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"How do you do that?" Todd asked Neil who had been reciting his lines at his audience of one, walking up and down their little dorm room, deep in his role like he was actually Puck. Neil stopped and looked at him, face aglow, eyes lit and filled with something Todd felt he shouldn't see. Todd lowered his eyes to avoid the gaze. He looked at the play in his hands, at his fingers worrying at the ragged corners. He could feel Neil looking at him, felt the heat on his skin, his presence too intense, too warm, too close.
"What do you mean?" Neil asked, his bed creaking as he sat down, and Todd forced himself to look at Neil, to appear like nothing was wrong. As long as he didn't look Neil too long in the eyes because then he would see.
"All these lines. How do you remember them without looking?"
Neil looked at him silently, then shrugged.
"I make myself think I am Puck," he said. "When I'm him I know what to do. What to say. It's easier when I think I'm someone else."
That stung. Todd knew all too well what he meant.
"So," Neil asked, his smile widening to a grin. "What do you think? Will I be good?"
Todd flashed a brief smile, then nodded once.
"You're going to be great."
He already was. He must have known he was.
*
Gosh, there were so many people in the audience, Neil thought as he peeked around the corner. So many eyes who would be looking at them. At him. There was a low but constant buzz in the room, dozens of people speaking in hushed tones, the murmur only cut with clanks and creaks as they searched for their seats and settled down. People were peering at the stage and Neil felt like they could see him.
In the middle of the crowd, Neil spotted Mr. Keating. He saw Todd was sitting right beside him, saying something and nodding while looking at the stage. He looked so cute just sitting there, clearly eager to see the play, almost the same as he did while listening to Neil rehearse his lines. The moments when he thought Neil couldn't see, except he did. He had for a while now.
He wanted to wave at Todd but someone grabbed him by the shoulder. He was needed backstage. They should hurry up, it was almost time.
His heart raced. He really hoped he could make Todd proud. Make Mr. Keating proud. His friends. His parents, who he wished would be sitting in the crowd but weren't.
He tried not to think about it. This was his night. His moment. Puck's moment.
*
Neil felt the audience, felt the energy radiate from them and go through him, and he couldn't think of anything he would love to do more than keep doing this for the rest of his life.
When his eyes swept over the crowd, he saw Todd, flush of excitement on his face, almost tangible despite the distance, and he couldn't think of many things that would make him happier than all of this. He knew he was meant to be on stage, and now he was. He'd accomplished one of his dreams. There was another one too, and he couldn't wait to talk to Todd, to ask him what he'd been too afraid to ask before. It was time.
Then he saw his father standing in the back, angry eyes nailed to the stage, and his heart went cold, the colours around him dimmed, and everything turned dark. It took Neil all he got to find his Puck again, and when he did, he held onto him, refusing to let go.
*
"Neil!"
Neil recognized Mr. Keating's voice and turned around. He saw his teacher walking towards him with a warm smile, making his way through the crowd, and he could see all his friends walk behind him like ducks in a row. They all looked so happy and joyful - proud, he thought and had to swallow - but he couldn't help looking around, to see his father's face in the crowd, his disappointment. He must have been here somewhere.
"You were fantastic," Mr. Keating said, and he actually hugged Neil, and Neil let him, appreciating the distraction. "I knew you would be but sometimes it's good to be proven right."
He could feel his face getting flushed at the praise. He felt a pat on his back, then another on his shoulder, and voices both familiar and unfamiliar kept repeating how good he was, how good they had all been. So many voices, except for the one he feared and the one he wanted to hear. The one he needed to hear.
Finally he saw Todd emerging from behind some tall guy, and Neil wished he would follow Mr. Keating's example and hug him, but of course he didn't.
"You were so good," Todd said smiling widely, face alight, and he looked down immediately after he said it, like he'd caught himself saying something he shouldn't have said. Neil wanted to pull his face up. To tell him.
"Thanks," he replied, and then he heard the other voice; the one he'd been afraid to hear.
"Neil," it said, short and stone cold, and Neil turned his face to his left.
"Father." He felt a lurch of nausea in the pit of his stomach. "Excuse me," he said to the others, seeing the worry in Todd's eyes, and he let his father pull them away from the cheering crowd. He fell in step with him, shoulders low, walking towards his inevitable doom.
*
Todd stepped into his dorm room and startled when he saw Neil sitting on the edge of his bed. Not his own bed. Todd's.
"Is everything okay?" Todd asked, examining Neil's face. He looked paler than usual, but it didn't surprise Todd. He knew very well how Neil felt about his father, and it hadn't looked like he'd been there to congratulate Neil on the great play or praise his excellent acting skills. The man didn't know or appreciate art any more than Todd's parents did.
"I don't know," Neil said, then laughed, but there was no warmth or joy in the laugh. "You should have heard the lecture I got," Neil said, and Todd closed the door behind him, standing by the doorway, unsure of what he should be doing next.
"I thought he would whip me," Neil said. "Or kill me."
"Did he?" Todd asked, and that earned him a look from Neil. He could see Neil's face soften, and there was a small smile playing on the side of his mouth.
"No. I told him I can't quit, no matter what he says or does to me. I think he finally heard me."
Todd nodded. That was good, right? It sounded good. He bit his lower lip, eyes shifting between the beds.
Finally Neil made the decision for him, tapping at the spot next to him. "Come. Sit."
Todd walked to the bed and sat down, leaving plenty of space between them. Then he became aware of how odd that must have seemed. They'd been sitting closer many times, legs touching, hands touching. He shifted a little closer and turned sideways, one knee up on the bed. He didn't know what Neil was going to say. He swallowed, feeling nervous.
"Thanks," Neil said, glancing at him, and Todd frowned. "For helping me rehearse my lines. You didn't have to."
"But I like it," Todd said eagerly. "I like watching you," he continued before he could stop himself. "Act, I mean." He bit his tongue, wishing Neil hadn't heard any of it, but of course he had.
"Still," Neil said, smiling, and he seemed unbothered. "Thanks."
He put his hand on Todd's and gave it a light squeeze before pulling away again and leaning his head against the wall, closing his eyes and sighing. Todd swallowed hard, still feeling the touch on his skin.
"He said I could keep doing it, on one condition," Neil said after a while, opening his eyes and looking at Todd. His expression was serious.
"If there is any sign it affects my grades in any way, even a tiny bit, it's the Braden Military School for me, end of discussion."
"That's good, isn't it?"
"I guess."
"We'll just have to make sure you keep getting the best grades ever," Todd said, and Neil laughed and looked at him, all the warmth of the world in his eyes, and Todd almost had to look away.
Neil nodded.
"You're right. We do."
*
Neil shivered a little, brushing at his arms to give himself some warmth. It was still a little cool outside, but he could smell the spring was close. He spotted Todd sitting on the bench by a tree, a couple of books next to him. When Neil walked closer, Todd looked up and his face lit up, and Neil felt warmer immediately.
"I thought we could start with math," Todd said, tapping at the top book, but Neil shook his head. His grades were good. Better than they had been at the start of the term even. He hadn't thought it was possible but with Todd anything felt possible.
Todd looked puzzled by his refusal.
"I have a better idea," he said, and he walked to Todd and looked at the books. "We don't need those," he said, taking Todd's bag and shoving them in it.
Then he took Todd by the hand and pulled him up. Todd's fingers were cool like the air around them, the skin soft. Todd looked at the hand. Then Neil brushed the side of Todd's face with his other hand, letting it linger there for a while, touching Todd's lower lip with his thumb. Todd stared at him and his mouth dropped open a little.
Neil grinned, nodding, and he saw Todd's expression shift into understanding. He wished he could capture this moment, the happiness bubbling inside him.
"Follow me," he said, taking a tighter hold of Todd's hand, lacing their fingers together.
He'd been thinking about it all night. Carpe diem. He wanted to live and he knew exactly how it should start.