Work Text:
Understanding
by Clair Shadows
The sentinel is owned by Paramount and Petfly last I heard. I have no intention of making a profit. In fact the only gain I get is a chance to practice my writing skills with two beautiful boys and hear other peoples opinion on it. Date Archived: 03/13/03.
UNDERSTANDING
By Clair Shadows.
God, it had been such a shity day and Blair had been there, right there, but he'd been a step back reserved even as he yelled and questioned and tried to do a million things at once. Blair had been. Just like . . . . He'd been stoic, hard, inflexible. Do we have the details? Hiding. And Blair had been there. Blair had been active, outraged, a blur of movement. Has someone spoken to the victims family? But his eyes had been shuttered. The touch on his arm grounding him had been just a touch. No offer of comfort. No request for protection. No request for support. Blair hadn't been there. The spark in his eyes had been missing. Hiding. But now Blair was here in his bed and in his arms and it didn't look like he'd found a good hiding place. Blair looked like he was going to break. And it was so fucking unnecessary.
"You hide so much. God we're just the same. Why?" I asked.
"Because I fall in love with fucking Sentinels. That's why." Blair croaked, and his façade slipped, splintered and finally broke, and Blair shoved his head into my chest and burst into muffled sobs. His hands sliding under my shirt holding my sides needing to be closer. But even that was a misdirection a form of evasiveness, of Blair hiding. This was about Blair being Blair not about Blair being conditioned by a lack of privacy or some ill-attempt at normalcy. God knows my own tight control had little to do with other peoples thoughts. I held him tighter and felt his tears mark me as his.
"This isn't about Sentinels." I told him quietly
A pause. His warm body going still, oh so very still. "Then tell me what it is about!" Blair threw the words at me and he was moving, pulling out of my embrace. His anger, the hurt I could hear in his voice, knew was in his eyes. God it was so predictable. I could read him like a book. My own life story down in print.
"It's about who you are. The decisions we make for our own protection." I whispered. Holding his eyes willing him to understand. Willing him to know. To know I knew so I wouldn't have to say it. Blair looked at the wall running from my gaze, "You don't know anything."
"I think I do."
"I think you're a liar"
"I know you Blair, and this isn't about me. This isn't about Sentinels."
Blair's eyes cut into me. He wasn't running anymore. "You don't know shit. You think you do. You think you know everything. But you . . ." Blair's breathing quickened and I felt my own speed in response. I did know. I did know.
"hate you. Hate you so much." And then he was crying again and I pulled him to me. Holding him when he tried to pull away.
"I love you. You know I love you." I told him desperate that he understand.
"You're such a bastard." Blair mumbled, his voice muffled by my shirt. "You're such a fucking bastard."
"I am, I know I am, but God, you think I don't understand. We're the same Blair. I know Blair. I know. I know what it feels like to not be able to handle it anymore. To hide. How easy it becomes and how hard it is to stop even when it's not needed anymore, when your tired of it. Tired of the insincerity, the shallowness. Of always having to think. Blair I know, and it's not needed anymore. I'm here, you can turn to me. I love you Blair so much." I told the huddled bundle in my arms watching as Blair straightened, as he lifted his head.
"You don't know." Blair said and their were tears still in his eyes, still falling down his cheeks. "You don't know anything." "I. Love. You." His anger pierced me as his voice picked up speed, "I fucking hate you. You make me so miserable. I try so hard all the time, but you don't see me. You've never seen me when you zone or your senses spike or you come down with a cold and I think I've poisoned you. You don't see how much you scare me. How scared I get, and I know you think it's nothing, but you don't see, you don't get it. I Goddamn love you. How the fuck do you think I stop other people from seeing that? Huh, you sit there blind and tell the fucking jury you saw the shooter from 6 blocks away, how the fucking hell do you think your not sitting in some padded cell right now." Blair stopped and wiped his eyes. "You don't get anything."
I looked at him, at everything I didn't get. "I'm sorry." Helplessly Blair shook his head the anger gone. "I'm sorry I've hidden from you," I said remorsefully, "I'm sorry, I don't understand," but Blair just smiled, his first genuine smile of the day. The one he'd saved for me. "You've never hidden from me Jim. I saw through your bullshit the first day I met you." Blair informed me and his smile was still there as he said, "We can work on the understanding bit," and then he was shoving me hard and I was catching him as he pushed me down. Pushed me back against the bed and I was kissing him because I knew it was true Blair knew me and I could never fool him and the knowledge hurt me, frightened me, made me love him so very, very much.
The End
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