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The first Valentines’ Day Sae could sparsely remember was when he was a year old. Just a year old, and while he has not realized what the world has in store for him, he knows that he has a certain fondness for soccer, moreso a ball, that he had gotten as a gift from a godmother whose name he could never remember. He supposes that he must have liked the ball, as his parents began buying tickets so they can understand what their first child's sudden fixation on the sport is all about.
Even at a very young age, Sae sees the entire world in sequences and strategies; there, he realizes… that's what he is made for.
This is not about football, obviously. It is about something else; a festival that he believes is too over hyped during the coming years. One that will bring him dread as he grows older, never truly able to escape love he believes should be left behind.
Oblivious to the hatred, then eventual sadness he will harbor through the holidays, one-year-old Sae navigates the world through a vision where the only object, or person he could see from a foot away is his soccer ball and the baby bump growing in his mother's belly.
He is told, since the very first month of the pregnancy, that he will be having a sibling— they’re keeping it a surprise on whether it was a girl or a boy, and Sae feels like that wasn’t necessary, because no matter what gender, Sae knows he will grow to love them anyway. All he knew in the early stages of his life was that it was boring, not entertaining, no matter the love his parents give to him and how they cherish him. It all culminated in giving him a sibling, someone he will meet in September. Now, Sae doesn’t understand why they know when the baby is going to come, although he couldn’t help but thrum with excitement on what comes after.
Today, however, is a holiday he will grow to hate— Valentines’ Day, alongside its supplemental holiday of White Day where his father will give his mother reciprocal gifts for her part in Valentines’.
They’re so in love, it makes Sae’s head hurt, but relieved all the same.
His mother, carressing her round belly, is seated on the sofa, making something for his father that involves red paper shaped like hearts. She was minding her own business, when she spots Sae playing with his soccer ball on the living room floor.
His mother smiles warmly at him. “Sae, come here and help your mother make your father’s gift!” She raises her hand, which she’s using to currently make handicrafts for the aforementioned gift.
Sae, not understanding the importance of such a gift, simply carries his soccer ball away from his mother so he can play somewhere in peace without the fear of disrupting his mother’s work, and how he may accidentally kick the ball into his mother’s belly. His baby sibling can kick his mother inside it, but it would be bad if Sae was the one who kicked her belly. His father told him not to practice his soccer skills at the presence of his mother for the baby’s safety, and always lingers when Sae forgets to get the ball too long when his mother is in the vicinity.
Needless to say, Sae takes his mother’s welfare quite well, and nothing is going to stop him from letting his mother know that he will keep her safe by being responsible.
As if he knows what that word means in his mind. He already has a sharp memory despite never gaining the realization he exists until further down the line.
His mother chuckles. “Keep playing with your soccer ball, dear.” His mother never pressured him into joining her activities, always letting him be so that she herself could finish her own task. After she finishes the aforementioned task, that’s where she’ll be attending to her first son before he gets into any harm or accident.
So, Sae does just that. He occassionally sneaks glances towards his mother, noting the warm smile on her face as she gazes upon the gift she is crafting for his father lovingly. He didn’t know she could make such an expression.
Yes, she does make the same expression of warmth when she is with Sae and Rin— however, this one feels different, somehow, and even with his infantile mind can Sae pinpoint that his mother… really, really loves his father. That’s why he was made, after all— made with the love of two people.
Fleetingly, his thoughts stray away from soccer, even just for a moment. Fleetingly, he wonders what that would feel like: having someone to love, to the point you look at them so intensely that the world around you will just melt into oblivion. Into irrelevance, because you’re with the love of your life.
Sae sighs, shaking his head before he's filled of thoughts of red, hearts and love. He guesses that his mind will only love his parents, and then his unborn sibling, and that's it. He doesn’t deem romance important enough to carry on with his new encroaching dream.
When his father comes home, he is greeted with Sae dressed in a onesie filled with hearts. Sae doesn’t remember much else, because his mother turned his body away from her and his father, but he doesn’t fault her for it. He was much focused on his ball, after all.
***
Sae is seven years old when Rin finally inquires him as to why their parents often go on dates every fourteen of February.
Once Rin is properly weaned off after an excruciating birth (Sae overheard from his parents that their mother could never have children again, and Sae pretends he doesn’t understand what that means), his mother began working again, leaving the chores and caretaking to Sae, who stepped up as an older brother.
This leads Sae to become something of a third parental figure in Rin’s life, and with it, disturbing questions he doesn’t want the answer to.
Sae was doing his math homework when Rin notices the onslaught of garish red around the house. Thank goodness he's coming to him for answers— Sae’s getting tired of math and everything surrounding it.
Rin opens the door to their shared bedroom, since he decided to get a glass of water from the kitchen. He must have noticed the garish state of the house, because he locks the doors and approaches Sae with an expecting look.
When he feels Rin hover around him, he closes his math homework and turns to face Rin with a look of appraisal. “What do you need, Rin?”
“Why are there red cakes that are shaped like hearts on our table? And can we eat them? There's a bunch of chocolate in the baskets too, can you tell me we can eat them?”
Sae sighs. He'll just have to explain it as patiently as possible. “Mom baked those cakes before heading to work, so that she wouldn’t need to do it when she's tired and exhausted from work when she comes home.”
Rin nods. “Kind of like our dinner!”
Sae nods. “Yeah, and I'm sure that she'll be buying dinner for us tonight as well. Sweet pastries aren’t really healthy for you.”
Rin frowns. “Does that mean I can't eat them?”
“Pretty much.”
Rin’s lip wobbles. “Not even a little bit?”
“No. That's reserved for dinner when mom and dad come home.” After their date. Bleh.
“Is it your birthday today?” Rin asks.
Sae blinks. “My birthday is on October.”
Rin places his hand on his chest. “Is it my birthday?”
Sae huffs, amused. “No, it's the middle of February. You don't have a birthday today.”
“What are we celebrating?”
“Valentine's Day.”
“What's that?”
“It's just some holiday for lovers, people who love each other very much.”
“So mommy made all of this because she loves us?”
Sae’s eyes light up, as a small smile graces his face. “Yes, she loves us both, and don't you ever deny that. But Valentine's Day isn't for us, it's also for her love for dad.”
Rin’s eyes grow wide in realization. “Oh!” Then, he frowns when he realizes what this means. “Gross.”
Sae chuckles. “Agreed.”
Later that night, their parents arrive from their work and their supposed ‘date,’ stinking of perfume and to both Sae and Rin’s delight, a full meal ready for them both to eat on. Sae and Rin both eat, as their parents retire for the night… although they're not permitting them to eat any of the chocolates, to Rin’s disappointment.
Rin tries to take one from the pile, but Sae, knowing that Rin’s promises of having only just one pocket of chocolate is a stone-faced lie, gently slaps the hand away before he could even take one. Not even Rin’s puppy eyes (a struggle to maintain resistance on) will break Sae’s composure.
Although, he does want the chocolates as well.
***
Rin is eleven when he gets his first chocolates from a girl. Although, the girl wasn’t very upfront with her token of affection for Rin, as she simply slips it on his desk at the end of the day without him noticing. Sae, who is tasked with bringing Rin home from classes, manages to find the acclaimed seat filled with flowers and chocolates, encased in a heart-shaped box.
Sae can’t help but watch in amusement as Rin inspects his desk with the same likeness as a lion timidly approaching his prey. He doesn’t seem to understand why his seat ended up becoming a chocolate paradise, utterly lost at his classmates clapping him on the shoulder for having chocolates. Sae himself had been given chocolates and roses by girls who thought he was cute.
He ate them all and then denied their affections. Perhaps he’ll look at this cold rejection with regret later in the line, but he wasn’t looking for romance, or anything congenial. He wants to become the best in the world in soccer. The greatest striker the world has ever seen.
“Someone is quite admired.” Sae makes his presence known on the doorway, as the teacher leaves the class to their own devices. He regards Rin’s seat with entertainment. Rin immediately turns around to greet his brother, a smile on his face.
“Nii-chan,” he greets, approaching him, an age-old instinct ingrained into him since he'd been a child. He's like a toddling duckling, and honestly, it's cute. “Some girls left these on my desk, and they didn't even give me their names so I can return them.”
Sae cannot help but let a small smile slip on his face. “They're not meant to be returned, they're meant to be reciprocated.” Rin is growing up now— eleven years old and has an ambition to be number two beside Sae. “If you want to return their feelings, of course.”
Rin gives him a funny look, the same kind that tells him he doesn’t quite understand what he means. “Why do I need to return their feelings to them? It's their feelings, not mine. How does that work? Who gave me these chocolates?”
“Do you not understand what this means?” Sae raises a brow. “It means that a girl, or, well, a lot, based on your amount of roses and chocolates, of girls seem to like you and want you to be their boyfriend.” Personally, Sae thinks Rin is too young for any of that. He should focus on getting better at football, so, when he moves to Spain, Rin can catch up to him without any distractions.
Sae wouldn’t mind if he finds a partner. Just… not so soon, when he can still hold his brother tight.
Rin makes a face, brows scrunching together as he figures out what Sae means. “Oh.” He takes a handful of the chocolates and roses and walks to a girl that is still inside the class, discreetly watchig (not really, Sae noticed she was watching the exchange with lingering looks towards Rin and a blush on her face) them. She startles when she finds Rin in front of her seat, wondering if he was going to confess. Sae tilts his head— he doesn’t think Rin is going to reciprocate. He doubts he pays attention to anyone that isn’t Sae at all, stuck in his own world. “Do these belong to you?”
The girl looks surprised by the question, as she nods. “Ah, y-yes…” She stammers, not meeting his gaze. “But you can—”
He places all of the chocolates he was given by her to her desk, and she looks up at him, absolutely flabbergasted.
He explains himself before he gets into the familiar rage one could find in a slighted lover. “I don't reciprocate your feelings, so I don't think I deserve your token of affection. Find someone else that can treat you better than me. I'm super not worth it.”
Sae grimaces as he watches this. He doesn’t pity the girl (she could do better… wait, isn’t she still eleven?), but he is touched by how considerate Rin is of his affections… even though he is probably burying his name in the sand.
The girl takes it as gracefully as she can, like any other eleven-year-old girl whose crush rejected them not from malice, but from genuine disinterest: she blinks, staring at her returned gifts with a puzzled look. “Huh?”
Rin doesn’t grace her with a reply because he marches to his desk to take the chocolates with him, and stalks out of the room.
Sae follows. “What do you think you're doing with those gifts?”
Rin gives his brother a funny look. “Bring them back to the girls who gave this to me.”
Sae raises a brow. “I don't even do that. I eat them all and reject them for White Day.”
Rin rolls his eyes. “You’re just cold-hearted. Also, I'm not like you.”
Sae nods. “You aren't.”
“I don't think I'll ever settle down, Nii-chan. I don't think I'll love someone the way I love soccer.”
Sae shrugs. “Okay.”
He doesn’t say “You'll change your mind,” “We'll see,” or any such phrases. This is Rin’s life, and he is but a mere spectator.
***
“Valentine's Day is a hoax.” Bunny decides to say the harsh, but recognizable truth one day, as he and Sae lounge around Sae’s dorm, escaping the watchful eye of Leonardo Luna. Bunny is lying on Sae’s bed, taking up all the space with his height as he stares at the ceiling with a blank look on his face. His hands were clasped tightly on his torso, making him look like he had died, or is getting ready for a funeral. It does not help that his face was as angelic as his eyes were predatory, red eyes gazing upon the light of the ceiling with intensity. There is no decipherable expression on his face; he was a blank book this time.
Sae raises a brow, looking up from his papers of strategies against rival teams. They're going against the youth team of Barcha soon, so that means both he and Bunny should be on their A game, being the team's strikers. The word ‘striker’ and it being referred to Sae feels so foreign, as foreign as his life in Spain now. “I would have believed a romantic country like Spain would find the holiday opportune.”
Bunny scoffs, sounding offended. The smile returns on his face, blistering bright and angry. “It's not a holiday, because there is nothing holy about what the fourteenth of February entails. It was a holy day, but of course big companies decided to cash in on the expenditure and consumerism it brings them.”
Sae does not care about Valentine's Day. The only thing that keeps his mind sane during this supposed holiday is his parents’ love for each other and for them. However, they're so far away from Sae, oceans and continents away. He grows sick at the thought of the distance, until he pretends he doesn’t care at all.
“I didn’t know it was a holy day.” Sae has met Japanese catholics back in his home country, so it wasn’t much of a surprise when he migrated to Spain and has to contend with differing religions. Although the people who tried to indoctrinate him into Catholicism were hilarious. Sae and Rin come from a Buddhist family, so the schism is funny.
“Do you not know where the name came from?”
“The word Valentine's?”
“It's not a word. It's a name. It belonged to a saint named Valentine. It's a beautiful name, marred by the absolute nonsense that tainted him down the line.” Sae has never heard Bunny speak like that— like he has so much anger in the world, that all he wants is the death of a holiday. He must quite hate the holiday, if that's the case.
Well… the people here are more in-your-face in public than in Japan. Sae has to stop gawking at a couple kissing in the rain like it's a drama, and muse that wow, it actually happens in real life.
“Do you harbor hatred towards the holiday because you have to witness couples doing dirty stuff this day?” Sae asks, a bit amused at the concept.
Bunny sticks his tongue out. “No, it's just… it was a holy day, and then medieval scriptures ruined it. Do you know who Valentine was?”
“I can't say I do.”
“He was a saint. He was killed by the Romans for refusing to give up Catholicism.”
“Oh.” Sae doesn’t know what to say to that. “There’s no hint of love in there.” Except for Valentine’s love for his faith. He can respect that, he supposes.
“They had to make a legend up about how Valentine was in love with the blind daughter whom he healed.”
“You’re rather knowledgeable, don’t you think?”
“I lived in a church my whole life, after…” A trickle of Bunny’s true personality drips, and he immediately rectifies the slip in personality. The smile returns on his face, and Sae has a dislike towards this front. “But Valentine’s Day is still a hoax. Today is a hoax. We should all die to honor Saint Valentine and the bastardization of his feast day.”
Sae turns slightly to look at Bunny. “Now you’re just asking your God to kill you.”
“I wouldn’t mind. He took many things away from me. Why must he keep me in this world when He takes and takes? What is the point of life?”
Sae hums. “I don’t know. Become the greatest in the world? What do you want your purpose in your life to be?”
Bunny looks at him. “I don’t know. It’s pointless, anyway. I’m not teeming with ambition like you, Sae.” His red eyes, as red as blood, as red as any cartoonish heart Sae sees for Valentines’ Day, glint with an undecipherable glance that, later, Sae will identify as predatory, like a rabbit going for the kill.
“… I guess.” Sae looks at him. “Even if you hate the holidays, mind roaming the city with me? As a token of gratitude for letting me come with you to your hometown. His time in Bunny’s hometown all the way in Catalonia had been pleasant, a time away from his asshole teammates with the only person he tolerates. He doesn’t know if he’s a Valentine or not, but he may just be the closest to it, so he wants to return goodwill with goodwill himself.
Bunny stares at him with wide eyes— he looks hilarious when he’s left surprised. “Sae… I would love to.”
Sae nods, standing. “Let’s go.”
He blinks. “Wait, now?”
“Yes, before couples start frolicking around the town proper. Please, I don’t want to be caught between one couple after another.”
“But if we go down there, we’d also be labeled as such!”
“I don’t care.” Sae really doesn’t. Bunny is the only person here worth his while, and despite feeling sick in the stomach when faced with a talented boy who doesn’t know what to do with it, and the doom that comes with that sentiment. “I don’t think you care, either.”
Bunny blinks, and he chuckles. “My my, Sae… I didn’t know you have a rebellious streak.”
Sae rolls his eyes. “Let’s just go before you start talking about how this is a momentous moment for you. You’re not a romantic, despite what your loyal fanbase says.”
Bunny chuckles. “I really cannot be a lover.”
Sae hums. “Why don’t you tell that to someone who you’re willing to love?”
“Yes… maybe I should.”
The two of them close the door to the dorm, leaving the dorm empty.
***
While Sae could feel as if his time is up, his body pretends that it is still in stellar condition, even though it is destroying himself from inside out, outside in. He wasn't well enough ant longer to be moving around the hospital. He can move if he calls for either Rin or his parents, always willing to place him on a wheelchair as they have a stroll outside for one last time.
It feels peaceful, in all honesty. Having a clear mind, no longer having to worry about soccer becoming something he loathes more than everything, as he slowly rots away with the sport. He doubts that he could truly be free from the claws of soccer, and this feels like a cheap, cruel trick fates played upon him to finally get some peace, but he'll take it.
The consequences for this is losing time spent with his family, and the love of his life.
Sae can sense Ryuusei’s presence even before he barges in from the door. He couldn't quite describe how he knows, but… he just knows. His body will strengthen a little, his eyes will droop less, and he won’t sleep as much as heaven will allow him. He feels himself looking forward to each waking day where Ryuusei visits.
Sae hears the sound of a conversation happening outside; it must be Rin and Ryuusei talking. His eyes glance towards the door with a feeling that is close to excitement. The beeping of the heart monitor is distant in his ears, listening to any trace of their conversation, even if he's well aware they're talking about his eventual death.
Ryuusei opens the door, gentler than normal, his humming cracking underneath the calm facade he's sporting. He's neither calm nor the kind of person to crack. Sae tries to sit up, and only ends up slouching upwards on the pillow.
Ryuusei is holding something— when he turns around, he is holding a bouquet of flowers in one hand (flowers with the same color as Sae’s hair, he notes), and a book on the other. He can't help but be piqued by curiosity just looking at it.
“Sae-chan!” Ryuusei greets, trying to keep his voice upbeat as he practically skips over to him like there is no elephant in the room, no weight in his shoulders that have just dropped. “It's been so long!”
Sae lets a small smile grace his face, as he lifts a hand to wave at him. This illness has taken his strength, but it will never take away his love, even if he's only given it too late. “It's only been a day.” He hates how small his voice feels— he thinks that he should just let the doctors pull the plug on him. He can't take this any longer, living in a shell of his body, the looks of everyone's faces unbearable.
There is only so much sadness and pity they have for him that he could bear. And, even if they kept telling him that all is forgiven, he could not forgive himself.
Ryuusei is about to say something— something cheesy, like I can't live without you, Sae! But then he realizes how that sounds, and what their setting currently is right now. The curtains are about to set, and here Ryuusei must begin his final musings. So, he smiles for a bit, pausing to find another comeback to articulate.
“I miss you.” It doesn't sound particularly joyous; it sounds like he is saying it through tears. “It's just— it's been so long.”
“I can understand. The Champion's League has yet to conclude. It's fine if you miss a few days.” It was not the end of the world if Ryuusei is out there winning more trophies for his team. Adrenaline and excitement is the source of his strength; may he always live a life filled with love; may he love like the demon that he was born to be.
Ryuusei places the flowers on the desk, pushing past what is already on it. He takes a sit on one of the stools. “Your parents keeping you company?”
“Of course.” Sae gestures to the small heap of coats and even a bowl of soup cluttered around the hospital room. The steady beeping of the heart monitor returns. “I think they like you. If I was healthy enough, we would be going on a Valentine's Day reunion with my parents.” He frowns slightly. “No, wait… that would mean a double date with my parents. That leaves a sour taste in my mouth.”
Ryuusei chuckles, “They're nice.”
Sae agrees. “They're the best.” He glances at the flowers. “Are these for me?”
Ryuusei nods. “Of course! Happy Valentine's Day, Sae-chan!”
(The two of them pretend that this was a normal Valentine's Day, and that Sae will die in two month’s time after this holiday.)
Sae cannot help but stare at the flowers, pausing. He remembers Iglesias’s words— how they should all die in this day.
Well… Sae is dying now, correct? But that doesn’t mean he’s going to let it put a hamper on this festive day. Ryuusei has always loved this holiday, just so he can give Sae more gifts. So he can remind Sae, while Sae reminds him as well, that they both love each other.
Sae snorts as he takes a closer look at the flowers. “They have the same hair color as I do.”
“I chose it with utmost care!”
Sae sighs, looking at Ryuusei fondly. “Of course you did. How much did this cost you?”
“As if you care about money! You keep spending your cash all on my paintings!”
“Because they're worth my while.”
Ryuusei sighs, “Keep talking like that and you'll have me blushing like a schoolgirl.”
“It's quite easy to get you flustered, so it's not good to exaggerate.”
“You just have a way with words!”
Sae rolls his eyes, knowing that whatever response Sae has to that sentence will be met with Ryuusei making another innuendo. Instead, he looks at the book on Ryuusei's hand. “What's that?”
“Hm?” Ryuusei follows his gaze until it lands on the book. His eyes light up. “Oh, this.” He flips it so that the cover will face Sae. From what Sae could observe, it was a pretty old book, the pages yellowed from use and the flipping. The covers are leather, but Sae can make out the Spanish letters.
“Biblia de Jerusalén,” he reads out loud. He looks at Ryuusei with a deadpan look. “I didn't know that you read liturgical material.”
Ryuusei rolls his eyes. “I don't. Luna gave it to me when he went to visit you. He said he was sorry for everything when he saw me, and gave me his version of the bible.” He opens the book, flipping through the pages. “It's very well-loved, so I don't know why he gave it to me.”
“He must have another copy at home. Why did he give that to you?”
“Apparently so I can spit some verses out to you before you—” Ryuusei's cuts himself off, pauses before he can say a word that begins with the letter ‘d’. “And I'm going to be honest… I don't quite understand the sentiment.”
Sae snorts. “You've never been indoctrinated or asked to join their prayers in PXG?”
“There was an instance with one of the members, but it was only for prayer! Nothing more! I believe in a higher power, and that is ourselves, choosing what to do with our lives.”
“Hm. Lucky. Even though I kept saying I'm not Catholic I'm forced to participate or I'll sound like a godless pagan to them, apparently.”
Ryuusei laughs. “That is so funny. Aren't you Buddhist?”
“Raised as one, but I don't actually care. I don’t think they care, either.” Sae takes the Bible from Ryuusei, flipping through the yellow pages. He hums. “I have the same book as this. It's in my apartment. I have all of the entries about forgiveness and brothers and home underlined. You should find it.”
“I thought you're not the kind to read.”
“The Bible is a good book. It helps pass the time in this shithole known as Spain.” He raises a brow. “Can you even read Spanish?”
Ryuusei chuckles, avoiding his gaze. “Hey, don't look at me like that! I think my brain has enough of Japanese, English and French. Adding Spanish would just fucking decrease my lifespan.”
Sae hums. “Well, don't. If you hear what they speak of me, you'd start using your fists.” He's learned to tune them out, anyways. He knows that it's futile to start being the person they want to be. Even after that eye surgery, they kept making fun of his face. It really doesn't matter in the end.
Ryuusei hums, lost in thought. “If you time traveled back to when you were thirteen, would you have still taken the opportunity?” Sae expected Rin to ask that question— although, he thinks that they are way past it now. That things will not change between them, even if Sae does not go to Spain. The world will find another way to break Sae, after all.
Sae looks at the ceiling. “I don't think I would change my choice, given what I know. What I would have changed would be…” His mind flashes to Rin and the heartache he will leave behind. He closes his eyes for a second, before looking at Ryuusei. “Would be pushing Rin away just like that.”
“Does Rin know you feel this way?”
“I would hope so.” Truth be told, he hadn't told him about this, and Ryuusei himself is aware of that fact.
Ryuusei shrugs. “I think you should tell him, instead of just… gesturing it to him. He needs your approval, appraisal, the verification you care.”
Sae meets his gaze, and he nods. “… I guess the last choice words I gave to his face were… unwise.”
Ryuusei raises a brow, a smirk on his face. “Unwise?” He repeats in a specific lilt, and Sae rolls his eyes.
“I do regret having to tell him that to his face, now that I realized I hurt him.” Sae sighs. “I wish that I can turn back the time to that accursed winter’s day.” His eyes shine with remorse. Truly, there is no describing the regret he feels when he realizes that he died in that snowstorm when Rin looked up at him with an absolutely devastated look.
Ryuusei hums, looking at the ceiling, lost in thought. “Sae-chan, do you believe in reincarnation?”
Sae raises a brow. “Why ask?” Reincarnation seems too optimistic of an afterlife; to be reincarnated into plants or animals, or another person who would be doomed to fuck up the same way with Sae— he wishes that if he was ever reborn, he wouldn't be a brother. That way, he won't give another brother, or a sister, heartache.
“I think I would be someone's paint, preferably the color pink, if ever I was reborn. And you would be a flower.”
“A rose.” Sae assumes, the metaphors of roses and thorns in his mind.
Ryuusei lights up. “Yeah! You'd be a rose, and I'd be the pink paint used to color an emulation of yourself!” Ryuusei holds Sae's hand, all skin and bones, pale beyond belief. Sae focuses on Ryuusei's face.
An impulsive thought suddenly springs to his mind—
Sae wants to marry him. Right before he dies.
Sae thinks this is the moment where he should offer that he is giving Ryuusei permission to go on a date or marry another person, preferably a stranger. That way, Ryuusei can start over; a stone slab in the face of his lost love, someone to share the life he yearns with Ryuusei. Someone who can give him what he wants.
But he knows Ryuusei. He knows that he'll vehemently deny ever searching for another person because they aren't Sae, romantic and overwhelming all at once.
And this conversation is already heavy without that feeling.
He should let Ryuusei say what he wants to say.
“Sae… you complete me. And… I'm afraid that, when you… you succumb to this, I'll be left incomplete. Shattered beyond belief.” Ryuusei's lip trembles, looking up at Sae. Unshed tears line his eyes.
Sae feels sympathy coursing through him, using his thumb to wipe the tears away before they could pour. “Ryuusei, don’t say that. You’re already a complete man without me. I just made you realize you’re complete. Promise me that you’ll heal after I die.” Sae is not the kind of man to beat around the bush. If he’s going to die, then so be it. It’s ridiculous to beat around the bush about things like these.
Ryuusei sniffs, his grip on his hand becoming tighter, although not by much. It feels more like a lover’s caress more than anything. “Don’t tell me to move on. I just can’t.”
Sae leans closer so he can embrace the love of his life with fervor and longing. How he longs to return to the good old days with him; able to look into the sun and hold Ryuusei’s hand. Let Ryuusei paint him in his prime, and not the sickly pallor he sports.
Ryuusei was art, and he was a masterpiece. Sae is lucky to have him.
“I won’t. I love you all my life, until the end. You must love me until the end, Ryuusei.” But I won’t be mad if you come to the afterlife with another person linked in your arms. “I’ll be waiting for you, in whatever afterlife.”
Ryuusei takes a deep breath, and he silently rests his shoulder on Sae’s. He doesn’t comment on Sae’s selfish wish. He stays with him. “I want to get married, Sae. I want to bind you with me.”
“How sentimental.” But Sae does not scoff, because he had been vocal about this wish as well. “Get an officiating license, then we can get hitched.”
Ryuusei smiles, but it’s marred by the smudged eyeliner and haggard look. “Wait for me to get that officiating license, okay? And a ring.”
Sae smiles faintly. “I won’t die before we get married. I promise.”
(In his last day alive, Sae feels his ring before being injected.)
***
There is a gravestone with no body on it that resides in Spain, not Japan. His ashes are with his family, but a headstone stands tall in the cemetery as a memorial for Sae Itoshi.
It's flooded with flowers every single year since his untimely death.
Every Valentine's, a bouquet of roses comparable to his hair color rests upon the headstone.