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Now, Grian knew that False didn't mean any harm at all. The complete opposite, surely. She's an actual winged player, she knows more about them than he. And even though Grian was honestly kind of intimdated by her, False did seem like a nice person…
But, Void did he wish it never came up.
He was so damn awkward. Litterally all it took was his wings being talked about for more than two seconds and he was stuck freezing up and stammering.
Grian did say yes to her offer, though. Denying after all that would probably just be more suspicious. Maybe he can just, pretend he was normal nervous instead of whatever this mess was.
So now here they were. In his room. Getting his wings preened. Apparently.
They both sat on his bed. The bed that was messy and covered in fallen feathers that he really wished he'd cleaned. False sat behind him, about to start.
He still remembered the first time he got his wings… preened.
And all the other times after that.
"Hey, it's alright!" False must have noticed his small shaking. "It'll just be like getting your hair brushed."
"Yeah, yeah, I know." Grian fidgeted with the sleeve of his sweater, and tried to speak as calmly as he could managed.
The nice thing about False sitting behind him was that she couldn't see his expressions.
The bad thing was that he couldn't see her at all.
Couldn't see what she would be doing.
Time and time again the hermits had told him and he'd told himself that he could trust everyone on this server.
But he just… couldn't.
"Uh… it'd be easier if your wings weren't pinned to your back." False chuckled.
"Oh." Grian loosened them, embarassed. He hadn't even realized he was keeping his wings so tight. They'd just grab them whenever They wanted, he hadn't thought to drop them for False.
He mentally noted that down for what you're meant to do during preening.
It started with just False brushing his wings, smoothing out any crooked feathers. It was almost calming. He's pretty sure it was supposed to be.
Mostly, it just made Griam freeze again. He remebered these motions, talons in bloody feathers. He remembered it getting worse as he squirmed.
Slowly, False's hands moved from just smoothing out wings to beginning to pick out the loose, dead, feathers, and place them in a pile.
The first time they were preened no feathers were taken out, not on purpose. They were all too new to have died yet, the only ones seperated from the wings were snagged and torn off.
It was messy and bloody and it hurt and he barely kept himself awake. But he had to because They were there and he couldn't sleep with Their eyes.
Why was it so vivid? Usually Grian could barely remember then. Why could he feel it so so clearly. It felt like the whole world was shifting back to when he was there.
False was probably saying something, he couldn't hear. Everything was muffled and ringing.
He lifted a hand to his mouth to bite on his sweater sleeve, a habit he's had for years. He did almost intinctively put it down as soon as it was raised, They would've grabbed and lowered it anyway.
"No."
Their voice was loud and soft and kind and harsh and scary and safe all at once. He felt suffocated at even a single word spoken by them.
"Stay still, Xelqua. Let us do our work."
He was crying. A lot. He felt lightheaded.
"Do not worry. You will be perfect and clean once we are finished. Doesn't that sound nice?"
Even though they were behind him, cleaning his wings. They were in front of him, cupping his teary face with cold metal talons. They were always everywhere.
"Right?"
He knew he agreed. He said "ok" or "right" or something of the same. But he couldn't hear his own voice.
"Excellent."
Their talons moved and they were softly abd soothingly petting his hair and his wings, it was… nice… comforting… safe. But he still twitched and shook anyway because he was stupid and scared.
Talons ran through his messy shaking wings, They pressed warm water against them and the blood dripped down into a puddle below him. They picked out pieces of red that were once attached to him, that were severed as something new, something beutiful terrifying new, burst out from his bones and crawled out of his skin.
It hurt. It all hurt. And maybe he should've ran away.
But…
…he couldn't move anymore.
well, he could. He knew he physically could, if he had to get up for whatever reason, nothing really stopped him.
But he… couldn't.
He kept himself sitting perfectly frozen as They did what They wished to.
Stay still. Stay still. Stay still. A voice in the back of his head would silently chant.
So he sat perfectly still on the pedastal-
…on the bed… on his bed.
He's not there.
False is preening his wings now.
haha. Silly him. He'd forgotten where was.
He'd… forgotten…
………………
False hadn't done anything for a while.
Grian tried to ask if it was done. Instead he just turned around with failing voice that said nothing.
"…You alright?" False asked quietly.
"You're alright." They said simply.
His voice almost failed again, but he made it work.
"I- I'm alright"
Grian tried to say it quickly, like an automatic reply.
"Ok.. it's just, you were shaking really bad, and stopped talking to me, and you're crying…" False started listing. Grian reached his hand up to his face, he was crying huh?
"That's, uh, that's pretty weird! Haha!" Grian started wiping his face away as he talked. His voice sounded horse, like he hadn't spoken in forever, even though it can't have been very long.
This was a stupid mistake. Grian was weird, and now False is worried, and now everyone will be worried, and he can't even keep one measly secret.
They sat, and stared. It was awkward silence again, except now there was stupid uneeded concern.
"You know," False started. Grian was pretty sure he knew where this was going, he stiffened.
"You can always talk to us-"
"No." He hadn't meant to be so blunt, so rude. But he really did not want to talk about it.
He wasn't even sure if he could talk about it. Even just thinking about it now, he felt the memories and sensations slipping away into the back of his mind again.
"…Ok." False backed down surprisingly easily. Grian had expected more push back, more prying.
"It's ok." She continued. "I get it, we all have secrets. There's some… stuff, that I haven't told anyone either."
It was silent again for a few moments. Grian almost asked False aboit what she meant, but obviously he couldn't, secrets are secret for a reason.
"…Alright." Grian breathed, his breath felt somewhat steady for the first time since this whole thing began.
He almost wanted to hug False, just for the sake of being held, but he didn't. It would be weird, they'd barely even spoken before and he'd already dumped his weird messy mind on her. She doesn't need to deal with having to comfort him for it as well.
He did want to ask something of her though…
"Could you- uh, later, when I'm… normal- Could you teach me how to preen myself?" He felt embarassed having to ask, not only because of everything that just happened, but also because as a winged player, he should know already.
But he didn't have the grace of being born with these things.
Even though it was a stupid ask, False smiled, and said she would.
And for once it was warm.
And for once,
maybe,
it would be okay.