Chapter Text
It had always been like this, for as long as Xiao could remember. A quiet pressure that would pull him down, a fuzzy mind and a disconnect from his own body that would leave him soaked in his own urine with no memory of ever feeling the urge to go.
In the earliest days, it hadn't been so bad. Free to come and go as he pleased, minimal expectations placed upon him, being fuzzy sometimes was just a fact, a thing he could accept and address in time
But then that god had found his weakness, had enslaved Xiao to his beck and call.
A regressor, his first master had called him with disgust in his tone. A little, said always with coldness, with disdain. As if a weakness Xiao should seek to rectify. Though it was something he had no control over. His master had hated that weakness, the loss of control, the messes, the tears, the clinginess.
None of it was acceptable. All of it was to be burned away.
Xiao didn't speak of those days, those memories burned into the dark karma of his soul. It didn't matter, he was never asked to. Morax never wanted to know what that master had done to him, only gave Xiao a contract, a purpose and left him to his own devices. (That wasn't true, Morax had wanted to help him, but Xiao hadn't been willing to risk his new place and purpose by revealing he was disgusting and weak, so he hid those parts of himself.)
A yaksha, a being so burdened with dark karma that it would one day consume him. But in the mean time, a contract, a purpose with which to direct his power and maintain his sanity for… however long he could. He never told Morax about his little tendencies. It never mattered.
Sure, he came back soiled from battles, but that was not hard to hide, smeared in mud and blood as they all so often were. And even if anyone noticed, half the time he'd been in battle for days at a time, of course he had eventually lost control of himself.
Xiao learned; he learned to keep quiet, to hide his shame, to resist the urge to seek comfort. As those who once understood him dwindled, Xiao continued down his lonely path. Things got easier, and harder, in different ways as time flowed onward. People came and went, and even Morax relinquished his power as the archon, melting into obscurity.
Xiao couldn't say the last time he'd been able to relax into his head-space and just be, instead his days were a battle against the haze that tried to push him down into it. A blur of wet bedding and damp small clothes. Secrets, lies, excuses.
Sometimes he thought it might be nice to live in a world where he didn't have to lie about everything. But he was Xiao, the Vigilant Yaksha, he had a duty to uphold and weakness was simply not an option.
One of the good things about the life he lived, so removed from others, was that there were few chances for anyone to catch him on his secrets. Of course he kept away from others, his Karma was dangerous to them and tainted the environment around him regardless of how careful he was. An easy excuse, always there, always true. Not a lie, not even really an exaggeration. He was dangerous to be around.
Still, he kept a room at the Inn, at the innkeeper's insistence, and used it from time to time. A quiet space to meditate, a space he could sleep without being afraid he might be set upon by monsters at his least aware.
Tonight was one of those nights. He'd craved at least the illusion of company, needed a chance to heal from a few of the worst injuries he'd collected over the last several weeks. Recovering before Lantern Rite was imperative given the role he played on that night every year.
Xiao hadn't meant to fall asleep on the bed though. He was usually wise enough to move from the bed to the floor before sleep took him, having no need of the warm-soft embrace, and all too aware that when he slept his control was at its weakest. He'd been reading when sleep overcame him, a tome that Morax - Zhongli, he wanted to be called that now - had recommended. Lounging on the bed and enjoying the comfort while it was available to him. Unnecessary, indulgent.
But Xiao saw no harm letting himself have this, in private.
His body was traitorous, though, and sleep pulled him down before he realized he was drifting at all. And so that was how dawn would find him, deeply asleep. A rare sleep, the peaceful and dreamless kind. No, not dreamless, the golden-eyed traveler wove through it, though if you asked him, Xiao couldn't recall anything else about the dream.
Some time in the early morning, Xiao awoke. He woke with the scent of urine strong in his nostrils, with cold wetness surrounding his groin and legs. His cheeks burned, hot shame washing over him. Xiao ignored the way his eyes burned and his vision blurred for a second, unwilling to acknowledge it. Short nails bit into the skin of his palm, pain anchoring reality around him.
Fine, this was fine. He just needed to get up and get himself cleaned up like usual. The bedding though… obviously it hadn't been spared. He could probably take the bedding to wash it without the inn staff noticing, he allowed them into his rooms so rarely, after all.
A plan half formed in mind, he pushed himself up and out of the mess. He needed to get moving so he could get it taken care of before his usual patrols. Strip the mattress, then he could go for a shower. He could wash the bedding along with his sleeping clothes and then go on with his day.
Except, as he pulled away the bedding it was clear that the liquid had seeped all the way through, leaving a tell-tale stain on the mattress itself. Drying the mattress would be easy enough, but properly cleaning it to get the smell and stain out… would be much harder.
There was a heartbeat of blind, blurry panic. It had happened before, Xiao knew what to do, knew that they would handle it if he asked. But every slip, every crack opened the possibility of a confrontation wider, of someone learning what he'd been hiding for more than a thousand years by this point. He still had to act, regardless, so Xiao forced that down, too. And went to clean himself up so he was presentable before he went down to confess about the situation.
He was calmer, after the shower, but that didn't make it easier to step into the hall rather than vanishing into the aether. Xiao left the door unlocked, he'd made sure his personal belongings were put away, most of them never left his adeptal space anyway. A decent sum of mora was left on the bed side table, clearly labeled as a tip for the inconvenience.
Unfortunately, instead of the housekeeper he'd been looking for, Xiao found Verr Goldet herself.
"Oh, Xiao, it's good to see you."
Rare to see him, more than good, exactly. She didn't say that, but he could almost hear it lingering in the air between them. "Morning," and of course, since he was already engaged in conversation, it would be a good idea to ask. It would spare him from wandering around and being seen by more people. He really wasn't in the mood. "Do you mind pointing me in the direction of the lead housekeeper? I've something to discuss with him." It was still a him right? Xiao assumed so, he usually caught on to staff changes rather quickly, though the man's name was escaping him.
"He went to get some supplies, I can pass a message along for you though."
Ah. Of course. It couldn't be something he kept to a minimal number of people. "I, uh." He trailed off and then shook his head. Waffling about this wasn't going to make it go away. "I had a bad night," let her think of that what she would, "and had an accident. I cleaned up as well as I could, but it will need more complete cleaning, and new bedding. I apologize." It was more than he'd intended to say, but it felt right at the same time. He tried not to think about the heat that had risen back into his cheeks.
"I'll see to it that it's taken care of," Verr says, tone polite as always. For a moment, it looked as though she may something else, but the woman seemed to think better of it.
"Thank you."
Xiao left, before the conversation could get any more uncomfortable or someone else could stumble upon them. He trusted Verr to be discreet, her people had been running this Inn for generations, this wasn't the sort of thing that would slip.
That made it just a little easier.