Work Text:
Sweat drips down skin like condensation off a fogged over pane of glass. The heat of the stage mingles with the strobing lights, continuous movement from the dancing crowd leaves the air sweltering. Moisture flies off the back of Caelus’ hand as he brings one drumstick down against a cymbal, his shoe squeaking against the floor as he lifts his foot from the pedal; the sound drowned out by the music, as the lights fade between various bright colors. Dan Heng’s fingers find their place on his fretboard. The bassist of Akivili’s Trailblazers holding an air of mystery that has everyone bearing witness rapt with intrigue, his demeanor collected even in the midst of the lively atmosphere.
“I have to get a video of this!” One woman calls out to her friends over the noise, pulling out her phone. Her friends can’t hear her, but everyone on the field shares her excitement. “I need the bathroom, but I refuse to miss anything!”
Their enthusiasm is only possible because of the voice pulling them all in. A certain pink-haired woman moving across the stage with boundless energy, engaging the crowd with bubbly eagerness–and killer vocals, she’d add–that leaves them all leaning in for more. Music festivals were always upbeat, but performers that could interact with the crowd like they were there to rock with them and not just for them always had even the people who’d been sitting on their blankets in the back letting loose.
Their set lasts for an hour and a half, the chirping of crickets finally audible by the time they get back to their bus. Some fans are still hanging around outside as they’re packing everything up. “Killer performance!” The fan holds out one of the posters the venue had been selling, beaming when March uncaps her hot pink sharpie to sign it.
Another fan asks Caelus, “Fire shoes. Where’d you get ‘em?” Caelus answers with a lopsided smile, “This fan offered them to me. Super generous, I know.” March elbows Dan Heng off to the side, eyes narrowed as she whispers loudly enough for Caelus to hear, “Yeah, right! More like he swiped them from a dumpster in that neighborhood with all the fancy houses.”
The drummer sputters, turning toward March. His lopsided smile breaks into a grin, “More like saved. Who throws out a pair of perfectly good sneakers anyway? They’re hardly even worn in!” He makes a show of bouncing the heel of one shoe off the pavement, before striking a pose as he points to them like a salesman trying to pitch a new product. Dan Heng’s expression is calm between the two of them as March reaches over him to flick Caelus’ forehead, the lead singer questioning at a higher pitch, “Ugh, cut it out. Did that shady man that works at Ms. Himeko’s company get in your head?” Caelus sticks out his tongue, before smiling as he whirls back around when a fan taps his shoulder. The stoic man beside them nods quietly as he accepts a fan’s CD from someone else, signing his full name in neat cursive along the inside cover.
A cough from behind draws the trio's attention, from where Welt adjusts his glasses with the tip of his finger, “I think it’s best everyone starts to turn in for the night. Take a moment to wrap up, Himeko is growing more on edge the longer she goes without seeing Pom-Pom.”
True to Welt’s attention to detail, the grip Himeko has on the steering wheel would be enough to fold the entire bus in half like an origami paper with enough continuous pressure. Dan Heng does a once over outside after everyone’s already seated, making sure nothing’s been forgotten, before shutting the door to the bus behind him. Welt clears his throat again from the front passenger seat, “Sunday is looking after Pom-Pom, I’m certain they’re both getting along just fine.”
The tension in Himeko’s hands ease, she sighs while her brows unfurrow, “You’re right, he’s a good kid. I’m sure Pom-Pom isn’t giving him any trouble.” She leans back, setting her phone aside. Light flashes when the screen briefly comes on, a picture of the Pomeranian flickering before the device shuts back off.
The fiery-haired woman focuses now on driving, turning the bus out of the lot. From the back, March calls out, “Mr. Yang! Can I pretty please give some input on the next lyrics? These latest ones are totally cramping my elegance!” The older man chuckles, turning his head from his seat to look where March is tuning her guitar in the back. His voice is calm, holding the same thoughtful lilt his tone usually holds, “The crowd is deeply invested in them, at the very least. As long as we’re trying out different venues, we need to play to our strengths. You can take it up with Himeko if you have any suggestions.”
Dan Heng is seated to March’s right, a small novel folded open in his lap with one corner tucked under his pinky and the opposite end his thumb. He sighs, glancing sideways at March before giving a gentle remark, “No doubt they’ll be colorful ones.”
The gray-haired drummer to Dan Heng’s own right grins, throwing his arm around the bassist’s shoulder as he pulls the man into his side, “Come on, Dan Heng. You’re telling me you don’t want to wear a tutu and sing magical girl songs at my little cousin’s birthday party?”
“I abstain,” he deadpans. March reaches over to pinch Dan Heng’s left cheek between her fingers, pulling on the skin like a doting grandmother, “You’re such a liar!” Caelus pinches their friend’s other cheek, the two stretching out Dan Heng’s face with affectionate grips, “Yeah, I see you helping Hook with her homework every time we go over there.” The black-haired man waves the two away, ducking back and holding his novel up to conceal his face from their torment, “I’ve never attempted to hide it. That has nothing to do with.. singing magical girl songs or wearing tutus.”
Just as Caelus ducks Dan Heng’s head down so March and he can rile up the other’s hair, Himeko calls out from the front with a softening intonation, “You three, always so full of life. What are we ever going to do with you?” Right when the woman finishes musing rhetorically to herself, the bus comes to a stop. Like always, the band parks at the bus lot. Their cars left in the connected regular lot for them to make it home on their own.
Everyone steps outside, the manager getting out her wallet, “The gig went better than I could’ve imagined. Of course, I’d expect nothing less from you crazy kids. Help yourselves to a meal tonight. On management’s dime, of course,” she winks. Gold eyes flicker with mischief as Caelus immediately steps forward to reach for the card, “Looks like my dinner is set, good luck you two.”
Dan Heng grasps the back of Caelus’ collar, effectively yanking the enthusiastic man back. His indignified expression pulls a snort from March. The most restrained of the trio accepts the company card from Himeko’s wallet with his free hand, stating wisely as he lets go of Caelus, “I think it’s best that I hold onto this.”
Himeko nods, trying to conceal the amusement in her expression, “Great, I trust you’ll return it to me safely, Dan Heng.”
March steps back, already headed for her car, “Raincheck for me, I already have a date with my camera! I should look over the footage from the event, so I can update the social media before I turn in. Enjoy my portion for the both of us, Caelus!” The pink-haired woman adds as she hops in her ice-blue buggy, “Night, Miss Manager! Night, Mr. Yang!” Welt nods unhurriedly, pulling out his keys, “Right, I’ll head out now as well. Excellent work today, everyone.” Himeko hums, pocketing her phone before getting out her keys. Her car beeps, the lights flashing in the distance as she presses the unlock button, “Looks like it’s just Caelus and Dan Heng then. I have to get home to relieve Sunday of Pom-Pom sitting.”
Now the two are left to themselves in the dimly-lit parking lot. Ever unserious, Caelus pouts, “I can be trusted with Himeko’s bank card.” The shorter man only huffs lightheartedly in response, taking a step back, “You’ll get to eat regardless of which of us is holding onto the card. Let’s head out before it gets too late.”
“Want me to drive then?” Caelus poses the hypothetical playfully as they make their way to Dan Heng’s second-hand van. Dan Heng huffs gently, “I think a licensed driver would leave us with better chances.”
Caelus gasps as if wounded, “I’ll have you know someone told me I have an excellent sense of direction the other day.” The other man pops open the trunk, resting his instrument in the back while subtly smirking, “At the very least, we wouldn’t need a map at the bottom of the ocean when you drive us off the bridge headed back into the city.”
Bantering with Caelus gave Dan Heng the sensation he was floating. That usually was a feeling followed with looser lips. The thought that he could say anything, and it didn’t have to hold some kind of greater meaning or exact intent. He could make a fool of himself, and the other would only laugh because it was coming from him. Anything playful coming from Dan Heng, to his companions, was apparently hilarious.
Caelus slugs his arm, but a bark of laughter pulls from his throat, “You’re right about that.”
The heat kicks on when they enter the car, Dan Heng fumbling with the vents to keep the car windows from fogging over. Buckled in already, Caelus tucks his chin toward his right shoulder and breathes on the corner of the window closest to him. He draws over the area with the tip of one finger, chuckling to himself at the grumpy face left behind on the glass. When he shifts his gaze toward the driver’s seat, Dan Heng’s already focused on the road ahead with a steely look in his eye. The passenger lets his head bounce back against the headrest while slumping back into the seat, looking out the window with a hum.
Warm yellow lighting creates a sheen of saturation over their faces at the diner they end up in. Skin glowing from the overhead lamp at the table between them. Caelus is hunched over the menu, his leg kicking before he lets it rest. The toe of his shoe pressed up against the side of Dan Heng’s boot. Neither needs long to look over the menu.
Dan Heng never eats anything too late at night. Greasy, protein filled food is, however, exactly what Caelus needs after a longer than usual day. Caelus kicks his feet again, now lightly bumping the heel of his sneaker against Dan Heng’s shin. The shorter man shoots him a look full of false admonition, to which Caelus responds with a toothy grin, “What did ya think of the gig today?”
The other considers his question seriously, taking a sip of his tea before quickly realizing it’s still too hot, “I don’t think we’re ever going to find a.. less lively venue, in this profession.” Caelus licks the ends of his fingers one by one, before swiping a napkin from the end of the table near the wall and wiping his hands. He shrugs, before musing, “Yeah, the earplugs don’t always do much.” He adds, remembering Dan Heng’s general aversion to lively settings, “If you looked down the whole time I bet no one would say anything.”
Then, he teases, “If anything the fans would probably eat it up. Adds to that whole mysterious thing you have going for you.” Dan Heng blinks at that, before leaning back with a respectable posture, his thumb running over the rim of his mug, “It wouldn’t be fair of me to let that get in the way of a performance. You and March already do so much to appeal to the audience.”
“Dude–” Caelus snorts, “At the gig before this one there were people betting in the hall over who could get your number.”
The gray-haired man leans back with more carelessness, limbs strewn out as he rests his arms over the back of his side of the booth, “Trust me when I say, the appeal is already there. No band needs three me’s, or three March’s. Do you know how terrifying that’d be? We’d blow something up–”
A huff of air escapes Dan Heng, a brief laugh leaving him, “I suppose you’re right. Thank you, Caelus.”
He takes a drink of his tea, now a manageable temperature, before continuing, “I didn’t mean it as an oversight of my strengths. It’s just that the way you draw people in and seem at home while performing.. is impressive in its own right.”
Laughter spills from Caelus, he tips his head back, before grinning, “Chaos only fuels me, didn’t you know?” Dan Heng’s thumbs brush up and down the side of his ceramic cup, and he smiles slightly. After a moment, he muses, “Rather, I think it’s because you don’t hesitate that people are able to feel drawn in.”
The other clears his throat, rubbing the back of his neck. For a moment, Caelus’ ears are flushed at the tips. He collects himself, before engaging back into his sillier disposition, “This is totally gonna go to my head, y’know? But keep going, I’m all ears.”
Dan Heng scoffs, to which another laugh leaves Caelus. Caelus’ face is practically brimming with delight as laughter overtakes him. Perhaps something more than mirth lingers in his expression, exposed in the way his eyes flicker briefly away and his laughter trails off into a softer breath. He takes a sip of his hot chocolate, thumb bouncing against the side of the cup. All Dan Heng really paid attention to with the differences between them was that people like Caelus were brilliant enough to be worthy of admiration. Or maybe, humans were just destined to constantly seek out the parts of themselves they lacked.
“Hey, you never sent me the pictures of that insect you saw the other day,” Caelus all of a sudden brings up, “You know, the one you said looked like a–um, what was it?” The man’s brow furrows in deep thought, before he snaps his fingers as he recalls, “A tricopter!”
The black-haired man’s lips quirk up, a slight fondness trails off from the beginning of the word to the end of it, “Trichoptera.”
“Right, that. What kind was it again?”
It doesn’t take long for Dan Heng and Caelus to end up in conversation about the latest additions to his nature journal. Sharing a hot drink with someone while seated in a booth that’s worn by all the people who have chosen to spend their time creating memories with one another in the exact same spot as them, is a comfortable feeling. Staying there until the lights dim, and the staff tell them they’re closing, is more than enough to give Dan Heng a sense of peace.
The legacies they leave behind, the trails they find themselves on. Maybe they’ll all lead back to music. Fans who listen to and support Akivili’s Trailblazers, perhaps they’ll remember him as a stoic and mysterious man who enjoys looking down at his bass more than the crowds of people watching them play. Either way he hopes that when Caelus remembers him, this moment, spent in a miniscule corner of the universe, comes to mind.
He knows that the very thing consuming his thoughts–that their apartment is a twenty minute walk from here, and he wishes he hadn’t had to drive his damn car, if only to be beside Caelus for more time than a drive allows–means he’ll be remembering this night for the next few weeks, and agonizing over how deep he’s already fallen.
<><><>
Two weeks later, it was the night of another gig for Akivili’s Trailblazers. Dan Heng arrived at the venue first, on top of scoping out the sound system and conversations with the staff about necessary pre-performance tasks as he always did. There wasn’t too much to do other than the general stage checks, they were familiar with the set up here. The gig this time was a bar they’d played at before, bringing Dan Heng back to the earlier days of their band’s formation. It’d been a while since they had a gig in a more laid-back setting. Welt arrives at the venue after Dan Heng, Himeko coming in behind him almost a minute later.
Welt’s expression is wistful as he runs checks on the lighting system, his tone reminiscing, “It’s been some time since we played in an establishment like this.” Himeko chuckles sweetly, glancing over at him, “Are you feeling nostalgic?”
The older man clears his throat, “It’s always nice to see young people so energetic to watch a live performance in the more crowded venues, but revisiting our roots is a pleasant experience nonetheless.”
Dan Heng nods silently in agreement, not having much to do yet since he’d had an appointment before this and hadn’t had time to stop by the apartment for his bass–which Caelus had texted he’d bring with him on his way out of their apartment. Himeko hums, before saying with a smile, “Well, you can thank Caelus for that. It was his suggestion after all to play here again.”
The bassist’s arms, crossed in front of his chest as he leans back against the wall, tense. What he had said a couple weeks ago at the diner comes to mind now, ‘I don’t think we’re ever going to find a.. less lively venue, in this profession.’ Had Caelus posed the idea to Himeko after the conversation they had at the diner? That’s just conjecture, is what he tells himself.
Except Caelus wasn’t the type to get nostalgic. He wasn’t the kind of person to look back, not when looking forward never failed him. He wouldn’t suggest something like this for his own interests, so maybe it had been because of what they’d talked about. Dan Heng keeps his attention on his bass as he works to finish tuning it. Whatever Welt says to Himeko next he doesn’t process, the conversation fading into the background.
Instead of giving it any more thought, the black-haired man makes his way to the bathroom. By the time he’s finished adjusting his eyeliner, March has already arrived too. March is always fashionably late, which makes Caelus just ‘late’ late.
Caelus’ internal clock was more haywire than most, given how he’d become accustomed to the misfortunate and unspoken rule of public transportation; trying to get to the bus stop early meant it’d be running fifteen minutes behind and you’d be late anyway, getting to the bus stop late meant they were running ahead of schedule and had already left by the time you made up your mind a block ago to walk a little faster, and trying to get to it right on time meant you’d make it just as the door was shutting. You’d barely have time to wave to get the bus driver’s attention, while they had their eyes focused intently forward with a determination that put actors in high speed chase scenes to shame, before they’d leave you in the dust. So it wasn’t unusual for Caelus to underestimate or overestimate just how long it would take to get somewhere when they were going by car. Only, surely, walking two blocks couldn’t be that time consuming.
The door to the back room of the bar suddenly swings open, Caelus hunching over with his hands on his knees. He breathes heavily, wheezing as he tries to catch his breath. “You guys are–” another wheeze, “not going to believe–” he tries to stand up straight before doubling over as his hands immediately fly back to his knees. Another sharp inhale of breath follows, “–the afternoon I’ve had.”
March snorts, “You were going through trash again, weren’t you?” She gets closer, before adding incredulously while pinching her nose, “You smell like it, by the way.”
Welt adjusts his glasses, pressing his index finger up against the rim between his eyes, “Catch your breath, son.” The red-haired manager shakes her head with carefree resignation, “Why don’t you freshen up in the bathroom and take a breather? We’ll be here waiting. I’ve already talked to the staff about needing more time to set up.”
The strap of Dan Heng’s bass case shifts around Caelus’ middle and swings to the front of his body as he straightens his posture. He lifts the case from around his shoulder before setting it aside and heading to the door, “I’ll be back before any of you have time to miss me.”
March calls out teasingly, “Come back smelling like flowers and I’ll consider it!”
Dan Heng doesn’t give himself time to consider it. Ignoring his instrument, he grabs the spare shirt he keeps in his backpack for after gigs, before following Caelus to the bar bathroom. A bar goer passes him on their way out into the hall, the loosely-hinged door swinging with a whine behind them. The black-haired man is about to hold out his shirt, but his reach stalls when Caelus’ palms dig into the edge of the bathroom counter.
It’d been long enough his shallow breathing should’ve eased by now, the drummer by no means out of shape, yet he still can’t catch his breath. “Is this how Pom-Pom feels when March dresses him up in cheap pajamas from the pet store?” Caelus huffs, his head dipping forward as he stares down at the counter.
“Is there something bothering you?” Dan Heng’s red eyeliner creases down at the corner of his eyes, his forehead scrunching. Caelus shrugs, then seems to wince as his muscles constrict briefly with the sudden movement. He turns around, pressing his lower back into the side of the counter, “It’s no biggie, really. Don’t sweat it.”
The taller man glances at Dan Heng, asking, “Mind letting me borrow your sweater? I need to take this binder off, man they are not kidding when they say not to exercise in these–”
Dan Heng immediately steps back to block the entrance to the bathroom, he lifts off his hoodie before tossing it across the short distance where Caelus grasps the fabric mid-air with his fingers. The blue-eyed man stares diligently at a stall door to the left as Caelus pulls off his shirt before peeling off his binder. Slipping Dan Heng’s dense sweater over his head, then sliding his hands through the arm holes, he glances at Dan Heng.
“I was looking through this trash bin, almost had my hands on an old vinyl. There was this raccoon–” Caelus adds theatrically, “And, I mean, who’s gonna pass up one of those? The vinyl, not the raccoon. Anyway, long story short, it didn’t drop the vinyl, and raccoons are way faster than they look–” He adds, referencing Dan Heng’s vast knowledge of the animal kingdom, “I’m sure you knew that.”
Dan Heng huffs lightheartedly, “I’m not sure enough people have chased after raccoons for how fast they are to be a point of reference in their classifications.”
“An interesting addition to that nature journal of yours then.”
His red eyeliner creases again, crinkling upwards now, “Nothing an asterisk in the margins couldn’t solve.”
The two stumble out of the bathroom, Caelus teasing as he leans his weight on the shorter man, “Not even worthy of being a highlighted note in the physical attributes section?”
Dan Heng chuckles as they turn back into the backroom of the bar, “Your ability to translate things like physiology into video game terminology is its own form of intelligence.”
March pops up in front of them, pulling Dan Heng over to where his bass is still resting in its case, “Come on, slowpokes! We’ve got a crowd to dazzle.” The gray-haired man pulls his drumsticks from his back pocket, tapping them against the air, “And a set to smash out of the park.”
The lighting in bars were usually focused on ambience, it made for a homier scene than the bright looping tracks put on in clubs and at festivals. It was still busier than their bar gigs when they’d first started. Word had gotten out that Akivili’s Trailblazers was performing tonight, as many people as the establishment occupancy would allow seated or standing in every nook and cranny of the room. Many of the regular bar hoppers were doing their own thing, enjoying the music, or only looking up from their conversations when people who were there to watch the band play cheered at the end of tracks or laughed when March engaged them between songs.
After the last set in the backroom of the bar, Dan Heng’s eyes follow Caelus. His friend’s chest was rising and falling steadily, his posture looser again. Caelus seemed a bit overheated wearing the sweater, but otherwise fine. He was focused on a piece of equipment Welt was helping the bar staff dismantle. Someone else, however, was keen to distract themselves with topics that weren’t manual labor. Stopping near Dan Heng, March wiggles her eyebrows in his direction, “So, Dan Heng, anything new?”
Blinking in her direction isn’t enough to convey his disinterest in whatever the tease in her tone is implying, “You’ll have to elaborate March, I’m not sure what you mean.” March pokes his cheek, pointing out the irony with a deadpan look but playful tone, “People who don’t know what someone is talking about don’t have to ask them to clarify an already open-ended question!”
The black-haired man glances in Caelus’ direction at the other side of the room, the usually rambunctious man now smiling sheepishly as one of the bar staff holds up a piece of equipment that wasn’t meant to be dismantled and is currently hanging broken in the air. Before Dan Heng can reply, March’s voice softens as she adds with a knowing tone, “Caelus is a good guy. And, our best friend I might add. It can’t hurt to be more vulnerable.” She continues, more chipper again, “You’ll only burn a hole through his head eventually. It’s a miracle he hasn’t noticed your longing glances.”
Dan Heng’s knuckles brush against his lips, a tickle building in his throat that he promptly clears. The loop of March’s keys swing around her index finger, before she catches the spinning object with her palm. His stoicism shines through even now, “There’s nothing to worry about.” There’s a brief pause, “But,” and Dan Heng slides the strap of his instrument case over his shoulder, “I’ll keep it in mind.”
“Hey, Dan Heng!” Caelus suddenly calls out.
The spry man practically bounces over, holding up the now useless speaker stand, “Check it out. They told me I could keep it.”
His collection at the apartment had more than enough clutter gathering dust. March answers faster, “Uh huh, and what will this one be for?”
Caelus offers, “Hat stand?”
Dan Heng observes, “There’s only one spoke.”
The other man shrugs now, still beaming, “A display for that old fedora my grandfather left me.”
A loud squeal comes from across the room when Welt disconnects the sound system, briefly capturing the trio's attention. “All clear!” A staff member calls out. Dan Heng sighs, looking at Caelus again with a hum, “As long as it makes you happy.”
<><><>
“It’s a bit much,” a venue manager had complained.
Caelus hadn’t missed a beat, shrugging, “It’s a good thing gender doesn’t play the drums then.”
Dan Heng had been around to witness it before. He’d heard what Caelus had to say whenever anyone took the way he chose to live personally. When someone had told Caelus there was no need to be so obvious about who he was, all he’d said was, “Next you’ll tell me you haven’t noticed how ravishingly handsome I am,” promptly followed by an, “-ouch, March!” March, who'd been standing off to the side of the conversation had then pulled back her hand from having flicked his forehead, “You’re so cheesy, Caelus!”
Dan Heng had always been more reserved, never giving anyone more information than necessary. Keeping to himself didn’t stop him from worrying about Caelus every time there was an unsavory interaction. Today there had been, this time with someone who’d claimed to be a fan of the band but actively avoided interacting with the lively man before making an off-handed comment to March about loving how she embraced her natural gifts.
They were at home again now, Dan Heng and Caelus settled on the living room couch. Pom-Pom is sprawled between them, snuggled in a balled up position with a stuffed watering can shaped toy tucked between his paws. Television static buzzes in the background. “What do you want to watch?” Dan Heng asks. Caelus shrugs, “Let’s put on that animated series Welt has been raving about.” The shorter man sets his book on his lap, picking up the remote on the side table beside them.
Dusk settles outside the window in the next hour, painting the living room in a warm-tinted orange hue. Pom-Pom gets up, spinning around in circles before relaxing instead inside a box tucked away in a corner of the room. A shutter clicks as Caelus snaps photos of Pom-Pom. Dan Heng’s phone buzzes moments later, lighting up with a notification to the Akivili’s Trailblazers group chat.
Pictures of Pom-Pom take up his screen. March is already typing,
Awww, no fair! I want Pom-Pom snuggles too. (˶˃⤙˂˶)
Himeko replies a few moments later,
Thank you, Caelus. You can watch him for me next time, March.
The pink-haired woman’s response is near instant,
>o<♡♡♡♡♡♡!!
March pings again immediately after,
A heart for each of us!
And for Pom-Pom, of course ^^
Caelus chuckles, recapturing Dan Heng’s attention. The shorter man shuts off his phone, watching Caelus with a softening expression. Seeing the effortless joy on Caelus’ face brings a question to mind. It’s the same one he always thinks when he sees him happy in that way after a should-be frustrating encounter. Like everything Dan Heng collects and reads enthusiastically about, he wants to understand the other man. Truly know him, not just the idea he has of him in his head.
So, as Caelus is snapping more pictures of Pom-Pom, Dan Heng indulges his curiosity, “There’s something I’m curious about.” He knows he’s close enough to Caelus to ask it at least. Caelus looks over from where he’s bent on his knees in front of the box Pom-Pom is laying in, his head tilted. “Want these photos too?”
The bassist’s voice turns breathy for a moment in amusement right before he hums, “I believe March sends me enough photos of Pom-Pom for the both of you.” He shakes his head, “No, it doesn’t have anything to do with that.” There’s a pause, before Dan Heng asks with genuine curiosity, “I was wondering what being transgender means to you.”
The gray-haired man blinks, tipping backwards on the heel of his shoes briefly before balancing himself, “Where’s that coming from?”
Dan Heng leans back, arms extending behind him and his palms propping up against the cushion, “It’s something I’ve been wondering about for some time now.”
The second Caelus doesn’t say anything feels longer than it should.
He looks up at the ceiling with a hum, “Uhhh..” A lightbulb seems to go off in his head when he quickly looks back across the room at the patient man, “Y’know, it’s like a long sigh after being lost in a daydream.”
Dan Heng’s brows lift, before scrunching. It’s obvious he’s considering what Caelus has said with all the usual seriousness he has whenever he learns anything new, even if Caelus isn’t done speaking yet. “In a daydream, the only limit is yourself and how far your imagination takes you. It’s like the feeling of relief after a moment of pure freedom from anything around you.”
So Caelus experienced gender in a way that wasn’t tangible to other people. Was that why he was able to be so fearless about it? Maybe Dan Heng didn’t have to be so worried about him then, but it wasn’t like he could help it. He was always thinking about Caelus. Only now he was distracted by how warm the room felt. A strange sense of peace between them. It was a little easier to understand Caelus than before.
You could spend your whole life explaining yourself away to people. Or you could just meet them where they were. You could greet them with responses, equally ridiculous to their questions or probing; and you could simply live, knowing that the people who passed you by had as little impact on the realities of what it meant to live authentically as you were as you living your own truth had on their reality. You could never control what other people did or said, but you could have fun with it.
“And you?” Caelus prompts.
He felt like maybe having someone as assured as Caelus answer that question for him might give him a clue, but in truth he still wasn’t sure. He’d gotten his hopes up without thought. After all, of course it’d be different for everyone.
Caelus flops back down on the couch beside him, twisting to sprawl out horizontally before resting his head on the other’s lap, “It’s not really something you have to think about.”
The other swallows thickly, immediately feeling overly conscious of Caelus’ position. Quickly averting his gaze, Dan Heng questions, “You.. didn’t have to think about it?”
The taller man shrugs, shoulders pressing down into Dan Heng’s legs, “Everyone has an idea deep down. Not having the words just means you aren’t where you want the answer to be yet.” Silence lingers between them, Dan Heng lost in thought as he considers the implications.
Still, he’s distracted. If Caelus notices, he does a good job of hiding it. Suddenly Caelus shuffles on his lap, curling his posture to press his face into Dan Heng’s stomach. He inhales, before humming, “The new body wash you got suits you.”
He gets up as soon as he says it, stretching his arms over his head with a yawn.
<><><>
Water from last night's rainstorm had left Dan Heng’s car windows slick with run-off. His windows are fogged over due to Caelus turning the heat in the car up to max, while Dan Heng adjusts the vents to try and clear them up.
Today, they’re going on a date.
Well, it’s not a date, but it might as well be. The aquarium is as good a spot as any. Dan Heng had mentioned that the aquarium had a new exhibit installed, one thing had led to another, and suddenly Caelus wanted to tag along.
The designated driver watches the sleepy man in his passenger seat, “It’s a bit of a drive, are you certain you don’t want to stop by somewhere for coffee along the way?”
Caelus, already dozing off again, mumbles incoherently, “Nah.. nah, it’s cool.” Dan Heng chuckles under his breath, looking back at the road.
True to his word, the drive was a decent distance from their downtown apartment. At the very least, by the time they arrived Caelus was much more well rested than when they set out. He practically bounces out of the car, pulling up his phone as he falls into step beside Dan Heng. The gray-haired man dramatically exclaims, “March’ll kill me if I don’t get pictures, don’t let me forget.”
Dan Heng glances over at him, “You never forget.”
Snapping a photo already of the entrance, Caelus says, “Uh, yeah! Cause March threatens to kill me!” Caelus is smiling as he looks down at his phone, already uploading a couple pictures to their message thread with March. The corners of Dan Heng’s lips raise as he looks forward again, his phone buzzing as March replies to the group chat.
Make sure you get pictures of the penguins! ૮(•͈⌔•͈)ა
Two more vibrations come through, one shortly after the other.
And the jellyfish!!
~(>-<)~
The black-haired man suggests as they enter the aquarium, “Let’s save the new exhibit for last so we don’t have to rush through it.” Already taking more pictures of the inside, the other nods. Dan Heng grabs a program pamphlet, and a map, before holding the latter out to his roommate, “I’ve been here plenty of times, you should have this.”
Caelus accepts the map with a grin, “Thanks.”
The exhibits are as beautiful as the last ten times Dan Heng has visited the facility. Even though there were aquariums closer to where they lived, this one was state of the art. Not only that but many aquariums were more kid-oriented and focused on providing information in simple and short sentences, this one had more scientific information listed around the displays that was updated on a consistent basis.
Later in the day, when Dan Heng is about to head over to the new exhibit, he sees Caelus sitting near the gift shop. Caelus has a few charms set aside, brow furrowed in concentration as he tries to attach one to his phone. The gray-haired man looks over at Dan Heng as he approaches, “Hey, check these out. I got us matching phone charms.”
The keychain Caelus is attaching to his phone is a seal with a charm shaped like a beach ball, the one he holds out for Dan Heng, a whale shark with sunglasses. He assumes the jellyfish keychain with an ice cream cone charm can only be a gift for March.
“You didn’t have to do that, but.. thank you,” Dan Heng accepts the charm, looking at it for a moment before attaching it to his phone. He glances back at Caelus, who hasn’t seemed too interested in the different exhibits of the aquarium. The taller man had been looking at the animals momentarily and speeding through, not staying at any one tank or enclosure for much longer than the rest. Dan Heng sets the program pamphlet aside, “You don’t have to push yourself, you know.”
Caelus looks up at him, blinking in confusion, “Ah. Huh?”
“I figured you might be bored. I understand these kinds of things don’t interest everyone. We can head back soon, if you like,” Dan Heng glances over at the new exhibit he’d been interested in, “I can always come back by myself another time, the exhibit will still be here.”
The gray-haired man doesn’t appear any less confused, “Why would you come back alone when we’re already here?”
Dan Heng glances at the charm dangling from his own phone. The mouth of the whale shark is gaping, a hole having been cut out in the clay to mimic the mouth of an actual whale shark in a cute depiction. He looks at Caelus again, “Well, there are people who don’t like this kind of thing. If someone isn’t interested, it’s better to not force it.”
“But, Dan Heng..”
“Hmm?” He hums.
“Don’t you think it’s the same for anyone? I doubt if other people knew I liked digging through trash they’d be thrilled about it. March, Himeko, and Welt too. If other people tried Himeko’s coffee, they'd be turned off by it.” Caelus shrugs, before continuing, “But because we’re us, and we know Himeko enjoys making coffee, it’s endearing.”
How funny, he thought he’d known that.
“It’s the same for you. Just cause I’m not interested in all the things you like to learn about, doesn’t mean I don’t want to listen to you or be there while you get to experience it.”
Somehow he’d forgotten in his stoicism that the people around him were still capable of forming close bonds with him even if he denied his own. Had he been thinking of them as bandmates this entire time? Rationalizing that at the very least, if there’s a formal reason for them being together, there’s no reason for them to part even if things go wrong?
How foolish he’d been, of course they were his friends.
“You know, Caelus. You’re surprisingly adept at comforting people,” Dan Heng sighs, but it’s a relieved sound. The exhale of someone letting go, not holding in.
Caelus punches his arm halfheartedly without missing a beat, “What are you trying to say?” The other chuckles, and Caelus throws his head back. He loses himself in laughter, and Dan Heng is all at once jostled by how beautiful Caelus looks with his head thrown back in genuine joy. The entrance to the exhibit hardly catches his eye anymore.
“Caelus,” Dan Heng pauses. He clears his throat, trying to clear the intimate fondness from his tone with it. He fails, “Do you want to go back to the apartment and watch a movie?”
The man doesn’t seem to notice, or maybe he just doesn’t see the need to point it out. “Hell yeah, man. Pom-Pom’s gotta eat dinner soon anyway.”
<><><>
Back at the apartment, Pom-Pom spins in circles around them the second they step inside. It takes long enough to calm him down with dinner and play time that it’s already getting dark outside once they get settled to watch something. Caelus picks out a movie completely at random, his skin brushing Dan Heng’s where his legs are strewn across his lap on the couch. Lights flicker from the screen. A fleeting glow of color is splashed across the room, shifting with each change of scene on the television.
Halfway through the movie, Caelus picks up Dan Heng’s hand. The gray-haired man brings the tip of his thumb and index finger to each of the other man’s knuckles, tracing the edge of his fingers one by one. He does it often enough it doesn’t faze Dan Heng, Caelus is physically affectionate with most of the people he cares about. However, it does bring a certain buzz to his chest, his heart rate picking up.
“Hey, Dan Heng.”
Dan Heng turns his head, only to find Caelus’ face is close enough to his that their breaths mingle between each other. He blinks, mouth suddenly dry. The other isn’t startled at all, completely content with their position.
Then he leans forward, and Dan Heng sucks in a breath.
It’s a feeling akin to satin sliding over skin. Dan Heng’s lips are soft, and it doesn’t surprise Caelus. Sharing a bathroom, he’s well aware that the other takes his hygiene seriously. Caelus’ lips on the other hand, are rougher. Not exactly dry, since Dan Heng had convinced him at some point to at least use a little vaseline every now and then. Just a bit raw, since he had a habit of biting the dead skin off when he got bored. It’s only now that Dan Heng realizes inhaling was a mistake, because it means he’ll have to move away sooner to catch his breath. The thought causes his chest to ache, and he refuses to pull back just yet.
His upper lip dips over the other’s lower lip, mouths folding over one another like the rolling and rescinding of waves before parting and crashing together again. It’s not until Caelus goes to wet his lips without thought, and accidentally ends up briefly sliding his tongue into the other’s mouth that they suddenly pull back.
It’s not unwelcome, but it does feel like something that should happen after a conversation. At least to Dan Heng. Caelus doesn’t seem ashamed in the slightest. In fact, his obvious lack of impulse control is apparent in the grin plastered to his face. Dan Heng’s throat bobs when he sits back, “That was–”
“Great. Excellent, even. Did you learn that from your books, Dan Heng?” Caelus asks it with enough eagerness Dan Heng isn’t sure if he’s teasing him or not.
Dan Heng wants to kiss him again, and he hates it. Every calm, collected part of him always seemed to start being pulled in a million different directions whenever Caelus was involved. It frustrated him endlessly to know Caelus had this effect on him. The fact that he knew things is what was supposed to be what made him so steadfast in the first place. Just like with anything he researched, everything he learned about Caelus only left him wanting more. And, yet, the fact that it was Caelus meant nothing he could ever know would be enough to satiate him.
Dan Heng leans back on the couch, palms pressing into the cushions bent back behind him. The other follows the movement. Draping slightly over Dan Heng’s lap, his fingers dancing playfully over the shorter man’s knuckles. Dan Heng flips the inside of his right hand back toward Caelus now, intertwining their fingers together. His thumb presses softly into the center of Caelus’ palm, where he can feel his heartbeat pulse through his skin.
“I believe I might know what it means to me now.”
Caelus tilts his head, “What means w–,” His voice lowers as he remembers, “Oh,” before he nods, “I’m all ears.”
The shorter man’s fingers slide down to wrap lightly around Caelus’ wrist. Dan Heng had always thought he had to consider what his past meant to him. Maybe he had it wrong all this time, he shouldn’t have wasted so much time thinking. What he really needs to figure out is how to act, so that when tomorrow comes he can face it with his best foot forward.
“It’s like a shadow that always follows me. It’s the feeling of trying to surpass what’s already been..” The black-haired man trails off, trying to find the best phrasing before he continues, “So that I can look forward to what’s next.”