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Dana Scully tapped her gavel on the table. "I hereby call the First Conclave of Female Heroines and Cool Token Women to order. Are we all here?"
"We're missing some people, Scully." Buffy Summers considered the roll in front of her. "Megan Connor's here -- hey, Connor -- Willow and me of course."
"Willow and I," Willow Rosenberg corrected softly.
"I know, whatever," Buffy muttered back. "Um, Xena and Gabrielle said they'd be late."
"Wonder what they're up to," muttered Susan Ivanova.
"Where's what-her-face, Ivanova?" Scully asked. "The new captain. Locksley."
"'Lips'? Ask me if I care."
"Amanda?"
"She's coming."
"No doubt," Scully said drily. "Looks like the rest of us are here," she added. "God, could there be more redheads?"
"Well, nobody knows what Amanda's gonna look like."
"OK. Let's eliminate some chaos here. Summers, Rosenberg, what are you two even doing here? You're underage."
"Uh-UH," Willow debated, showing her brilliant command of language, just as the door opened to admit the leather-clad Xena, Warrior Princess, and her sidekick, Gabrielle.
"The little one's the queen of the Amazons," Buffy clarified in Willow's ear.
"What's the other one, then?" Willow stared, impressed.
"Sorry we're late," Gabrielle said, nearly bouncing out of what little clothing she wore. All eyes in the room stared at her belly button.
"It's all right," Scully said. "We've gotten nowhere. I'm not even sure we have a quorum." Scully glared at Buffy and Willow.
"Scully, I told you, I had my eighteenth birthday. It's canon."
"And we're in college," Willow said.
Scully sighed as Amanda walked into the room: platinum blonde. "They're fetuses," Amanda said, "but they've got powers, Dana. Let 'em be."
"Where's Nikita, anyway?" Connor asked.
"Justine can't write Nikita. I doubt she'll show up."
"Damn," said Ivanova. "That woman is hot."
"This is a discussion group," Scully said, "not the Dating Game."
"Don't be so repressed, Dana," Amanda said. "You know how these cross-universe things tend to turn out."
A hole appeared in the universe just then, and out stepped a lovely blonde woman in military green. She looked confused, and a little scared. "What have you done with Jack and Daniel? Teal'c?"
Scully consulted the roll, and frowned. "Do we know you? This is a reserved room."
"Captain Samantha Carter," she said, apparently falling back on protocol. "United States Air Force. Special Forces. I came through the Stargate," she turned to indicate the hole in the universe; it was no longer there.
"Special Agent Dana Scully," Scully said smoothly, crossing the room to shake her hand. "FBI. Everything's just fine, Captain."
"Everything's wonderful," Amanda whistled, checking out the tall, blonde captain.
"Where's the rest of my team?"
"All men? Brave and true? Probably all sleeping with each other?" Connor spoke with the tones of long experience.
"We're not so sure about Teal'c," Carter said weakly, "but yeah, basically."
"We're organizing for equal slash time," Amanda told her. "My name's Amanda. I'm an one-thousand-year-plus old immortal, and I helped write the Kama Sutra."
Carter looked impressed.
"Ignore her," said Connor in her broad Aussie accent. "I'm an undercover genius, I look great in heels, and I can kick-box."
"She uses a stunt double," Xena put in. "I don't."
"Xena!" Gabrielle smacked her partner. "You've got a partner, remember?"
"I don't use one either," said Buffy hastily. "Much."
"Isn't there a blonde/blonde rule or something?" Scully asked.
"I thought you said this wasn't the dating game, Scully," Ivanova teased. "Captain Carter, I'm Captain Ivanova. I fly spaceships. And I don't have a stunt double where it counts."
"We're putting it on the agenda," Scully decreed. "Item: Establishment of Credible Female/Female Relationships in Fan Fiction."
"This will take all day," Gabrielle judged. "Xena and I are going. Unless you want a demonstration?"
"We could just stay to, um, restore order," Xena suggested.
"We're leaving," Gabrielle grabbed Xena by the chakram and pulled her out of the room.
"Let's say that anybody with established, canonical relationships can clear out for the day," Scully said. "Rosenberg, Summers, hit the road."
"Angel left me," Buffy protested.
"And I'm maybe gay. That's canon," Willow added.
"Really?" Buffy asked her.
"Well, my evil vampire twin person was. And, and --" this last directed at Scully, "what about all that cool UST stuff with Buffy and Faith last season?"
"Buffy stabbed her," said Scully. "That's enmity, not UST."
"Oh, like the people who slash that Krycek guy with your boyfriend don't make the same mistake?" Willow said, bravado and height helping her through the conflict with the other dainty redhead.
"Mulder is not my boyfriend," Scully said firmly. "We're friends."
"Uh-huh," chorused the room. "Sure."
"I don't believe you people," Scully sighed. "Captain Carter, please. Have a seat."
"Does this mean I'm actually going to something other than be scientific and occasionally emotional?"
"We can only hope," said Amanda. "Please, at ease. Right next to me will be fine."
"Rosenberg, this is the last time," Scully said. "You're not 18 in canon yet, and you've got that boyfriend anyway."
"She's got you there, Will," Buffy said. "You don't want to get Oz jealous again, do you?"
Willow looked down at her shoes. "He wouldn't take it very well."
"We all like Oz," Ivanova said gently. "It's OK. Enjoy yourself." Ivanova spoke from experience. "You get a good guy that's interested in you, boff him. Otherwise he'll just kill himself trying to impress you."
"Still getting over Marcus?" Connor asked Ivanova, giving her a little hug.
"Like you wouldn't believe. Weird, huh?"
"Well, they never gave you time on-screen to work it out," said Amanda sympathetically.
"And whose fault is that, Miss Give-me-my-own-series?"
"Let's stay out of actor conflicts, okay?" Scully said hastily, as Amanda fingered her sword. "Rosenberg, are you still here? The door is that way."
"She left," said Buffy, "Blocking problem. Justine has a lot of those."
"Don't worry," said Connor, "the beta-readers usually catch them."
"OK," said Scully. "Are you staying?"
"I told you," Buffy said, "Angel left. And we're trying to open up our demographic a little. Xander's over at the Sidekick Lounge right now, trying to score a little slash action."
"They'll line up for him," Amanda said, "if he keeps his mouth shut."
"That's always the problem," Buffy agreed.
"Back to the agenda, please," Scully said. "Captain Carter, tell us a little about yourself."
"I'm assigned to a special project with Special Forces," she said. "I'm a scientist. Sometimes I'm too rational, but usually when somebody has to do the crying they assign it to me. Although Daniel gets his share, I guess. He's our social scientist."
"You've got one of those, too? Does he die a lot?" Connor asked.
"Never stays dead," Carter shrugged.
"Exactly! I think they take a course," Connor muttered.
"So this special forces thing," Scully asked. "Would it have something to do with that extradimensional anomaly you opened up earlier?"
Carter opened her mouth to say that she could neither confirm nor deny, but Scully whipped out her badge. "Consider me need-to-know, Captain."
"Wow," Carter breathed. "That's quite an impressive security clearance you've got there."
"Captain Carter and I will be retiring to the other side of the room," Scully said.
"Not without a fight," said Amanda, drawing her broadsword.
"Oh, put that away," Ivanova said, annoyed. "She's not the only femmy butch in the room, you know."
"Feeling left over?" Connor asked Buffy. "Call me Megan."
"I was wondering why I was the only person with a first name in here."
"There's Amanda," Ivanova pointed out.
"That's not so much a first name as um, an only," Buffy said, and stared at Megan Connor as the Aussie inspector stood. "My god, you're tall."
"It's the heels," she said. "They don't want me sharing Sandy's stunt double."
"You could stake a vampire with one of those," Buffy said, impressed. "Wanna learn how?"
"Don't go!" said Ivanova, as Scully and Carter retreated further into their own private world. "Don't leave me alone with her!" Ivanova indicated Amanda.
"What's wrong with me?" Amanda pouted one Tru-Red-painted lip.
"You're a thief," Ivanova said.
"This from the woman who helped steal a space station."
"Oooh," Buffy approved, and Megan nodded. Bets were exchanged.
"You're obsessed with sex," Ivanova continued, "and you don't take your work seriously."
"After a thousand or so years, I learned to chill out a little. You have no idea how much good that would do you."
"You're... hedonistic."
"Ice maiden."
"Whore."
"Head case."
"Flibbertigibbet."
"Telepath," Amanda shot back, and then the fighting started in earnest. Amanda wasn't above hair pulling; Ivanova fought a little too fairly, and after a great deal of yelling, she ended up on her back with a thwump.
"Nice moves," Megan judged.
"Ivanova should've seen that last one coming; Amanda telegraphs her throws from a mile away," Buffy disagreed.
"Where'd Scully and the new girl go, anyway?" Connor asked.
"Far corner," Buffy shrugged, tossing her head in that direction, and then stopping to stare, ignoring the half-hearted protests coming from Ivanova.
Scully and Carter were apparently on a first-name basis at this point. Carter had Scully in that position well-known to fraternity men and poolroom dykes across the universes -- the two-handed party leer. Carter's hands were on the wall, pinning Scully against the wall without actually touching her. Scully was short, and Carter was probably able to get quite an eyeful from there.
"Mulder's theory doesn't say anything about a connection between Egyptians and alien corruption, that I know of," Scully was saying breathlessly.
"I'm telling you, as soon as you get somebody who can decipher hieroglyphs, it all comes together." Carter ran one finger over Scully's classically beautiful face.
"And you've got actual data?"
"Wonderful data, Dana. Pages of data."
"Show me, Sam. Show me."
"I'm not sure I have it on me."
"We could check."
Dana reached forward and opened the lapel of Sam's shirt. "Nothing here."
"Maybe you've got it?" Sam asked, looking.
"So," Buffy asked Megan. "You wanna go for the coy research-oriented approach, or out-and-out battle?"
"You're sure you're not statutory?" Megan asked. "I mean, I'm a cop."
"They keep telling me I should look into law enforcement," Buffy said, pulling out her ID. "Buffy Anne Summers, born 1981."
"I'm twice your age," Connor said. "I think I'm going to faint."
"I'll catch you. I'm super-strong, don't worry. Not that you eat anything."
"I eat!"
"Take me to dinner," Buffy said, "and maybe I'll believe you."
"What about the rest of this lot?" Megan said, yelling a little over the sound of Ivanova's moans.
Buffy turned around. Both Amanda and Ivanova were naked, and Amanda straddled Ivanova like she definitely knew what she was doing.
"Hey Carter, Scully," Buffy called across the room. "Here's some data for you. Maybe you oughta take notes."
Megan laughed.
"C'mon, Megan," Buffy said. "We'll stop on the way for my heels."