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It all started with the team interview.
The Hurricane's manager had been concreting a lot of ads, interviews, meetings and all that sort of things that Neil didn’t like. Nevertheless, he was anticipating this one since he was told the interview was made in a room full of kitties. His love for cats grew when he and Andrew adopted King and Sir. He no longer could see a stray cat without crouching to pet it. And now, with all the baby cats rounding he relied on his teammates to do all the talk. Or that was the plan until he heard the interviewer saying his name.
"Sorry, what was the question?"
"Neil seems a little in his world with the cats" The man laughed "you yourself own a cat, right?"
"Two actually, but one lives with my partner"
He felt an awkward silence fill the room, which made him stop staring at the cat whose chin he was scratching, but before he could say something the interviewer was asking him about his opinion on the next season. It wasn’t until the team was leaving that he realized his mistake, when Will, the team’s main defense, reached him before leaving the lockers of the place.
"Dude, didn't know you have a girlfriend"
A what?
"What’s stopping her living with you tho? Is it recent?"
"I don’t have a girlfriend" Was all he could say before the captain interrupted them.
"Stop intruding into Neil’s life. If he wants to share he will."
And Neil certainly didn't want to. Not that there was something to share, Andrew had made it very clear some years ago: it was nothing. Now they lived far away from the other, they did call each other often, they met when they could, they cooked, watched TV and slept together on those occasions but... Well, Andrew never really took that back, that nothing.
It was okay though, he would take whatever Andrew would give him, no more and no less. But he’d be lying if he say he hadn’t been calling Andrew his boyfriend to himself for years, never out loud, never to Andrew, obviously. But that explained why the "partner" had slipped out during the interview. He just expected they would cut that part, or at least that Andrew wouldn't watch it.
That would be easy, the blonde never watched these exy-related things.
***
The interview aired on Saturday one week later, a week that had been filled with his teammate’s questions. He would normally ignore all of this, but being constantly reminded about his "relationship" with Andrew put him on his nerves.
"Can we please talk about exy?" He had cut his teammates' conversation early that week, when they were stretching before practice.
"You can’t expect your girlfriend to move in with you if you only ever talk about exy" Sam said, because apparently the topic now was why Neil’s girlfriend didn’t want to live with him.
"That can’t be the reason, or she wouldn’t even date him in the first place." said Ben, and then, with a quirked smile "Maybe he's disappointing her in other area"
"Please, have you seen how long Josten last running? With all that stamina I’m pretty sure he keeps her satisfied"
That just was enough. He knew that if Andrew was there he wouldn't mind, he never cared about what people thought or said, but he cared. Talking like that about his 'girlfriend', as if Andrew... as if sex... He had ended up moving farther in the court, where he couldn't hear the laughs and stupid comments.
Now, however, he had opened his laptop and searched for the interview. He needed to see if his answer had been included in the last clip. Five minutes into the video his phone rang. It was him.
"Andrew"
He couldn’t help the worried tone in his voice. All he could thing was that he has saw the interview and was now calling to put things in place, to repeat that "nothing" like years ago, to take all the breath out of Neil’s chest and leave him there alone, with barely the promise of seeing each other in two weeks, in a month, when the season ended, or maybe never, maybe this overstepping could be what Andrew was expecting to end this nothing.
"Rabbiting into panic again." His voice sounded bored, as if he couldn't care less if Neil was having a panic attack right there. But Neil knew better, Andrew did care.
"Emmh no" he tried to extend his arms to calm himself and accidentally pressed play on the laptop. Because of his nervousness, it took him a few seconds to shut the video.
"Is… is someone in there with you?"
"Some… what? No, no, 'course not"
The silence lasted a little longer then. It always did with their calls, but this one felt uncomfortable. Andrew finally broke it.
"I’m coming over in three weeks"
"I know" was all he could say and was disappointed when he heard Andrew hanging up.
They haven’t talked in days and now they have barely said two words. Had Andrew seen the interview? Was this his way of saying 'we are nothing'?
***
He wasn’t like that.
He had never been like that in his six years of being with Neil.
Things were usually easy between them. Sure, both had complicated lives, but with the years the bad days had been decreasing, and he always could tell when Neil was having one. This was different. But he wasn't that type of person, he needed to stop overthinking about it.
Neil was ignoring him. That’s fine, he told himself, sometimes people needed space, he knew that better than everyone. The thing that itched him was that Neil usually would talk if he felt worried or bad about something, he would talk even if Andrew told him to shut up. And now that voice he heard through the call, that male voice. And the awkward silence after, and Neil being avoidant.
God. He needed to stop.
***
Three weeks later Andrew left his apartment at six AM to go to the airport. The original plan was traveling on Saturday, however it was Friday and he was in the cab with a headache from thinking so much.
A week without calling. That wasn’t normal. Normal Neil would have called him on Wednesday just to tell him how excited he was about seeing him again. He missed that, Neil being stupid and he telling him so.
So, he bought his plane ticket for Friday with the paranoid idea of arriving without warning to Neil’s place and seeing if it was true. It was meant to happen anyway, Neil cheating on him. All that ‘not swinging’ thing might be something temporal, Neil subconsciously burying his desires so he could keep surviving, keep running.
Was he being stupid? Yes. But if everything was normal between them Neil would just be happy to see him a day earlier. And if it wasn't...
***
He hoped to be faced with the truth or be welcomed happily. He did not expect to have to wait three hours for Neil to show up at his own apartment.
Hurricane's practice ended at twelve on Friday, he knew this, so when the clock marked 4 PM and he was still waiting he couldn't feel worse. His mind was now filled with the more languid memories: couples who had wanted to adopt turning him down, foster families returning him, learning that his own mother had given him to the foster care. It had always bothered him, even when he didn’t want to stick with those people, even when he told himself it didn’t matter. That horrible feeling of being despised was so common in his mind.
He was about to light the sixth cigarette when he saw a car park. Being four floors above the parking lot made it hard to see much but he could easily spot his junkie's auburn hair when he came out from the passenger seat. He finally decided to light the cigarette waiting for Neil to walk in. It took a few more than he expected, or maybe his overthinking was making time pass slower.
He obliged himself to look at the open window when he heard the key on the door, remembering another key and a promise.
"Andrew" he heard the stupid voice but still didn’t want to look at his stupid face. "Though you’ll be here tomorrow"
"I can go"
He was so in his mind, trying to ignore Neil’s fake smile or the picture of Neil being escorted to his place by another dude, that he didn’t hear Neil approaching until he felt the heat of a hand near his face, hovering over his cheek without touching.
"Can I?"
He took his time, taking another drag of the cigarette before extinguishing it against the window frame then walked to the bathroom.
***
After the shower he felt like he could deal with this, whatever this was. He reunited with Neil in the living room to eat the takeout that Neil had surely ordered while he was having a live crisis in the bathroom. They ate in silence, with some dumb cook reality on the TV, sitting on the couch not too close so their legs would not touch. Andrew couldn’t help but notice it. It’s been six weeks since they last saw each other, but Neil doesn’t seem eager to touch him or kiss him, not even to talk his ear off about exy.
“Are you mad at me?” Neil asks like he read his mind, saying what he hadn’t had the courage to ask in weeks. When Andrew doesn’t open his mouth, he continues “Is it because I wasn’t here when you arrived?”
“I don’t care.” He really doesn’t.
He is not planning to look at Neil, not when the idiot surely has those big blue dumb eyes directed at him, ready to understand him, like if someone could. But he feels a tug in his hoodie sleeve, and his chest is filled with so much that it closes his throat and he can’t keep avoiding Neil, not when they’re this close, finally on the same state, same place, same couch so close and yet…
He uses all his will power to turn and look at him, he thinks that this might be what Perseus felt confronting Medusa. His problem is right there, blue eyes, pretty lips, too long hair, face more tanned than the last time he saw him.
“Yes”
And Neil knows that it’s a “yes, something it’s happening”, “yes, I’m mad”, “yes, I need you now”. He feels Neil’s lips on his, so careful and hesitant, and he wishes he wasn’t, he wishes he would bite his mouth and take his breath and all the thoughts that had been tormenting him these weeks. One of Neil’s hands goes to his cheek and the other moves slowly from his sleeve to his hand, and then to his wrists, not with force, trying to immobilize him like many others had done, but with a gentle press, feeling his pulse. They used to do this a lot, on bad days, in the middle of the night after being woken up by some nightmare, the need to know that the other was real.
Andrew kisses him more intensely and moves one hand to the other’s auburn hair, leaving his right hand on Neil’s, to comfort him.
***
Over the years Andrew's kisses had never ceased to make him feel so much. It was like running and falling, his brain mushing, the low of his stomach on fire with desire. His fingers ached to touch him, feel the soft strands of his hair, his pulse, the scars long made, so far in the past.
One part of him couldn’t help but notice that Andrew hadn’t put his armbands on after the shower. A sign of openness maybe, of being willing to solve all this weird thing that had been going between them these weeks. He felt Andrew’s hands on his hair, and Andrew’s eager tongue on his mouth and hope sprouting on his gut like the first flower after a long winter, the first nice thought in all this time, because maybe Andrew hadn't watched the interview, or he had but hadn’t cared.
But Andrew always cared, even when nobody noticed. So maybe...
"Drew." The name came out of his mouth like a plea, full of desire, and he expected Andrew to shut him up like he always did when he was so mouthy, that never stopped him though "I-I need you"
Andrew mouthed his neck and slowly slid his hand from the back of his head to the low of his back. And god, he hadn't realized how touch starved he was, he felt like he could moan just from the steadiness of Andrew’s touch. The feeling of Andrew’s fingers finally below his shirt made him release a gasp that made the open-mouth kisses on his neck stop. He was about to say something to explain himself: "it’s been too long", “I’ve missed your mouth and hands of me", but the expression with what Andrew was looking at him... he couldn't decipher any of it, was it because all the time they were spending apart? Was he losing his ability to read Andrew?
The questioning didn’t last too long, interrupted when Andrew moved his arm, the one that Neil was holding, to rest his hand on Neil’s cheek, outlining the curve of his lower lip with his thumb. The touch wasn’t gentle, but it was full of awe, as if Andrew was amazed to have Neil here, moaning on the couch from just a touch.
He tightened his grip on the blonde hair and opened his mouth for Andrew, who shoved his finger in, letting Neil lick it a few times before bringing Neil closer to resume the kisses. Since Neil didn’t lie anymore, he had to admit that making out with a finger in his mouth was complicated and kind of awkward, but he really didn't care. It made him feel so full. Right now he would accept anything from Andrew, a simple touch, a kiss, whatever that made him forget that he would leave in two days, and it’ll be another month of being alone in his mind, with his doubts about this that wasn’t even a this.
"Room"
"Yes" Neil answered, anchoring on the present.
He followed Andrew to the room, feeling his legs weak and his mind fuzzy, part of it disappearing when he saw the blonde coming out with a clearly upset Sir, meowing like trying to debate his right to sleep in the bed. Neil has spoiled her too much this last time, keeping her around and full of treats. When Andrew returned, so did all the heat and desired, crashing him like a wave. Andrew looked weirdly adorable, standing on the frame of the door, with his hair messy from Neil’s hands and his cheeks and ears slightly red.
"Clothes off?"
"Yes"
And Neil took off his shirt and jeans before lying on the bed, with his head on the pillows, looking at the ceiling in case Andrew needed more space or privacy. Some time later he felt the bed shifting and Andrew appeared in his range of vision, his hands, at each side of Neil’s head, taking his weight. It had taken longer than he expected, so he searched on Andrew’s face for any sign of discomfort, ready to back out. Before he could say anything, the other lowered his face to kiss him again.
The kiss deepened and Andrew shifted to support in his forearms. His lips moving to his jaw and neck before stopping.
"Your phone"
"Mhm?"
"Your phone is ringing"
"Yeah, don't care" How could he ever give a damn about his phone when Andrew was all over him after so many weeks.
He felt Andrew move off him to take the phone that was emitting an annoying noise somewhere on his bed or nightstand. Why couldn’t he just hang up like he did with everyone that called him. Neil turned to look at Andrew and ask him to move close again when he saw him, phone in hand, face paralyzed.
***
“Something happened?”
Neil's voice has changed from the mess of moans and gasps that he was some seconds ago to carefully worried. This made him feel so dumb, he had Neil there, almost naked, responding to his kisses by repeating his name, with so much care and desire, and he was mad that someone was calling him. But he didn’t like sharing his things, he didn’t like the idea of this fuck dumb “Will <3” calling his boyfriend at 8 PM on the weekend he was spending with him. Especially because he was almost sure that this Will, the main defense of the hurricanes, was who brought Neil back to the apartment earlier that evening, all nice tan and curly hair when he got out of the car to walk Neil to the building entrance. Who did that nowadays? The asshole was surely trying to come up with Neil to the apartment.
“Is it one of the foxes?”
Neil rose up from the bed to sit and shot a glance at the phone still in Andrew’s hand. He tried to calm himself but that fucking <3 was printed on his retinas. Neil didn’t know what that even meant, so it had to be the asshole that saved his name like that on the contacts, and he could see the flirty wink and smile with that he handed the phone back to Neil after doing it.
The phone had stopped ringing when Neil took it from his hands, so it took him a little to see who had called. Andrew observed his face and expressions carefully, wanting to get the confirmation he was too afraid to ask. But Neil just powered off the phone and looked at him gently.
Andrew was distressed, and of course Neil noticed it. He slowly reached for his shirt on the other side of the bed and put it on, eyes never parting away from Andrew, not wanting to lose any of his expressions, which just made him angrier. He slowly unclenched his fist looking at the marks his fingernails had left in his palms. He needed to stop, so he paced his thumb over his scars on his forearms. He had picked that habit lately whenever something stressed him: some idiot on his team, his loud neighbors, the ache on his chest when he hadn’t seen Neil in too long. It made him remember everything he had been through. He wasn't one of those people who felt self-pity, but Bee always repeated herself on the importance of acknowledging the battles won. Now felt like the right moment to give himself a gold star for all the things he had endured.
Feeling his scars below his thumb and seeing Neil sitting in front of him -oversized shirt covering the top of his thighs, loose collar showing a hickey starting to form, had he done that?- he could just think of the battle Neil represented. He’d never had anything until him, he had only held temporary things by deals and promises. He was living in a survivor mode until then, and after that his life was a blur of Neil with him on the roof, on the Maserati, Neil on his bed, his warm mouth and warm hands, always wanting to say too much, always asking, always yes and he didn’t knew how to shut him up, how to shut himself up and start enjoying. When he started doing so it was his last year on Palmetto, and then he went pro, and Neil was so far, but closer than now. Closer than this Neil at the other side of the bed that looked like he was waiting for a word or a gesture to fly himself four states away.
"I’m gonna sleep" Was all he could say before refugging himself in the bathroom.
When he returned to the room, Neil was in the same place he had left him, sitting on the bed fidgeting with his phone. When he heard him coming, he got a little startled.
"Uh- uhm do you bring pajamas or need...something?"
Andrew didn't answer but reached for his suitcase in one corner of the room to take out his pajamas.
"I’m gonna feed Sir, tell me if you... you know"
Andrew didn't know but didn’t care either, he just wanted to sleep, the tiredness of his 4 hour long flight just crashing into him. He changed when Neil left the room and spent a good ten minutes staring at the opposite wall, then he sat on the bed and spent another ten minutes staring blankly at the floor. He just snapped out when he realized that he was waiting for Neil to come back to the room to sleep with him. Whatever the junkie was doing he decided he would not wait for him any longer and pushed the comforters to finally lie on the bed. His rest was interrupted when he felt something, a piece of cloth, below his pillow.
***
He had laid on the couch but wasn’t sleeping yet, too many thoughts running on his mind to even try, but if he were, he would have been woken up by Andrew angry stomps or by the thing that he threw at his head. As he was wide awake, he could catch it before it landed on his face and recognized instantly what it was.
“Junkie” A wave of embarrassment washed over him before he locked eyes with Andrew, who looked at him with a plain expression and his arms folded, waiting for an answer. “I looked for my jersey for weeks”
Last time they saw each other, which felt like eons ago, Neil had flown to see one of Andrew's team matches and then spent some days with him at his apartment. By some lucky causality Andrew hadn’t thrown the jersey he wore on the game on the locker laundry hamper, but returned with it on his duffel bag. Neil had thought at the time that it was an error induced by Andrew’s eagerness to see him as soon as possible. Whatever it was, Neil took the opportunity and flew back to his apartment with Andrew’s jersey. He was not proud to admit it, but that was what had happened.
“You could have asked your staff team for another one” Neil said, relieved that the poor lighting could hide his blush.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you the possibility of inviting someone over for them to find a gross sweated jersey below your pillow?”
“Why would I invite someone to see my bed?” Was Andrew mad that someone would find the jersey with his number and last name on his bed? Was that much of a risk to him? He felt his mind flowing with anxiety for a second before being calmed by Sir hoping onto his lap. The cat purred in his hands, messing with the jersey he was still holding. “I promise no one has seen it. I never have anyone here. It’s just…easier for me to sleep with it nearby. And it is for Sir too, she loves to take her naps on it.”
He watched the blank face with which Andrew looked at him for some long seconds, his eyes now more used to the low light. When Andrew pushed himself in a too blank expression it usually meant that he was burying too many feelings behind it. He opted to let the silence invade the living room, waiting for the blonde to say something or return to the room. However, Andrew chose to sit with him on the couch, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands like he was unbearably tired, which he must be. Neil changed his lie position to sit beside Andrew. Sir, not happy with the shifting, left him to go sit on Andrew’s lap, the traitor.
“Are we exclusive?”
From all the things Andrew could have said this was the one he didn’t expect at all.
“Drew” He said trying to meet his gaze, when the other finally gave up looking at the opposite wall he pushed all his tenderness on his next words “You know it has always been only you.”
He heard a deep exhale from Andrew, as if he was finally free of some heavy charge on his chest. Was this what had been concerning him? Sir, understanding she was not -and most likely won’t be- the center of the conversation, decided to leave on that moment, which made it easy for Neil to get closer and reach to Andrew’s face like he had when he entered the apartment some hours ago, a silent question this time, answered by a small nod and eyes closing: Andrew trusting him.
Neil caressed his cheek with his thumb and appreciated his sharp features on the dim light. Andrew was beautiful and he told him so. For the first time he was not answered with an annoyed huff but with Andrew’s head leaning further into his hand, Neil smiled thinking the gesture was so alike of what Sir had done just minutes ago. Andrew, as if hearing Neil’s smile, opened his eyes, not moving but daring him to say something.
“You’re cute”
“You already said that”
“I said you are beautiful, now I’m saying you are cute. I thought I was the one that needed things spelled out”
The cue of a smile tugged Andrew’s mouth, he felt it against his palm, making him feel butterflies on his stomach. It always happened when Andrew acted like this, more open to express on his face what he was feeling. For Neil it was like a gift, every Andrew micro expression did.
“You are the one that needs to shut up”
“Mhm, sure”
“Don’t mhm me”
“Still mad about Will calling?” When Andrew didn’t answer, Neil decided to yap about the matter, knowing he would never ask, never demand an explanation even when his non-stopping mind needed it. “The guys wanted to go to a bar tonight. You know it has been a mid season, captain wants us to keep the hopes up, reinforce teamwork and all that sort of stuff. I told them I wouldn’t go on today's lunch but they’re a little insistent, you see.”
“I don’t care.” Andrew said with his usually blank face, but he didn’t seem to have any intention of moving away from Neil’s hand.
Neil nodded, giving him the reason, and reached to leave a soft peck on his forehead. Andrew seemed content with it and closed his eyes again.
“Doesn’t explain why you saved his contact with a heart” He heard him rumbling after some silence.
“A heart? Samantha saved all the team's contacts on my cellphone my first week. I don’t know what all the symbols and parenthesis she put on them mean.”
“Dummy” he said, eyes still closed and voice sleepy, moving his hand to sink his fingers on the hair on the back of Neil’s head. He hadn’t cut it in a while, he knew Andrew liked it like that, he liked to tangle his fingers on his messy curls and pull them gently when Neil took him on his mouth. ”Sleeping on the couch when I travelled so long to see you”
“Though you needed some space. Especially after…”
He let it hang there, not knowing exactly what to say. After ignoring each other the whole week?, after I said you were my partner in an interview?. Andrew used the grip on his hair to bring him closer and kiss his lips, a soft quick kiss meant to express support and comfort, the things he never said out loud, with words, but do say with these little gestures.
“After the interview with the cats”
He could almost hear the engines on Andrew’s mind, he was putting his eidetic memory to full work.
“You can pet other cats, I’m not as possessive as Sir and King” Andrew moved to rest his head on the coach backrest. The few centimeters distancing them felt unbearable for Neil, so he imitated Andrew’s position to be closer.
“I meant, after I said I have a partner”
Andrew looked at him for a moment before flicking him on the forehead.
“Ouch” he winced “why was that for?”
“Rabbiting into stupid things. We are partners.”
“Are we?”
“You just said we were exclusive”
“I am to you. You know I-I have always wanted this.”
“Who said I didn’t?”
“You always said you want nothing” He said knowing it was a pure excuse. He knew Andrew better to believe in his deadpanned practiced sentences.
“You’re right. I flew all the way to hear to see if Sir was doing okay. Actually, I should go to check on her right now”
Neil pulled gently at Andrew by his pajamas’ shirt when he made the motion of stand up.
“I just…never wanted to assume anything. I’m happy with whatever you want us to be”
Andrew seemed to think a little longer after Neil’s words. Eyes looking to a corner and fingers tip toeing on his thigh. Neil felt a wave of affection when he noticed his fingernails were painted with black nail polish. He remembered the care with which he painted them every Friday before leaving for Columbia.
“We kiss, we cuddle” Andrew punctuated each word with a tap of his index and middle fingers, first on his leg and then on Neil’s, a little above his knee. “We call, we share custody of two demon cats, we calm each other and know each other.”
“And that is” Neil completed “what boyfriends do.”
“Finally connected two dots, Josten. I’m amazed.”
Neil shut him up with a slow kiss, Andrew responded to it immediately, his fingers on his bare leg changing to an open-hand grasp. Neil leaned more into the kiss and let Andrew's hands guide him, which ended with him sitting on the other’s lap. Andrew rested his hands on his thighs, squeezing them experimentally to get a reaction. Neil complied, obviously, his mouth opening on a gasp.
“I want to live with you” Neil heard himself saying between slow kisses.
“Does horniness make you forget we play for exy teams from different states?”
“I mean, once we’re able to”
Andrew's unimpressed gaze made him feel a little self conscious.
“You’re really dense” The other says at last “What part of we are boyfriends you don’t understand?”
“Maybe if you said it more often I could get akin to the idea” He said, lifting his look to Andrew’s eyes and making the gesture of putting a strand of gold hair behind his ear. Andrew's hair wasn’t really messed up, like his was for sure, but he needed the touch to ground himself.
“My stupid boyfriend needs to know I’m too tired to fulfill all his whimsies, since today I woke up at 5 AM to fly to my boyfriend’s home and I'd been waiting for twenty minutes on my boyfriend’s bed for my boyfriend to come to sleep with me.”
“Mmm your boyfriend sounds like a terrible person” he said with a smile which Andrew kissed immediately, but before giving him the opportunity to deep the kiss he pushed him with a hand on his chest to then stand up and head to the room.
He doesn’t need to turn around to know Andrew is following him. They both lie on the bed, with Sir at their feet and their hands laced together between their heads. They both fall asleep looking at each other.