Chapter Text
stuck in the same place
over and over
I'm growing tired
After assassins had waited for Jason in his own apartment, Jason had gotten into the habit of being more cautious and expecting the worst. Dick had promised that Tim’s alarm system was better than anything else on the market, but knowing and trusting were two different things.
Jason knew Dick wouldn’t lie to him, but it still took him six months to relax and stop entering his apartment with a gun in his hand. Old habits die hard, especially when you’re used to there always being someone in this world who is better than you.
It shouldn’t have surprised Jason that as soon as he considered a habit unnecessary, he was immediately proven wrong. Jason had just returned home from dinner at Rossi’s after closing a case and was greeted by light coming from the living room. The rest of the apartment was dark. No light in the bedroom or the small bathroom. Instead, Tim Drake was sitting cross-legged on Jason’s couch, typing away on his laptop.
Jason sighed loudly, but hung his jacket on the coat rack and took off his shoes before carefully stepping into the living room. Jason hadn’t seen Tim often; in fact, the last time felt like a decade ago. Back then, the boy had been sixteen, and Jason had taken advantage of his youth and slit his throat.
A lot of time had passed since then. Jason had heard Dick talk about Tim often, but it hadn’t helped to make the boy seem more human. To Jason, Tim Drake was just someone who reminded him of all the mistakes he had made, foremost among them almost killing an innocent child out of anger.
That was probably why Jason didn’t kick Tim out immediately, even though Tim had simply invaded his safe space and didn’t even have the decency to look up from his screen. As if he didn’t care that no one had invited him into this apartment.
“You could have at least taken off your shoes. Do you know how hard it is to get stains out of leather?”
“It’s faux leather, and I’ll buy you a new couch,” Tim replied in a bored tone. His relaxed attitude seemed to scream that this triviality was not worth his attention.
Jason sighed and forced himself to breathe calmly so as not to lose his temper. He didn’t want to hurt Tim again, but he had had a stressful week and it was hard not to see Tim as a mini-Bruce.
Focused on a computer screen instead of looking Jason in the eye during their conversation? Check.
No understanding that furniture could be treated with respect instead of being replaced after two weeks? Also, check.
Jason would have loved to bring it up and point out that not everyone had ten million dollars in their bank account, but that would only have made Jason even more annoyed.
“Tim, what are you doing here?” Jason asked instead. A nice, direct question. You couldn’t go wrong with that.
Sure enough, Tim closed his laptop and looked up. The first thing Jason noticed was how tired he looked. Tim must have been around twenty-four years old by now, but his face looked younger, while his entire facial expression screamed that he had seen enough suffering for a lifetime.
Simply put, Tim Drake had the appearance of having been eaten and expelled.
“I’m taking a break from Bruce, Gotham, and everything in between.”
Everything in between was probably Robin. Jason didn’t blame him for not wanting to say it out loud; after all, Robin was the reason Jason had been so angry with him. Now, with all those years in between and healthy relationships in his life, it seemed ridiculous to Jason. It was hard to see himself as the person he used to be.
“And you come to me? Can’t you afford a luxury suite?”
Tim looked at him unimpressed as he placed his laptop on the small coffee table and uncrossed his legs. His shoes looked reasonably clean, otherwise, Jason would probably have prevented him from putting them on the carpet and standing up.
“Of course I can afford it, but your apartment is off-limits to Bruce, and that means this is the only place in the whole world where time off is really time off.”
Tim was a good head shorter than him and probably wouldn’t grow any more. But he didn’t seem to mind, and he spoke with such confidence that he seemed accustomed to not being listened to unless he made himself heard.
“Fine by me, but leave your shoes at the door. Did you get a kitchen permission from Alfred?”
Jason turned to the kitchen and was satisfied when he saw out of the corner of his eye that Tim was moving toward the entrance and slipping out of his shoes instead of untying his shoelaces.
“I can cook without setting anything on fire, but my food apparently tastes bland,” he explained loudly so he could be heard across the distance. After all the bombs Jason had heard go off in his life, he was actually grateful for that.
“Then you can help cut the vegetables. Any allergies I need to know about?”
“To kill me?”
Jason twisted his head toward Tim. He had expected some sideswipe after all, he had never apologized directly to Tim for his behavior, but now it had caught him off guard. But Tim didn’t look angry, instead he smiled awkwardly.
“Too soon?” he asked, as if he really thought Jason would take it as a joke and laugh.
“It’s your trauma. I don’t really have a say in it.”
Tim just shrugged as he took the bell pepper from Jason’s hand and held it under the faucet.
“Honestly, I think it’s more your trauma than mine. Catwoman stopped the bleeding pretty quickly, and I wouldn’t even put it in my top 10 worst injuries.”
Jason blinked several times before shaking his head. “I hope you know how messed up that is.”
Tim didn’t answer, and that was really cause for concern.
Jason forced himself to relax his shoulders and enjoy the peace and quiet. It wasn’t just his past and what he had done to Tim. He himself was the problem. Getting used to new people was never easy, and Jason knew he had a hard time trusting others.
Dick would certainly have warned him if he thought Tim could ever be dangerous to him, but that didn’t stop things from going wrong today. One of them — probably Jason — could say something that would tip the neutral mood into negativity. Jason didn’t even know how long Tim wanted to stay at Jason’s apartment. As far as he knew, Tim could have broken into his apartment three days ago, since he had been out of state.
Cooking helped him organize his thoughts a little, but Jason already knew he wouldn’t sleep a wink that night because there was so much on his mind. It would be impossible to tell his head to draw a line under it and get back to work tomorrow.
Jason divided the portion between a plate and a food container. Tim seemed more than confused when he saw Jason sit down at the table and push the plate toward him.
“I just came from dinner, but something tells me you haven’t eaten yet.”
The apartment didn’t smell like food when he entered, and he hadn’t seen any food containers in the trash, so he assumed that Tim hadn’t eaten anything since he arrived. On the one hand, it was probably just polite when staying with someone unannounced, but on the other hand, it wasn’t healthy.
Tim looked as if he wanted to protest, but then changed his mind and picked up the fork. At the first bite, his eyes widened in surprise, before he even smiled slightly. Jason relaxed a little, which was a mistake, because Tim seemed to take it as permission to ask a question. Jason was supposed to be the one peppering him with questions.
“You were with your team, right? You get along well, from what I can see and from what Barbara and Dick have told me. What exactly do they know about your past?”
Jason raised an eyebrow. “I thought Dick had already told Batman. They already guessed that I used to be Robin, and I just confirmed it.”
Tim didn’t seem impressed, but he continued to eat obediently, and that was at least a small success. Why exactly it made Jason happy to see a boy he didn’t know eating something in his apartment was a question he had no answer to.
“Yes, Dick mentioned something like that and repeated a thousand times that it wasn’t a problem and that our identities weren’t in danger. Which, of course, isn’t true, but there’s not much we can do about it. Batman hates memory manipulation through magic, and if he goes after an entire FBI department, it’s too risky. In the end, many more people would know his identity than is currently the case.”
Tim approached the matter logically and with arguments, but all Jason heard was how similar Tim and Bruce sounded. Bruce had really managed to raise a younger version of himself.
A detective, according to Dick.
“With all this talk about Bruce, you’d think you weren’t taking a break after all,” Jason remarked, because he didn’t want to talk about Bruce. He had fervently hoped that this chapter in his life was finally over. He was no longer a hero, he was no longer a crime boss. He was Jay Peters, FBI agent and member of the BAU.
“Because taking time off is as easy as flipping a light switch. Tell me, Jay, have you stopped thinking about the case in Kansas yet?”
Jason’s expression darkened, which made Tim grin with satisfaction. He had won the argument, and he liked it very much. Of course, it wasn’t possible to just leave work behind like that. The case had ended well, but it hadn’t even been a day since Jason had been working on the profile of their UnSub. It would take time before he stopped thinking about it, even though Tim’s presence helped a lot.
“How do you manage to reconcile it with your conscience that you tell them about Robin, your death, and your hatred of Batman, but not that you’ve taken on the alias Red Hood?”
Jason couldn’t stop his hands from clenching into fists, and before he could say something harsh in reply, he stood up abruptly and grabbed Tim’s empty plate and cutlery. The water he ran into the sink was a touch too hot, but he used it to wash up anyway. The heat helped him keep his cool.
It was a valid question, and he had often thought about it, but a large part of him screamed that it was none of Tim’s business. Tim would tell Batman, and Batman would use it against him as soon as the opportunity arose.
“I’m not that person anymore.”
Tim hummed to indicate that he had heard the answer. Jason was almost certain that Tim’s next words were not meant for his ears. “Can it be that simple?”
“You can have my bed. I changed the sheets before I left, so it’s more hygienic than the couch.” Not that Jason’s used his couch often, and a sheet would have taken care of that.
“It’s your apartment, I don’t want to overstep.”
“And it’s your vacation,” Jason said firmly, ending the discussion. He didn’t know why he was giving Tim his bedroom. Maybe because it was less personal than the rest of his apartment? There were photos of his coworkers hanging here, and this was where he spent most of his free time. Jason sat on the sofa while he talked to Babs on the phone or read his books. It was his place, and his gut told him it was easier to give his bedroom to Tim than to know that Tim was getting a glimpse into his life.
When Tim bent down to pick up his laptop from the table, Jason shook his head. “Sleep or work. We both know what you should be doing during your time off.“
Tim glared at him, but left the laptop where it was and disappeared into the bedroom.
“Good night!” he called through the door, and Jason replied.
It was twenty minutes later before Jason allowed himself to breathe a sigh of relief and take out his cell phone. It rang twice, then Dick picked up.
“Jay! I didn’t think I’d hear from you again so soon. What’s up?”
Jason closed his eyes briefly and collected himself. Dick sounded cheerful, and that felt good, but at the same time it disturbed Jason that Dick could sound so cheerful when something was wrong with Tim. It wasn’t normal to just show up at the apartment of someone who had tried to kill you! It was also unusual to not say how long you intended to stay.
Tim Drake might be Robin and Dick’s brother, but he had no basic knowledge of how to behave as a guest. Unfortunately, Jason knew all too well why that was: it wasn’t on Bruce’s agenda for good sons. Instead, it was more important to know how to throw a Batarang and use a grappling hook.
“Are you missing a little bird?” Jason asked, surprising himself at how fed up he sounded. Tim wasn’t a toddler and hadn’t been screaming. Jason should have had more energy than he was feeling right now. When had he gotten so old? How did someone only two years younger make Jason feel so old? It wasn’t fair.
“Tim? No, he’s with Bruce this weekend, why?” Dick no longer sounded happy, as if he was afraid of what he was about to hear. As far as Jason knew, Babs and Dick had started limiting Tim’s time with Bruce to two weekends a month. Tim was of legal age and could therefore live alone in his penthouse, and he also spent time with Dick in Blüdhaven or with his friends from Young Justice. From what he knew of Tim, Jason was sure there was a fixed schedule that he rarely deviated from.
“Because he’s with me.”
“What? Say again.” Dick laughed nervously, as if hoping Jason would laugh too, but that laugh never came. “Shit, okay. Is he hurt?”
“Didn’t look like it. He just said something about taking some time off.”
Dick didn’t say anything for a while before sighing loudly. “Do you mind that he’s with you? I can come pick him up or talk to him.”
Jason shook his head. That wasn’t what Tim wanted. Jason shouldn’t even have called Dick, but he needed to talk to someone about it. Someone had to know where Tim was, because Jason could be called away at any moment to work on a fresh case.
“No, he can stay. I think this break is good for him, and from what you’ve told me, it’s a colossal success that he’s taking this break on his own.”
Jason could still remember getting sick as a child. He didn’t want to miss his patrol under any circumstances and thought he would be a disappointment as Robin if he wasn’t out in Gotham even for one night. Disappointing Gotham or Batman always hurt, and Jason couldn’t remember ever admitting to himself that taking time off was the right thing to do.
“Okay. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll see if I can find out if anything happened in Gotham. Tim likes to hide injuries, so it would be great if you could ask him about it tomorrow. Just to be on the safe side.”
“I will,” Jason promised, even though he knew Tim wouldn’t hesitate to lie to him.
“Thanks,” Dick whispered again.
Tim sighed silently as his head leaned against the door. He hadn’t asked Jason to keep quiet, so he had no right to be angry with him. In fact, Jason had done him a favor, because now Dick wouldn’t be calling him in a few days to check on him.
It was just that Tim was tired. He went to Jason because he knew Bruce wouldn’t dare show up here or interfere. It would take a lot for Bruce to decide that a conversation with his children was more important than getting into another fight with Superman and half the Titans. Because that’s exactly what would happen if Jason wasn’t left alone in his new life. Dick had fought hard for it, and Tim had invested a lot of energy in making that clear to Bruce.
Why?
Tim didn’t owe Jason anything, but perhaps part of him knew that he would need this refuge at some point. He was trained to think ahead. Yes, self-interest was the reason Tim had helped Jason build a quiet life for himself since the assassins’ attack a year ago. Even if Jason probably wouldn’t call it a quiet life. As a retired antihero, it was easy to forget how stressful his old life had been.
As quietly as possible, Tim went to bed when he heard that the phone call had ended. Tim had said that he was here for a break, but perhaps Jason already suspected that Tim needed someone who understood what Bruce’s upbringing could do to a person.
Dick would understand too, but Dick would make a big deal out of it. Jason, on the other hand, didn’t know Tim. He might just listen, understand Tim, and not get involved. That was what Tim needed right now, but you didn’t always get what you needed.
I feel my heart stop beating
but my soul is still alive
and I'm prepared to fight until I die