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Chapter Text

Artemis knew she was screwed.  She had killed a son of Zeus; yet another half-brother slain for insolence.  “Three Strikes”, her father warned after the first; but it wasn’t her fault.  After thousands of years you’d think people would read the stories and learn their lesson.  If only.

I need not tell You his name (nor has he ever appeared in Riordan’s Canon) for it is not important to this story; all You need to know is he is a legendary Sleazeball.  Consequently his father only held him in higher regard (“A son after his own father”, Zeus said admiringly to a chagrined Hera), but Artemis killed the demigod nonetheless.  Not even killed, regardless the Olympian Prosecutor's insistence.  In her finite mercy, rather than the painful death he deserved, she turned him into a newt.  And he got better!  But her defense met deaf ears.  “You’re a witch!” or “He could’ve been stepped on and squished!” and blah, blah, blah.  So now she was here.  Should’ve actually killed the bastard.

“I really don’t understand what I did wrong.”

Zeus fumed. If she had actually killed the demigod, she certainly wouldn’t be smelling more ozone.  Should’ve done it.

“What you did wrong?  What you did wrong?!  Myself Almighty, a newt?  He could’ve died!  That’s practically murder!”  The Olympian Prosecutor, a daughter of Athena since made immortal, nodded her head solemnly at Zeus’s words.

“Like Hades it was!” Artemis shouted.  “He got better!”

“No thanks to you.”  Dionysus slurred his words lazily, swirling his glass of wine.  “I had to, like, raise two fingers in effort to turn him back.  That takes a lot out of me.  I don’t even like those runty little campers.”

“You really think I didn’t make the spell reversible on purpose?”

“I mean, c’mon, at least bump it down to involuntary attempted manslaughter” Apollo said with a sympathetic look at his sister.

“No!” Zeus boomed.  Artemis remembered how they fixed the hole in the ozone layer by pissing off her father.  Good times, good times.  If only, like then, the entire council shared the ire Zeus now aimed squarely at her.

Aphrodite raised her hand.  Never a good sign.

“What if we made her marry a man!”  She looked delightfully insufferable at her revelation.  “Y’know, since being single has been her whole thing that’s gotten her in trouble in the first place.”  Before Artemis even had time to object-

“A splendid idea!” Zeus boomed.  “But who should we choose as her husband?”

“As the goddess of marriage”, Hera huffed pointedly at Zeus, “I concur; but at least allow Artemis to choose her husband.  Forced marriages are always a disaster.”  Aphrodite nodded thoughtfully in agreement.

“This is a forced marriage!  I don’t want to marry anybody!”

“Silly Artemis.  Semantics are for mortals”, Aphrodite breezed.  “But if you can’t choose your husband I’m sure I could pick out a nice hunk for you.”

“No!  Give me a minute to think.”  Artemis wracked her brain.

“You’ve got one minute” Zeus said, tapping his watch.  Shitshitshitshit

“Perseus!” she blurted.  Zoe’s approval was worth its weight in gold and frankly she couldn’t think of anyone else.

“Woah, woah, woah.  Hold up” Poseidon said.  “Why should Artemis’s punishment involve my son?”

“Excellent idea!” Zeus simultaneously boomed.  “Though that insolent minor god is nowhere near good enough for my daughter, this is a punishment afterall.  Plus he’d look funny with a couple arrows sticking out of his ass.”  Apollo and Hermes winced (both from experience and sympathy for their drinking buddy).

“How romantic!” Aphrodite gasped.  “The man who held the sky for her!  I couldn’t have chosen better myself.”

“I know.” Artemis remarked dryly.  She wished to stick some arrows in Aphrodite’s ass at the moment.

“Am I talking to myself over here?” Poseidon blustered.  “My son?”

“Oh, can it tuna breath” Hera huffed.  “He could use a reminder of the sanctity of marriage.”

“Remind your husband then.  Perseus never cheated.  Like a whore.”  Poseidon smirked and Hera made a face but nodded gravely.

“I will not be disrespected in my own courtroom!”  As he spoke, Zeus summoned a massive mahogany gavel and started banging it.  He’d been watching reruns of Court TV and Judge Judy lately.  “My decision is final!  Artemis and Perseus shall be wed at the Summer Solstice.”

“Why then?” Athena asked.  She felt a pang of sympathy for Artemis, but she had shot too many of her sons for her to feel much pity.

“Everyone’s already going to be ready to party at Olympus for the Solstice.  Plus, I don’t want to waste money on another celebration this year.  It’s not in the budget.”

Artemis groaned.  “This is ridiculous!” She said, almost shouting to be heard over Zeus’s gavel.

“I told you a separate celebration is not in the budget!”

“That’s not what I’m talking about!  I don’t want to get married!”

“That’s kinda the point”, Zeus mused.  His brow furrowed.  “Stop killing my sons!”

“I didn’t kill him!”

“You turned him into a newt!  I’m not discussing this further.  The gavel has spoken!  Justice has been dealt.”  He banged it again for good measure.

Fuck.

Three Years Earlier

Everything seemed great for Percy.  Two wars won, married the girl, so naturally ‘Happily-Ever-After’ should be next, right?  Wrong.

The marriage was great for the first two years or so.  Then Annabeth started getting antsy.

“Is it wrong to want to spend time with my wife?”

“It’s not that!  I just… I have so much I want to get done”, she confessed.  “So many buildings to design.  It’s nothing against you.”

Didn’t change the fact that it stung, though.

One thing that did help - after hearing about his divorce (and knowing Annabeth was the only reason Percy declined godhood), Poseidon kept pestering the Olympians about Percy’s godhood until, simply to shut him up, they accepted.

“I have one condition”, Percy said after thinking over the reextended offer.  Zeus pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Of course you do.  Medammit, what do you want?” he groused.

“I want to oversee Camp Halfblood.  I owe everything to that place and I’d like to, what do they say?  Pay it forward, y’know?”  Dionysus lit up, suddenly paying attention, and snapped his fingers.  Suddenly everyone in the room was holding their alcoholic drink of choice*.  He raised his glass of wine.

“To Peter Johnson!  And the first good idea he’s ever had!”  Dionysus downed his glass and snapped his fingers again, magically refilling it.

“Your request is…” Zeus glanced at his drunken son, “Acceptable.  Very well!  Congratulations Perseus, Minor God of Tides and Demigods.  May you serve Olympus well.”

Present Day

The campers had just gone to bed and Percy was enjoying a beer with Chiron.  He loved working at Camp Halfblood; helping out campers in the same shoes he wore when he first arrived gave him purpose.  Something to make a difference and improve the lives of his friends.  Something to distract himself from wallowing over a failed marriage.  Plus, he got to hang out with Chiron.  Not just a good friend; Percy was glad to have the centaur’s advice and experience helping him lead the camp.  Chiron, on the other hand, was happy to have a boss who gave a shit about the camp.  About time.

The campers loved Percy.  Word of his accomplishments had spread far and wide; the demigods thought highly of him for his exploits, yet he was never too busy to help them with even the smallest of their problems.  His green eyes twinkled as he spent plenty of time repeating “Just call me Percy.  None of that ‘Lord Perseus’ shit.  Now what’s up?”

Chiron and Percy had finished their beers when the centaur excused himself to bed (“A millenia ago I could’ve drank you under the table, boy”).  Percy snapped his fingers and his draught glass refilled itself.  The amber liquid was micrometers away from his lips when the room was illuminated by a tremendous flash.  Only a little startled, Percy straightened up and prepared for divine company.

“Lady Artemis!  A surprise for sure, but an honor as always.  What can I do you for?”  He gave a little bow from his seat.  He was still at his desk; intent on getting a few more things done before he retired to his bedroom.

“I’d like to apologize, first of all.”  She seemed uncharacteristically nervous.  This made Percy nervous himself.

“What for?  I mean, you did beat us pretty bad last capture the flag but it was fair and square- oh, I forget my manners.  Would you like a drink Milady?”

“Yes please, thank you Perseus.  Whatever you’re having will be fine.”  Percy snapped his fingers and before he could register what happened, Artemis had finished her beer.  He snapped his fingers again.

“That bad, huh?”  Artemis nodded gravely.  “Is it about that newt kid?  Cause he, like, totally had it coming.  I didn’t even turn him back!  ‘Serves him right,’ I thought.  They had to get Dionysus and it was a whole thing…”

“Actually it is about the ‘newt kid’.”  Artemis smiled in spite of herself, in spite of everything.  For just a moment, before the reality of the situation found her face again.  “But it’s more than just the demigod now.  Zeus was incensed and decided, in his infinite wisdom, to punish me.”

“Godsdamn.  I knew he liked the kid but that seems a little much.  I mean, he did get better.”  Percy was fond of Artemis; it’s not like they were friends or anything but he liked working with her whenever she brought the Hunt to camp.  For an Olympian?  Not bad at all.  “What was the punishment?  And if I may ask, no offense but why are you telling me about it?  I mean, it’s nice to have you here and all and that definitely sucks but your huntresses would probably be better-”

“He said I had to get married.”  Oh, shit.  “Somehow Zeus was talked into allowing me the small dignity of choosing my husband.  And I chose you, Perseus.”

“I, uhm, wow.  I mean, I’m honored, I really am.  But why me?  There’s plenty more important gods out there.  Lots of non-divorcees.”

“I know it’s not a fair thing to do to you.  I hope you don’t mind too much”, Artemis said, fidgeting with the hem of her dress.  “I know it was wrong of me to have to choose anybody but, well.  You were the only option given the circumstances.”  Percy shrugged.

“I don’t know about all that.  But as far as unfair goes, I’ve taken worse.  This beats getting roped into a world-ending prophecy.  Those suck.”  Percy was still kind of dumbfounded at the news.  He thought for a moment, snapped his finger, and a keg appeared.  “I don’t know about you, and no offense Milady, but forced marriage calls for a drink.  A lot of drinks.  We can process this situation tomorrow but right now I’m getting shitfaced.”  Artemis was already refilling her glass.

*