Archive of Our Own ^beta

1.

Hirano is sitting on a steel bench with his thighs pressed tightly together, precariously balancing an open bag of fries in his lap while Kagiura uses the bathroom. He’s liable for early onset cardiovascular disease, from all the excessive amounts of grease and salts swirling around in his digestive system. It’s hot today, but the breeze in the air makes it feel a few degrees cooler than the actual temperature. It’s the perfect weather for being outside, the sky crystalline clear without a single cloud. The sound of people laughing and screaming is so constant, it’s faded to a distant lull. Hirano hopes this isn’t a sign of hearing damage and just his body acclimating to the noise.

It’s the weekend, and Kagiura got perfect marks on his math test, so Hirano promised him an official first date to an amusement park as a sort of incentive. They’ve both been pretty busy lately, with nationals coming up for Kagiura and Hirano looking more seriously at universities. Summer break is right around the corner, which means he’ll be going home while Kagiura focuses on training for basketball.

He’s excited about coming to Kagiura’s tournament in August, but he’s not sure he’s ready for the oppressive quiet of his family home. He’s certainly not looking forward to the stilted conversations he’ll inevitably be forced to have with his father, always so gruff and difficult to please. Everything his father says and does feels pointed and scathing, even in the silence. God, the silence. It’s fucking excruciating. The simple scrape of a spoon against ceramic feels like a warning. The lack of acknowledgment a judgment. The disinterest in all the stories he shares with his mother about his friends a purposeful rejection.

Kagiura’s ever flowing curiosity and near constant stream of consciousness is a refreshing contrast Hirano never expected to treasure so profoundly. Kagiura is earnest and forthcoming and brings a certain color to his life he never knew was missing.

He is excited to see his mother and eat her cooking again, even if the tradeoff doesn’t nearly amount to the joy he gets from living with Kagiura tucked away inside their dorm. She might not be loud, but she always initiates conversation and watches Hirano speak with a quiet but focused attentiveness. She’s softspoken and lovely and looks after him with unbridled affection and pride. When he got in a fight back in middle school and came home with scraped up knuckles and a bruised ego, his father was so angry he couldn’t even look at him. His mother had snuck in his room that night and gently probed him for more information, empathetic and compassionate and everything his father would never be. He only wishes she would be less passive, and come to his defense in front of his father, instead of in secret. He’s always wanted to ask why, but it felt like breaking some unspoken rule. Like acknowledging any conflict would dismantle the floorboards and shake the very foundation of their household.

A shrill cry of an infant redirects the trajectory of Hirano’s thoughts towards his surroundings. It’s not the first time they’ve been to this amusement park, but last time they went, they didn’t have enough time to go on all the rides they wanted to. Hirano knows how disappointed Kagiura was specifically missing out on the Ferris wheel, so he’s determined to make up for it this time.

It’s been as fun and easy as it always is, spending time with Kagiura. Hirano scolded him for trying to eat a bunch of sugary snacks before riding the roller coasters. He forced Kagiura to stay properly hydrated the entire day to avoid stomach upset. He helped Kagiura find a horizontal surface to lie on top of after going disturbingly green in the face from riding the Tilt-a-Whirl. He helped Kagiura pose for various pictures to send to his family’s group chat. He watched Kagiura eat a churro the size of his head and yelled at him for eating too fast. He lost to Kagiura in almost every single arcade game they played together and then apologized for his poor sportsmanship (i.e., lobbing an air hockey puck at his face).

He’s not sure what a first date is supposed to feel like, exactly, but it doesn’t seem like their dynamic has shifted at all. So far there’s no awkwardness, and Kagiura isn’t acting any different than he usually would. He’s made zero attempt to touch him so far, and the sun is already starting to set. Last time they were here, Kagiura had clung to him like an oversized leech. He sort of misses the carefree way Kagiura had touched him, and wonders if there’s a way he can close some distance between them without making things feel conspicuous or forced.

The ten second system is getting confusing and tedious, especially now that they’ve treaded into dating territory. To Hirano’s understanding, it’s meant to be used exclusively to touch like lovers would. The line between touching like lovers and touching like friends seems increasingly thin and vague. There’s so much overlap, it’s only made them touch each other less. It feels weird, considering they’re supposed to be dating now. Before Kagiura confessed, they touched each other all the time, for much longer durations. Hirano never had to question it before, because it just happened organically. There was no expectation of what it meant; it was just comfortable and fun being together and sharing space.

They’re dating, so does dissecting the meaning behind every touch really matter? They already know how they feel about each other, so it seems kind of redundant. Without the ten seconds, though, Hirano is worried there’s no real distinction between being friends verses being in a relationship.

He pauses in the middle of chewing his food, his eyebrows bunching together in thought. Is dating the same thing as being in a relationship?

He sighs and decides to consult his phone, even though historically it’s never gotten him anywhere good.

According to Google, they’re not the same thing. Dating is meant to be period of time to get to know someone, and being in a relationship is apparently an exclusive emotional bond involving mutual commitment.

What the fuck does that even mean? Hirano already knows Kagiura. He likes him, which is why he wants to go out with him in the first place. He stares at his phone screen and scowls, because it doesn’t make any fucking sense. Why would he want to date someone he doesn’t know? What kind of messed up logic is that?

“Whatcha looking at?” Kagiura asks cheerfully, startling Hirano into dropping his phone on his face.

“Ugh, nothing that makes any sense,” he grumbles, scooting over to make room so Kagiura can sit beside him.

Kagiura gently pokes the red spot on his forehead with the tip of his index finger, laughing sweetly when Hirano swats his hand away. “Like what?”

Hirano looks around, grimacing at the giant crowd of people surrounding them. “I’ll tell you later.” He gives Kagiura a sour stare. “Also, that was one second.”

Kagiura predictably pouts, falling easily into the trap Hirano set. He bites back a grin and watches Kagiura flounder with a smug feeling rising inside his chest. “Whaaaat??? No way! That definitely doesn’t count!”

They bicker on their way over to the Ferris wheel since it’s already getting late and they want to get on before curfew ends. The line is fairly long, but it moves quickly. Kagiura rambles excitedly about how it’s been forever since he’s ridden on one, and how last time his older brother kept rocking the kart they were on to try and scare him and his sisters. Hirano imagines a much smaller Kagiura cowering in his seat and snorts, reaching out to give his hair a playful tousle.

Kagiura freezes up, his smile fracturing for half a second. Then, he pastes an artificial one back on with a mechanical kind of efficiency that looks wrong on his face. Hirano may not be that great with social cues, but he knows Kagiura well enough to identify his genuine smile.

He used to muss his hair up all the time before Kagiura confessed to him. He hates that he’s being so damn weird about it, especially since they’ve already fought about this exact thing before. Touching him is supposed to make Kagiura happy, damn it. If they weren’t surrounded by people, Hirano would yell at him for being stupid.

The second they have privacy inside that damn Ferris wheel, Hirano is gonna grill into him properly.

For now—

“You’re an idiot,” he says, glowering at Kagiura when he starts sulking like an oversized toddler. “I’m gonna push you out of the kart when we get inside.”

“Huh??? No way! Hirano-san!”

Once they’re actually on the ride, Hirano gets distracted by how excited Kagiura is about the sky changing colors. He laughs at him and pulls out his phone to take a picture of his toothy grin, the sunset a pretty damn glorious backdrop. Kagiura takes a bunch of pictures of the sky to send to his sister, his enthusiasm climbing higher and higher as their kart ascends.

Once they slow to a stop near the Ferris wheel’s peak, Kagiura shyly asks if they can take a selfie together. When he points his phone camera towards them, Kagiura makes no move to close the distance between them needed to take a proper photo. Hirano makes an exasperated sound and throws his arm around Kagiura’s neck to forcefully bring their heads together.

“Stop being so weird and take the damn picture,” he says angrily, ignoring Kagiura’s obnoxious whining about how hard Hirano’s head is. “And then when we’re done, I’m gonna yell at you.”

Kagiura bites his lip, his pupils slanting in several directions before finally focusing on the camera’s lens. “Hirano-san, it’s just that you have kind of a scary look on your face, and it wouldn’t make a very good photo if I took it right now…”

Hirano smiles just enough for Kagiura to take a decent picture, and then promptly starts smacking at his stupidly broad shoulder the second he puts his phone back in his pocket.

“Owwww, stop hitting! You’re ruining the ambiance!! Hirano-san!!!”

“Why are you being so weird?” Smack. “Aren’t we on a date right now?” Another smack. “Haven’t we already been through this before? Huh?” One more smack, and then Kagiura stops him from making anymore contact with his fingers wrapped firmly around his wrist.

“I’m sorry, okay?” Kagiura gently lets him go once he no longer deems Hirano a threat. He sounds genuinely apologetic, so Hirano obediently retracts his hand and lets him explain himself. “I just—I don’t want to use up all my ten seconds, or accidentally take advantage just because we’re on one date. Especially since you’re being nice enough to actually give me a shot.”

“I like you, though,” Hirano says. “I told you I wanted to be with you. I’m not just being nice.”

“I—I know you like me as a person, and that you want to be around me. But that’s not what I mean.”

Hirano feels like they’re having two completely different conversations right now. He stares at Kagiura, taken aback by everything he just said. “What the hell are you even talking about?”

“We’re still testing everything,” Kagiura says slowly, like Hirano’s the idiot here. “So I don’t want to rush you, or touch you too much when I only get ten seconds to see if you to want to date me for real. It wouldn’t be fair, especially since you’re letting me take you out like this…”

Hirano doesn’t even know which part of Kagiura’s nonsense to pick apart first. He considers yelling at him for taking credit for his amusement park date idea, but there are much more pressing issues that need to be addressed other than who’s taking out who.

“Kagi-kun, we’re on a real date right now?”

Kagiura stares back at him with equal amounts of confusion. “I know that?”

“So how aren’t we dating for real if I’m on a date with you?”

“Because we’re still testing things,” Kagiura says uncertainly. “Right? The—the ten seconds—”

“Doesn’t that mean we’re dating, though?” Hirano interrupts, aghast at how wildly they’ve misunderstood each other after all this time. “Since we like each other, and we use special time to touch like boyfriends, or whatever? You’re the one who made the rule, I’m just following your lead.” He thinks about what Google told him earlier and then frowns. “Although I still don’t really get what dating actually means.”

Kagiura looks at him for a troubling amount of time without blinking, and then promptly turns bright red. “You like me? Like, like me like me? Like how I like you?”

Hirano is seriously close to getting a migraine from how many times Kagiura has used the word like in the last 15 seconds. “Didn’t we already have this conversation? Do I need to slap you again? And I just said that I like you.”

“Um,” Kagiura says, his skin shifting from a fluorescent red to a dangerous looking shade of purple. “I didn’t—I thought you meant that as friends? And that you wanted to keep on trying things out, since we’re still doing the ten seconds?”

“Why would I sit you down just to tell you I like you as friends?” Hirano demands incredulously. “I told you before that I was responding to your feelings. We’re literally on a date right now.” He studies the surprised look on Kagiura’s face and shakes his head. “Obviously I like you. I told you that I wanted to be with you.”

Kagiura hides his face inside his palms and makes a noise like he’s being strangled. He kicks his feet out, and then lowers his hands so he can peer at Hirano again.

“So we’re dating?”

He’s a charming concoction of sheepish and hopeful, all packed inside the body of a gangly 17-year-old boy. His heart is so authentic and true, it makes Hirano want to give him whatever he wants.

And what he wants is Hirano. It’s unfathomable, when Kagiura could have anyone. It would be stupid not to take such an unbelievable opportunity before it has the chance to slip through his fingers.

Hirano masks his mushy feelings to gesture furiously around them. He says, for what feels like the hundredth time, “We’re on a date right now. How are we not dating?”

“Going on one date doesn’t mean that we’re dating, Hirano-san.”

Hirano throws his hands up in ire, all his fluffy-warm feelings from before replaced with frustration. “Then what the fuck does it mean? Google told me dating was supposed to be a chance to,” he does finger quotes and pulls a disgusted face, “’Get to know each other’”. By that definition, maybe we’re not dating after all.”

Kagiura looks like a child who just got his balloon popped. “So we’re not dating…?”

“According to the internet, a relationship is a more accurate label,” Hirano says. “Which is apparently not the same thing as dating.”

Kagiura’s eyes double in size. “We’re in a relationship?”

Hirano frowns, uncertainty making his skin prickle. “Do you not want to be?”

“Obviously I want to be!! I just didn’t know you wanted to be!”

“Isn’t that kind of the whole point? When I told you I liked you?”

Kagiura gives Hirano a blank look before erupting into an uproarious fit of laughter. They’re at the very top of the wheel now, but Kagiura is a lot more fun to watch.

Bemused, Hirano asks, “Why on earth are you laughing?”

“Because you’re funny,” Kagiura says, a lopsided grin on his face. “And ridiculous. And my boyfriend, apparently.”

“Apparently,” Hirano grumbles, color finally bleeding into his cheeks. He kicks at Kagiura’s ankle with the tip of his shoe. “Idiot. Why would I go on a date with someone I don’t like? You’re the ridiculous one, not me.”

“Ugh, we’re just talking in circles,” Kagiura says. He sits up suddenly, his eyes sparkling with elation. “Can I use my ten seconds now? It feels like it’s the perfect time...”

Hirano rolls his eyes but obligingly holds out one hand. Kagiura folds their fingers together and tucks them happily onto his thigh, his smile bright and sunny. He squeezes Hirano’s hand and wiggles excitedly in his seat.

It’s cute. Kagiura’s his boyfriend now, so it’s perfectly reasonable for Hirano to think that about him.

Well. Probably, at least. Hirano already thought Kagiura was cute, even when they were just friends. He really doesn’t understand the logistics of all this relationship business.

“Say, Hirano-san,” Kagiura says, his face melting into something almost shy. “This is awfully romantic, don’t you think? The sunset, the Ferris wheel, your bold confession of love—”

“I didn’t confess shit,” Hirano interrupts, wrinkling his nose up. “I told you all of this already. How is that a confession of love?”

“So mean,” Kagiura mumbles, shifting his arms to the side so he can untangle their fingers.

Hirano grips tightly onto his hand before Kagiura can finish separating them. “I’m using mine, too.”

“Um, okay,” Kagiura says, his eyes softening. He scoots close enough so their thighs touch, and then gingerly puts his head on Hirano’s shoulder. “Is this alright, then?”

“It’s nothing we haven’t already done before.”

Kagiura sighs, sounding put out. “That’s not what I asked, Hirano-san.”

“Of course it’s fine.” He awkwardly rests his head against Kagiura’s. “Um. Is this comfortable for you?”

“I like it a lot,” Kagiura says, his voice low and hushed. Ten seconds go by, and he lets out a wistful exhale. “I wish we could stay like this for a little bit longer...”

“So spoiled,” Hirano says admonishingly, but he’s gentle when he withdraws his hand. He wouldn’t have minded staying like that either, but he’ll be damned before admitting that to Kagiura. His thoughts have gotten much too corny lately, and touching Kagiura is making it worse. “That was 20 whole seconds you just got.”

Kagiura smiles at him, positively radiant washed in purple and orange and pink. The kaleidoscope of colors pale in comparison to the shine of Kagiura’s eyes, golden brown beneath the setting sun.

Ugh. Hirano feels revolted with himself. He needs to get his thoughts in check and quit waxing poetic about Kagiura’s eyes, for fuck’s sake. He refuses to be that person, just because he’s in a relationship.

Kagiura bats his eyes at him and simpers out, “No time is ever enough when it comes to you, Hirano-san.”

“Shut up,” Hirano laughs, the flush already on his face darkening. He kicks Kagiura’s ankle and pretends like it’s an accident when he leaves it there.

“So, since you’re my boyfriend…” Kagiura bites his lip, already subjecting Hirano to his huge, pleading pair of doe eyes. Anxiety churns inside Hirano’s belly, the beginnings of nausea clawing its way into his throat.

He’s terrified Kagiura is gonna ask him for something he’s unable to give. The atmosphere is painfully romantic, a lot more obvious now that Kagiura pointed it out. What if he asks to kiss him? Hirano’s not sure he has the mental fortitude to tell him no this time, even though he still doesn’t want to.

“…Am I allowed to tell you how gorgeous I think you look now?”

Hirano exhales loudly in relief, the tense lines of his shoulders sinking. His heartbeat resets to a normal rhythm. Then, he truly processes Kagiura’s ridiculous question and blushes up to his ears, kicking Kagiura again for being so gross.

He can’t help but ponder in the back of his mind how long it’ll take for Kagiura to bring up kissing.

He wonders if it’s normal to feel trepidation instead of excitement thinking about kissing his own boyfriend. He curls his hands into tight fists at his sides and watches the sky slowly fade from pink and orange to a midnight blue.

2.

Kagiura won the first game of his basketball tournament by a landslide, so Hirano treats him to fried chicken for dinner after he’s done showering and cooling off with his team. They’re eating outside on a patch of grass next to a flower garden, only a ten-minute walk from the hotel Kagiura is staying at.

Hirano watches in weary fascination as Kagiura shovels food into his mouth like he hasn’t eaten in weeks, chicken skin sticking to the corner of his lips and chin. There’s a shiny smear of grease on his cheek that makes Hirano’s stomach turn inside out.

“You sure worked up an appetite,” Hirano comments weakly, torn between amusement and disgust at how quickly Kagiura gets to the bone of his chicken wing. He nudges his unfinished bowl of white rice towards Kagiura as a silent offering, a little too queasy from watching Kagiura eat like a starved animal to feel very hungry.

“You’re not gonna eat that?” Kagiura asks, his words slurred and muffled by food. It’s a miracle Hirano is able to construe anything cohesive with his mouth that full.

“Kagi-kun, please chew and swallow before speaking,” Hirano sighs, reaching out to dab his face with a napkin. “And yeah, it’s all yours.”

Kagiura is just finishing throwing away his trash into a nearby bin when Hirano hears the first rumble of thunder. He frowns, surprised that both of them failed to notice how dark the clouds have gotten while they were eating. He gives the air an evaluating sniff and grimaces at the smell of rain. Neither of them brought umbrellas, which means they’ll likely have to hightail it back to Kagiura’s hotel room to avoid the worst of the oncoming storm.

The weather is unfortunately less than gracious. Not seconds later it starts to downpour, the rain coming down in heavy sheets. Hirano swears and grabs Kagiura’s wrist, breaking into a sprint and scowling at how quickly he goes from dry to completely soaked, his hair sticking uncomfortably to his cheek and forehead.

“I didn’t even know it was supposed to storm!!” Kagiura shouts over the rhythmic pounding of the rain on the asphalt. He has no problem laughing while they run, with his stupid amount of stamina; Hirano, on the other hand, is already exhausted and they’ve only made it two and a half blocks. The added weight of wearing wet clothes certainly doesn’t help anything.

“Fuck, I need a minute,” Hirano gasps, after making it one more block. He stands under the overhang of a nearby building to catch his breath, his palms pressed flat to its rough exterior. His lungs are burning with effort, raw and aching and painful. His heart pounds a furious, aggressive tempo inside his ears, throbbing so loudly he can scarcely hear the roar of the rain pounding on the roof above them. His legs are shaky and already getting itchy from his wet clothes clinging to them.

Kagiura looks like he’s barely breaking a sweat, leaning against the wood and watching him with an amused sparkle in his eyes.

“You look like a drowned cat,” he supplies helpfully, laughing and shielding himself with his arms when Hirano shakes his hair in his face.

“Very helpful, thank you,” Hirano mutters. “Not all of us have unlimited energy. I can’t believe you can run like that after playing basketball all day.”

“I could carry you,” Kagiura offers, a mischievous curl to his mouth Hirano is unfortunately very fond of. “If I’m wet and you’re wet, wouldn’t it cancel out? And turn us into one, dry person?”

“You get hit in the head with a basketball or something?” Hirano asks wryly. “I think you already know the answer to that question.”

“I asked two questions, actually.” Kagiura points out, looking far too proud of himself for saying something so dumb. “Anyway, it makes sense, doesn’t it? Like, mathematically.”

“I’m beginning to understand why you ranked so low before I made you study.” The pleading look on Kagiura’s face is almost enough to make him grin. “You big dummy.”

“You didn’t answer me,” Kagiura whines. “What if I wanna know what you think?”

“And I’m not going to, because you’re just trying to get a rise out of me when I’m already tired and wet.”

“My offer to carry you still stands,” Kagiura sing-songs, because he’s insufferable and an idiot. “And I can’t help it, Hirano-san. You’re really cute when you’re grumpy.”

“Shut up,” Hirano snaps. “Like hell you could carry me.” He takes a step back at the competitive glint that materializes in Kagiura’s eyes. “That isn’t an invitation, you damn brat!”

Kagiura steps closer, the goofy smile on his face getting even bigger. “You think I couldn’t carry you?”

“Of course you could carry me,” Hirano says. “I don’t know what I was talking about. The rain must have gotten inside my ears and leaked into my brain.”

“You’re such a bad liar!” Kagiura stands in front of him with possibly his biggest pout to date. “Hirano-san, you’re breaking my heart!”

“I believe you, jeez,” Hirano says, avoiding his eyes. “I really do, alright? Quit looking at me like that!”

“You should let me prove it,” Kagiura insists. “I could count it for my ten seconds!”

“That’s how you wanna use your ten seconds? Carrying me in the rain? That sounds like torture, Kagi-kun.”

“C’mon,” Kagiura gives Hirano’s drenched shirt a little tug. Hirano wrinkles his nose at the wet sopping sound it makes. “Lemme show you how cool and strong I am.”

“I already know how strong you are, Kagi-kun. Absolutely not.”

Kagiura blinks at him and then frowns, his cheeks puffing out. “You forgot to say cool.”

The corner of Hirano’s mouth twitches up on one side.

“I know how strong you are, Kagi-kun,” Hirano says again, unable to resist cracking up when Kagiura pulls more insistently at his shirt with a plaintive sound. “Quit that, you’re gonna stretch it out!”

“Ten seconds! C’mon!”

Hirano slaps his hands when Kagiura tries to grab at him, a sharp peal of laughter bursting past his lips. “Fuck off, no way!”

They grapple against the building until Kagiura has one arm secured under his knees and is poorly attempting to lift him up, the pair of them giggling like maniacs. He’s soaked and disgusting and Kagiura isn’t making the situation any better. It should be miserable, but Hirano is having the most fun he’s had since the start of summer break. He slides Hirano’s back clumsily up the wood, digging his feet into the grass for balance and shouting in victory when Hirano instinctively throws his arms around his neck so he doesn’t fall.

Kagiura stares at his face, his smile fading into a thoughtful looking frown. Hirano pinches gently at the back of his neck, a little unnerved by how intensely Kagiura is watching him.

He can’t help but get defensive, his hackles instinctively going up. “What?”

“Nothing,” Kagiura says quickly, shaking his head. He’s such a bad liar, it’s actually sort of pathetic. Hirano gives him a flat, disbelieving look, and Kagiura sighs defeatedly. “You just—um.” Color floods into both of his cheeks. Hirano watches a bead of rain drip slowly down his jaw. “You have really long eyelashes. They’re pretty.”

“Oh,” Hirano mutters. He doesn’t know how to respond sometimes, when Kagiura says sappy stuff like that. It feels even more mortifying when he’s being sincere and not just teasing him. No one has ever complimented his eyelashes before, except for maybe his mother. “Well… Thanks, Kagi-kun.”

“Yeah,” Kagiura says, sounding winded. His gaze travels lower, lingering on Hirano’s lips for a couple seconds before darting guiltily back to his eyes. He looks immediately contrite, even though he didn’t do anything wrong. Hirano might not want to kiss him, but he also doesn’t want Kagiura to be ashamed of how he feels.

“Hey,” Hirano says gently. He gives the back of his head a reassuring pat. “Kagi-kun, hey, it’s okay.”

“Sorry,” Kagiura mutters. He clears his throat, so he can speak a little louder. “Sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Hirano says. He stares at the forlorn look in Kagiura’s eyes and sighs, tightening his arms around his neck. “The only thing bothering me is how much this is clearly bothering you.”

“I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Kagiura mumbles. “I don’t expect anything, I swear.”

“I know that, and I’m not uncomfortable.” Hirano ignores how awkward it feels to be pressed against a building with water dripping down his clothes and tries desperately to think of a good way to distract Kagiura from his self-inflicted turmoil. He eyeballs the slight tremoring of his arms and says, “You look uncomfortable, though. You sure you’re strong enough not to drop me?”

A surprised sounding giggle scrapes from Kagiura’s throat, the distress on his face thankfully clearing up almost instantly. He hoists Hirano up determinedly higher, the glimmer in his eyes from before returning in full force when he yelps and clutches harder at Kagiura’s shoulders. He lets out a long string of expletives that only makes Kagiura laugh louder while he carries him with still-shaking arms a foot away from the building and back into the rain.

“You’re obnoxious,” Hirano shouts. “It’s been more than ten seconds, you little shit! Put me down!”

“Okay,” Kagiura agrees cheerfully. He proceeds to let go of Hirano right over a puddle flooding a giant patch of grass with mud.

Hirano sinks his nails punishingly into his neck. “I hate you, not here! Fuck!”

Kagiura waddles over to the sidewalk and deposits him obediently onto the concrete, grabbing Hirano’s hands when he starts hitting him again.

“Look, we’re holding hands,” Kagiura says, squeezing their palms together. “Awwwww.”

Hirano rips his hands free and shoves them inside the pockets of his sweatshirt, completely useless and drenched. He’s really glad he put his phone in his bag and not in any of his clothes. “You’re way too happy for someone caught in the rain.” He glares at Kagiura’s neck and adds, “And I hope your freakishly giant tonsils give you a cold.”

“That’s so mean!” Kagiura laughs, knocking his shoulder against his while they make their way back towards the hotel. They don’t bother running this time, since they’re already soaking anyway. Hirano hates the feeling of wet fabric sticking to his body; as soon as he gets home, he’s taking a hot shower, putting on lotion, and sleeping for 12 hours straight.

By the time they make it back to Kagiura’s hotel, they’re both shivering where they’re huddled up inside the elevator.

“Do you wanna borrow some clothes before you take the train home, Hirano-san? I feel like it’ll be ages before yours dry, and I packed extra.”

Wearing clothes that aren’t sopping wet sounds like absolute bliss. “That would be awesome, Kagi-kun. Thanks.”

Kagiura gives him a plain white t-shirt and sweatpants Hirano has to roll up at the ankles, because he’s unreasonably tall and Hirano is a regular, normal sized person. His clothes are soft and warm and smell like Kagiura’s laundry detergent. It makes him feel kind of sleepy; if he wasn’t so disgusting, he might forego his shower altogether tonight and just go right to sleep.

He’s thankfully able to retrieve an umbrella from the hotel’s receptionist. Kagiura walks him all the way back to the train station, barely breathing a word the entire 15 minutes it takes them. When it’s almost time to say goodbye, he looks near tears; Hirano rolls his eyes and drags him between two vacant vending machines where no one else can see them.

“We’re gonna live together again as soon as break is over,” Hirano reminds him, firm but gentle. “So cheer up already. I’ll text you as soon as I get home.”

“Okay,” Kagiura mumbles. “I know, sorry. I just hate saying bye to you.” He gives Hirano a wobbly smile, genuinely doing his best to try and perk up. He’s always worn his heart completely on his sleeve, so it’s obvious that he’s struggling. He’s so sweet, Hirano briefly considers offering to stay the night, just so he doesn’t have to see that sad look on his face. If Kagiura was rooming alone, he might be more inclined. Sharing a bed with his secret boyfriend while another person is there feels terribly risky, and Kagiura unfortunately doesn’t have an inconspicuous bone in his body. It’s charming, but inconvenient at times like this. “Thank you for coming to my first game, Hirano-san. It, um.” He ducks his head, tightening his hand around the strap of his bag. “It means a lot to me.”

Hirano can’t give him another night, or kiss him goodbye like an ordinary couple might, but—

He double checks their surroundings for any loiterers he may have missed, and then leans forward to throw his arms around Kagiura’s shoulders to tug him in for a firm and squeezing hug. He’s so warm and solid beneath Hirano’s fingertips, it’s easy to forget that they’re in public and just sink against the broad curve of his chest. He smells clean and soapy with an underlying woodsy fragrance, noticeable without being obnoxious or overpowering. It’s such a nice and relaxing scent, Hirano wants to bottle it up and take it with him so he can spray it on his pillows to help him fall asleep easier.

Kagiura makes a shocked little sound and then hugs him tightly back, curling his fingers into Hirano’s shirt like he doesn’t want to let him go. He noses against the top of Hirano’s head and inhales softly, flattening his palms on the center of his back and bleeding heat everywhere he touches him. They’ve hugged enough times for Hirano to feel comfortable being held so intimately, but they almost never risk doing it where someone else might see after the notorious disaster with Ichinose.

“It’s been more than ten seconds,” Hirano reminds him gently. He generously refrains from reminding Kagiura how long he touched him earlier while they were roughhousing in the rain. “I gotta get ready to leave, Kagi-kun.”

“Okay,” Kagiura murmurs, giving him one last squeeze. “Okay, Hirano-san.” He pulls back to give him a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Thank you again for coming to my game. I think the team played extra well with you there to cheer us on.”

Hirano’s first instinct is to recoil being on the receiving end of so much flattery. But it’s coming from Kagiura, which means it’s genuine.

It’d be wrong not to pay that kindness back in full.

He tracks the small downturn of Kagiura’s lips and swallows. Hirano can’t kiss him, but he can respond to that rare, divine honesty he’s always loved so much. He forces down the itchy, anxious feeling buzzing beneath his skin. “I wouldn’t miss it, Kagi-kun,” he says, keeping his voice low and soothing-soft. “I’m—I’m glad I came. You played well. I’m, um.” He licks his lips, thrusting his hands inside his pockets to fidget with the cotton lining its interior. “I’m always inspired and impressed by you. So.” His throat makes a clicking sound when he clears it, so loud the tips of his ears singe red with embarrassment. “Thank you for letting me watch you play. I’ll be sure to cheer you on in the future, when you’re a big star on my TV.”

Kagiura reaches out like he’s gonna touch Hirano’s face, but stops himself millimeters before making contact, his hand falling loosely to his side. His eyes are blazing and intense, and Hirano feels frozen in place.

“Hirano-san,” Kagiura murmurs, the cadence of his voice soft in contrast to the piercing look on his face. “I…” He bites his bottom lip, his eyes deep and dark and searching. They’re enigmatic and beautiful and Hirano can’t look away from the raw emotion swimming in their depths. “Thank you.”

Hirano doesn’t know what to do with… Whatever the hell just transpired between them. The bubble has to pop eventually, so he puts a pin in it himself and wipes his sweat-sticky palms on his (Kagiura’s) pants to head towards his station. They walk wordlessly side-by-side, the tips of their pinkies brushing with every step.

His eyes linger on a couple kissing each other before parting ways as he boards the train. Was the hug he gave Kagiura couple-y enough? Should he have just sucked it up and kissed him, readiness be damned?

Would it make Kagiura happier?

He touches his fingertips to his lips, and wonders what the hell he’s missing.

3.

Kagiura invites Hirano to the countryside a week before they’re due back for the semester. He accepts, of course, because last year had been an absolute blast and he’s missed seeing Kagiura’s face every day since they’ve been separated for most of the summer.

He wonders if he’ll end up in this house every August. It’s only his second time, but it’d be nice cultivate this into something of a tradition. It’s a lovely thought, albeit a naïve one; Hirano would like to think that even if they don’t stay together romantically, they’ll always hold space for each other in some way. Hirano can’t make sense of a life without Kagiura in it and hopes that he never has to. Their lives are so intertwined, even the idea of unraveling their corresponding threads from one another makes Hirano’s stomach twist up into harrowing knots.

Kagiura occupies at least 50% of his thoughts on a normal day, the other 50% reserved for studying, disciplinary committee tasks, and keeping himself alive. On a day where he’s not so focused on his academics, Hirano can grudgingly admit Kagiura takes residence in his brain roughly 85% of the time. It’s probably obsessive and unhealthy, but he’s beginning to think Kagiura might be the most precious part of his life.

He’s never had someone care for him the way that Kagiura does. He’s never had someone see him the way that Kagiura does—the good and the bad and all the messy, complicated stuff in between—and not only see him, but want him. He feels like he’s being looked at from under a microscope whenever he’s around Kagiura, because he has such a deep-seated understanding of his wants and needs even before Hirano does.

Being roommates is deeply intimate, because there’s far less opportunity to hide his most unpalatable parts: Like when he’s really stressed or overtired, he becomes prickly as a thorny stem on a rose. Or how mean he can get when things don’t go exactly as he planned. How rigid he is about his routine. How much he struggles to admit when he’s wrong, no matter the person or subject matter. His inability to pick up on social cues. The way he struggles to express himself. The way he often treats everyone and everything as a problem to solve.

Kagiura knows all of these things about him and not only wants Hirano, but loves him. Like, actually loves him. How is he meant to think about anything else? Wouldn’t anybody be obsessed, if they were Hirano? Kagiura is just so wonderful—the truest friend Hirano has ever known—and has fundamentally changed the way Hirano views himself and the world around him for the better.

Because if someone as lovely, and kind, and passionate, and earnest as Kagiura can love Hirano for all that he is, logic dictates he must also have positive qualities worth loving. That he’s more good than bad. That Hirano is valuable, even when he’s not performing at capacity.

They’re sitting on top of a rickety old shed Kagiura’s grandparents use to store gardening tools and bags of harvested rice. According to Kagiura, the roof has the most optimal view of the meteor shower that was projected for tonight. Hirano questions the durability of the wood every time the planks creek beneath their shifting weight, but Kagiura insists that it’s safe.

“We could have just sat in the grass with a blanket or something,” Hirano grumbles. “This is a hazard waiting to happen. If I fall through the roof and spear myself on a rake, I’m gonna haunt you and then kick your ass.”

“I used to do this all the time,” Kagiura insists. “With all four of my siblings, so just the two of us will definitely be fine.” He yawns and scratches at an itchy spot on his cheek. “Besides, there’s probably ticks hiding in that grass.”

Hirano slides him an unimpressed look. “And bug spray isn’t an option?”

“Shh,” Kagiura says. “It’s cinematic, Hirano-san! Now quit your bellyaching and enjoy the view.”

Hirano has to admit that the view is really nice, even without any meteors. The sky is clear and devoid of any light pollution, and sitting on the roof makes it easier to see past the curtain of leaves on the trees.

The stars are significantly brighter here. There are so many of them clustered together that Hirano can’t pinpoint any specific constellations. He scans the sky for any sign of movement or change indicative of the celestial event Kagiura was excitedly boasting about, but finds nothing.

He’s never seen a meteor shower before. Hirano is used to living in a city, so opportunities for stuff like this are limited. Maybe meteor showers are more subtle? It seems unlikely; rocks burning up in the atmosphere and shooting across the sky seem pretty hard to miss, even with the substantial number of visible stars.

“Have you actually seen a meteor shower before, Kagi-kun?”

“Loads of times,” Kagiura answers, sounding pleased by the question. When Hirano looks at him, his eyes are narrowed and scanning the night sky attentively for any signs of activity. “They happen more often than you’d think. But the one tonight is supposed to be stronger, and with more meteors!”

Fondness bubbles up inside Hirano’s chest. Kagiura is just so heartwarmingly excitable, it’s almost contagious. It makes him feel like he’s about to experience something magical and life-altering, even though they’re really just looking for fallen debris in the sky. He glances at Kagiura’s hand resting centimeters away from his and feels his fingers twitch infinitesimally closer. Hirano wants to touch him, but he also doesn’t want to distract Kagiura or fluster him. Now that he’s aware of how close he is, it feels like there’s a palpable tension fizzling between them.

Kagiura looks so focused on the sky, Hirano is pretty sure the tense feeling is one-sided. He wants to stop measuring the distance between their bodies and just pay attention, but it feels impossible.

He swears he can feel the warmth emanating from Kagiura’s hand without even touching it. He clenches and unclenches his fist, like that will somehow fix the relentless jittering feeling in his fingertips.

It doesn’t fix it, but Hirano knows what will.

He forces his eyes back towards the sky, and then reaches out to graze his pinky against Kagiura’s, just barely touching. He keeps his face carefully neutral, in case Kagiura looks at him.

It’s hard to tell how Kagiura is feeling, because he doesn’t say or do anything and Hirano can’t look at him. He breathes out silently through his nose, and then slowly inches his hand higher, so his palm overlaps Kagiura’s knuckles.

Kagiura’s fingers jump beneath his touch. His exhale cuts loudly through the silence, trembling and raw. He doesn’t say anything, like he’s afraid Hirano will take it back if he does.

Hirano doesn’t know why this particular moment feels so significant. They’ve held hands plenty of times, but something about this carries more weight than it usually does. Like they’re crossing some invisible boundary they can never come back from.

He counts to three in his head, and then gently pries Kagiura’s fingers apart to make room for his. An infuriating heat rises to his face; he’s suddenly very grateful to the dark of the night for hiding his blush.

“Um,” Kagiura says, his voice crackling with audible nerves. “We already used our ten seconds, didn’t we?”

Hirano was really hoping Kagiura wouldn’t point that out. It’s part of the reason doing this feels so groundbreaking in the first place.

“We did,” Hirano responds, after a stilted beat. “I can stop.” His heart drums an anxious, quivering tempo. “If you want.”

Kagiura’s hand flexes beneath Hirano’s. Then, he untangles their fingers so he can flip his palm up and curl them back together again. He squeezes their joined hands and says, “Of course I don’t want that, Hirano-san.”

He says it like it’s obvious. Like there’s no room for any doubt. And maybe it sort of is—Kagiura did tell Hirano he wanted to touch him all the time. He complains about wanting more time to touch Hirano almost every single day, with today being no exception.

Hirano thinks he’s starting to get it. The more they do this, the more comforting and natural it feels. He likes holding hands with Kagiura, even if it doesn’t usually make his heart race. He likes the warm closeness, and that new thing Kagiura does where he rubs his thumb in circles across Hirano’s knuckles. He does it with a lovely cautiousness, as if he’s worried that his touch so innocent would be enough to cause Hirano alarm.

Hirano likes how shy Kagiura can be about how he expresses intimacy, because it really just means that he’s seriously thinking of him. He’s respectful and understanding to all of Hirano’s boundaries, and genuinely wants to meet him where he’s comfortable.

It makes Hirano want to do crazy things, like touch Kagiura for more than the ten seconds they agreed upon.

Hirano figures since there’s no formal contract, there’s technically nothing to have breached.

He looks at the stars winking in the sky and feels the beat of his heart finally start to slow down. Even though Hirano wants his and Kagiura’s feelings to overlap more, it’s a little unnerving to actually watch his boundaries shift and grow. He stares at their linked fingers and wonders when this kind of touch became something he sought after, rather than just another thing for him to humor.

“Hey, Hirano-san?”

The shake in his voice puts Hirano on alert. Without tearing his eyes away from the sky, he responds, “What’s up, Kagi-kun?”

“Can I sit closer to you, maybe? I’m not—I’m not gonna do anything, I just. Want to be near you. If that’s okay. But, um, you’re already being nice and holding my hand, so I totally get it if you don’t want to? I just—”

“Kagi-kun,” Hirano interrupts him, amused and flattered at how nervous Kagiura is just because of him. If Hirano had just a little bit more patience, it might have been fun to see how long he would have babbled for. “Just get over here. And—I’m not holding your hand to be nice to you. I’m doing it because I want to.”

“Okay,” Kagiura says, sounding short of breath. He scoots himself a few inches sideways until their arms and thighs brush together. Then, he smooshes his cheek into the curve of Hirano’s shoulder, a burst of air whooshing from his mouth. “Is this alright?”

Hirano feels that delightful warmth he’s come to love so much everywhere they’re pressed together. He sighs and tilts his head gently against Kagiura’s, the same way he has several times before this one. Except now, there’s no looming threat of time. It’s nice, because then they can focus on other things besides the way they’re touching. It makes Hirano feel way less self-conscious.

“It’s alright,” Hirano confirms, smiling when Kagiura nuzzles his cheek happily against his shoulder. He gets a whiff of his hair, still smoky from sitting by the bonfire they had earlier with all of Kagiura’s cousins. His hand is starting to feel cramped and clammy, but Hirano finds he mostly doesn’t mind it. Not when he can feel the bliss reverberating from Kagiura, like the purr of a spoiled cat.

“Thank you,” Kagiura murmurs. Then softer, “I love you, Hirano-san.”

Hirano’s breath hitches. He tightens his hand around Kagiura’s and searches desperately for a way to say it back without actually saying it. He turns his face slightly so his lips brush against the top of Kagiura’s head. He says, “I know you do”, like it’s an apology.

Not for the first time, Hirano wishes he wasn’t so blundering and awkward. He wishes he could say it back as fiercely as he feels it, because he does love Kagiura. Even if it’s not always expressed so conventionally, Hirano can put a meaning to all the complicated feelings he has surrounding Kagiura at this point. If he couldn’t, they wouldn’t be dating. In a relationship. Whatever the fuck the correct label is.

Thinking about touching anybody else the way he touches Kagiura gives him hives. The idea of Kagiura touching anybody else in turn instantly makes Hirano feel intensely irritated and jealous. Taking care of anybody else the way he takes care of Kagiura sounds tedious and exhausting. Imagining spending his life with some faceless person that’s not Kagiura sounds overwhelming and annoying.

So maybe he doesn’t sit there fantasizing about kissing Kagiura, or spend all his time mooning over the handsomeness of his face. Maybe he doesn’t do any of the nausea-inducing things Sasaki is always doing with Miyano so shamelessly. Maybe Hirano isn’t normal—whatever normal even means—

But Kagiura is the person Hirano wants to spend all his time with. He’s the person he wants to pour all his energy into just to make him happy. He’s the person he wants to see at the end of his day, good or bad or boring. Kagiura is the only person he’s ever wanted to make space in his life for, even if it means making uncomfortable adjustments.

He knows more than anything that he wants to see Kagiura’s unwavering passion from up close. He knows he wants to always be on the receiving end to that blaze in his eyes, the same kind he gets when he’s putting his all into something.

“I’m glad, Kagi-kun,” he adds, late and fumbling. His voice stutters, but he hopes Kagiura knows his conviction is solid. “It makes me happy to hear, I mean.”

Kagiura wordlessly snuggles closer, the pad of his thumb traversing across his knuckles with a little bit more confidence. He’s looking at the sky, and Hirano wonders if he was even conscious of the fact that he did that.

They don’t see a single meteor that night, but Hirano makes a wish anyway.

He doesn’t believe in flowery things like fate or soulmates or even a higher power, but he prays he gets to keep Kagiura this close for the rest of his life.

4.

It’s Halloween weekend, and Kagiura is staying over at Hirano’s house for a sleepover. It’s past midnight, and they’re sitting a few feet apart on the couch watching a horror movie while his parents are asleep.

Well, Hirano is watching a horror movie, at least. Kagiura has been shielding his face with his hands since the opening credits, and it’s already fifteen minutes in. He occasionally peeks through a window between two of his fingers to gauge what’s going on before he goes right back into hiding.

There’s not even anything remotely scary happening yet. Hirano sighs and reaches for the remote so he can pause the movie.

“We don’t have to watch this,” Hirano tells him. “You know that, right? This was your idea, Kagi-kun.”

“I am watching,” Kagiura says stubbornly. “It’s fine.”

It’s just another cliché slasher film, predictable and camp and not at all worth the dramatic reactions Kagiura is giving it right now. There’s a scene where one of the side characters is running through the woods and trips over a log, before getting brutally bludgeoned with an axe by a hulking guy in a mask. Kagiura makes a terrified squeaking sound and covers up his eyes; Hirano looks away from the massacre on screen long enough to give him a teasing grin.

“You holding up okay?”

“Yes,” Kagiura says, endearingly glum. “I just think it’s gross. I’m not scared.”

“Sure,” Hirano says. He reaches out to give a comforting pat to Kagiura’s bicep. “Whatever you say, Kagi-kun.”

The lead girl and the rest of her friends lock themselves in some worn-down cabin conveniently located in the middle of the woods. Kagiura grabs Hirano’s hand when the killer busts through a window and murders the couple that stupidly decided to have sex in one of the bedrooms.

“They kind of had it coming,” Hirano says, not sympathetic. Why the hell would you have sex when your friend just died and some freak is out there trying to kill you? It doesn’t make any sense. He’s kind of relieved they got killed, so he doesn’t have to awkwardly watch people suck on each other’s faces anymore.

He winces at how hard Kagiura is holding his hand as the movie progresses, his knuckles turning white from the pressure of his fingernails biting into Hirano’s skin. “Hey, I don’t care if you hold my hand, but ease up.”

“Sorry,” Kagiura mumbles. He shifts closer, pressing his cheek onto Hirano’s shoulder and pouting. “I think I’m a tiny bit freaked.”

“No kidding,” Hirano responds dryly, laughing when Kagiura reaches out to kick at his foot.

“You’re supposed to hold me and reassure me,” Kagiura whines. “You jerk.”

“I am?” Hirano tucks an affectionate grin into his hair. “Says who?”

“You’re my boyfriend,” Kagiura says, keeping his voice low in case Hirano’s parents were to come out for some reason. “It’s your job, Hirano-san. It’s the law of relationships.”

One of the girls hides inside a closet, peeking at the killer through the cracks while he looks for her and her friends. When they make direct eye-contact through the door, Kagiura lets out a whimper and hides his face against Hirano’s neck.

“There there,” Hirano says tonelessly, patting him on the head with his unoccupied hand. “Don’t worry, she’ll definitely die soon.”

“That’s not comforting at all!!”

“So high maintenance,” Hirano teases him. He stops holding Kagiura’s hand so he can throw his arm accommodatingly around his shoulders instead. “Is this better?”

Kagiura nods into his neck, stiffening up when the girl gets yanked out of the closet by her hair. He grasps onto Hirano’s shirt with his fist; Hirano rolls his eyes and squeezes his arm.

“It’s just so mean,” Kagiura complains. “I don’t get it at all. Find something better to do. If you need to cut stuff, chop up wood or something.” He shudders when the killer impales her with a butcher knife. “Blech.”

“Kagi-kun, if that was the plot, it wouldn’t be a scary movie.” He tickles his fingers against Kagiura’s arm, his skin smooth and soft to the touch. “Another reminder that you’re the one who wanted to watch this.”

“It’s Halloween,” Kagiura mumbles. “Couples are supposed to watch scary movies together.”

Hirano’s hand stills, right above Kagiura’s elbow. “Oh yeah? Is this another one of your relationship laws, then?”

“Yes,” Kagiura says emphatically. He sounds so comically mulish, Hirano wants to annoy him just to hear his voice get whinier and more dramatic. “And it’s not my law, it’s the universe’s.”

Hirano lets out a doubtful hum. His chest seizes up with impotent affection. “I feel like you’re making stuff up.”

“I’m not,” Kagiura says, sounding grumpy. He flinches when a guy on screen gets his throat slashed trying to escape out the back door. “This is so sad. They just wanted to go on vacation…”

“They’re idiots, though,” Hirano says. It’s cute, that Kagiura is calling a tropey slasher film like this sad. “This definitely wouldn’t happen to me.”

“Idiots still deserve to live, don’t they?” Kagiura stares at the screen with eyes the size of golf balls. “Augh, Hirano-san, aren’t you at least a little scared?”

“Not really,” Hirano says. “I think the plot is predictable and unsuspenseful. The characters aren’t interesting, either, so I don’t really care what happens to them.”

“So cold,” Kagiura mutters. The lead girl escapes through a window in the back of the house with the help of her boyfriend. Together they sprint through the woods, until the killer materializes from thin air to throw a knife at her. The boyfriend of course heroically takes the blow and collapses into a thicket of leaves, presumably to bleed out with the knife lodged inside his chest. Kagiura gasps and snuggles deeper into Hirano’s neck. “She’s not even gonna get to say goodbye…”

He sounds so genuinely heartbroken, Hirano can’t help but want to dote on him. He moves his hand up Kagiura’s shoulders to pet his hair, using the blunt edges of his nails to scratch soothingly at his scalp. Kagiura makes a soft, surprised sound and then leans into the press of his fingers.

Hirano lets out a relieved breath he didn’t know he was holding. He’s so conscious of how he’s touching Kagiura—how long they’ve been touching for—that it distracts him from watching the movie. He feels like he’s doing something he’s not supposed to, even though they haven’t really abided by the ten second limit in months.

The girl gets cornered against a tree. Just when the killer is about to finish strangling her with his bare hands, the boyfriend miraculously shows up and drives the knife that was supposed to have killed him through the side of the killer’s head. He staggers backward with a furious gurgling sound, and then collapses on the ground with blood spilling out of his temples.

“Yaaaay,” Kagiura cheers quietly, from under his breath. Hirano personally thinks it’s lame, but finds Kagiura’s reactions charming anyway. He hides another grin in his hair, his heart clenching up with fondness.

The reunited couple kiss at the end, smiling and covered in blood and grime. Hirano goes stiff as a board, instantly stilling his fingers in Kagiura’s hair. The camera zooms in on them like what they’re doing isn’t obvious.

It’s not that he hates romance, or even minds seeing other people kiss. But with Kagiura cuddled up so closely to him, it’s like—

It’s like a glaring reminder of what Hirano isn’t willing to give. It makes all the fun of tonight spill like bath water down a drain. A certain hollowness takes him over that he can’t get away from. His lungs feel frozen, which really isn’t good because Kagiura is horrifyingly perceptive and he doesn’t want to make him feel bad when he didn’t do anything wrong.

When the credits roll, he still hasn’t moved. Hasn’t breathed. Hirano doesn’t know how to look at Kagiura right now. He’s terrified that if he does, he’s gonna stare at him like he wants to kiss him, and then Hirano will have to hurt his feelings, or disappoint him. It’s completely unfair, because he’s literally making all of this up inside his head.

“Hirano-san,” Kagiura calls gently. Hirano finally blows out a breath, labored and trembling. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Hirano rasps, licking his lips. He pulls back to look at Kagiura’s face, first at his warm brown eyes and then at his eyebrows knitted together in concern. He’s so sweet, Hirano wishes he could just get over himself and give him a kiss. “I’m just—I’m tired, since we don’t usually stay up this late.”

“Are you sure?” Kagiura pulls back so he can gently palm his forehead, a worried frown tugging his lips down. Hirano’s fingers itch with the urge to reach out and push them back up. “You just look kinda pale…”

Hirano shoves Kagiura off of him just enough so he can crawl in his lap and hug him around his neck and shoulders.

It takes a minute, but Kagiura tentatively hugs him back, slowly sliding his hands up the middle of Hirano’s spine.

“Hirano-san—”

“Shut up,” Hirano snaps. He winces at how aggressive he sounds, and lowers his voice into something softer. “Just… Shut up for a minute.” He presses his face against Kagiura’s throat, nosing against his rapidly hammering pulse and squeezing his eyes tightly shut.

“Okay,” Kagiura murmurs. He feels lips press to the top of his head, gentle and barely noticeable because of his hair.

I'm sorry I can't kiss you, Hirano thinks, clinging to Kagiura harder. I hope this can be enough. I could never do this with anybody else. I don't want you to look at anyone else other than me.

"I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else," Hirano blurts out, his voice rough and breaking with desperation. He hopes Kagiura understands, despite his lack of context.

Kagiura's hand stops moving, resting gently between his shoulder blades.

"I know that, Hirano-san," Kagiura responds softly. When Hirano doesn't say anything else, he uncertainly adds, "But that makes me really happy to hear!"

Hirano can't get his throat to work well enough to verbalize anything else that he's thinking. Kagiura goes back to silently rubbing his back; Hirano can tell without even looking at him that he's thinking about something.

Sure enough—

"Just so you know, um." Kagiura pulls his head back just enough so they can make eye-contact while he talks. "I wouldn't want to do this with anybody else, either."

Hirano stares at the pout of his lips and feels a tug in his chest. He exhales, and all his aching hurt weakens to a subtle twinge. He touches his mouth against Kagiura's forehead, so lightly he's not sure it can even be described as a kiss.

Kagiura shudders underneath him, his fingers curling into the back of Hirano's shirt.

"Thank you," he murmurs, his lips brushing against Kagiura's forehead. I love you so much. "I'm so grateful, Kagi-kun."

5.

They’re walking back to the dorms after a quick snack run to the nearest convenience store when Hirano feels the first flake. It evaporates the second it touches his nose, a brief and unexpected cold. He wrinkles it up, an automatic response to the sudden chill. He blinks, and the sky has miraculously shifted from black to a charcoal gray, the clouds reflecting illuminous light off the ground. Hirano stops in his tracks and stares at the snow through the glow of the streetlights, falling in thick and heavy chunks.

“It’s snowing,” Hirano says, for lack of anything better to say. He’s really glad he didn’t opt out on wearing gloves.

Kagiura stops beside him so closely their shoulders touch, only noticeable by the rustling sound from the fabric of their coats brushing together. A long beat passes, and then he says, completely lost for breath, “It is.”

Hirano steals a glance at his face and feels his heart trip all over itself. Kagiura is staring at the snow in wonderment, his brown eyes wide and twinkly with awe. His smile is subtle and small, but not any less arresting. He looks especially young like this, his expression betraying a childlike innocence Hirano wants to cradle gently between his palms and shield from the rest of the world.

He doesn’t realize how much he’s staring until Kagiura nudges him with his elbow, his cold-bitten cheeks darkening from more than just the frigidity of winter.

“Sorry,” Hirano mutters, jerking his head back to focus on the snow. Pinpricks of embarrassment crawl beneath his skin at being caught; he buries his red nose in the scratchy wool of his scarf to try and hide his face from Kagiura’s knowing look.

“I don’t mind if you stare, Hirano-san,” Kagiura drawls, infuriatingly smug. Hirano wishes it would snow faster, so he had a snowbank to shove him into. “I like it.”

“Would you just—” Hirano takes a breath and resolutely does not smile at Kagiura’s goofy snickering, because he’s being a brat and doesn’t deserve to be rewarded. He balls his gloved hands into tight fists and squeezes them. “Shut up.”

“Man, it’s really coming down,” Kagiura says, once his laughter ebbs. Hirano takes his extended olive branch and hums in agreement, grateful to be removed from the spotlight. Kagiura is good about knowing when to stop, his intent to tease but never to hurt. “It would be nice if classes got cancelled…”

Hirano rolls his eyes. “It literally just started snowing, and you’re already thinking about that?”

“You’re just too in love with your studies,” Kagiura mutters. “Everyone else is probably thinking it, too—ACK!” He yelps loudly when Hirano reaches out to yank his hat over his eyes, tripping over his own feet and careening backwards towards the sidewalk. Hirano tugs him upright by the lapels of his coat before he can fall too far, a sharp bark of laughter tripping past his lips.

“You almost killed me,” Kagiura whines, pushing his hat out of his eyes with his signature pout. The hair visible on his forehead is flattened, the edges curling into little wisps above his eyes. “What if I had fallen and cracked my skull open?”

“I could finally have my own room,” Hirano says after pretending to think about it, laughing harder when Kagiura makes an indignant sound and kicks gently at his shoe. “Where’s all that athletic coordination, huh?”

“You’re so rude, Hirano-san,” Kagiura complains. “You surprised me!”

Hirano watches a snowflake flutter atop one of Kagiura’s eyelashes and snorts, warm fondness taking root inside his chest. He reaches out with one hand to brush it away, frowning when Kagiura flinches and sucks in a sharp breath. He puts his hand slowly back to his side and ignores the expectant way Kagiura is looking at him, suddenly self-conscious of everywhere they were just touching.

It wasn’t meant to be anything but what it was: Hirano removing a snowflake from Kagiura’s eye. It’s instinctive by now to take care of him like this. It’s no different than all the times Hirano has eaten his green peppers, or cleaned food from his lips, or helped him study for his exams. They've arguably had a lot more intimate of touches, so Hirano doesn't know why he reacted so strongly to something so infinitesimal.

He hates the haunted look on Kagiura’s face, like he’s worried about being too much just by existing. Hirano wants all of their feelings to overlap so badly, instead of quietly hurting him all the time. Hirano loves Kagiura, even if the meaning behind his own actions don’t always register right away. The little ways he takes care of Kagiura are significant, because he wouldn’t do them for anybody else. He may not have touched him just now to be flirty or romantic, but it was still a genuine gesture of his affection. He absolutely loathes that Kagiura still doubts that, especially since they’re in a relationship.

“You really shouldn’t do things like that,” Kagiura murmurs finally, watching Hirano with half-lidded eyes.

Hirano blinks, his forehead wrinkling up in confusion. His stomach squirms unpleasantly thinking about having made Kagiura uncomfortable. “What?”

“I really wanted to kiss you just now,” Kagiura says, sounding apologetic. Like there’s anything wrong with wanting to kiss the person that you’re in love with. Like he hasn’t told Kagiura a million times by now that he shouldn’t feel guilty for his desire. Hirano must be making a face, because Kagiura sighs and takes a step back. “But I won’t, I promise.”

It’s frustrating, because Kagiura wanting to kiss him isn’t the reason Hirano is unhappy or apparently making a face. He’s annoyed with himself, because he doesn’t know how to make Kagiura understand how happy his feelings make him, or express himself like a typical boyfriend or lover might.

He hates that his body contradicts the way he thinks and feels. He likes that Kagiura wants to kiss him, but it still makes his body lock up to hear it. It makes him feel anxious and uneasy. He doesn't want to kiss him, but he likes that Kagiura loves him enough to want to do those things even if he doesn't understand.

Hirano desperately wishes he wanted to kiss him, if only to clear up the disconnect between them. He stares at Kagiura’s mouth and contemplates just doing it, to see if it changes his mind. Maybe it’ll awaken deeply repressed feelings he kept tightly sealed somewhere. Maybe one touch of their lips is all Hirano needs for everything to fall into place, like something out of a novel.

He thinks about how nothing he felt the one time Kagiura had kissed him and gets a sour taste in his mouth. Guilt sinks heavily inside his belly, like an embedded anchor inside a seabed. He wants to give Kagiura everything, so why can’t he just give him this? It would be so easy for Hirano to just close his eyes, lean in, and—

“Don’t,” Kagiura says sharply, as if privy to all of Hirano’s disorganized thoughts. He takes an uneven step back, his eyes glittering with the exact hurt Hirano was trying to avoid inflicting on him in the first place. “I didn’t say that so you would kiss me, Hirano-san. I’m really sorry if it came across that way. I would never—” He looks down at the ground, hunching in on himself as if to appear smaller. He scuffs his shoe on the concrete, loud in the quiet of the evening. “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want. I know you don’t want to kiss me.” His voice softens and cracks, like he’s ashamed of himself. “I’m sorry for even bringing it up.”

“I wasn’t going to,” Hirano rushes out. “I mean—I thought about it, but I promise I wasn’t going to.”

Kagiura sighs loudly and then scrubs his palm over his face. There’s a tense silence between them that makes Hirano’s skin feel all itchy and jittery. His face is hot with adrenaline, and all the layers he’s got on make it exponentially more oppressive. He doesn’t know how to fix this, or what words to say to make everything better. He wants to bring back the enchanted look in Kagiura’s eyes, like when he first noticed the falling snow.

He thought once they finally crossed that line and started officially dating everything would be better, but sometimes it feels like it’s had the opposite effect. Every time Hirano thinks they’re making progress, Kagiura retreats in on himself.

This is nothing like any of the other problems Hirano’s had in his life that he’s so used to solving. It’s much more substantial and painful, and for the first time he doesn’t know what to do or how to make things right. The forlorn look on Kagiura’s face feels like a bruise under his ribs, and every time his heart beats it creates this awful, grating pressure that makes his entire body ache.

"Let’s go home, Hirano-san,” Kagiura says quietly, a rueful looking smile on his face. “It’s really okay, I promise.”

Kagiura starts walking ahead of him before Hirano can even blink, let alone process what he said. He watches him leave and is immediately flooded with white-hot panic.

He doesn’t even look around to make sure they’re alone when he grabs Kagiura’s wrist. He grips it so tightly, he imagines his knuckles turning white inside his gloves.

“We could hold hands,” he blurts out, when Kagiura cranes his neck back to give him a perturbed look. “If you want to.”

“We’re in public,” Kagiura reminds him gently, scanning surreptitiously around them. He shakes Hirano’s hand off him, and the rejection weirdly stings. “It’s not that I mind, but let’s save it for the dorm, okay? I don’t want you to do something you regret just to make me feel better.”

Hirano hates how perceptive he is, sometimes. Kagiura has an intrinsic understanding of other people’s emotions Hirano is envious of. Kagiura understands his own feelings better than he does, most days. He curls his fingers into his palms and gives a brisk nod of his head, because Kagiura is of course right on the mark. The idea of anyone seeing them touching in a way that can be perceived as anything more than friendly makes his anxiety spike like crazy.

He speeds up so he can at least walk in step with Kagiura. They exchange a glance, and Hirano offers him a tentative smile. Kagiura returns it—albeit hesitantly—and not for the first time, Hirano thinks he would do anything to keep that happiness on his face.

+

Hirano is finishing packing the last of his stuff when a loud sniffling sound brings him pause. He steps away from his box of books and turns to find Kagiura hiding under the covers in bed.

“Kagi-kun?” Hirano asks tentatively, walking over and sitting at the edge of the mattress. He touches the lumpy shape of Kagiura through the blanket and wraps his fingers around what feels like his knee. Kagiura squirms away from his touch and mumbles something Hirano can’t discern. Exasperated, he says, “Kagi-kun, I know you’re awake. It’s only 7:30.”

“I’m not,” Kagiura says stubbornly from underneath the blanket. His voice is thick and wet with tears, and Hirano’s heart sinks to the pit of his stomach.

“I’m taking the blanket off,” he announces. “Consider yourself warned.” When Kagiura still doesn’t budge Hirano glares at him, as if he can feel the weight of Hirano’s disapproval through the material of the covers. “I’m not afraid to use force, Kagi-kun.”

“Ugh,” Kagiura whines. He tugs the blanket down to reveal the top half of his face, digging his fingernails stubbornly into the fabric covering his mouth. “You’re so aggressive, Hirano-san.”

Kagiura’s mouth is slanted down in Hirano’s favorite bell-shaped curve, but the red swollenness under his eyes makes everything a lot less cute.

“You’re crying,” Hirano points out dumbly, his voice softening after confirming what he was already suspicious of. He reaches out to comb his fingers through his hair, gently tucking a messy lock of it behind his ear. “Kagi-kun, what’s wrong?”

“I’m just gonna miss you so much,” Kagiura blubbers, his eyes flooding with more tears. He lowers the blanket to his chin. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without you here. I don’t wanna come home to anybody else but you.”

“Kagi-kun,” Hirano sighs, smoothing his hand to Kagiura’s cheek and brushing the moisture from his face with his fingertips. Seeing Kagiura cry like this never gets any easier, no matter how many times Hirano has comforted him when he’s gotten upset. “Hey, it’s gonna be okay. You’re my boyfriend, right? We’ll still see each other all the time.”

“I know,” Kagiura croaks, his face blotchy and pink from crying. For someone so handsome, he’s not a very glamorous crier. Hirano feels a frankly unreasonable amount of affection for him; he wants Kagiura and his giant crocodile tears and red, snotty nose for the rest of his life. It feels immature and impossible to expect such grand feelings to maintain, but Hirano has always been stubborn. Reality can pry Kagiura from Hirano’s mangled and dead hands. “I just love living with you so much. I already miss you, and you’re not even gone yet. It hurts so badly already, I can’t imagine what it’ll be like when you’re not here for real.”

The more Kagiura talks, the more dread Hirano feels twisting up his insides. He draws in a slow breath to keep himself together, and then leans over to cradle Kagiura’s sweet face between his palms before he can overthink it and feel self-conscious. His instinctive response is to put a lid on all this overflowing emotion and only acknowledge the parts he can fix, but he doesn’t want to do that with Kagiura.

Hirano looks at him and aches with love for him. He doesn’t know much about dating or romance outside of Kagiura, but he’s pretty sure talking about emotions is an important part of being in a relationship rather than just taking a pragmatic approach to everything. He finds he doesn’t mind it so much, if it’s Kagiura. Like everything else in the world, it’s much easier to talk with him about confusing, pesky things like his feelings. He offers him a small smile that’s hopefully comforting and then awkwardly drags the pad of his thumb over his cheek. “I’ll miss you too, but we’ll make it work. I’ll get better at texting, and we’ll call and see each other on weekends. I’ll only be a 45-minute train ride away, okay?”

“But the university dorm rooms have visitation restrictions,” Kagiura whines. “Which means I only get to see you during the day, or if we got a hotel room or something. And—and that’s fine, I’m just gonna miss waking up to you. Mornings with you are the most precious part of my day, Hirano-san. I don’t know what to do with myself knowing I don’t get to have them anymore.”

“Kagi-kun,” Hirano says, his voice cracking. He climbs further into the bed so he can crawl on top of him over the covers, an impulsive need to be closer. He clears his throat to get rid of the freshly formed lump in it before pressing their foreheads stubbornly together. His heart jumps uncomfortably at their proximity. “I’ll call you every morning.”

“Yes please,” Kagiura says breathlessly. “If it’s not too much.” More tears drip down Kagiura’s face, leaving shiny wet trails down his cheeks and chin. Some of his bangs stick to his face from the mix of tears and his snot. “Sorry, Hirano-san.”

“Of course it’s not too much,” Hirano says softly, frowning. This is a frequently spoken fear of Kagiura’s Hirano still can’t quite wrap his head around. He wonders what he did to ever give Kagiura the impression that he thinks his love or desires are too much. “I wouldn’t offer otherwise.” Hirano doesn’t mind reassuring him, but it’s a particularly frustrating concern he hasn’t figured out how to alleviate. He gently unsticks Kagiura’s hair from his face and affectionately pets his fingers through the tangles. “And what are you apologizing for, huh?”

“Crying and worrying you while you’re packing your things,” Kagiura answers, his voice rough. “I feel so needy.”

“I like knowing how you feel,” Hirano reminds him gently. “We’re—we’re dating. I want you to be needy with me, okay?” He brushes his pinky against Kagiura’s lower lashes, black and damp with moisture. “You can call me whenever you want to. If you’re alone and feeling bad like this, I want you to. No running away from me, or I’ll personally take the train here and kick your ass myself.”

Kagiura’s face crumples up, and a high-pitched thready noise whistles past his lips. He hides half his face into his pillow and squeezes his eyes closed as even more tears slide down his temple.

“Kagi-kun,” Hirano murmurs, a helpless feeling wriggling persistently inside his chest. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No,” Kagiura whimpers. “I just love you so much. I miss you and you’re not even gone yet and it hurts so much. I’m worried you’re gonna meet a bunch of amazing people at university and you won’t need me anymore.”

Hirano brushes his knuckles against the side of Kagiura’s wet face while he thinks about how to respond. His first immediate thought is that he doesn’t technically need anybody, except his parents for obvious financial reasons. He can not only take care of himself, but it’s a lifestyle preference. He’s been independent since he was young, as early as elementary school. Letting Kagiura do things for him is still a challenging adjustment, even if in the end it makes him feel really happy.

The second is that he probably will meet amazing people at university, but nobody who makes him feel this foreign tenderness he’s got reserved exclusively for Kagiura. It’s way too sappy a thought for Hirano to be able to put into words, but…

“I don’t need you,” Hirano says, wincing at the wounded expression that flits across Kagiura’s face. He smushes his cheeks in his hands in apology for how cold it comes across and rushes to provide additional context. “I mean—I mean I want you, Kagi-kun, is what I’m saying. Being by your side is a choice I am actively making, even if I don’t need to do it. My friendships are plenty fulfilling enough to satisfy my biological need to… I don’t know. Connect with others, I guess? But being with you—I wouldn’t seek that out in anybody else. You’re an outlier. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt lonely, until I met you. Um, because—when you’re not around, it really sucks, is what I’m trying to say.”

Kagiura’s eyes miraculously get even shinier and wetter, the exact opposite response Hirano was hoping for.

“Kagi-kun, fuck, I’m sorry—”

“Don’t be,” Kagiura interrupts, his voice raspy and crackling at the edges. “You’re just really sweet, and I love you so much. That was so kind of you to say, Hirano-san.”

Hirano is confident that Kagiura is the only person who thinks of him as sweet. He smears more of his tears away from Kagiura’s messy face, completely defenseless against the strength of his devotion. All of the tears Kagiura has shed tonight are for Hirano’s sake, and he doesn’t know how to give that the testimonial it deserves.

Hirano loves him so much, it hurts.

He wishes for the life of him that he could just say that. He stares at a tear stuck to the corner of Kagiura’s eye and hesitates, before leaning down and brushing his lips against it.

Kagiura freezes up, his breath hitching loudly inside his throat. He swallows audibly and says, his voice straining, “Um, Hirano-san?”

It tastes salty on his lips, but not unpleasant. Kagiura’s skin feels warm and supple against his mouth; he drags his thumb beneath the firm line of his jaw and presses a stiff kiss to a tear on the meat of one cheek.

“Um,” Kagiura squeaks, his face beet red. “H-Hirano-san, you don’t have to do that.”

“I don’t do anything I don’t want to,” Hirano mutters, catching another tear with his mouth on the round tip of Kagiura’s nose. It feels like his body is moving before his brain has time to catch up with it. He feels awkward and out of place comforting anybody this intimately, but it’s worth the discomfort for how reverently Kagiura watches him.

Hirano follows the path of a fresh tear rolling down Kagiura’s already damp lips and feels his heart pound loudly in his ears. He leans in so close the point of his nose digs into Kagiura’s cheek.

For the first time in Hirano’s young adult life, he kind of wants to kiss Kagiura. He feels like he should take advantage of this moment in case it doesn’t stick after the fog of emotion has lifted.

“Hirano-san,” Kagiura wheezes out. “You—you don’t have to—”

“You really don’t listen at all,” Hirano says, completely breathless. “You big dummy.”

Hirano leans in and kisses him, stilted and inelegant and far too firm to feel that good. It’s wet and sort of mushy from Kagiura’s tears, but overall not bad.

He lingers for a few seconds to see if the tectonic plates will shift, or whatever the hell people are always talking about after kissing the person they like.

To be honest, he doesn’t feel anything particularly special at all. It feels like what it is: Putting your mouth on someone else’s mouth. He doesn’t hate it though, which he considers somewhat of a win. This means he can stand to kiss Kagiura without being repulsed. He licks his lips and pulls a disgusted face at the wet feeling of tears that transferred to his mouth. Other than that, though, he really doesn’t mind it.

Hirano officially declares himself to be kiss neutral.

He opens his eyes and feels his heart stutter out an uneven couple beats, each one hitting like a punch. The world genuinely stops turning on its axis for a few seconds. Hirano has to hold his breath, lest he shatter the gravity of the moment.

Kagiura’s eyes are closed, his mouth slightly pursed like they’re still kissing. His lips are red and wet both from tears and the press of Hirano’s mouth. There’s a tiny scar on his forehead he never noticed before that Hirano immediately wants to ask him about. His cheeks are stained with so much color, he looks feverish. When his eyes finally start to open, Hirano is just—

Lost. Completely robbed of breath.

A spark flickers between the cage of his ribs.

Kagiura is looking at him like he just woke up from a deep sleep, his eyes glassy and half-lidded. He looks dazed, like Hirano did a lot more than give him a chaste and terse kiss. He blinks slowly, some of the haziness in his eyes clearing as he scans them curiously across Hirano’s face. His lips curve up into a tiny, confused looking smile, and then he blinks again and his entire face just. Lights up. He looks at Hirano with so much open adoration, Hirano can’t get his diaphragm to contract. It feels like all the air in the room got sucked out in one fell swoop.

He can’t stop looking at Kagiura’s eyes. They’re one of the first things Hirano was ever drawn to, long before he could put a name to the particular affection he feels for Kagiura. It’s not their size or their color or the length of his lashes, but the way they broadcast everything he’s feeling. All of the love and respect and admiration he has for Hirano is just. Right there, all on display. From this close, Hirano feels everything tenfold. They’re so intense, he’s pinned in place. Completely helpless to them, like he always has been.

He hopes their glow never dims. If kissing Kagiura will make them sparkle like this, Hirano would be content to kiss Kagiura as much as he wishes.

“Hirano-san,” Kagiura breathes out, that dreamy look on his face unyielding. “You—”

Hirano interrupts him with another quick peck, hungry for more of that syrupy sweet warmth in his eyes. He wants to drown himself in it, to wear it like a cloak. He’d do anything, to keep that lovely expression on his face. All Hirano’s. No other person gets Kagiura’s unflappable loyalty, or to feel the golden ferocity of his love.

“Hey,” Kagiura says, sounding flustered. He sits up so Hirano is awkwardly straddling his lap. The blanket between them makes Hirano feel somewhat less overwhelmed, so he stays where he is. “Hirano-san, could I maybe kiss you back, please?”

Hirano nods, already leaning in for more, his face flushing.

Kagiura takes the lead this time, kissing him with much more patient softness than when Hirano had kissed him. He reaches out with one hand to cradle Hirano’s chin gently with his fingers, his thumb working little circles into his tensed-up jaw. He presses parted lips to Hirano’s pursed ones and kisses him slow and sweet without any urgency; Hirano exhales shakily against his mouth, the lids of his eyes fluttering closed. It’s nice, but it doesn’t light him up inside like the infatuation Kagiura wears on his face does. If anything, Hirano feels annoyed, because Kagiura somehow kisses better than he does and they have the same amount of experience.

“Okay?” Kagiura pulls his mouth from Hirano’s just far enough to ask, his voice raspy-rough, like he swallowed glass. “Hirano-san?”

Hirano blinks his eyes open, feeling instantly sideways and off-balance from having Kagiura so damn close. His brain feels fuzzy, so it’s hard to take inventory of all his muddled-up feelings. Kagiura’s face looks blurry and unfocused but nevertheless striking. He stares stupidly at his spit-slicked mouth and says, “Huh?”

Kagiura breathes out a laugh and presses another kiss to the edge of his lips, smiley and clunky. “I asked if you were okay?”

“I’m not—I’m not a girl,” Hirano snaps, breaking the spell. It’s irritating how fragile Kagiura is treating him. “I’m fine, jeez.”

“I know you’re not a girl,” Kagiura responds patiently. He brushes his lips beneath one of Hirano’s eyes, like Hirano had done to him previously. “If you were, I probably wouldn’t be kissing you.”

“Y-you’ve literally had a girlfriend,” Hirano protests, grudgingly accepting all the affectionate kisses Kagiura starts pressing to his face and trying not to squirm.

“Had,” Kagiura points out, nuzzling the tips of their noses together. “Anyway, gender has nothing to do with what I asked. I love you and want you to be comfortable, that’s all.”

For once, Hirano doesn’t have a rebuttal. He looks at Kagiura’s tender expression and sighs, feeling guilty for being so grumpy when he was just being kind and thoughtful like he always is. He slides his hands tentatively around Kagiura’s neck to hug him around his shoulders, exhaling slowly to help smooth out the tension in his chest. “Sorry,” he mutters. “I just—I don’t know how to do this. I didn’t mean what I said. I’ve never…”

“I know,” Kagiura says gently. He kisses the spot between his eyebrows. “I know, Hirano-san. It’s okay.”

“I hope you know, um,” Hirano licks his lips, the I love you too he wants to say so badly held prisoner on his tongue. “I-I wouldn’t do this with anyone else, either. I wouldn’t ever want to.”

Kagiura cups his hand more securely around his jaw, the tip of his thumb grazing his bottom lip. His eyes flicker all over Hirano’s face, warm like molten sugar. “Hirano-san, can I kiss you again?”

“Yeah,” Hirano says. The spark in his chest ignites into an inferno, Kagiura’s blatant affection for him a kindling. He feels more than he hears Kagiura’s laugh, and he can’t help but smile, too. “Dummy.”

Kagiura presses his smiling lips to Hirano’s, open-mouthed and toothy and inelegant. Hirano makes an irritated sound and slants an eye open to glare at him, even though he thinks this might be his favorite kiss they’ve exchanged thus far.

“Sorry, sorry,” Kagiura says between giggly kisses. “You’re just too cute. I can’t believe this is happening. If all I had to do was cry to make you want to kiss me, I would have stubbed my toe into a wall or something.”

“You’re so annoying,” Hirano mutters. “I definitely wouldn’t have kissed you over a stubbed toe.”

Kagiura lilts forward to brush his lips tenderly to Hirano’s, a spine-tingling dragging kiss that admittedly feels good, especially when he cups the hand not on his face around Hirano’s hip and squeezes.

He still prefers to see Kagiura’s face, but it’s nice. Kagiura is very warm and comfortable for someone so built.

Hirano frowns, breaking the kiss so he can squint at Kagiura assessingly. It’s nice enough to warrant suspicion, especially since they’re both so inexperienced.

“Where did you learn to do that, huh?”

Kagiura knocks their foreheads together and smiles so hard his eyes crinkle into scrunched up crescents. He lets out a shocked laugh that echoes around the walls of their room; Hirano forces down a silly grin so he can interrogate Kagiura properly. “I’ve done a lot of daydreaming about exactly how I would kiss you, if you ever wanted me to,” he admits, breaking off into manic giggles at the disgusted face Hirano pulls. “You asked, don’t look at me like that!!”

“You smooth-talking brat,” Hirano seethes, smacking him on the shoulder. Kagiura just laughs again and grabs his hand to press his knuckles to his mouth, because he’s sappy and disgusting. Hirano is going to kill him and then take his eyeballs out of his skull so he can keep them forever. He voices this and cackles at the horrified look Kagiura gives him, smothering his laughter into the curve of Kagiura’s neck.

“You’re so scary, Hirano-san,” Kagiura says, curling his arms around the middle of Hirano’s back to fold him gently to his chest. “I’m in love with a serial killer.”

Hirano can’t say he loves him back like a normal person, so he says, “Nah, I’d only kill you.”

Kagiura tilts his head back to give Hirano a look so fond, all that gooey warmth shining in his eyes permeates directly into Hirano’s chest and holds his heart hostage.

No kiss in the world will ever hold a candle to being on the receiving end of so much incessant love. Kagiura’s eyes simply have too big shoes to fill.

He lets Kagiura kiss him one more time, grinning into it when Kagiura’s hands glide up his sides, featherlight but ticklish. Kagiura breaks the kiss to press their foreheads together, mirroring his grin.

Hirano loves that smile so much. He touches it with reverent fingertips, Kagiura’s breath warm on his skin.

Hirano thinks he can definitely handle kissing, as long as it’s Kagiura that he’s kissing.