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He was cold. So cold. His thighs were wet and he could feel the blood rubbing on to his pants and back on to his thigh on a new spot. The tears had finally stopped falling, now he had to fix his face and fix himself. He pulled his pants off of his thighs and stood up with a deep breath. He pulled at his shirt and walked to his door slowly opening it and seeing no one in the hallway, he walked fastly to the bathroom. Once inside the bathroom he locked the door and slowly pulled down his pants looking down at his thighs. The same amount of cuts on each side, some thicker and overlapping some smaller like cat scratches or paper cuts. He sighed and grabbed a black wash cloth and wetted it before pumping some soap on to it and sitting down on the outside of the bathtub. He ran the cloth over his left thigh and bit his lower lip at the sting.
You did this to yourself Josh. You liked the sting when you saw the blood rising and you know you like the sting now. Just wipe it up and go back to banging on your drums instead of communicating to someone. We can do this again in a few weeks.
He ran the cloth over his right thigh and pulled up his pants, balling the cloth up in his hand and quickly exiting the bathroom and heading back to his room. When he opened his door he first looked over at his drums and saw the broken half of the drum stick that had been the final straw before his huge breakdown. He felt tears threaten to spill again and looked away, his eyes skimming over the figure in the window and over to his bed. Figure in his window? He quickly turned his head back towards his window and saw Tyler looking at him concernedly and fake knocking on the window. Josh quickly wiped his face, throwing the towel into his dirty laundry basket and walked over to the window to open it for his friend.
“Ty? What are you doing here?” Josh asked and helped the younger boy in.
“I got bored and mom and dad said that I could come hang out for a while,” Tyler ran his hand through his hair. “You look rough, are you alright?” Tyler asked and looked over at Josh’s drums, before looking back over at Josh.
Josh bit his lip harder than he had in the bathroom and the tears started to fall. He moved to cover his face but Tyler stopped him and wrapped him in a tight embrace.
So stupid Joshua. Tyler came over to hang out and have FUN with his friend and all you're going to do is cry and make him worry. What friend are you making this all about yourself?
“It’s okay Joshie, it’s okay,” Tyler rubbed Josh’s upper back. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Be selfish Joshua. Make Tyler worry even more about you like always.
“I’m sorry!” Josh hid his face in Tyler’s shoulder and continued to sob.
“What are you sorry for? You haven’t done anything Joshie, everything is okay.”
“You’re gonna be mad if I tell you and never talk to me again!” Josh tried to push further into Tyler and grabbed the back of his shirt.
“I don’t think there’s anything you could ever do that would make me never talk to you again Joshie. You’re my best friend in the whole world, all I want is for you to be happy. Why don’t we just lay on your bed okay?” Tyler rubbed Josh’s back and slowly pulled them towards Josh’s bed. Josh didn’t speak anymore, just followed Tyler towards his bed and let Tyler lay him on the bed and curl up with him. Tyler laid beside Josh and wrapped his arm around the older boy and pulled him closer. “It’s okay Joshie, everything is okay. You’re safe, no one is mad at you Joshie,” Tyler ran a hand through Josh’s hair and his other hand ran over Josh’s back.
Tyler kept telling Josh comforting things until the boy had stopped crying and was now only sniffling and taking shaky breaths. “There you go Joshie, you’re alright bud,” Tyler placed his hand on the back of Josh’s neck and kissed the top of Josh’s head. “Do you want to talk about it Joshie? I promise I won’t be mad at you.”
Josh bit his lip and took a second to think to himself before he spoke quietly. “I relapsed.”
Tyler almost didn’t hear Josh, but he did and he bit his tongue. Tyler didn’t know what to say, but the dark haired boy took the reaction as anger. “I’m sorry Ty! I didn’t mean to, I wasn't thinking and I just wanted to feel good and it felt so good and mm so sorry Ty! Please don’t go Ty!” Josh gripped Tyler’s shirt and hid his face in his collar bone.
“Oh Joshie, it’s okay. I’m sorry I made you worry and think’ I’m mad at you. I promise I’m not mad at you Joshie, I just didn’t know how to respond. It’s okay, you were alone and in a tough spot. Did you clean them?” Tyler ran his hand through Josh’s hair again. Josh nodded his head yes. “Good job Joshie, I’m so proud of you,” Tyler kissed the top of his head and he sobbed even harder. “It’s okay Joshie, you’re okay. Can you try and breathe for me bud?” Tyler rubbed Josh’s back slowly.
“S-sorry,”Josh apologized once he had calmed down and stopped crying.
“It’s okay Joshie, you have nothing to apologize for. I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner to help you,” Tyler kissed the top of his head again. “Remember that you are stronger than those mean thoughts. You can fight them and I know you can win against them. If you start to think about that try drumming the feeling or find me or Debby or Jenna okay? You’re not alone, and if you feel that you are, I'll try my hardest to make sure that one day you don’t.”
Josh looked up at Tyler and bit his bottom lip. “Thank you Ty, I love you. You’re the best friend ever.”
“I love you too Joshie, why don’t you take a nap?” Tyler smiled and kissed Josh’s forehead.