hands, forcing his voice to be neutral. Like this doesn’t kill him.
“Of course. You go get ready and I’ll do a pre-shift announcement letting everyone know that they don’t have extra jobs today unless they see it needs to be done. You’re good to do it all?”
“Yeah. Thank you, Chimney.” Buck says, as he stands to go get ready.
“Anything for you. You’re my brother.”
“Do you mind not telling Maddie? I’ll- I’ll talk to her after shift. It’s just been- yeah.”
“I promise to try.” Chim laughs out as he stands to head out to call everyone to the loft.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
The shift is slow. Buck does his side jobs, cleaning the windows of the locker room, washing the laundry, cleaning the engine, counting stock. Sometimes Eddie joins him in silence. Sometimes he notices the stares Hen, Chim, Ravi, Eddie, everybody sends his way. But the shift goes by. A monotonous 48 hours of cooking, cleaning, and small talk to get by.
At the end of shift, he’s got a text from Athena saying she’s on her way to pick him up and take him straight to his new therapist, Dr. Cooper, for his first appointment. He has time to wait for her so he sits in the empty locker room, zoning out. He doesn’t notice the door opening, doesn’t notice the person sitting beside him.
“Hey.” Eddie says softly, shocking him out of his trance. When Buck looks up he continues, “I was waiting for you at the car. I could stop at Athenas on the way home to grab yours?”
Eddie is sweet, and kind, and generous, and gorgeous, and-
Buck can do this.
“Sorry, I forgot to tell you. Um. So.” Buck pauses to take a breath. “I’m going to be staying at Athena’s for a little bit- and before you say anything please listen.” He manages to get out before Eddie can interrupt. “Athena is setting me up with a therapist. We decided together that it’s best if I stay with her right now. It's not- I’m not okay? And I know you care and want to help. But it won’t help me that I’ll feel like a burden. Even if I know I’m not, even though I know that you don’t think I am.”
When Buck gathers the courage to look up, he can tell Eddie is holding himself back. Shoulders scrunched up, face pinched, fingers gripping the bench. He breathes before he talks. “Okay. That’s- Buck if that’s what you need. But I need you to talk to me? Okay? Don’t disappear.” Eddie’s hand lands on his shoulder and squeezes.
Buck lets out a wet laugh. “I could never disappear from you, from Chris. Shit. I forgot about dinner and games. Can you apologize to him for me? I have- I have, shit I have my first appointment with the therapist today. I don’t know if it's best for me to come straight from there. I don’t-” Buck can’t breathe. Eddie shifts his body to him, squeezes his shoulder harder. “Eddie.”
“Buck, it’s okay. He’ll understand.”
“Eddie, you don’t get it. He was so mad the other day when I left. Did you hear him on the phone? I can’t-”
Eddie’s scoff cuts him off. “If anyone gets it, that’d be me. Just breathe. Tomorrow is Saturday. Come over any time. Okay?”
Buck can breathe. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Okay. So, see you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow.”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Therapy was fine. Dr. Cooper seems nice, Buck could see himself talking to her. It wasn’t much. Just a quick 30 minute introduction and a discussion on what immediate issues he wants to tackle because that’s what she could fit at such short notice. Her system is apparently synced with the many first responder agencies schedules so the office can give him a few options for appointment times. She wants to start with him twice a week, said he can decide after the first appointment after seeing his hesitation to agree.
Buck thinks this could be good.
Athena drives them to her house, she talks about interesting cases she’s worked recently and funny ones that happened a bit ago. They curl up on the couch and watch a dramatized detective show, laughing about their predictions and yelling about the inconsistencies in it. When Athena turns in for the night, she leaves him with a hug and a kiss on the temple.
He feels awkward sitting in the living room by himself. Out of place. It’s not his. He shouldn’t be here by himself.
Buck heads to his new room. Temporary room.
He knows it’s not always temporary. It’s hard not to feel it anyway.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Buck is already awake and cooking when Athena leaves her room to leave for her shift. They make small talk as they eat, and before Athena leaves she gives him a serious look.
“When I get back tonight we’ll talk some more, okay?”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Buck finds himself sitting in his car on his side of the driveway of 4995 South Bedford street, too nervous to head inside and face the music. Too nervous to talk to Eddie, bare his soul before he’s ready. Too nervous to face the wrath of an angry Chris.
He tightens his grip on the steering wheel, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and exits his car. He counts his steps as he walks to the front door.
Buck pauses. Would Eddie have left the door unlocked all day for whenever he’d be on his way? Should he knock or use his key? Shit he forgot to text Eddie he was on his way-
The door opening interrupts his whirlpooling thoughts.
“You said you’d be over for dinner and games last night.”
Buck looks up to see a lanky, cranky, pimple-faced Chris. God he’s getting older by the second. His voice came out croaky and angry and it burned Buck, making him flinch.
“Uh-”
Chris interrupts before he can start his excuse- no his therapist told him to stop dismissing this as an excuse.
“Dad said you might take a bit to come in, he went to get groceries for lunch. I saw you waiting in your car.” Then he just walks away. Buck takes that as a cue to come inside. “He also said you had something to tell us.”
After closing the door, he follows Christopher to the couch and decides not to sit too close. “Yeah. Um. It’s kinda hard for me to talk about, and I know you’re growing up but- buddy you’re still a kid, so I might be glossing over stuff.”
Chris just nods and ever so slightly shifts closer to him. Buck can’t fight the smile that comes to his face despite every other feeling he’s fighting to get through this conversation.
“A lot happened the past couple days. Or well, you know the last year and a bit. And it's kind of all just hitting me now. I guess. It’s been harder lately.” Buck looks away from Chris and clears his throat. “Don’t take this in a bad way, I don’t know how to word this. I love you. And I love your dad. Spending time with you guys is the best part of my life right now. But- I can’t live here. I know you like having me here, this isn’t me questioning that. Despite what you might think I have been listening to what you’ve been saying,” Chris scoffs out a laugh at that, “and I do appreciate you telling me that. It’s just really- hm- I am going to be moving out soon. I’ll be living with Athena for a bit.”
Buck decides to leave it there for now and looks back at Christopher, preparing himself if he had any questions about what he said.
Chris nods and takes his turn to look away. “I get that. And I get that you’ll still be here all the time, you’re not leaving us. What I don’t get is why you can’t get better here with us?”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Which. Yeah. Buck wonders the same thing. Well, he knows why. He just doesn’t know why he can’t ignore it and push it down anymore.
“There’s something I haven’t told you or Eddie yet. I don’t think I ever will, but this… thing kinda just- it won’t help to keep living here.”
“I think I know why.” Chris says quietly, tentatively, as he scoots over closer to Buck. He takes that as a cue to pull an arm around Chris and hold him close.
“Oh, psh, definitely, you’re smarter than every one of us combined.” Chris hugs him back as they both laugh. “You wanna tell me what’s going on in that head of yours? Like what you think my secret reasoning is or what I said before or anything else?”
“Stacey got a girlfriend.” Christopher shrugs, a hidden tone in his voice.
Buck just squeezes him once with a laugh and says, “Well that’s great for her, I’m glad she had the courage to come out. You said she was struggling a bit.”
“Mhm.” Christopher snuggles into his side more, burrowing under his arm, his elbow digging into Buck's rib. He wouldn’t have it any other way. “We never got to talk. About… everything. Me leaving. I missed you. I thought you had something to do with dad cheating on Marisol. I was mad. Then when he explained everything to me, I felt horrible. I’m sorry for leaving and not talking to you. It must’ve sucked when you only had Tommy to talk to.”
Buck laughs, really laughs, at that. “Kid, you’re way off base here. First of all, it’s crazy you think me and Tommy talked about anything of substance without him telling me it’s not my business or that I read too much into things. Trust me, he knows nothing and he is totally gone now. I have Maddie, don’t worry about me. Second, you never have to apologize to me for this. I missed you so much, but I understood why you left the way you did. It was a lot and you’re just a kid. I’ll love you no matter what.” Buck pauses to hold out his pinky. “We’re family.”
Chris brings his up to interlink their fingers together. “We’re family.”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Their bubble gets interrupted by Eddie walking around the couch to envelope the both of them in a hug. Buck lets out a surprised gasp. “Hey Eds, uh- when- when did you come in?”
Eddie pulls back, leaving a hand on each of their shoulders. “Not too long ago, Chris mentioned Stacey and her girlfriend.” He lets out a groan as he stands back up. “Okay boys, time to go make lunch.”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Lunch with the Diaz boys was everything Buck needed. Cooking, laughing, watching a telenovella, Eddie and Chris laughing at Buck's terrible accent, just being with them. But the tickling feeling in his veins starts settling in and his ears start to ring and everything starts becoming hard to ignore.
He really doesn’t want this to end. It's starting to hurt. This has to end.
Buck waits for a lull in the conversation they’re having, a debate over apple juice and orange juice. He claps his hands and lets out a small “welp” then Chris and Eddie laugh at his signature white boy exit. He goes through the motions of saying goodbye. Hugs, promises of seeing coming over after their next shift, another conversation by the front door, another goodbye.
Eddie waits at the door, watches Buck get in his car.
Buck drives off before he convinces himself that Eddie was staring at him the same way Buck does to Eddie.
He leaves before he can be selfish and ruin it all.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
When he gets back to Athena’s house, he realizes he should have left when he felt like his veins were on fire and his fingers were getting tingly. It has spread through his chest and the echoing in his head got to the point where he can’t even hold a thought, there’s just nothing. Numb.
Walking into the house on his own, using his own key, is hard. Dropping his key into the bowl, seeing it next to Athena's is harder. Another reminder he needs to find his own place, nothing is his, he needs to make his own.
How does he make something his own?
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Walking into the living room snaps him out a bit, seeing Athena sitting with Maddie.
“Hey Mads, what- uh what are you doing here?” Buck knows why she’s here. Doesn’t know if he can handle it.
“Well, my husband came home with interesting information about my little brother. Who, might I add, still hasn’t talked to me since he ran out of my house a few days ago.” Maddie says, voice laced with a sarcastic tone. “Come sit. Please. I’m worried about you, you can’t leave me out.”
Buck scoffs as he makes his way to the couch. “Yeah, you know, like how you did when you left after-”
“Buck!” Athena interrupts. “Sit your ass down. I know you’re hurting right now, sweetheart, but this is not- that’s not fair here.”
He knows. He knew that as soon as he said it. He just wanted to get out of this. He was only prepared to talk to Athena. “Sorry Maddie.”
His sister just sighs. “No- I know. It’s okay.”
“Buck, why didn’t you come to us sooner? I know you’ve gotten therapy before with Dr. Copeland. I just wanna understand why you let it get this bad.” Athena asks, leaning forward towards him.
“I just-” Buck tries to start. This is so much harder to articulate than he thought. “It seemed so stupid. Bobby said everyone would need me. Before he… right. So. I made myself available. And with what everyone was, is, going through it seemed so silly to even give my problem any time. Like so what. I’m in love with Eddie and can’t do anything about it. So what! And yeah, Chris and Eddie leaving, Tommy breaking up with me because of Eddie, Bobby dying, everything was all coming at once-” Buck cuts himself off with a sigh. “Living with my two favourite people just seemed like a dumb thing to have a problem with right now. So.”
Maddie moves from her spot to sit beside him and pull him into a hug. “I know you talked to me about some of it, even though you denied it. I love you, Evan. We all love you.”
“When Bobby told you that we would all need you, he didn’t mean you wouldn’t need us back. He said that because he knew you would have tried to go when everything felt different, so that you knew when things felt different it wasn’t your fault. Buck, you have to know that. So, yeah it might have felt stupid but it’s a problem you’re facing, so tell us. If it's a big deal to you, it can’t be stupid.” Athena gently pressed, placing a hand on his knee.
Maybe he can believe that. Soon. Eventually.
“Yeah, okay. Yeah.” He stands up, pushing them off of him. He just can’t right now. “Listen, I’m pretty beat after today. I’m gunna just head to my room. Maddie I’ll call you soon, okay?”
“Buck- yeah, okay. Yeah. Please call me. Come over. Anytime.”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Buck takes some time to wallow in his self pity, debating leaving town for a bit over how embarrassed he is over everything that’s happening. It feels embarrassing. Something so small has blown so out of proportion because he can’t control himself. He’s too much.
His phone starts ringing as he’s watching the sun set out of the window of the room he’s occupying. It’s Eddie. He knows. His ringer is off but his innate sense of Eddie is telling him it's him. He answers it. Eddie said not to disappear. He can be normal.
“Hey, Eds.”
“Buck.”
There’s an awkward silence to follow. Buck doesn’t know where to start. He guesses Eddie doesn’t either.
“Uh so Chris brought us the fact that you didn’t talk to us… together. Or even me separately. Like he thought. But you only talked to him. And I know we talked a bit at the station just- I know I would usually let it go, wait for you to come to me. But, Buck, man I’m worried about you.”
“Did Chris tell you what we talked about?” Buck asks. Maybe he can get out of this.
“After some probing, sure. He didn’t wanna spread your business but he figured you’d tell me anyway. I guess you kinda did, less detail at the station.” Eddie pauses. Buck can tell he’s debating his next words. Wondering if he should go deeper. Probe. Pull. Push. “I can understand why staying with Athena might help. She’s amazing for starters, and you can feel closer to Bobby. But what is so bad about living with us? Why can’t we talk about what we can do to help? We love you. We want you here-”
“It’s not mine, Eddie. It’s not, not really.” Buck cuts Eddie off. It comes out angry. Great, he's starting another argument. He can’t do this anymore.
Eddie takes a few breaths, obviously trying not to make this a fight. That makes Buck angrier. “Why not, Buck? Like I’ve said, you never saw it that way before. Just talk to me. What is this mystery thing that makes it so unlivable at our house?”
Buck can’t do this.
“I-” He has to make a decision here. Keep fighting this. Keep ignoring it. Keep having it ruin everything. Or just - “I’m in love with you? I’m in love with you. I know you’re straight and you can’t- you can’t love me this way. I get it. So it just- right now it- it- it doesn’t help me. In trying to get my head on right. I’ll still be around, but being there too much makes me feel like it could be real? Like I can have it. Like it's mine.”
“Buck it already is yours. You can have it.” Eddie says, sounding destroyed.
Buck scoffs. “Do I Eddie? Really? I don’t have it in the way I really want and I can’t- just- give me time? Give me time, I’ll get over it.”
“Buck-”
“I can’t- Eddie. I’ll see you at shift tomorrow, just I’m sorry? I didn’t mean to, I swear- I don’t- I’m sorry. Can we not let this be weird? Give me time to get over it. I’ve been trying. Moving out will help me get over it. Moving out will help. I promise.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
“Buck-”
“Eddie I have- have to go. So, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Buck hangs up. He can’t believe he just did that. He can’t do this.
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Their next shift is a short one, just 24 hours. Chimney has him stay as man behind again for most of the shift, only bringing him along if Hen and Eddie are out on a medical call or if someone else needed to stay back to rest. It’s still filled with odd stares but this time he lets himself have small conversations with Hen and Ravi. He tries to converse with Eddie, it’s hard. He was the one who said to not make it weird, but he’s the one to make it weird. Go figure.
He’s making idle conversation with Ravi as they’re walking out, something about a nightmare renter creating a non-issue neighbour dispute with one of his best renters who is just trying to get this situation over with. It's mostly just Buck nodding along.
“-and then this guy's email had an attachment with a picture of the front door decorations. This is not some HOA there is nothing wrong with her-”
“Buck!” He hears Eddie call, turns and sees Eddie jogging up to them. “Sorry to interrupt Rav, just- Buck meet me at home.”
Buck freezes. Looks at Ravi, back to Eddie. “Uh- yeah. Yup. Meet you there.” His therapy appointment is tomorrow. At least he’ll have some material to talk about.
“Great.”
And then he just walks away. As if he hasn’t just dipped Buck's nervous system into a frozen lake.
“I guess I’ll see you later Ravi, I gotta- yeah. Text me about what happens with your tenants."
You don’t find it son. You make it.
Buck walks into Eddie's house like he’s sneaking in to rob the place. Maybe if Eddie doesn’t notice him, Buck can sneak back out and never come back. Well until he does. He could never stay away.
And Eddie could never not notice him.
“Buck, hey. Chris has robotics club so he’ll be back later. I thought it’d be best to talk now before he gets home.” Eddie says, rounding the corner from the kitchen and leaning on the door frame.
“O-okay. Yeah. What’d you want to talk about?” Buck asked, still frozen standing at the front door.
Eddie just sighs, jerks his head in the direction to the couch. It takes Buck a second to follow. He takes a seat on the couch. Motions for Buck to sit. “Well, you haven’t really given me a chance to talk yet. Maybe I have some things to say too.”
“Maybe you do.” Maybe Buck can listen. Maybe Buck can take the rejection.
“Maybe you just have to shut up and listen.” Eddie says pointedly. Buck just nods. That’s fair. He talks a lot. “You said this isn’t yours in the way you want, that you have to get over it. Don’t get over it. Don’t-”
“Eddie-”
“Evan. Shut. Up. And. Listen.” Eddie insists, making Buck look him straight in his eyes. He doesn’t feel like being patronized right now or getting his heart broken, but something in Eddie's eyes just makes him shut up and listen. Eddie is sitting one couch cushion too far away, hands folded together. He is a sight to see. “Good. So. This is hard for me, you have to believe me when I say that I have been sitting on this for months. It’s not new for me. And I’ve talked to Chris, I’ve prayed to Bobby, I’ve talked with Hen and Karen.” He stops to take a breath. “Buck- I mean come on. I don’t want you to stop loving me. Ever. Not- not because I want- I don’t want you hating yourself for wanting something that you can have, I’m right here telling you to take it. That you have it, you just need to take it.”
Buck can’t breathe. His veins feel like they’re on fire. His chest is burning. His ears are ringing. It takes everything in him and all he can manage is breathing out an “Eddie.”
“Evan.” Eddie breathes back at him - no pause like he was expecting it. “I love you. Can’t you see that? Are you so deep in denying yourself everything you want that you can’t see this? How it has been for years? Can’t you see how in love I am with you, Buck? No matter how much time I spend with you I need more. I gave you my kid, man. Not even in my will but literally from the first time you two met, I knew you came to my life for him. I just didn’t know, or let myself know, that you came into my life for both of us. I like to think we were made for you too.”
Buck gasps. “You can’t just imply that I was made for you.”
At this, Eddie laughs and moves closer to Buck on the couch. “Buck, you’re not listening. I didn’t imply that, I’m saying it.” He places his hand on Buck's shoulder. Rubs his thumb along his neck. Buck can only shiver, look away from Eddie’s doe eyes, and squeeze his fists tighter. “Did you hear the other thing I said? I’d like to think that that other thing was more important.”
Buck freezes, staring into space. It feels like he’s moving through Jell-O as he turns his head back to Eddie, as he lets his hands relax, as he grabs Eddie's free hand. “Eddie.”
Eddie only smiles and holds Bucks hands a little tighter. “Buck.”
If he doesn’t say sike right now, Buck is going to get the zoomies. “Eddie.”
“Buck.”
“Eddie!”
“Buck!” he laughs out, pulling Buck closer. “I. Love. You.”
“I love you too.” Buck is about to start crying. Eddie notices, of course he does, and lets go of Buck's hands to bring his hand to his face and caress his cheek.
“Eddie, if you don’t kiss me right now-”
You don’t find it son. You make it.
This is Buck's last first kiss. It's all Buck can think as he has the best kiss he’s ever had with the absolute love of his life. It's slow, tender, and soft. This is the first first kiss Buck’s had that wasn’t rushed, worried, overcompensated, or having multiple hidden meanings beneath them.
The kiss is just them. Perfect.
“Yuck.”
The interruption breaks them apart.
“Christopher!” Eddie scolds, though not seriously. All Buck can do is laugh.
“I don’t mean it like that! I’m really happy, you know I’m really happy.” Chris laughs as he makes his way to the couch. He hugs them and says, “I love my gay dads.”
“Christopher!” Bucks let out on a sob. How can he be expected to not cry at that?
You don’t find it son. You make it.
“So Buck, how was your week? I know we didn’t get to talk much the last time you were here, but I wanted to know how the zoning out has been?” Dr. Cooper asks him.
“The zoning out has been better, especially while driving. I told Eddie so now he mostly drives if we are carpooling to work. I’m still living at Athena’s so it’s not as often as we used to, even when I was living at my loft before moving in. Um, but I do have a development before we talk about my shitty brain.”
At that, Dr. Cooper laughs. She gestures her hand forward, “Go for it.”
“I told Eddie that I was in love with him. Over the phone. He was wondering why living with him made things worse and why we couldn’t just talk it out and fix it. Then after our next shift, he told me he loved me too. Which is great.” Buck wipes his hand over his smile, “Really fucking great. I’m really happy about it.”
She smiles at him. “That’s amazing Buck, I’m really happy for you.”
“Me too. I still have bad days. And portions of the day. I still feel out of place a lot. But now that people know, they help reassure me and they make it a point to word things in a way my brain can’t rearrange.”
“I’m glad. You have such an amazing support system and family.” She smiles at him then looks to her notebook. “I want to talk about the process of getting diagnosis’ for you, if that sounds good?”
Buck can only smile. He’s not okay. But he will be. “Yeah, that sounds good.”