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It seemed to have happened so suddenly, but at the back of her mind, Ragatha knew it was a long time coming.
And all she could do was stand in place and watch silently, as the person that she oh so desperately tried to get close to and become friends with, walks away to spend time with the one who has done nothing but push away and repeatedly torment her.
And the worst part was, that even though she couldn't understand why Pomni would choose to hang out with Jax over her, for Ragatha it still very much felt like it was her own fault.
Looking to her other side, confirmed that the rest of the group walked off as well, no one even batting an eye her way. The only thing that stayed with her, was a slowly creeping feeling of self-loathing and numbing sadness. Not much time had to pass, for her instincts to catch up, and to make her retrieve back to her room. To not be seen as anything but positive, out in the open.
Her thoughts wandered back to today’s adventure, while she made her way through the halls. How she slipped out a few things about her life before getting trapped in here, about her, well... troubled upbringing.
The looks she received from everyone.
Nobody wants to hear you self-deprecate yourself, now do they?
She mentally scolded herself for opening up and everything else she said.
And once the door behind her closed, the mask was off. Both in her expression and posture. And she didn’t even realize when her hands ended up tugging at her yarn strands.
Ugh... I made everything so weird... I made myself look so weird.
A shaky breath escaped her and her hands loosened.
Maybe if I stay here long enough, they’ll forget I said anything. And then all could go back to normal.
But then again, what was normal? For her to not cause any conflict, to remain positive and pleasant? That’s what they wanted from her, right?
But did they really? And did she even had that in herself anymore?
Suddenly becoming highly aware of the surrounding silence, part of her quietly wished that someone would knock on her door. That her absence didn’t go unnoticed, or perhaps that any of them figured, that she might need someone to at least sit with her, after today.
But she knew better, about how things always were in here. And that maybe was her fault too.
She sat at her desk with a blanket over her shoulders, where a last unfinished sewing project laid discarded. As much as she wanted to just waste away in bed, she knew that busying herself with something would occupy her thoughts, at least a bit.
Her hands worked absent-mindedly, which ironically gave her mind too much room to wander and think again. Everything replaying again and again, adding onto each other and coming to conclusions. Her vision started to become blurry, making it hard to keep sewing.
"What are you even crying about you idiot...?" She bitterly whispered to herself, as she wiped the tears.
And even as she tried to keep going, a statement gradually settled over her. One she knew for a while, but always kept pushing back, telling herself that she still has time, that there are always more chances to come. Yet every time, that thought seemed more and more undeniable. Like a sentence placed on her, set in stone. Her eye stared blankly at the desk, finding herself sitting frozen in silence.
I really am never going to find out what it's like to be loved back. I will probably abstract before ever knowing that feeling.
It slowly but undeniably surrounded her entire being with an icy grip. The thought that one day, her grip on her sanity and herself might loosen enough that she’d dissolve into something incomprehensible, without ever having known what it’s like to be held the way she held others.
So she just kept staring at her desk, tearful and unfocused, for who knows how long.
But eventually, as a heavy fog settled over her thoughts, her head ended up hitting the desk. She didn't have a skull in her doll body, and her head was filled with cotton, so it didn’t hurt all that much. It felt strangely good actually. So after a moment she did it again. And then again.
Thud.
It seemed grounding in a way. Like she was a little bit closer to feeling real and alive as she made contact.
Thud.
She wasn’t even sure what she was trying to accomplish. Was it punishment, or maybe relief? Maybe both. It felt pathetic, she felt pathetic. Yet she couldn’t stop.
Thud.
She knew that no one would stop her or notice. Or come in to comfort her. So what was stopping her from doing that?
Thud.
She stayed there, her head against the flat surface, arms limp at her sides, as emptiness settled over her.
Only for her to quickly lift her head not much later, as if touched by fire, while clarity and shame caught up. Tightly covering her mouth, silent tremors shook through her body. Never has she thought that she'd actually result to hurting herself in such way.
"Oh god, what am I doing...?"
She looked at where head had just been, suddenly feeling impossibly far away from herself. Like she had just watched someone else do that. But no, it was her.
Looking back at her bed, the thought of going back to it seemed tempting once again. The realization and the reality of what she just did left her momentarily unable to move once again. That was until she eventually forced herself to take those few steps that were between her and the warm covers, even if part of her feared, that she might end up having a hard time getting up from it later.
***
She didn't really know when she fell asleep, while trying to hug herself for comfort, or how much time has passed. But an uncertain knock on her door managed to somewhat awake her.
"Ragatha?"
Came a careful voice from the other side. Even while still half asleep, Ragatha registered it as Pomni's.
"Are you coming on today's adventure?"
The sleepiness and emotional toll from the previous evening had the doll only manage a quiet mutter in reply "...not feeling to well."
It really was out of the ordinary for her to admit to feeling something less than positive. It made the girl on the other side pause.
"...Oh, alright, you sit this one out then. I'll tell Caine-..." Pomni’s words turned distant and melted away, as Ragatha drifted off again.
***
She opened her eye, able to think clearly again. Sitting up on her bed, she tried to process everything.
What time was it? Did she oversleep? Wait Pomni... was she actually here? She didn’t dream that, did she? Oh... she really did stay behind, she couldn’t remember the last time that happened, if ever. She always tagged along, even at times really didn't feel like it. Someone's gotta keep the group together, right?
Looking at the clock did confirm her suspicion. That by this time, everyone most likely has already been sent out on the adventure by Caine.
While trying to recall the previous evening she glanced towards her desk, which was quick to fill her with discomfort and unease, so wanting to look elsewhere brought her gaze back over to her bed instead.
Her eye lingered over the fluffy pillows and the many stuffed animals that she made for herself, over the course of her time in this digital world. And now it seemed like a good time to make another. A bigger one. One that would be perfect for hugging. One that would actually feel like a warm presence beside her when lying in bed. If she didn’t want to go insane too quickly, she could really use something like that right about now.
And oh how the doll wished she had someone to hug her. Truth be told, she longed for that for a while now, yet the lack of closeness got to her especially strongly today.
She immediately regretted acknowledging that thought, as the need was quick to manifest itself physically. And the more she thought about that, the more uncomfortably itchy her plush body became.
Since she did stay behind, maybe she could take this time to work on that, to keep her mind off things?
It’s been a while since she made a plushie too. And right then, that would probably be the only thing to get her out of bed. So she decided to go for it, before that tiny rush of motivation had the chance to leave her.
Taking her kit, she headed towards the main area, not wanting to look at her desk anymore. Well, it's not like anyone else would be there.
***
Their usual hanging spot by the couches, was empty, just as she expected. While a little overwhelming, it also felt peaceful. To not have to put on a smile and explain herself, and overthink every little action she’d take.
“Hmm... something soft... something huggable.” she muttered under breath, looking through the assortment of fabrics she brought with herself.
She didn’t really know how much time had passed as she started sewing. Her head was empty, and her thoughts surprisingly muted compared to last night. It was just her and the thread, moving through the material.
“Hah... I just hope I won’t result to talking to whatever I make, if I stay in this silence for too long.” The doll smiled a bit, realizing that she was in fact speaking out loud to fill the quiet. What she didn’t expect though, was to get a response.
"Hm, I wouldn't say that’d be the weirdest thing anyone's ever done in here." Came a familiar, monotone voice from another side, almost making Ragatha jump. Right, Zooble.
She shouldn't be surprised to see them here, really. They skipped on adventures almost every day, yet maybe she expected that they went this time, since she didn't? Or maybe because they went along on the last one. Either way, she wasn't sure if she was happy or anxious to have company. Yesterday left her with a nagging feeling, that everyone would start looking at her differently, after what she confessed.
She put on a smile, that at this point has clearly been worn out. "Just working on a little art project, that's all." she explained a little too quickly.
"Ah, stress sewing. I see." They concluded calmly, with what might have been a hint of humor, while taking a seat beside the doll. “Hope you don’t mind company.”
“O-oh, no! Of course not! I hope that you don’t mind to have me here though. Since you usually like to be left alone when we get sent away by Caine, haha...” she replied, still talking a little bit too quickly, her eye intensely focused on her lap and she continued her work.
They shrugged “Nah, I don’t mind. Guess I just never expected you to be the one to stay.”
“Hah, yeah me too. I must have overslept...”
There was a bit of silence, that for Zooble might have been comfortable, while for Ragatha it was anything but.
Say something, do something, don’t make this more awkward!!!
“S-so! How was your day Zooble!?” She asked the first thing that came to her mind, but the hit of confusion in the look she got, made her bite her tongue.
“Um, fine I guess? Just woke up as well. And hid form Caine. That’s all really.” Their tone wasn’t annoyed, no matter how much Ragatha saw it as such.
Another pause.
"Hey Zooble I’m..." she bit her lip, the looming anxiety not leaving her alone, as she recalled the last time they really talked, the day before. "I'm sorry about yesterday and all-" she resulted to apologies as she always did.
And the mismatched figure only raised an eyebrow at that, even more confused than before "What are you apologizing for?"
“I don’t know... about making things awkward yesterday... about making things awkward now. I said too much, I guess. At your bar adventure. I weirded everyone out and dumped all that heavy stuff. That’s not really... me. I try not to be like that.” She sighed “...and now you have to sit here with me, and hear about it all over again... “
“Hey Ragatha, look I don't mind having you around, you know? Yeah, your attitude can be a lot, but I know that you're really trying. And that's really admirable honestly." Looking away, they added a little lower "Especially with god knows how long you've been here. And all things considered, you've always respected my space."
The genuine honesty caught the doll a little off guard. For a moment she wasn’t even sure how to reply to that.
“And hey” Before she could even say anything else, Zooble simply continued. "What you said at the bar, about your mom? I get that. Maybe not in the exact same way as you, but still." Their expression carried empathy.
That had the doll finally look back at them. “...you do?”
They nodded. "And I know it probably feels like you shouldn't have said all that, am I right? But honestly, it's a good thing you did."
"Saying not so positive things is still hard for me though." Ragatha admitted with a sad smile, occupying her hands with sewing once again. But their words have already made her feel a little more safe to open up.
"Then how about I share something about myself, something less positive, and in return you do the same?" They suggested. "Could be something small, anything you're comfortable with, honestly."
“Well... if you’re ok with that.” She tangled her plush fingers into the thread.
"Let's see then." Zooble hummed in thought. "My parents weren't really thrilled about me, you know, going against the norms. They never really accepted the real me, kept deadnaming me and all that." A sigh. "But well, that's how it is sometimes, no need wasting your time on people who aren’t willing to accept you."
Ragatha listened intently, her heart immediately going out to them, especially with how much she understood this particular struggle. Guess they really did get her, like they said. “Oh Zooble, I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that.”
“It’s fine. Not like their opinion ever mattered that much to me anyway.” Their voice softened. “But thanks.” And with a supportive expression, they nodded her way. “Your turn.”
There was a moment of silence, as the leftover dread form what she did yesterday, made its way to the surface of Ragatha’s mind. The guilt screaming at her louder than before, begging to be let out.
"I...um” She tried so hard to hide the sudden shake in her breath. “...I bashed my head against a desk a few times yesterday..." she finally broke the silence, staring intensely at her lap, her throat feeling tight, as those words left her mouth.
Zooble didn’t say anything at first.
Ragatha on the other hand immediately wished she hadn’t said anything. Her fingers began trembling over the fabric she was holding, the shame burning hot in her cheeks.
“...s#@t” They finally said quietly. It wasn’t mean or sarcastic. Just a raw, real reaction.
But then they let out a breath, their voice steadier. “I’m glad you told me. Really, I know stuff like that is not easy to admit to.”
Ragatha was still looking down. She wanted to reply somehow and maybe explain herself, but right now, speaking seemed impossible.
They took note of her silence, her posture. It was clear they needed to be gentle about this. And that she probably wouldn't say anything more on the matter.
“I know we can’t exactly get injured in here, but still... I’ve been there too. I know what it feels like.” After a pause they added. “If you ever feel like doing that again, tell someone, ok? Can be me, I wouldn’t mind, promise.”
She looked at Zooble briefly and nodded. And once she finally did find her voice, all she could say was "Hey Zooble...? If it were ok with you, could I ask for a...hug?" Her words got progressively lower and lower in volume, suddenly feeling very stupid and exposed for having even asked that.
Zooble averted their gaze for a second, yet their expression wasn't unkind. There seemed to be a genuine sincerity in their demeanor. No sarcastic remark, as Ragatha feared.
Just a simple "Alright, come here." instead.
It was a little stiff and strange, but Ragatha quickly melted into the embrace. God, she really needed this so much.
Zooble resulted to slightly rubbing gentle circles onto her back. It felt a bit awkward at first, but not necessarily in a bad way. Ironically, they were as not used to this as Ragatha was, even if for a different reason. While it wasn’t really their thing, they realized that they really didn’t mind it after all.
"Thanks." Ragatha whispered, while politely stepping back and swiftly wiping her non-button eye. She really didn’t want to let go yet, but the thought of making Zooble uncomfortable was even worse. "I... um, really needed that." She sat back, looking down bashfully, part of her really wanting to stir the conversation elsewhere. "That's actually why I’m making this, I guess." A nervous laugh escaped under her breath, as she took her sewing work back to her hands and lifted it a little, to show how much progress was made so far. "I think I’m going to really need it now more than ever."
“Hm, I’d say that makes sense.“ They eyed the half-finished project curiously. “So what is it gonna be? A seal? Dolphin maybe?”
“Oh, I think I was going for a whale. But I guess we’ll see.”
The brief silence that fell over them, felt way more comfortable on both sides this time. And having a moment of space to process everything that the two of them exchanged, allowed a little realization to come over the doll, now she found herself comfortable enough in Zooble’s presence to share.
"Hey, what you said earlier, about your parents not fully accepting the real you?" She smiled with empathy, even if her eye was still focused downwards. "I kinda get that too, in a way. Actually, I think this is something that I could talk about with you, specifically."
Zooble’s head tilted slightly at that, their attention shifting back to her fully. “Yeah?” They said gently, their tone inviting but unobtrusive. “Go ahead, if you want.”
She felt herself blush. Here we go, she thought. "Well, there always has been a part of me, that I guess is outside the norm. Part that I knew I had to hide, that my mom would never accept..." she carefully confessed, hoping that Zooble would pick up what she was putting down, without being straightforward. Having never actually admitted to it out loud, still made talking about it and using the exact words, difficult.
Zooble tilted their head, clearly trying to choose their words right, to approach it without pressuring, while checking if their suspicion was right.
“Oh ok, I think I get what you’re trying to say. But I don’t want to guess...”
“...Zooble am I being obvious?” Ragatha chimed in, unsure how to put it to words differently.
Zooble blinked, now more certain.
“Is it about Pomni?”
Ragatha looked stunned for a second, then quickly looked away “...so I am” she whispered, wrapping arms around herself nervously.
“It is clear that you care about her and that she means a lot for you.” They simply pointed out. “But in whatever shape you experience those feelings... well none of them are wrong honestly.”
The doll visibly tensed, but remained silent.
After a short pause they continued. “And I never assumed one or the other, because it isn’t really my place. But if this is something you wanted to talk with me about, then it really is no problem. There is nothing wrong with you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Well I...I’ve always been this way I just...” She stuttered while struggling to put her thoughts together. “I just never wanted anyone to know.” The grip she had around her middle tightened. “But after what you said, I thought that maybe I could finally tell you? But I guess I still can’t... I can’t even say that word out loud.”
“Hey it’s... it’s all right, really. You don’t need to force yourself to say it. You don’t need to put a label on it. It’s alright.” Zooble spoke steadily, hoping to calm her down. “I get what you’re saying. And I know how scary it must be, when you’ve been hiding yourself for your own safety. And don’t worry, it’s safe with me.”
They took a steady breath and looked at the doll with warmth.
“You’re really brave.”
Ragatha looked back, both surprised and moved. It wasn’t really a word she’d use to describe herself, ever. But the way Zooble said it, made it sound like an undeniable fact. One that she’d like to try to believe.
And although uncertain at first, slowly she was able to smile in return.
She knew she wouldn’t be able to say anything else about this as well, not right now. But as Zooble said, that was alright.
“...thank you.” She whispered.
But as nice as the comforting space between them might have become, it wasn’t made to last.
A portal opened not too far, and with that the rest of the circus members came through, having finished the day's adventure. And they all seemed surprisingly content, something that was a rather rare occurrence.
That fact alone, that they seemed happy, the one time that Ragatha didn't tag along, was enough to feed into her insecurities. That they didn't actually need her to hold everyone together. Heck, that they had a better time without her. Even if that was just her warped, anxious perspective.
And seeing that Jax was still hanging around Pomni, the two stepping out of the portal, talking to each other, was all that Ragatha needed to turn her gaze away, and make herself small.
"Oh look who decided to finally crawl out of bed." Came Jax's sarcastic remark as he noticed the two by the couches.
Zooble didn’t even bother turning their full attention towards the rabbit, and just heavily exhaled instead, deciding to just ignore him.
Pomni, who followed after, looked between them nervously. She didn’t say anything right away, but remained a few steps behind Jax, her gaze briefly flicking toward Ragatha.
Jax either didn’t pick up on the shift in the room, or just chose to ignore it, as he approached the two closer. “What? No snappy comeback?” Then turning to Ragatha with a big, mocking smile “No sunshine and rainbows from you today?”
All the while Ragatha didn’t respond, but she clearly tensed at his presence alone. Instead her focus remained extremely fixated on the sewing, even though her hands started slightly shaking.
Zooble antennas twitched, not caring to hide their annoyance. “Get lost.” They muttered under their breath. “Nobody was asking for your commentary.”
He just put his hands up defensively but also clearly annoyed “Yeah sure, whatever. Always so serious with you, geez...”
“No point wasting energy on a jerk like him.” They quietly commented. “He wouldn’t recognize empathy if it kicked him in the face.”
“It’s fine.” Ragatha said, voice barely above a whisper, her smile struggling to stay on. “I mean, he’s not wrong. I did stay in bed quite long...”
Once Jax was a far enough, Pomni gave Ragatha a little, hesitant wave.
Ragatha could feel her gaze and it made her heart thump quicker. She couldn’t bring herself to meet Pomni’s eyes, not after she’d spent the last day spiraling about her. And especially not when Jax was right there.
“Um... hey, I’m glad to see you up, I didn’t mean to wake you earlier. You... doing any better?”
She finally did give a quick peek towards the jester.
“It’s alright.” She replied softly. “And yeah, I’m fine. I was just a little tired that’s all. No need to worry about me." Seeing how kind she remained about all this almost made it worse, filling the doll with even more guilt.
Pomni just gave her a little smile and a nod in return, turning to walk away as well. And Ragatha chose to look elsewhere, knowing the possibility, that she might go after Jax.
She just turned to Zooble instead, trying to deflect and act as unbothered by this as possible. “Guess I’ll just finish my work and-“
It was when she realized that the sewing part of the plush, was basically done. It did resemble a whale, just as she wanted it to be. All that was left, was to fill it with something soft, and stitch together the last gap.
“O-oh um, I have some cotton in my room. Do you want to come help me finish this guy?” She asked while mustering a smile, hoping to hide the anxiety that was rising beneath the surface.
***
When stepping inside, she flinched just a bit at the sight of her desk again, and refused to look that way after. Sitting on the bed instead, she gathered the needed filling and looked at what she had created during their whole conversation. The plushie had the perfect size and shape to wrap your hands around and hold close. It would probably be the best she'd be able to get in here. But then... she did get a hug from Zooble today. So maybe things weren’t as grim as she feared.
And here they were, right beside her, helping her in more ways that they were probably aware of.
“You’re gonna do the honors?” They gestured at last little opening in the sewing, once the whale was full.
After running the thread through it for the last time, she finally hugged the finished thing tightly to her chest. The pleasant warmth filled her entire being, despite the fact that nothing could beat embracing a real person. But still, this project was born out of dread and desperation, but somehow ended up carrying a comforting memory, even if it was a bit of a bittersweet one.
“Thank you.” She muttered, her face half buried by the plush. ”Not just for the help, for... everything today.”
“Anytime.” They simply said. “And you know, it was nice talking to you. You should hang out with me and Gangle sometime.”
“Oh I... wouldn’t want to impose..!”
“You wouldn’t, really. And we both like having you around Ragatha. Despite whatever your mind might be telling you.”
Her cheeks reddened. She really didn’t have it in her right now to argue against that. And maybe a part of her wanted to believe that. “Ok... I think I’d like that too.”
Taking a breath, she felt that she couldn’t deny the emotional toll that settled over her, any longer.
"I think I’m gonna lie down." She admitted weakly, at the same time feeling like admitting defeat. That she really is going to result to wasting away in bed after all. Especially following everything that Zooble has done for her today, that might make it seem like their efforts were for nothing in the end.
“That’s fair, you should rest.”
“But... I don’t want to you to think that everything you said today was for nothing. It really meant a lot to me.” She gestured defensively.
“Healing doesn’t happen overnight, you know? You’re not a failure for needing time.”
Something about the blunt honesty of it landed right where it needed for her. Ragatha blinked a few times and gave a small, teary nod as she got to her bed and pulled the covers over herself, with the whale plushie close by.
“And there is nothing wrong with being kind to yourself, alright? I’m glad I was able to help in any way.”
She sank into the pillow, snuggling up to the plushie, while a somewhat content smile finally settled over her face “Alright I... will try to rest, at least a bit. Thank you, again.”
They exchanged a look, grateful on one side, caring on the other, and with that, Zooble turned to leave.
"And hey?” She stopped them in their tracks, just as they were at the door. “Can you please come get me, if I do stay in here for too long?"
Zooble turned a bit, their expression gentler than usual.
“Sure, I’ll be back for you. I promise.”