s/relationships · 12 hr. ago
throwaway244202148690283

I (30M) can't tell if my friend (35X) wants to be more.

Throwaway for reasons, don't ask.

I (30M) have a friend (35X) who I met about 7 years ago through work. They could be pretty standoffish back then so we didn't become friends right away, even though I thought they were cool. Then MB started up and we started running into each other more and more, and gradually (very gradually) we became really close. Now I consider them one of my best friends, and we text all the time even when we're not hanging out or working together.

The thing is...I have feelings for my friend, and I can't tell if it's one-sided or not. Admittedly, I've always found them really hard to read. At one point I thought it was because they're Apostolosian—in my defense I didn't know very many Apostolosians back then—but I met some other cool defectors from Apostolos through the movement who were really friendly and easy to communicate with, and I realized it really is just my friend. They're one of those "no easy hope or lies/shall bring us to our goal" kind of people. But I'm pretty sure the current vibe between us goes beyond that to where they really are acting weird around me specifically, where sometimes it seems like they return my feelings but then they turn around and act like we're just best buddies again.

Let me give you some examples. A while back, I lost a bunch of people all at once to the Bilats, and I was having a tough time. My friend went out of their way to come visit me and bring me some whiskey so we could talk about it. We got pretty drunk, and I'm not embarrassed to say I cried a lot, and things got kind of...intimate. We didn't kiss (that time), but they held my hand and kind of stroked my hair and that honestly felt way more romantic anyway. I can't really explain it, but I know it wasn't just me who was feeling it. But then they left and we never talked about it, and like a week later, I heard rumours that they were hooking up with a mutual acquaintance (32F) who neither of us even likes, so who knows.

Another example started a little after the whole thing with the sun. I got news they'd done something really cool (sorry, have to be vague), and I was kind of in my feelings from having a recent near death experience, so I decided to be brave and send them kind of a flirty text. They left me on read for a while and when they did reply, they bypassed the whole flirty part of the text and called me bro. So I was like, okay, question answered, right?

Well, fast forward to the Mirage bomb. We crossed paths right after it happened, which was really lucky because I think otherwise they might have died. I got them into the cockpit of my mech with me and we managed to save their crew and get to safety, but there was a while there where things were pretty touch and go. At one point, I was ready to take on a Bilat in a really high-risk situation—I've been with MB since the start, I have no qualms about going out fighting—but in the heat of the moment, they grabbed the controls from me and tried to take the hit instead of me. That made me have the "oh shit, I can't get them killed, they're too important" realization and I quickly disengaged. It all turned out fine, but later, when I thought about it, it was pretty clear they'd been trying to save me. And I was like, okay, people sacrifice themselves for their friends, that doesn't really mean anything. But...what if it does? And not that she necessarily knows anything, but a member of my friend's crew gave me a super exaggerated wink when that whole incident came up in conversation later, so apparently I'm not the only one thinking that?

Typing all this out, I can see that there's a solid chance they're not into me that way, but it's driving me nuts that I don't know for sure. I can accept it if it turns out they just want to stay friends, but I need to know, one way or another. And other people are noticing the weird vibe too. There was the wink I mentioned, plus the other day, this new kid on my friend's crew cracked some joke about my friend being the crew's parent and me being "the dad who stepped up".

Obviously, in an ideal world, I'd just talk to them about this, but my friend is worse at talking about their feelings than anyone else I know. It's like they're allergic to it. I want to talk it out, but I'm genuinely worried that if I push too hard they'll end up distancing themself from me. What should I do? (And before anyone suggests getting them drunk to make them more talkative, the last time I tried something like that I accidentally asked if I could move in with them. Bad idea.)

TL;DR: I want to be more than friends and they act like they want the same but talk like we're platonic bros, help.

EDIT: Thanks to everyone who's given me actual advice so far. For those of you questioning my loyalty to the cause, some points of clarification:

1. I'm not Nidean, chill. I had to read a bunch of their poetry when I was younger for professional reasons and some of it stuck.

2. They're too important to Millennium Break. Don't make me tap the sign (the sign says "Throwaway for reasons, don't ask").

3. They were able to grab the controls because my mech's cockpit is tiny and not meant for two people. They were kind of in my lap. Trust me, there are not many people or many situations where I'd let that happen. I know what I'm doing.

EDIT 2: We've gotten drunk and made out a few times over the years, but from their side it might have been in a Just Friends kind of way.

EDIT 3: u/winged_angel and u/TheFaithfulGardner asked for some more details about my friend being allergic to feelings. I don't want to get too deep into it, but basically, we once had a mutual friend (?X), let's call them...Z.

Z was a real hero, and they died 6 years ago. My friend was a lot closer to Z than I was (tbh I think they were in love with Z), so when I tell you that I'm still not over Z's death, you can imagine how my friend must feel. The thing is, these days, they never talk about Z or even acknowledge Z existed. Obviously I worry, but it's kind of hard to broach a subject with someone who sprints away from any mention of that subject at full speed (metaphorically but also, once, literally). Anything that gets anywhere near that topic—grief, feelings—is a no-fly zone. They're amazing, but this is one area where they do not allow their boundaries to be pushed by anyone, even their friends.

EDIT 4: I'm not telling you people any more about Z. That is not the point of this post.