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I have nightmares each week about that Friday in May
One phone call from you and my entire world was changed
Trust that you betrayed
Confusion that still lingers
You took everything I loved and crushed it in between your fingers
It’s embarrassing how something as simple as taking away Robin gave him frequent nightmares. It's stupid. So stupid. He felt every part of his body freeze when he saw Damian in his suit. Dick had called him over. Tim decided to respond after ignoring the first few hundred calls. All it took was answering one stupid phone call for his entire world to change. He regrets it to this day. Because maybe if he hadn’t responded, he could have avoided the utter betrayal and confusion Tim felt. Maybe he wouldn’t have had to see the only person who didn’t seem to hate him take everything he loved, everything he was, and crush it in between his fingers like it was nothing.
And I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did
But I hold on to every detail like my life depends on it
My undying love, now I hold it like a grudge
And I hear your voice every time that I think I'm not enough
And Tim did it. Tim brought Bruce back. Tim went through hell and back for nothing more than a pat on the back. And Dick continued on as if stripping him of the only thing he had was nothing. As if he could just continue playing big brother and ignore everything that happened. It's funny really. He doubts Dick really thinks about the damage that he did. How much pain he really caused Tim. Because he holds on to every detail like his life depends on it. His every waking moment spent going over what he did for Dick to possibly decide the boy who tried to murder him repeatedly was worth more of his attention than Tim. And he hates it. He hates it all. That his love for his brother will never die, no matter what he does. No matter how fiercely he holds it like a grudge. Now Dick is just another addition to the voices he hears when he thinks he’s not enough.
And I try to be tough, but I wanna scream
How could anybody do the things you did so easily?
And I say I don't care, I say that I'm fine
But you know I can't let it go
I've tried, I've tried, I've tried for so long
It takes strength to forgive, but I don't feel strong
Tim tries to be tough. He really does. He puts on his best smile and goes on like everything’s fine, even when all he wants to do is scream. Scream at the world. Scream at his dead parents. Scream at his brother. He doesn’t understand, not really. Dick knew what it felt like. He knew what it felt like to have Robin taken away from you, to feel replaced. Tim tells himself he doesn’t care. He's fine. But he knows Dick can sense the tension. He knows that Dick can feel it’s not the same anymore. Tim has tried, and tried, and tried for so fucking long, and he still can’t seem to let it go. Maybe he should just forgive Dick, finally have this weird tango come to an end. But that takes strength, and Tim doesn’t feel very strong.
The arguments that I have won against you in my head
In the shower, in the car and in the mirror before bed
Yeah, I'm so tough when I'm alone and I make you feel so guilty
And I fantasize about a time you're a little fucking sorry
Tim goes over all the arguments he won against Dick about Robin in his head every day. In the shower, in the car, in the mirror before bed. That he’s still useful. That he can be good. That they’re not equal. That he needs Robin. That he needs his brother. He knows what Dick thinks. Oh Tim Drake? Well he’s always been independent, he can handle himself. Tim is so tough when he’s alone. And maybe Tim wants him to feel guilty for leaving alone a child that’s only ever known the people he loves to walk out the door. He fantasizes about a time where Dick would feel just a little fucking sorry.
And I try to understand why you would do this all to me
You must be insecure, you must be so unhappy
And I know in my heart hurt people hurt people
And we both drew blood, but, man, those cuts were never equal
Tim really tries to understand why Dick would do this all to him. A logical part of him knows Dick was insecure of the role of Batman suddenly thrusted on him. A part of him knows Dick was unhappy. He sees how hard this was for him. Stepping up to be a father figure for Damian after losing his own own father. He knows they both drew blood. He knows it couldn’t have been easy for Dick, especially with the addition of Tim going crazy on him. He knows he was just adding to Dick’s never ending list of stress. But those cuts were never equal. He didn’t need to tell every person who he thought could help him that Tim was some psycho two seconds away from becoming a villain. He didn’t have to treat him like he should be thrown to Arkham.
Ooh, do you think I deserved it all?
Ooh, your flower's filled with vitriol
You built me up to watch me fall
You have everything and you still want more
He wonders if Dick thinks he deserved this, that he needed to feel this hurt like never before. Using flowery language as if he didn’t execute his actions in vitriol. Dick was the first person who ever showed him any kindness. His parents and Bruce wanted nothing to do with Tim. Bruce was too ridden with grief and never had time for him after Jason came back. Jason and Damian already hated his guts. Cass had disappeared now, leaving him behind. Steph was busy wearing a new mask, thriving in the city Tim was pushed out of. Even Babs looked at him like he was a problem to be solved. But Dick…he was the one who was supposed to stay. He had wanted to spend time with Tim. To take him out for ice cream and stay over for movie nights. He was the one who brought the others together. He made Tim feel like part of a family, not just a team. He would never admit it, but with his parents’ constant absence and Bruce suffocating with grief, Dick was his only pillar of light. He built him up from what would have otherwise been a darker time in his life. Tim’s best memories were with Dick. He would tell him he did a good job as Robin, that he would have made Jason proud. All to rip it away and watch him fall when it was most convenient. He still doesn’t understand. Dick has Bruce's unconditional love, no matter how many arguments they get into. Dick still had Jason's support, even when he wanted nothing more but to slit Bruce's throat. Dick even had Damian's trust, despite the boy being conditioned to distrust everyone around him. Dick had everything Tim could ever want. He even had Tim's unwavering loyalty, which seemed to mean nothing since Dick still wanted more.
I try to be tough, I try to be mean
But even after all this, you're still everything to me
And I know you don't care, I guess that that's fine
But you know I can't let it go
I've tried, I've tried, I've tried for so long
It takes strength to forgive, but I'm not quite sure I'm there yet
It takes strength to forgive, but
He hates this feeling. It manifests into something ugly, wrenching at Tim’s heart. He tries to be tough, even trying to be meaner during patrol to really hammer it in. But somehow, in some way, regardless of all the pain, Dick is still everything to him. He knows Dick doesn’t care, of course he doesn’t when he has a new little brother to care of. And Tim guesses that’s fine. It’s fine that he still can’t let go no matter how many times he’s tried. Tried and tried for so long to build that strength, to finally forgive Dick for something he hasn't even apologized for. He doesn’t know when that strength will come. Or if it ever will.