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I’m at the park today, not that I necessarily want to be. Lately Anya has been saying that if I stay inside I’ll “get a vitamin D deficiency and DIE!”, which does not seem likely but even so I suppose that’s worrying. I asked if I could just spend more time by the window, and her response was that I should get to know nature… or in her words “At least touch some grass”.
The grass… staring at it too much makes me feel like a prey animal, as do the trees. Any minute someone will realize what I am and start shooting at me. Not that I couldn’t stop them, but it would cause a scene, and I don’t want that. In order to live peacefully, I can’t exist. It’s that simple really—
“Oomf—“ something small just hit my side. Particles spin around as I orient myself and look at the damage, my attacker…
A child. My response was unnecessary. A little girl with dark hair and curled braids looks up at me with giant dark eyes. She likely ran without seeing where she was going.
“Hello?” I ask, not nearly as calmly as I had hoped it to sound.
Though she doesn’t answer, another voice coming closer calls out “Masha! Apologize to the boy”
Turning around, it’s her mother. The same dark hair, but lighter grey eyes that widen the moment they see me. Her pace coming closer slows, as if she’s seeing something unbelievable.
“Sorry” the girl, Masha, sounds monotone, not particularly sorry at all and more said because she was told to.
I’ve been caught, I’m sure of it. I need to run and yet my feet are rooted to the ground beneath me. This woman… I don’t remember her from the lab, but she clearly recognizes me to some capacity. Who–
She’s walking closer, now determined by something. Looking down at me, with what’s either confusion or pity, maybe both? And asks “Pavel?”
Has she mistaken me for someone else? That seems likely. Though there’s something else that seems equally plausible. No matter the case, Pavel is not my name. “It’s Dmitry,”
“Oh, sorry” she pulls back, after having stared so hard at my face for so long she now directs all that attention to a nearby bush. It’s a weird looking bush, strange lumps are formed on the leaves.
“You should watch where you’re going, Dmitry” the little girl scolds me, as if I’m the reason this whole incident has happened. Rather than give an answer I just nod passively, hoping it’s enough.
Her mother is looking at me again, as if she wants to ask something. Many things, really. Probably a life story’s worth. But I can’t answer those, not here, not now… not ever. The more I think about how she knows me, the more clear the reason becomes, the more I know I can’t just stand here.
“Well, have a good day—” before I can walk away, I get cut off.
“I’m actually here to visit someone,” I squint, wondering what the hell is happening, what she’s about to say… “We’re from the countryside. It’s nice there, the air’s fresher and there’s more space. Less people. As long as you keep things hidden, no one could know.”
I can feel my spine stiffening. No. Don’t say that. Anything but that. Just scream ‘monster’ so I can run away back to Olga’s apartment. Why make things more complicated than they need to be?
“I don’t know you” it’s true, she’s just as much of a stranger as everyone else in this city. The biological connection is meaningless, or at the very least was made meaningless the moment she gave me away… I’d never have thought I would have the opportunity to make this decision, but it is the most logical. Just because she’s regretful now does not mean she’s incapable of sending me away again. As it stands, I’m better off with Olga and Anya. “Goodbye”
I’ve calmed down enough to move again, starting with slow steps. Not that it’s enough, when I need to get out of here as fast as possible. Soon enough it becomes a jog, a sprint, and then it slows back down to a walk when I really don’t have the stamina for what I’d like to do… People would notice if a kid ran the entire stretch back to an apartment block anyway. I’m far enough from her that it’s fine, I know she didn’t follow me.
Back inside, I slump down onto the mattress in a way Anya normally does. I can’t help but wonder if I made the right choice… I can say that I did, that no matter what the relationship I have with that woman is destroyed beyond repair. And yet…
She missed me. I had a name before ‘DT’… I could have had a little sister. Do I want a sibling? Anya says they’re like hell on earth, and Masha didn’t seem that nice… maybe that’s for the best?
It’s for the best. Because if it’s not and I’ve made a mistake, I’d never be able to live it down. I can easily come up with possibilities of things going wrong if I did leave this place. For one, Anya would be lonely. For another, wouldn’t it be weird for a woman to bring home a long lost son that no one knew about? It would be a matter of time before someone put together the puzzle pieces. What if she thinks I’m dangerous? Or we just don’t get along? What if we do get along, but Masha lives up to the sibling stories I hear from Anya? Too many thoughts swirl around, so I crawl under the blanket and bring the laptop over for any kind of distraction. Promising myself this is the last time I’ll ever think about this.