Chapter Text
Loki sighed. He knew what he had to do...he just didn’t want to do it.
With the Temporal Loom constantly melting down no matter what they tried to do to stabilise it, there was only one option. It had to be replaced and he was the only one who could do it. However doing so would mean achieving his greatest fear. He would be alone for all eternity. He would be sealed off from everything and everyone he cared about. The mere thought that this was to be his eternity sent a cold shiver down his spine.
He sighed again. He didn’t want this. He had once claimed he was burdened with glorious purpose but that had been a lie he told himself to justify his actions. Now he really was burdened with it and he wasn’t sure that he had the strength to carry it.
Wanting to give himself both as much time as possible and distract himself from what now seemed inevitable, he used his time slipping ability to say goodbye to everyone he cared about. He knew he couldn’t tell them the truth, but at least he could see them and interact with them one last time.
Wanting to prolong his fate for a little while longer he decided to make sure that he hadn’t forgotten to say goodbye to anyone. He used his time slipping ability to gain access to where the TVA kept the files on everyone and searched for his own. He soon found it and made his way to the room where Mobius had shown his own file to him soon after the decision had been made to bring him onboard to catch Sylvie. He really hoped it was all still set up.
To his surprise it was. He let out a sigh of relief. Thankfully he hadn’t come across anyone else so far and he hoped it stayed that way. He set the machine up and sat down to watch his life play out before his eyes once again. It was still incredibly strange to watch life play out like a Midgardian movie, but at least this way he could make sure he left no loose threads before the inevitable. He set up the machine and hit play. Once again he watched his life play out on a screen. He watched events he knew and those he would never live. A myriad of emotions stormed together inside him as he watched. Just like last time he was left with more questions than answers. If he had more time he might have reflected on the difference between the life he was meant to live and the life he had led.
As he was paying more attention this time there was something peculiar that captured his attention. During the time he was pretending to be Odin he saw a woman frequently visiting his chambers. It wasn’t a surprise to see himself taking a lover. What was a surprise was the domesticity of it. There seemed to be an easiness and casual nature to their interactions that he couldn’t remember having with anyone. As he watched the scenes play out he realised that he recognised the woman.
Sigyn.
She had been one of his mother’s handmaidens. She was a true beauty. She had flame red hair, vivid green eyes and a unique skill set. She had received a warrior’s training like many in Asgard, but she could also forge and repair weapons. She could also use magic. She had originally come from Vanaheim and was present in Asgard due to some kind of diplomacy. He’d never cared to find out the details. He’d been far too self-absorbed, but it hadn’t prevented them from bonding over the years. She too had been an outcast in Asgard and she’d been genuinely intrigued by his magic and mischief. Looking back he realised that she had been his only friend in Asgard. He’d often sought her out and enjoyed her company due her general indifference towards Thor and her interest in him. So it was no surprise that they’d ended up becoming lovers. If only his time in Asgard hadn’t been tainted by constantly living in Thor’s shadow. No-one but Sigyn put him first. For everyone else it was all Thor, Thor, Thor. He’d lost count of how many people had approached him over the years hoping that he would introduce him to his brother. He’d been passed over or used to get to Thor far more often than he cared to admit. It still stung to think about, made worse by the revelations of his birth. He wondered if that was why he had sought her out again upon returning to Asgard a free man, even if he was masquerading as the All-father.
The next scene to play out made him stand up and slowly approach the screen. He watched as Sigyn rushed to him in the All-father’s chambers where she revealed news that made his heart stop and he let out an audible gasp.
She was pregnant.
She carried his child.
He gasped and then choked on the lump that was suddenly formed in his throat. He watched as she told this original him the news and their following discussion of what they were going to do next. He was going to be a father. He had been a father. He was a father.
He remembered his words to Sylvie that despite his many affairs and dalliances over the centuries that nothing had ever been real. That clearly wasn’t true. Sigyn clearly meant more to him than a casual encounter. She wasn’t just a body to warm his bed. Something had clearly changed the nature of their relationship when he’d returned to Asgard. He wondered what it was. Had their relationship always been on the cusp of more, or had it been something that developed while he’d committed his greatest deception?
He thought back to their relationship prior to his fall. He and Sigyn had been both friends and lovers, which certainly made her an exception. Things had been different with her. She’d stood out from others. Friendship was not something he had with his partners yet he’d had it with her. Maybe it was his youth that had prevented him from seeing what was right in front of him. Maybe it was the fact that he’d been so consumed by his jealousy and envy of Thor that he realised now that he had ignored whatever was between them. Maybe he hadn’t been willing to see it. Whatever it was it was clear that he’d taken their connection and her acceptance of him for granted.
He fast forwarded through other scenes of his life and focused on any that contained Sigyn. He watched as her belly grew round as their child grew. He watched their last kiss. He watched the intimate nature of their relationship that had nothing to do with sex. However he could watch no more as his file stopped with the attack by Thanos. Tears fell freely from his eyes at the thought that this unexpected family of his might have been killed by the Mad Titan.
He collapsed into the seat and held his face in his hands and cried. He wondered how he’d missed this in his file before but then he had sped through it. It took a while to compose himself but once he had he wiped his face and packed away his file. He returned to file storage room and replaced his file. He then searched for Sigyn’s. He needed to know what became of her and their child.
It took him longer than he would’ve liked to find it but he did. He returned to the other room and set her file up with shaking hands. He clicked play, dreading what he was about to find out. He sped through most of her life until the destruction of Asgard. He watched as she was led to the ship that would serve as the refuge for the people of Asgard. His nerves grew with each second that passed. He watched with bated breath as Thanos attacked the ship.
He let out a sigh of relief when he saw that she had survived the attack. He then saw her settle on New Asgard. He could see how these events had taken a lot out of her, especially given the late stage of her pregnancy. He was never more thankful for Thor and his inability to let him go when he saw Thor supporting Sigyn in the move.
He then watched, with tears streaming down his face, as his son was born. He was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. He looked perfect. His laugh echoed Sigyn’s when he saw that the boy had inherited his dark hair. He smiled as he listened to her jokingly complain that she had carried and birthed the child only for him to come out looking like his father. However his joy was tampered by envy and sadness. He wasn’t there. He hadn’t been there to see his son come into the world. Instead Thor had stood by her side as she birthed him. Although he did laugh as Thor celebrated the birth of his nephew.
Sigyn was never more beautiful than when she held their son in her arms.
“Narvi,” he whispered.
The weight of his son’s name was heavy on his tongue. His heart broke as he realised that he would never know his son and his son would never know his father.
He turned the machine off. He could bear to see Sigyn’s life no longer. He sat in stunned silence. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks and he could hear his heart beating in his ears. He leaned forward and tried in vain to calm himself down. Instead he began sobbing. He had never given much thought to children or being a family man. It had never been on his radar, or something he had sought, yet he was now a father. Sigyn had given him a child. A child he would never know. Sigyn would raise their son on her own. He couldn't help but wonder what fate awaited the boy. Would the stigma of being his son follow him, just as the stigma of being Jotun followed him?
He placed a hand over his mouth at the thought of condemning his son to a life of trials and tribulations merely based on the fact that he was his father. He couldn't bear the thought of his child suffering because of him. He would take whatever condemnation people could throw at him if it meant his son got to live free from torment and suspicion.
The next move he made was a reckless one. It was stupid and risky but he needed to do it. He could not do what needed to be done if he didn’t. So, after packing Sigyn’s file away, he used his time slipping ability to travel to New Asgard.