Chapter Text
Chapter One
Since.
NOVEMBER 2003
I remember. I remember the warmth that would fill me every time our hands would clasp together. During the cold winters, I remember feeling your hands push me around, how you would carry me like a bride. I remember our pitiful arguments over petty things; as annoying as they were, I miss you.
I remember staring at you across the halls, across the rooms at school. I admired you. You were all I could think of, Marie. My mind would be clouded with thoughts of you; all I would think of was you.
But since that day, my mind has still been clouded with her, not in a good way though—with thoughts of other things I could have done, how I could have saved her from her terrible fate. Marie, I miss you.
It was last September, and since that day, I've felt poisoned by bad luck. Why Marie? Why must you have done that? I never truly got it. But, that night, we were supposed to hang out at her house. When I walked into her room, I suddenly saw a knife. The knife was in her hand, in her torso. Memories of her haunt me now.
It is as if I still feel her, her touch, but now she is cold and lifeless. But I still see her…I remember her appearance. Her long, straight, dirty blonde hair, her beautiful, skinny body, how she always swayed her hips as she walked, and her warm and gentle smile. She was such a sweet soul. My God, I miss her.
My heart burns with regret as each day passes. I begin to miss her more and more; it hurts. Every time I think of her, I feel like I'm drowning in my regret.
But I must keep living, it is what she would want. I miss her so much, though. I would do ANYTHING just to see her smile once again, to hear her say “Sonia,” just one last time.
Again, I must live, it is truly what she would want! I must stay hopeful and keep living! Anything to make her happy! I hope she is looking down on me!! Haha!! I MISS YOU, MARIE. I bawl my eyes out almost every night because of the pain; it is simply too much to bear.
I live alone, my mother was arrested and sent to prison just last year, and my father left me when I was 4. But I am 17 now, and my iPod helps me feel less alone.
I can live by myself just fine. I still go to school, and I have a job at the local bakery. It gets the bills paid, and it distracts me from my painful memories of Marie…God, I miss her so much…I just want to see her one last time, I swear, I will do anything.
Today is Sunday. Usually on these days before my life got messed up, I would go to church, but I'm so drained. I don't want to…plus all the people there are so judgmental. They will start to think I, too, am a criminal. So instead, I have to force myself to get off my mattress and get ready for work.
My uniform is cute, I cannot lie. It’s a Neapolitan colored dress, with a cute and lacy white apron on top! I put my hair up in a ponytail and grabbed my keys. I lock the door behind me, and I begin to walk to the bakery.
I haven't eaten breakfast yet, but I never do. I just drink juice when I get to work. I pretty much work alone; no one else comes in on the weekends. I enjoy being alone though. It's relaxing, and it helps me reset my mind. I get in there, and I unlock the door. I light up the open sign so people know.
We open at 9am on Sundays and close at 9pm. The day starts off with little to no people in the bakery, but when church ends, there is usually more people that come in. Also it is November 16th, 2003, meaning that it is near the winter holidays, and soon people will begin to crowd to the bakery.
Since no one came in until about noon, I washed my hands and began to make some sweets for the display. I enjoy doing baking. I also like decorating cakes and cookies, making them all cute. It is very relaxing for me. After I do so, I wash my hands again. Then I have nothing to do once again. I check the clock-11:47 am- people should start coming in soon.
While I wait, I go into my purse and I take my iPod out. It was my christmas gift from Marie last year. I use to smile everytime I would go on it, and I would play my favorite songs. But now everytime i see it, it reminds me of Marie, which makes me feel a tad warm. I should fight my guilt with joy, I should be happy when I use it. After all, she picked up extra hours just so she could buy it for me. I love her so much…God….I miss her.
I started listening to some of my favorite bands. I honestly will just listen to anything as long as it is not “redneck country", otherwise if it has a good beat, it is good for me! I suppose if I had to pick a favorite band, I would probably choose Evanescence, but again, I will listen to anything!
I notice cars starting to park in the parking lot. I turn to the clock once again and I see the time-12:03 pm-that's when all the church folk come in. I take off my headphones, pause my music, and put a smile on my face in hopes I will get some tips.
A little girl, probably about 4 or 5, gasps as she comes in with her mother. A warm smile is on her face, light is beaming in her eyes. She is wearing a pink dress with white polka dots, white socks, black Mary Jane’s, and a black headband with a bow. She walks up to the counter glass where there are all the cakes, cookies, and other sweets I decorated. Her face was practically touching the glass.
“Mommy! Mommy! Can we get that cake?” she says with puppy eyes towards her mother, pointing to a rainbow pastel cake I made. I smile at the sight as she begins to beg, “Pleaseeeee!! I will be good!!” She seems nearly as desperate as I am for a different reality.
“Well Mary, Mommy has to see how much it costs first.” she says to her daughter, Mary, then turns to face me “How much will this cost?” she sighs, knowing it will be hard to tell her daughter no if it is too expensive.
“Let's see…a medium cookies and cream flavored cake…that should be $9.25 without tax!” I say with a smile—it isn't $9, its $12, but if i say that it’s cheaper than it really is I will probably get a bigger tip, so in the end, more money is made.
“Really? Only nine dollars? Perfect! I have twenty, keep the change!” The woman says with a smile on her face, not really noticing that I scammed her. She hands me the money, and I hand her the cake. “Thank you!” she turns to her daughter and looks down, “Mary, what do we say?”
Mary looks up with pure joy in her face, her eyes glistening as if she is seeing a comet shower right above her. “Thank you!” she says ecstatically.
“You’re very welcome!” I smile down at her, “Have a fantastic day, enjoy the cake! Never be worried about coming back!” I say as I wave to the 2 girls.
The rest of my shift was like that, just serving some people my premade sweets. When my shift was over at 4pm, I went home. I put on my headphones once again and listened to music on my iPod. I almost forgot about Marie while I was on my shift, but touching the iPod she once gave me made me think of her once again.
I get inside my house and take off my shoes. “I should fix myself something to eat…” I say out loud to myself. I go into the kitchen, now blasting music from my iPod so I don’t feel so alone.
I never know what to cook, and I always end up eating nothing but a smoothie. It's healthy whilst being unhealthy. But I have no hope. Why should I eat if I'm already full? My stomach is full of guilt and despair; shouldn't that be enough?
After I drink my smoothie, I take off my uniform and hop in the shower. No matter how depressed I get, I would never want Marie to see me like this. I miss her, but I know she wouldn't want me to beat myself up over it. She would want me to keep living, to be happy and such.
I like showering, plus it gives me time to charge my iPod. I love my soaps, I buy sweet-smelling ones. Bath and Body Works is my favorite place for body wash. My favorite scent is sweet pea! I feel replenished after my shower. I get out and I dry myself off.
“I'm hungry…” trembles out of my mouth. I have not been buying food lately since I have not been eating. All i have is stuff to make smoothies, which is not going to fill me up. I go into the kitchen and I grab the phone. I dial the local pizza place—this can be my dinner for a couple nights.
I look at the reflection of myself in the fridge, my black cami tank top and cookie monster pajama pants reflecting back into my eyes. My messy ponytail, a cold touch on my shoulder…wait, a cold touch?
I look back at the reflection; a girl slightly shorter than me, dirty blonde hair, a warm smile on her face, a white lacy night gown stained with blood…Marie. I stand there my mouth a gapped in pure shock, “How is she back here? I thought she died??” Questions like that run through my head. “Marie my dear is that you?” i get excited, but when I turn around, there is no one. Just a fragment of my imagination.
When i turn back to that reflection it is simply just me, but this time I am panting whilst blushing. For the 1st time since September, I am…happy? But it was just my mind, god…why am I like this? Marie makes me crazy, metaphorically and literally.
I hear the doorbell ring. The pizza is here. So, I go to the door. I open it to see the pizza guy. “Uhh..pepperoni for Sonia?” he says, holding the pizza and glancing nonchalantly at the receipt.
“Yea, thats me. Thanks,” I hand him a twenty, “keep the change.” I take the pizza out of his hand, closing the door.
I head into the kitchen, and I lay the pizza down. As I start to eat a slice of the pizza, I realize I honestly forgot what good food tatse like. My mom used to make me baked goods and such, but when she got arrested, she stopped. Marie would cook me dinner instead after that. Honestly, despite my mother being gone, Marie still brought me joy. I never felt any form of guilt with her.
But since she is gone now all I seem to feel is guilt. I was already somewhat obsessed with her when she was alive, and that obsession only worsened when she died.
I go back to my room and I lay on my bed. I put my headphones on and listen to my music on my iPod. I close my eyes, the music blasting. I dont actually know why I still use my headphones. I am alone, it isnt like anyone would even hear it…
Before i know it, I pass out for a bit in my bed, when suddenly, I feel something gently caress my leg. I panic, thinking it is a roach, so as a response, I shriek and jump up. But when i open my eyes, there is no roach. Was it a long piece of hair? This all confused me, but then i heard a voice to familiar to me… “Sonia…”
“Marie???”