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Everything feels fuzzy, your mind lagging three steps behind your body, barely catching up. You don’t know where you are, and for a second you can’t even remember your name, a dull headache pushing it’s sharp fingers into your mind until you can feel the pain at the base of your skull. It takes a moment for things to start clearing up.
You should have been getting ready to sleep, at least that’s the last thing you remember. There should also be someone with you, but their name, face or relation to you doesn’t spark at the front of your mind for several minutes. Right now, it feels like you’re laying on solid ground, nothing like the soft futon in your room that you’re used to, your back aching in protest.
As you gain more awareness of what you think is going on, you realise your body hurts all over. Your shoulders harbour a sore prick that you would only get from a long day of housework, the ground under your neck doing nothing to help the stiffness settled deep in it. The worst one is in your right leg, every other bout of pain feels like it came from a moment of inactivity, your leg feels like it’s shattered in three places. You would have tested your ability to use it if you could even lift the appendage, a heavy weight seated on it, only making the pain worse, as well as every other part of your body from your chest downwards.
It’s upsetting how uncomfortable you are right now.
Aside from the weight drowning out the feeling in your limbs, you can hear something moving around you, or someone. The wind is doing a great job of trying to disorient you too, it’s aggressive whipping making the trees rustle louder than usual, but you can still hear it.
The now unnerving sound of dirt being shovelled, before it’s flung somewhere else, the timing of each throw lining up with the heavy feeling on your chest getting worse. A few grunts punctuate each shovel, the pitch of each noise reminding you of your husband. Right.. Sanemi should be here with you too, both of you were winding down for bed before this.
That’s when it finally comes back to you. Brief flashes that linger behind your eyelids, giving you an even bigger headache. It’s not hard to make sense of what you’re looking at; You and Sanemi yelling at each other, probably over something small you brought up, getting more and more heated until his arm snaps outwards in your direction. The memory cuts off there. The fighting wasn’t unusual to you, life had been getting unbearable in that house.. But what had happened afterwards?
Your eyelids creak open against your will, letting in more light than you can handle at a time. It takes a few more blinks before your eyes are finally open, a perfect view of the moon being the first thing to grace your vision. It hangs high in the sky, the ring of pale blue light it emits spreading over the thick clouds surrounding it.
You haven’t seen a full moon in a while, you almost want to reach out and touch it, or you would’ve if your hands weren’t trapped on your chest. The moonlight shines down on what’s above you too, finally bringing your attention to the oval shaped hole a few feet above you, blades of grass swaying over the intrusion. You don’t know how you didn’t notice it before.
It’s difficult trying to move your head around to get a good look at what’s going on, but even without that it’s easy to spot the two solid earth walls trapping you in. Everything starts clicking in your head all at once; The dirt covering your body, the hole you’re currently sitting on, the only person on the outside heaping more dirt on you. The realisation makes your chest tight, your breath coming in shallow rasps as your vision starts to swim.
You’re being buried alive.
“Hello? Hello?! Is anyone there? Please I need help..”
The walls of what’s apparently your own grave feel like they’re closing in on you, squeezing your body tighter until you think your bones are going to crack. You know someone’s there, you can see their hands every time their shovel dumps more dirt on your body. Why they would be doing this to you, you’re not sure, but if they can hear you screaming for help then they have to do something.
“Please, I know you can hear me! I’m alive!”
For a split second you begin to worry if you should even be doing this; If the only person around is the one trying to bury you, what if they actually want you dead? What if they tried to kill you, failed, and then you alerting them would just convince the person to finish the job? Fear quickly replaces the panic coursing through your veins, locking your limbs tighter than you thought possible. Your thoughts start to scramble, cycling through all the different ways this situation could get even worse until your head starts to ache again.
By some miracle, the dirt stops coming, lightening the knot in your chest by just a little. You sit in the hole with bated breath, awaiting the fate your executioner would decide. Bit by bit, you watch as the person’s head sticks out over the hole, your eyes widening with every familiar feature that registers in your mind. Wide, light amethyst eyes stare down at you, short white locs frame a delicately miserable expression, one that contrasts it’s owner’s face full of scars. It’s your husband. With a shovel in his hand and a conflicted expression you’ve never seen on him before.
Relief floods through every inch of your body before it fades to rage; What the hell was he thinking digging you into a hole while you slept? Your husband was strange sometimes, but not odd enough for this kind of behaviour. For now, you let the solace ease it’s way into your features, spreading your mouth into what you hope is a calm smile.
“Thank god ‘Nemi its you… You scared me! Please just get me out of here, I feel like I can’t breathe”
The smile on your face melts off with every second Sanemi just stares at you, as if he’s seen a demon. Your tongue instinctively shoots around your mouth, no sharp teeth, you can’t move your hands that much but you’re certain your nails are still at a reasonable length. Then why does he look so scared? If anything, you should be the one looking at him like that. Your frantic thoughts fade away when you finally hear him speak, a scarred hand hanging over his mouth as he mutters to himself, refusing to look you in the eye.
“Fuck.. I’m already losing my mind.”
That’s all he says to you before he’s shovelling faster than ever, each handful of dirt deepening your anxiety even more. He’s clearly nervous as well, something about this situation scaring your husband so much he’s no longer acting like himself. You should be patient with him, gentle so you can get enough answers to get the both of you out of here and safe back home. But repeating that over and over in your head does nothing to quiet the anger simmering beneath your skin.
“Yeah, you must be out of your damn mind if you’re actually being serious! What the hell are you doing this for?! If you don’t get me out of this hole, Sanemi Shinazugawa I swear to-”
“What does it look like I’m doing?” He’s stopped again, planting the shovel’s head in the grass beside him, somehow managing to look hurt and annoyed at the same time. “ ‘M trying to give you a proper burial”
A heavy silence envelops both of you after that, the wind flowing freely around him, rustling his hair before it graces the earth surrounding you. Your anger gives way to a deep sense of confusion. It’s obvious by the look on your husband’s face, he’s being serious, he genuinely thinks you’re dead. Obviously you’re not. Even with how disoriented you still feel, you know you’re not.
You can smell the dirt around you, can feel it clinging to every inch of your skin, grains mixing into your hair, sneaking under your light kimono; The dull ache spreading across your heart, seeing how much of this is affecting him. You can feel it all, no problem, just like any living person. You just have to convince him of that, that he’s not talking to your dead body, or a ghost. The sound of dirt being dug up and flung reverberates in your ears once more, while you try to take as many breaths as you can without ingesting any of it.
“Well.. would I be talking to you like this if I was dead?”
You watch his back straighten, turning his head until he’s staring at you again. It looks like he’s thinking it over, for about ten seconds before he goes back to his task.
“No, but maybe that’s my mind trying to trick me…”
Your stomach drops a little further into your body when you hear that, the pile of filth stacking higher until it’s now reaching your neck. For a long time now, you’ve always loved how head strong your husband was. You loved it the first few months he started courting you, always stopping by your home even against your father’s insistence. You loved that about him when you started fighting more often, when he would refuse to leave you alone no matter how pissed you got. But now, it only seemed to be working against you.
How do you convince someone so stubborn that you’re not actually dead? Clearly it’s going to take a lot more talking to get him to stop. You have to think of something. It’s only been a few minutes, but with the increasing pressure on your chest, you might as well have been sitting there for hours now. A few more moments of silence pass before you finally open your mouth, praying in your head to whoever would hear you that this would work.
“… Ask me something.”
You must still have an effect on him, ghost or not, your words making him pause again as he stares down at you, head tilted towards the grave as if waiting for you to speak again. This was your chance.
“If you really think I’m some spirit trying to haunt you, then ask me something only we would know. If I don’t answer properly then..”
The remaining words lodge themselves in your throat, you didn’t want to say it out loud, make it look like you were conceding to the ludicrous idea, but you said enough to make him consider it. A small part of you knows the idea is bullshit, you don’t even know how you came up with it, but it worked in your favour anyway. The two of you have been married for two years now, going on three, you’ve been through everything a married couple possibly could, and more. At this point, there was nothing about Sanemi he could ask that you wouldn’t be able to answer.
You snap out of your thoughts when you hear him sigh, a hand dragging across his tired face before it smooths over his hair. Even under the dirt, your fingers twitch, the temptation to reach up and run your hand through them slowly picking at your psyche.
“The last argument we had.. what did we fight about?”
…
Blank.
Your mind is completely blank.
This moment seems to be training your poker face, the panic swirling around in your veins, making your body twitch hasn’t shown on your face yet, at least Sanemi hasn’t noticed yet. He’s still looking at you, expectantly, like he actually wants you to answer right so he can scoop you out of this cramped hell and take you home. But you can’t even begin to think of an answer. Every other fight you’ve ever had cycles through your head; The ones you had every time he came home late from each mission, the ones he started because you were nagging him too much, the ones you started because of small, insignificant things you wish you could take back now.
But the fight you just had earlier that night?
Nothing.
The quiet hovering over both of you feels more and more suffocating the longer you sit there, your heart constricting painfully as you’re forced to watch the hopeful light leave your husband’s eyes. You wish you could give him an answer, say some magic phrase that would quell his doubts, make him listen, but you remain silent. A small part of your heart breaks when you hear him scoff, before turning his attention back to digging your grave.
“Knew it..”
It takes less than a few seconds for you to get upset again, your temper had become just as bad as your husband’s only a year after you two got married. You wait for him to face you when he turns to dump more dirt on your form, glaring at him with all the exhaustion left in your soul
“What kind of stupid question was that?!”
“It was a reasonable one.” He stops to glare back at you too, pointing an accusatory finger at your grave. “One you couldn’t answer”
“Okay, ask me another one”
“No.”
He doesn’t look at you long enough to see the deep frown sweeping across your features. You were right, it wasn’t fair. Clearly something bad happened to you to cause the lapse in your memory, and Sanemi must know what exactly, but he’s refusing to give you an out.
“We fight every week! How am I supposed to remember what all of them were about?”
You’re rambling now, your sentences getting louder and more confusing the longer you go on, the higher the pile of dirt resting over your chest gets. If he wouldn’t listen to you then you could at least get the pleasure of talking his ear off one last time. The thought finally makes you stop. You were already changing the way you thought, as if you believed your husband would actually bury you alive, like this was the end. Something about that sounds poetic, but thinking about it just leaves this hopeless feeling settled in your chest.
“..Will you even miss me?”
The tone in your voice makes you cringe, your words coming out as a tired drawl that betrays how upset you are. Your throat feels like it’s closing up, pressure coming from both the inside and out. Sanemi doesn’t look up from where he’s working, but you can still see the way his eyes crinkle into a forlorn look that goes straight to your heart.
“Course I will, I already do.. more than you know”
“I’m not dead yet, you idiot”
Sanemi doesn’t respond this time, humming absentmindedly at your remark before he’s back to digging. You’re getting more and more tired the longer this goes on, the moon only rising higher in the sky as the night passes you by. Each handful of dirt somehow makes you sleepier, your eyelids closing against your body’s will. Maybe that’s you finally accepting your fate. But even as your eyes flutter shut, a small part of you is still thinking of what you can say to your husband, anything else you can use to stall for time. The action makes you frown, drawing your eyebrows together in concentration as you’re left with the sounds around you.
It almost helps you concentrate better; The rhythmic pace your husband has reached with his digging, the tired sighs he lets out from time to time. You reckon he’s been shovelling for a while now, though it would be easier to comfort him if you weren’t trapped under the ground.
A few more seconds pass before the sounds fade out, your eyes finally snapping open when they stop completely. Sanemi’s staring down at you now, watching you as if he’s trying to figure you out, or like he’s scared you’ll jump out of the grave and jump him. The words are on the tip of your tongue when he beats you to it.
“What’cha thinking about?”
The question actually makes you pause. You’re surprised he spoke to your first, considering the fact he clearly thought you were some vengeful spirit, you assumed he would only respond if you spoke to him first. Maybe you were finally getting to him.
“I’m thinking of a way to get through that thick skull of yours, that’s what I’m doing”
Against all odds, your husband still seems to appreciate your sense of humour. The moon’s pale haze highlighting the small smirk that spreads across his features, growing wider until he finally barks out a laugh, the sound so familiar it makes you want to laugh along with him.
“Yeah? Looks like you’re trying to take a shit”
You take it back. The slight smile on your face immediately fades into a frown as you glare up at his form casting a shadow over your grave, he’s still laughing at you. In that moment, you really wish you could move your arms, a swift handful of dirt to his face would’ve wiped the smirk off it real quick. And maybe he would’ve gotten angry enough to drag you out of that hole and yell at you if he wanted, you wouldn’t even mind, anything would be better than this.
The moment seems to last longer that you thought it would, both of you staring deeper into each other’s eyes with every second that rushes by. Over the years, Sanemi had gotten better at predicting what you wanted just by looking at you, he used to make fun of you for it, said you were “too easy to read”. Something in you hopes the look on your face is still as obvious, maybe he can actually read your mind with how hard he’s staring.
“Can I at least know why you think I’m dead? I deserve that much..”
Another last ditch effort, but you’ve reached a point where you’ll give what you can manage. If you ask enough sad questions, maybe he’ll feel bad once he’s done burying you. Or if you’re lucky enough, you might come back as an actual spirit and haunt him till he dies. Just like the last fifty questions you’ve asked him, this one makes him pause. He wasn’t digging anyway, but he still stops moving just to think. You watch as he squats down right in front of the hole, that miserable look back on his face, you want to tell him it looks like he’s swallowed a whole lemon just to get back at him, but you eventually decide against it.
Even with everything you’ve seen tonight, your husband’s still as beautiful as ever. It’s almost refreshing to see anything but anger flooding his features, though it would’ve been better in any other situation. Thinking back on it now, that’s something you’ve fought with him over. How difficult he is all the time, even when it’s only the two of you; You’ve spent so much time over the years, trying to convince him he can talk to you, be vulnerable with you if he needs to. The thought almost makes you laugh, he’s only showing this side of him because he thinks you’re already gone.
“We got into another fight..”
“As per usual.”
He huffs out a laugh, placing his chin in the palm of his hand. “Yeah, this one was really bad though. I don’t even know how it started..”
You probably had an idea, everyday felt like you kept getting shorter with Sanemi; Snapping at him over the stupidest things, coming up with random issues so you could yell at him. Your limbs stiffen as shame takes over you. Back then, you thought you knew what you were doing, if you antagonised him enough then maybe both of you would get into a fight so bad he would finally open up to you afterwards. The idea was dumb, but you stuck to your guns with it.
According to Sanemi, things kept getting worse, every time it looked like the argument was simmering down, one of you would bring up something else, adding fuel to the fire. It was so bad, both of you completely forgot about sleep, shouting all over the second floor of your house. You remember that much, the visions you saw earlier now replaying in your head.
“You kept getting louder and louder, I just wanted you to shut up..”
This is where your memory of that fight cut off, but it’s still sharp in your mind. The speed at which his hand shot out at you, it’s impact to your shoulder.. It almost feels like it’s still throbbing, as if the appendage itself remembers what happened. It’s obvious what happened, but Sanemi still fills in the blanks for you; His hand pushing against your body, the force behind it too much for you to handle… of course you fell down. You almost want to laugh at how coincidental it was. Somehow, your argument had taken both of you to the front of your stairs, so when Sanemi pushed you, your body had gone tumbling down the whole length.
“I didn’t think I pushed you that hard but.. the way you fell back, the.. sound your body made. I swear I heard your neck snap.. you didn’t move for like ten minutes”
Under all the dirt, your leg still throbs in protest, the pressure building over it making the fiery pain burn hotter. That must be it, your leg must’ve taken the brunt of the fall, but if Sanemi didn’t look properly.. then it’s no wonder he thought you had died. The story ends in another sigh from your husband, before he links back to where you are now.
“This is the last thing I can do for you.”
He’s picking the shovel back up now, doing everything he can to avoid confronting the heartbreak swirling around in your pupils.
“I’m.. sorry.”
The pile of rubble is touching your chin now, every bit added to it making it inch closer and close until you can almost taste it. It’s getting harder to breathe, the thought of how painful this is going to be crowding your thoughts. You almost wish you had died on those stairs, at least you wouldn’t have to deal with this; This slow, agonising descent into the afterlife, as the earth steals every ounce of oxygen you have, until your body is actually a lifeless corpse.
“Are you actually giving up like that..? You said it yourself.. you might be losing your mind. What if you’re wrong? If I’m still alive?”
“I’d rather you were dead. It’s easier for me to grieve than confront what I’ve done to you..”
That carves a gash into your heart. You wanted him to get angry and help you, not admit to wanting you dead. Aside from that, the provocation doesn’t do much, his steady shovelling barely losing any momentum at all. He doesn’t turn to face you either, the hold you previously had over him fading before your very eyes with every bit he throws over you.
“..Plus, I can’t imagine you’d want to stay with me after all this… if you’re alive, I don’t think I’d be able to handle that”
“But that’s my decision to make, isn’t it?” It’s a struggle to keep your voice calm now, you can finally move enough to tilt your head back, away from the rubble, but it only buys you a few seconds. “I’ve stayed with you all these years, what would change my mind now?”
“First off..” He’s finally facing you now. “Being a dick to you all the time isn’t the same as burying my own partner’s body.”
You have to admit he has a point but you don’t need him using reason when you’re trying to get him not to kill you.
“Second of all.. maybe you’re just dumb for sticking it out this long.”
Under different circumstances, you would’ve had the space to actually be offended. If you were in a really bad mood, maybe you could’ve started another fight over this. But you’re still quite unlucky, the dirt now caressing your lower lip. The only solace you have is a few more seconds added onto your lifeline, the speed at which the dirt is piling up steadily decreasing. He’s hesitant now. This could be it.
“The reason we fought..” You wait until you can see his face again, anticipation hiding behind the pain in his eyes. “I thought you didn’t care about me.. that’s why I started it.”
Sanemi let’s the quiet wash over your declaration, surprise evident on his face while he just nods, turning back to his shovel without a word. Now he’s really starting to irritate you.
“Then I was right. You don’t care”
That finally does something. Your body jumps a little with how fast Sanemi turns back around, but still, you did something, because that stupid, miserable look of his is gone now. Replaced with the one you’re used to seeing on him. He’s pissed.
“You know like hell that’s not-”
“No! I don’t!” You’re getting as loud as you can muster now, wheezing out each syllable before the dirt takes that from you too. “All I know is that my husband is trying to bury me alive, because he’s too much of a coward to face me head on.”
“You said as much, it’s easier to do this rather that face your own issues.”
It’s almost hilarious, the irony of it settling underneath the anger in your bones. Even in the face of death, in your literal grave, you’ve still made time to argue with this man. With this stupid man that you agreed to marry. Maybe you were built for this, created so the two of you could meet and drag each other’s souls down until the day you both die. You’d thought of it a few times over the past few years, what if you were with someone else? Would your life still turn out like this? You never dwelled on it for too long, and even now you don’t want to. A big part of you is exactly where you want to be.
“Of course I care about you! I care about you more than you can understand.. which is why you’re so irritating! You never try to understand”
“Then prove it to me!” Both of you are breathing hard, the tension hacking away at the air enough to almost choke you.
“Prove it to me by helping me understand, by thinking for a second, that maybe I’m just trying to navigate my marriage with an emotionally constipated man child who refuses to shut up! Prove it by getting me the fuck out of this grave, so we can talk about it… properly this time.”
The fight drains out of you just as quickly as it arrived, every bone in your body aches too much for you to be shouting like this, but you refuse to stop. Backing down is not part of who you are, you would fight and dig your way out of this grave the same way you were willing to do for your marriage. And Sanemi can see that, he can see it with the leftover fire burning in your eyes, the way he always has. You watch your husband sigh for the hundredth time that night, if his hair wasn’t completely white then you’re certain you would’ve been spotting bits of grey hairs by now.
“You’re so annoying, you know that right?”
It’s your turn to laugh, a mirthful smile spreading across your features.
“Yeah? I could say the same to you.. plus you’re the one who asked to marry me. You’ll deal with it.”
Silence follows your conversation once more, a lot longer than the previous ones, but this one feels calmer, like you can actually breathe for the first time today. Minutes pass before one of you finally makes a move, your husband reaching down until he’s squatting above you again. In one swift motion, he reaches deep into the dirt, fishing around until he takes hold of your arm, before dragging you up and out of the hole, much to your shoulder’s dismay. Your leg is still in shambles, but the feeling eases the moment Sanemi snakes an arm around your waist, steadying you.
You let him get a feel for you, his rough hand gliding across your face in a motion that immediately makes you melt into him. He still looks lost, like he’s still trying to wrap his head around the fact that this just happened. You’re a lot more upset than confused, but for now you just feel like laughing. You could get angry at him later.
“So.. do I look like a ghost now?”
Soft light filters in from the window in the kitchen beside you, warming your hands as they fuss over the food in front of you. The sun’s just starting to set, radiating it’s hues of orange, yellow and pink across the floor of your home. This weather perfectly suits your mood, just enough sunlight to not leave you stumbling around in the dark, with enough wind to keep you cool despite the sunlight. A tired sigh crawls out from between your lips before you can stop it, the weight of today’s chores finally settling on your shoulders, and there’s still a lot for you to do tomorrow.
You’re too busy complaining to yourself to notice anything else, until a firm pair of arms wrap around your waist, caging your back to the chest of it’s owner. Sanemi places his head in the crook of your neck, pressing light pecks into your skin. You humour him for a few minutes, before chasing him away, the sweat from his body sneaking onto your own clothes as well.
The events of that night feel so far away to you now, the month after you emerged from that grave passing by relatively quickly. Both of you spend a lot more time together; When you have the time, you sit by the courtyard and watch him train. Sometimes, he sits in the kitchen with you just to polish his sword while you work. You do a lot of talking too, about your day’s, your feelings, your issues, anything to chase away the resentment you knew would fester if you both fell into old habits.
Things aren’t always perfect though. You still have your moments, insignificant things that turn into huge arguments the second you open your mouth. But you’re more aware now, careful with your words. Every argument ends because you want to find a solution, not because you’ve run out of insults. Sanemi’s adopted a bit of your new attitude too. He’s become quieter, at least around you, you can’t speak for how he acts outside the house, but who really cares?
It’s also extremely obvious how aware your husband is of his strength now, his hands remain by his side no matter how loud both of you get. He always ends up looking like a mannequin, the sight so ridiculous it makes you laugh so hard, the fight drains out of you immediately. Some days are better than others; Sometimes he wants to talk until the sun sets, other times he’s ready to lock up his feelings and hide away in your room. You’re always trailing behind him now, just so he knows you’re still there. You’ll bury your problems together, and unearth them again when you’re ready.