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“Just go crawl back to Nance, you dumb, fake, asshole.”
Dustin’s words back in the lab had hurt Steve far worse than the punch he had thrown moments before. Steve had said, “I’m done,” but the truth is, he wasn’t done. He had been haunted by those words for the past few weeks since they had defeated Vecna. “Dumb” he understood. Dustin called him dumb all the time, and compared to that genius kid, he was. “Asshole” he expected. Dustin was a teenager after all, and moreover, Steve felt that he had earned that title.
It was the other two insults that had stayed with him. He could not understand why Dustin would call him “fake.” In that fight and for the months leading up to it, Steve believed he had been honest with the kid to a fault, calling him out on everything from pushing his friends away to goading his bullies into jumping him. It was an excess of honesty about Eddie that had earned him the first blow in that fight in the lab.
But more than anything, Steve was perplexed and not a little unsettled by Dustin’s fixation on the idea that Steve still had feelings for Nancy. It hurt worse every time the kid had made a jab about her, because Steve had done the work and gotten over her. Steve had told Dustin this, time and time again. He had spoken with full honesty when he had said “Nance is just a friend.”
Steve desperately wanted answers, but he knew he would never get them because he would never ask. He knew Dustin was still wracked with guilt over everything that had transpired between them in the Upside Down. He saw it in his eyes whenever anyone mentioned “the lab.” He had felt it in the embrace Dustin had given him while begging him not to risk his life again.
But now, Steve was reminded painfully of Dustin’s words.
He had driven his new truck over to the Wheeler house to pick up Dustin who had spent the afternoon with his friends. Dustin only lived a few blocks from Mike, but since November 6th, Steve refused to let him walk anywhere alone. He wasn’t the only one, either. All the Hawkins parents kept a close watch on their kids after those twelve had been taken. Steve, Jonathan, and Nancy too had taken to transporting their younger siblings to each other’s houses, unwilling to let them out of their sight until completely sure they were safe.
When Steve rang the Wheeler’s doorbell, he had expected Karen, Ted, or Mike with Dustin by his side. He had not expected the door to be answered by Nancy, dressed in her jeans and sweater vest, curls casually magnificent, and a friendly smile on her face. He admitted that he was speechless for a second, but only out of surprise.
Steve gathered himself quickly. “I’m here for Henderson.”
That was unnecessary. Nancy had been just as protective of her younger siblings. She nodded and then yelled over her shoulder, “Mike! Get Dustin out here! Steve’s here!”
Mike yelled something back (it was probably for the best for everyone that Steve couldn’t make out what it was) because Nancy made a face and then rolled her eyes dramatically. A moment later, the whole party appeared across the room at the top of the basement stairs, led by Dustin who had been walking backwards, speaking animatedly to the others. Knowing that kid, he was probably describing some brilliant scientific discovery he had made or his new record for his longest burp. Whatever it was, it was clearly enthralling, because they all paused at the top of the stairs, as Dustin spoke.
“How is everything?” Steve was pulled out of his reverie by Nancy, who was looking at him with genuine concern. They had all been through the same hell together and each knew how the others must be feeling.
Steve shrugged. “I mean, not bad, all things considered,” he said truthfully. “Henderson is doing better. Things are starting to look more normal around town. I might be getting a job. Yeah, not bad. You?”
“Um, okay.” Nancy grimaced. “I’m going to start Emerson in the spring. That’s exciting. But, you know, I worry about leaving Holly. I know she’s having nightmares, even if she won’t tell me. But yeah, I guess it could be worse.”
Steve felt a stab of sympathy. Dustin had awoken him several times in the past few weeks, hysterical over a nightmare. Seeing the kid in distress was more painful than any memory, injury, or nightmare of his own.
His thoughts must have shown in his face, because Nancy’s eyes softened sympathetically and she reached out and gave his shoulder a quick squeeze. At one point, Steve would have felt something—nerves, attraction, heartbreak—at her touch, but now he was just genuinely grateful for sympathy from someone who really understood.
Unfortunately, he did feel something else: Dustin’s blue eyes boring into him from across the room where he had just turned around. Great. Steve knew he was going to hear about this on the drive home.
“Well,” Nancy dropped her hand. “Good to see you. Good luck with the job.”
Steve smiled, trying not to catch Dustin’s eye as the boy approached. “Thanks, good luck with school and… everything. Let’s go, Dustin!”
The two boys walked in silence to Steve’s truck. As always, Steve reminded Dustin to wipe his feet, which he did without a response.
The moment the truck doors slammed, Steve braced himself for an attack. But they drove away from the Wheeler’s house in silence for several moments. Finally, the younger boy broke it.
“So,” he said, in a very poor imitation of a casual tone. “What’s going on with Nance these days?”
Steve gritted his teeth, then, with an effort, shrugged. “She’s coping the same as the rest of us. She’s going to start school—”
“You know what I’m talking about.” Dustin crossed his arms as he cut Steve off. “What’s going on with you and Nance?”
“Seriously?” Steve huffed. “I’ve told you a million times, Henderson. Nance is a friend. A friend. That’s it.” He pulled the car to the side of the road and parked, so they could speak more easily. Steve needed to give his full attention to shutting this down once and for all.
“Really,” Dustin sounded scornful, “is that what you call it? Friends don’t drool over each other, Steve.”
Steve felt a surge of anger, but resisted acting on it. Nothing was worth driving a wedge between him and brother again. He took a breath. “I wasn’t drooling over anyone. She answered the door, so I said ‘hello.’ That’s it. What was I supposed to do? Ignore her?”
“Oh, don’t give me that.” Dustin snapped. “Your head almost exploded when she touched you.”
“Listen,” Steve closed his eyes, willing his voice to remain calm. “We’ve been over this. I’m totally over her. You know that. But even if I wasn’t, what difference does it make to you?”
Dustin went quiet then. Steve opened his eyes to see he had turned his head away and was staring out the window.
“Let’s go,” he said in a very different voice.
Steve nodded and turned the key in the ignition, wracking his brain, trying to think what he could have said to hurt the kid.
They drove on in silence for a few minutes, Steve, trying to formulate an apology. But for what? What had he done? He didn’t care that Dustin was wrong and was goading him, Steve would take all of the blame if it meant ending the fight. Now that he had gotten his best friend back, he wouldn’t lose him again for anything. He opened his mouth to say something, anything to dissolve the tension in the air, but Dustin beat him to it.
“Hey Steve,” he said quietly, “I-I think it’s cool that you and Jonathan are good now.”
Steve was taken aback by this change of topic and how meek Dustin sounded bringing it up. He didn’t press him though. “Yeah. Well, I kind of have to be good with him. Dude, saved my life.”
“I guess that’s true,” said Dustin slowly. “But I still think it’s cool. These days, you guys seem almost… almost friendly.”
Steve laughed, surprised and thankful that Dustin’s perceptiveness about his relationships extended beyond Nancy. “Okay, you got me. If I’m being honest, I genuinely like the guy. But the ‘saving my life’ thing helps too.”
“Oh.” Dustin sat back into the leather seat. “You think you’re going to be friends now?”
Steve was still trying to understand this abrupt change in topic and attitude. “I think so,” he said slowly. “Why are you thinking about Jonathan anyway?”
“You know he and Nance broke up?” Ah, so that was it. “I think it was in the lab.”
Steve glanced at the younger boy out of the corner of his eye, trying to get a read on the angle he was taking. “Oh yeah. Obviously,” he said hesitantly. “I mean, they’ve been on the rocks for a while. I guess almost dying was the last push they needed.”
“You realize that means she’s available now?”
Steve’s stomach clenched, matched by his grip on the steering wheel. “Henderson, please,” he couldn’t quite keep the note of anger out of his voice now. “Can you just drop it?”
“No, I mean it.” He really sounded like it. “You should go for it. I’m sorry… about everything I said about it.”
Steve almost swerved into oncoming traffic, because he was gaping at Dustin. Heart racing, he pulled over again. When he had parked and turned the car off, he turned his whole body in the seat of the truck to look at the kid.
“Dustin, I am so serious when I say this, I don’t want to go for it. I’m over her.”
Dustin looked down. “You can tell me the truth, you know,” he mumbled.
Steve studied him for a moment, then voiced the question that had been nagging him since a similar conversation in March of 1986, when he had threatened to punch Dustin so hard, his teeth fell back out.
“Hey, Henderson,” Steve turned to look at him and found that he was already being watched by the younger boy. A strange look was written all over Dustin’s face. “Tell me something. Why do you care so much if I like Nance?”
“I don’t!” Dustin yelped, too quickly and too loudly.
The kid had always been a bad liar, and now was no exception. “I just don’t want to see you stuck on a dumb girl who broke your heart.” Dustin clearly intended to sound casual, but the effect was quite the opposite.
These words triggered a memory in Steve’s mind. Three years prior, he had driven a very nervous Dustin to the school dance, secretly bursting with happiness over getting to fulfill this brotherly duty. When he had picked up Dustin later that night, the kid had been bursting with pride and excitement to tell Steve that his new Steve-esque hair had worked, and he had danced with Nancy.
“Dustin,” Steve said, marveling at his own stupidity in the light of this realization. “Are you… jealous?”
Steve had always assumed that Dustin had a childish crush on Nancy, but nothing more. And besides, a lot had changed since the dance in ‘84. Dustin had grown up, had a girlfriend of his own, and subsequently dumped her while grieving. There was no way he had been pining after Nancy this whole time, right? But one look at the expression on the kid’s face confirmed Steve’s worst suspicions.
Dustin shook his head emphatically. “Of-of course not. This isn’t middle school.” No, it wasn’t. This was worse.
“It’s okay,” Steve gripped Dustin’s shoulders, needing him to understand. “You don’t have to lie about how you feel. You can tell me the truth, you know,” he said, echoing the younger boy's words without thinking.
Dustin seemed to shrink, the truck seat threatening to swallow him. Steve was forcefully reminded that the kid was sixteen years old and had been through literal hell multiple times. He saw fear and heartbreak in the eyes that flicked from Steve’s face to the window behind, apparently searching for the answer. Finally Dustin let out a long sigh and turned his gaze to his own lap, not meeting Steve’s.
“Fine.” He kept his eyes on his hands which continued to twist with the excess energy he always had when he was feeling strong emotions. “I’ll tell you, but it’s stupid.” His voice was small, making Steve’s heart ache for him. “You’re right, I am jealous.”
“Of me and Nance…?”
“Yes.”
Steve tightened his grip on Dustin’s shoulders, more to steady himself than the younger boy. He felt like he had been sucker punched by his Russian interrogators all over again. “I’m sorry, buddy.”
He wished he was back in the interrogation now. That would hurt less than realizing how negligent of a friend he had been. And to think he started thinking of himself as one of the older siblings, of Dustin as his little brother. Steve knew for a fact that Jonathan had picked up on Will’s secret feelings long before anyone else had. He shook his head sadly, “I’m sorry I didn’t catch on earlier, but it’s okay now, right? It’s over between us.”
Dustin sniffed and Steve realized why the younger boy was avoiding his gaze. A tear fell from his downturned face into his hands twisting in his lap.
“I know,” Dustin’s voice cracked. “I know it’s over with Nancy, but what about the next girl? Julie? Or Kristin? Or whoever you’re going to ask out next?”
Steve opened his mouth, completely perplexed. What about the next girl? What could she have to do with Dustin or Steve or Nancy or this whole conversation?
“Henderson,” Steve knew he sounded desperate, but he was sure there was something he was missing, and he was terrified of that unknown. “I don’t understand. What the hell are you talking about?”
Dustin looked up, finally meeting his gaze. “I know we’re all recovering from Vecna and everything, but eventually you’ll be okay and you’ll move on.” His eyes were glassy and his voice was hollow as “You’ll find the love of your life and settle down and have kids, just like you want.” He covered his face with his hands, probably trying to hide his tears, but it was no good. They dripped between his fingers, leaving little wet spots on the thighs of his pants.
These words hit Steve in the face harder than Dustin had in the lab.
“Dustin—hey—buddy—!”
He released the boy’s shoulders and pulled him into a full embrace across the truck’s console, one hand cradling his head, fingers buried in his curls. As Steve rocked him gently back and forth, Dustin let go and cried openly into Steve’s shoulder.
They stayed like that for a few moments. The console jabbing into Steve’s ribs, Dustin’s nose running onto his shirt, his fingers gripping the older boy’s back just a little too tightly.
Steve would have been happy to stay there forever, holding his favorite person in the world.
But eventually, Dustin’s sobs subsided and his hands relaxed slightly. Steve gave his back one last fortifying rub and then held him out at arm’s length. Dustin’s eyes were red and puffy and a few strands of his curly hair were plastered to his sweaty forehead. Steve reached out and tenderly brushed them away.
“Dustin,” he said softly. “Talk to me. What’s going on? What are you thinking?”
“I know what’s going on,” the boy gasped out. “You’re in love with her. And you won’t tell me! So, all I can do is worry about it all the time.”
Steve reached out and cupped the younger boy’s face in his hands, so that Dustin was forced to meet his gaze. “I promise, there is nothing to tell you. I’m being honest.”
Dustin sagged in the leather seat. “You’re really not…?”
Steve leaned forward, needing Dustin to understand. “No. Listen, I really liked Nance back when we were together, maybe even loved her. I don’t know. I’m not trying to downplay that. But I know now we were never going to work out.” Dustin’s eyes widened. “We want different things, you know? She has big things ahead of her. She wants to see the world. She wants to change the world.”
“Oh.” The younger boy blinked, clearly trying to process this. “What do you want then? I always thought you just wanted her.”
Steve hesitated, “well, I guess I just want to settle down.”
“What’s wrong with that?” Dustin sounded indignant, but this time, on Steve’s behalf.
“I really want kids, Henderson. But I didn’t know that for a while.” Steve hesitated again, feeling a slight flush in his cheeks, and then added, “I really only realized in the last four years.”
Dustin was quiet. They both knew what Steve meant. He may as well have said “I only realized after meeting you.”
They sat in silence on the side of the road for a while, only disturbed by the growl of the occasional passing car. Steve gazed ahead through the windshield that felt too clean after the beating his faithful Beamer had taken at the hands of their adventures.
“Okay,” the younger boy—he really did look young at the moment—took a few shaky, shallow breaths, before speaking in a wavering voice, punctuated by the occasional slight sob. “Remember when you helped me find Dart?”
Steve nodded. Of course he remembered. That day had changed the trajectory of his life forever and for better.
“Well,” Dustin continued, “I-I always thought that you only stuck around after that to get Nance back. She and Jonathan were always around. I thought you were just trying to impress her by taking care of all of us.”
Understanding struck like a bolt of lightning.
You dumb, fake, asshole.
Dustin hiccupped slightly, then continued, “I thought you were hoping that if you stayed around, you’d get back together. But then it seemed like… well, almost like you wanted to be there because of… of me.”
Steve felt his stomach clench. “I did—I do! Don’t you know that? You’re my best friend, Dust, remember?”
Dustin closed his eyes again, squeezing out a fresh pair of tears. He nodded. “I know. After Starcourt, I really believed it. I still do, but…”
But? Steve felt his own eyes burning now too. He hated himself for letting Dustin think there was a “but.” His throat was tight, so he almost choked as he said, “but, what?”
“But there was always that voice in the back of my head telling me that you were just filling up the time until you got what you really wanted, and when you got it, you would leave. And then, last year, you started looking at Nancy like that again, and I got scared. I got scared because if you got together again she would be your number one and you wouldn’t care about anything else. You wouldn’t care about me. And you would leave too. I can’t deal with anyone else leaving. Especially not you.”
Dustin was overwhelmed by a fresh wave of sobs and Steve by what he had just said. He wrapped his arms around Dustin again, trying to process that this boy—for whom Steve would happily die a thousand times over—believed that he was nothing more than a waiting room, a holding pattern until Steve found his future. How could he not know that Steve couldn’t see any future without him in it? That his present only had significance because of the kid he was clutching to his chest? That his past was empty and meaningless because it had a gaping hole right in the middle shaped like Dustin Henderson? Steve buried his head in Dustin’s curls and sobbed out his horror at this revelation, and his insurmountably high and unfathomably deep love for him.
Finally, Steve pulled away, because he needed Dustin to know the truth. He was sure he looked every bit as rumpled and puffy-eyed as the younger boy, but when he spoke his voice was clear and strong.
“Dustin,” his voice cracked. He cleared his throat and started again. “Dustin, I don’t care if I meet the perfect girl tomorrow, she will never replace you. No one ever will. I told you that you’re my best friend, buddy. But you’re even more than that. You’re my brother. My life was nothing before I met you and would be nothing again if you ever left it. Nothing and no one is going to come between us, got that? Vecna couldn’t do it, so you can bet a girl sure as hell never will.”
Dustin’s eyes, still streaming, widened. “...brother?”
Steve’s heart skipped a beat. He had begun to see Dustin this way so long ago, he had forgotten that he had never voiced it. “I mean, I-I see you like that,” he stammered. “But if you don’t—”
He was interrupted by Dustin who threw himself into his arms again, almost knocking out a few of Steve’s teeth with his head.
“I always wanted an older brother,” he murmured into Steve’s chest. “When I was younger, I mean. After you took me to the Snow Ball that time, I didn’t want one anymore, because I didn’t need one anymore.” He looked up at Steve, tear stained face brightened by a huge grin that reminded Steve of the little kid asking him to help catch his missing monster. “But I didn’t know…” He buried his face in Steve’s chest again. Steve tightened his grip on his little brother, thinking that he might never let go.
Eventually, Steve remembered that Dustin’s mom would be worried and the boys reluctantly released each other. Steve started the car again and resumed the very short drive back to the Henderson house. The afternoon sun was hanging low in the sky and the air whipping past the truck was crisp and cold, but Steve felt warm all over. He glanced at his brother out of the corner of his eye. Dustin was looking out the window again, but even with his head mostly turned away, Steve could see the smile that was nearly covering his entire face. As he watched, Dustin turned to look at him.
“Hey, Steve?”
“Yeah, what’s up, buddy?”
“What did you think I was talking about earlier?”
Steve felt his face grow hot. His conclusion now seemed ludicrous. “It doesn't matter. I was wrong.”
“Well, yeah, that’s obvious,” Dustin smirked at him. “But you’ve been so confidently wrong before, I’m used to it. You can tell me.”
Steve stared straight ahead at the road, trying to look annoyed but really he was delighted that Dustin was making jokes at his expense again. Making fun of each other was something brothers did. “Actually, I thought you were jealous of me and Nance,” he grumbled. “Which you said was true. So, technically, I was right. In your face, Henderson.”
Dustin giggled, making Steve’s heart soar. Boy, had he missed the kid’s laugh. “Steve,” said Dustin in a carefully neutral voice, “you are such an idiot. Did you think that I was in love with Nance?”
Despite himself, Steve grinned. He had missed how his own laugh felt too. “Yeah, I guess I did.”
Dustin rolled his eyes and pretended to gag. Steve took his right hand off the steering wheel to give him a shove. A few moments later, he pulled the truck into the Henderson driveway. Steve got out to walk Dustin to the door, unable to let the kid out of his sight until he was completely sure he was safe. Dustin usually protested, but not this time.
He was about to open the door, but then turned, hand still on the handle. “See you tomorrow, Steve.
Claudia Henderson appeared, smiling brightly, always overjoyed to see her son. “Of course, Dusty,” she said, engulfing him in a tight hug. Then turning to Steve, “thank you for always picking him up, Steve, honey. Oh, Dusty, slow down—”
They both watched Dustin run down the hall to toss his backpack in his bedroom, calling back to Steve about needing to show him his new model Death Star.
Claudia put her hand on Steve’s shoulder and murmured, “I always wished my Dusty could have had a big brother.” Steve turned to see she had tears in her eyes, “I don’t need to wish for that anymore.”