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Shocking as it may sound to most, Jax did actually have some friends at one point.
He had first built a friendship with Ragatha, who had arrived before he did. He found her to be a little too motherly and overprotective at times.
But honestly?
He couldn't say he hated it. It actually felt nice to have someone care about him that much since his birth parents hardly did. She was like the older sister he'd never had. A very overprotective one, at that.
The two who had arrived in the circus first, a couple named Kinger and Queenie, also took the then-child rabbit under their wings and treated him almost like a son.
At some point, more members began to appear in the circus.
The two most notable ones to Jax were a frog named Ribbit and a clown named Kaufmo.
One day, Caine had designed an in-house adventure for the new members to get to know each other.
As a result, Jax learned that Kaufmo and Ribbit both enjoyed playing pranks and the three of them formed a little friend group.
They hung out together all the time, becoming practically inseparable within a relatively short time frame.
Until they got forcibly separated.
First came Ribbit developing an obsession with leaving the circus and voicing it a number of times. Then came when she began to desperately search everywhere for an exit.
No matter how many times everyone told them there was no exit, they kept trying.
Eventually, that became the end of them.
She ended up losing herself to the thoughts that never left her alone. She was no longer the sweet but sassy frog she used to be, now she was a dark mass full of many eyes.
She got banished to the basement a short time later.
And once again, a trio became a duo.
Kaufmo and Jax stayed friends after losing Ribbit, but both of them missed her and nothing felt the same without her.
On a few occasions, Kaufmo ended up isolating himself and not wanting to be around anyone.
Of course, that worried Jax.
He didn't want to lose another friend to the horror of abstraction, especially so soon.
He tried everything he could think of to get the clown to hang out with him again.
And only sometimes did it work.
Kaufmo tried to pull himself out of his depression, but it became harder and harder to do so as time went on.
Both because he missed Ribbit…and because he had found himself also starting to want to find a way out of this digital hellscape.
He eventually shared this with Jax, saying that he didn't want to be in a world where a fate worse than death often befell many members.
And oh, how ironic that was.
Not too long after Ribbit had abstracted, Kaufmo ended up wanting to find a way out and then eventually meeting the same fate.
Now both of Jax's friends had become many-eyed monsters.
He didn't think he could ever come to terms with the fact that in place of where his best friends used to be, now they were creatures that wreaked destruction everywhere they went.
At this point, he began to feel more alone than ever.
Ribbit was gone, Kaufmo was gone, and he and Ragatha weren't as close as they once were (though Jax, loath as he was to admit it, acknowledged that it was mostly his fault since he had started to become more closed off after having lost his best friends).
Eventually, their friendship fizzled out completely for a number of reasons and they acted more like strangers than as the close friends they had once been.
And so Jax remained the funny one who caused chaos for his own enjoyment and never let anyone get too close. This continued on for a long time.
Until the newcomer entered the circus.
Jax had tried to keep his distance from the small jester known as Pomni for a bit despite feeling oddly drawn to her, but then something changed during the cursed fast food adventure he never cared to relive.
After being trapped in a dark room, tied up, and forced to stare at a screen with flashing lights, it was safe to say that the rabbit felt more than a little disoriented. So much so that he didn't even have the energy to put his carefully crafted mask back on.
He attempted to start up a genuine conversation with Pomni, but it wasn't lost on him how Pomni almost gave him an honest answer before catching herself and deflecting to an “everything's fine”.
It hurt a little, but Jax couldn't really blame her. He had played pranks on her, teased her, and thrown her out of a moving truck.
And then the conversation ended up getting cut short anyway because the infuriating bundle of ribbons that Jax liked better when she was sad summoned him to the kitchen to wash some dishes.
He halfheartedly waved to Pomni, bade her goodbye, and tiredly trudged away.
Then came the day where the crew jumped from adventure to adventure.
Jax ended up having more of a conversation with Pomni during the adventure where they had a picnic under the stars. It started out with him wondering aloud if Gangle was actually happy, to commenting that, from his perspective, the words “I care about you” eventually lost their meaning after being said too many times, to when Pomni asked if he had friends.
Ragatha had been around at the time and she muttered to Pomni, “not anymore”.
Immediately, Jax froze and glared up at her.
Ragatha frantically began to backpedal, apologizing and telling him that she hadn't meant what he thought.
Jax knew logically that maybe Ragatha wasn't trying to say that he was friendless because Kaufmo and Ribbit were gone and that she was too nice to do anything like that (nice to a fault, in fact), but he couldn't help but take it that way. Especially when he still wondered if he could've done something more to keep them here.
Throughout the next adventures, he stuck close to Pomni and kept talking to her.
Then it all came to a head when Caine provided Jax's dream adventure: guns.
He and Pomni ended up being on a team, he convinced her to let loose a bit, and then the two of them tore their way through the adventure by shooting everyone and eventually winning.
Jax couldn't believe it. For once, he actually felt…what was this? Happier? More at ease? Having fun?
That was unheard of.
Then he felt Pomni hugging him, and he began to panic. He instinctively pushed her away.
And it didn't stop there.
He went on a whole tirade about how everyone was his playthings, he was the one who caused pain for fun, he didn't care about anyone in the circus, and there was nothing more to him than what he'd shown everyone.
But as much as he'd ranted about all that, he still hadn't fought back when Pomni attacked him. And she had noticed it and asked why he wasn't fighting back.
And then it got worse. Because of course it did.
Once the favorite character awards took place, the rabbit found himself struggling to keep it together.
So he ran.
He escaped to the bathroom, where he then turned on the faucet, gripped the sink, proceeded to panic, and nearly abstract.
Jax then got snapped out of it when Disappearing Guy appeared and then, true to his name, disappeared.
He tiredly stared at his reflection. “God, you look stupid.”
Just as always, he tried to deflect. Make a joke to appease thinking about the things he tried to push to the back corner of his mind.
And it didn't get better. Because of course it didn't.
After his fight with Pomni, Jax ended up withdrawing even more than he usually did.
He had a chance to befriend someone new, someone who didn't know him yet and therefore couldn't form a soured opinion on him like everyone else in the circus had.
And he blew it.
Of course he did.
He couldn't have a single good thing without ruining it or having it get ruined for him, apparently.
During the brief beach adventure, Jax didn't indulge in what would have usually been his type of pranks. He didn't sneak up behind Gangle and Zooble and dump water on their sandcastle, he didn't throw sand at anyone, and he didn't touch someone's leg under the water to make them think there were jellyfish. Instead, he set up camp an extended distance away from the others and just sat by himself.
Then Zooble of all people headed over to him and confronted him, pointing out that they opened up about their problems to those that they trusted.
Jax just stared blankly at them for a long moment, then pasted his trademark grin into his face. “Well, good thing I don't have any problems then!” He skulked away.
He then found himself back in his room where he had been spending the majority of his time. He grabbed one of the turned over Polaroids off his wall and turned it around.
There laid him smiling alongside Kaufmo and Ribbit.
A moment he could never have again.
He just stared at the picture with a blank expression, feelings and memories rushing through him.
He ended up seeing an arm reach for him…so he did the sensible thing and touched it.
He was then transported to a state of mind that felt eerily calm.
But at the same time, it was enough to put a smile on his face. Not even his trademark grin. A genuine smile.
Eventually, he was interrupted by…Pomni?
She was actually talking to him? After everything he had done?
And more shockingly…there was an NPC standing in the hallway?
And…they were trying to find a way out? The NPC even thought he found one?
Jax would be lying if he said he hadn't tensed up on instinct at those words. That had been the exact way he lost both of his best friends, and he had been trying so hard since then to not fall down the same path.
Though, sometimes he wondered if it would really be that bad if he did…
He quickly shook the thought away, not wanting to dwell on it.
At one point during the circus members’ quest to find a way out, Jax asked Zooble if they had someone waiting for them back in the real world.
“Do you?” Zooble shot the question right back at him.
The rabbit froze for a minute as some unwelcome thoughts flashed through his mind. “Uh…yeah.”
He then spent the rest of the adventure of sorts thinking about the two people he found himself missing every day.
And it only got worse.
First, the NPC, who was named Abel, led everyone to where memories were kept.
Jax’s eyes fell upon a certain memory as soon as some familiar voices reached his ears.
One of his last interactions with Ribbit.
And it hadn't even been a pleasant one.
They had been arguing, and Jax had done the worst thing he could think of in that moment: claim that he and Ribbit weren't friends.
He stayed frozen for so long that Pomni headed over to him and asked if he was okay.
“Fine,” he replied, his eyes never straying from the memory orb.
Eventually though, he did need to walk away. He had already been tormented by that memory every waking moment, he didn't need to see a physical manifestation of it.
Once everyone found the red and blue buttons, one of which would supposedly lead them back to the real world (though Jax still maintained his doubts), something else happened.
Some flashbacks passed through his mind.
He saw the inside of a car.
A children at play sign.
A dark road.
Fueled by a familiar sense of panic, the rabbit hurried over to the buttons and pounded his fist against the red button.
Effectively trapping everyone in the circus forevermore.
I can't go back there. Not again, he thought, his fear still strong.
After having a bit of a breakdown about how Caine got in his head and he returned to the quiet of his room, Jax's thoughts returned to him in full force.
He thought about Queenie, how she had been much more of a mother figure than his own biological mom had ever been…and how she was no longer with them.
He thought about Kinger and the way he had been a kind, reassuring father figure. More so than his biological dad ever was…and how Kinger had lost a lot of his sanity after losing his beloved Queenie and was never the same person again.
He thought about Ribbit and how he had once been friends with her…and how he had screwed it all up when they'd had a fight and in the heat of the moment, he had claimed that they weren't friends…and how he had lost them soon after.
He thought about Kaufmo, how the two of them had been such good friends once and the way Jax had always secretly wished they could be something more…and how he never got that chance because Kaufmo had grown obsessed with finding an exit and those thoughts ate him alive until he was no longer himself and abstraction came to claim him.
He thought about Ragatha, how she had instantly taken to him like an older sister might and the way she always protected him and spent time with him and how close they once were…and how the two of them were no longer close after Jax had started to push her away when he lost his two best friends.
And now he was right back to remembering why he always tried so hard to avoid thinking about any of this. If he ventured far enough down memory lane, it just left him feeling depressed and with a huge sense of loss.
And feeling haunted, too.
Very haunted.
It was like the ghosts of Queenie, Kaufmo, and Ribbit were always lingering over him and reminding him of how much he'd lost.
And it wasn't even just limited to those who weren't around anymore.
Sometimes he felt like he was mourning someone still alive when he thought about how Kinger was no longer the same person he used to be unless he was in the dark, the way he had ruined his chances of befriending Pomni, and how he and Ragatha had become more like strangers than the close friends they once were.
He was so stuck in his own head that he didn't even hear the knock on his door until the third time.
He glanced over at his closed door, wondering who it was but also not particularly wanting anyone to see him like this.
His door cracked open, and there stood Ragatha.
Jax froze when he noticed the familiar (but also not) ragdoll standing in his doorway.
“You doing okay?” she asked in that sweet voice Jax knew so well and that used to be directed at him. “You’ve been holed up in here all day.”
Out of pure instinct, Jax forced his signature grin. “Never better, Ragsy.”
Ragatha raised an eyebrow.
Jax sighed, his smile falling as his ears drooled. “Fine, maybe I'm not.”
“Do you…want to talk about it?” Ragatha felt a bit awkward asking the question since she and Jax had grown so far apart.
Jax thought about it for a minute, then shrugged. “Maybe a little.”
Ragatha blinked in shock, then entered the room and sat by the rabbit.
Jax looked at her for a minute, then tried to gather his thoughts as he began talking. “Just…thinking about everyone I've lost, I guess.”
Ragatha looked at him.
“Queenie's gone, my two best friends are gone, Kinger isn't himself anymore, you and I have drifted apart, and I've no doubt ruined my chances of becoming friends with Pomni,” Jax continued, the weight of his words hitting him as he spoke.
Ragatha looked at him. “Yeah…I miss those we've lost, too.”
Jax nodded.
“But…I'm not sure you've completely ruined your chances of being Pomni's friend,” Ragatha revealed.
Jax paused and looked at her.
“She and I had a long conversation the other day, and she did mention what you did,” Ragatha noted. “She was pretty hurt.”
Jax averted his gaze. Of course Pomni had told Ragatha about it, the two of them were pretty close nowadays…and of course she was hurt over what happened, why wouldn't she be?
“I tried my best to help her feel better, but I think what'll really help her is if you apologize to her,” Ragatha pointed out.
“...Yeah,” Jax agreed. He owed her that much, at least.
After a few moments of silence, Jax glanced Ragatha's way again. “...Do you think she'll forgive me or want to be friends?”
“That's up to her.” Ragatha’s voice was kind as usual, but there was also an undertone of firmness that hammered in the message that it was Pomni's choice and Pomni's choice alone.
“...Right,” Jax replied. Loath as he was to admit it, a part of him did hope that Pomni would forgive him should he apologize.
The two of them were silent again for a minute.
Then Jax looked at Ragatha again. “Another thing I miss is…how we were.”
Ragatha froze, shocked by the admission. “You do?”
Jax nodded.
Ragatha fell silent, still stunned. She had always thought she was the only one who missed the time when she was friends with Jax. She never would've guessed he missed it too, not when the only interactions he had with her lately were putting bugs in her room, telling her she was too nice for her own good, or teasing her about how she totally didn't have a crush on a certain jester.
And that was just when he did talk to her. Half the time, he just ignored her existence.
Jax looked at her. “It's fine if you don't miss it or don't want to be friends again, I just figured I'd tell you.”
Ragatha looked back at him. “We’d need to talk through some things first and go from there,” she answered as honestly as she could.
Jax deflated a bit, but he knew he couldn't really blame the doll for not jumping at the chance to be friends again. “Yeah. Yeah, we should do that.”
Ragatha glanced over at the clock on the wall. “But it'll have to be some other time. I promised Pomni I'd meet her at the digital carnival soon.”
Jax felt a grin spread across his face despite the somber mood that hung over them both. “Ah, yes. You're going on a date.”
“Jax!” Ragatha scolded, though she sounded a little amused. “It’s not a date!”
“Sure it isn't, Rags.” Jax grinned more.
Ragatha chuckled. “It really isn't. We're still just friends.”
“For now…”
“Jax!”
The rabbit snickered.
Ragatha found herself joining in on the laughter.
And for just a moment, the two of them forgot all the history there was between them and felt like they had been transported back to happier times, back to when nothing was broken and the future was open. They were teasing each other and bantering again, and it wasn't one-sided this time.
Ragatha laughed a bit more. “Okay, I gotta go. Let's talk soon.”
Jax nodded. “Alrighty, have fun on your ‘not-date’.” He made air quotes.
Ragatha made a face, but then she waved and left, closing the door behind her.
Jax just stared at the closed door for a minute, his mind reeling over everything that had happened today.
He had gone from spending all this time thinking about his fallen friends (or rather, being haunted by them), Ragatha had come to talk to him, and now they had plans to try and talk through everything that had happened leading up to the demise of their friendship.
They weren't officially friends again and didn't know if they would be after everything that had happened between them, but Ragatha was at least willing to hear Jax out.
And that was all he could ask for.