Chapter Text
She missed him. Like— a lot. More than she had any right to.
It'd been more than three weeks since she returned from Sacramento and things with Tim were almost non-existent.
Are you trying to get rid of me as your go-fer?
She had asked before leaving. Turned out, he not only wanted to get rid of her as his aide, but also as his… whatever she had been.
Their UC op and her decision to invite him to her apartment, giving in to her impulses, cost her their friendship.
Lucy had been aware of her feelings for a while, she had loved Tim for much longer than she could admit to herself. The main reason she didn't confess her love to him was because she was too afraid of ruining their relationship.
Now that there wasn't any relationship to ruin, she might as well let it all out. In this way, at least the weight on her chest, the lump in her throat that formed every time she saw him, could disappear.
So instead of leaving the station immediately when her shift ended, she paced back and forth in the parking lot, thinking about what to say to him.
Hey, so I've been thinking about us and I think we need to talk. Wanna grab a coffee?
Hi, your girlfriend is an idiot, you should leave her.
You've been acting so strange, man. What's wrong with you?
Every explanation and question sounded dumb. She needed a solid plan, a memorized speech. Improvisation would only make things worse.
Hell, she was about to collapse to the ground from adrenaline even before she saw him.
She just needed to find the right words.
“Why is it so hard!” She spat, kicking the trash can next to her.
What Lucy hadn't anticipated was that hitting the metal trash can at full speed would cause her foot to get hurt terribly.
“Ouch!”
As if she didn't have enough problems already, the sharp pain in her toes had completely disrupted her concentration.
“Fuck you!” She muttered against the sky.
Oh it hurts bad.
“You okay?”
Fuck me.
Tim was standing right in front of her, with a worried look on his face.
He hadn't come out for about two hours while she was waiting in this stupid parking lot, and now he had decided to come out at the most inopportune time?
The universe must hate her so bad.
“Lucy?” Tim tried again.
She took a deep breath, fearfully lifted her head from her feet, and her eyes met Tim's.
What she wanted to say to him again?
“I love you.” The words slipped from her before she could stop them.
Oh my god.
“Oh my god,” she whispered, horrified and relieved and breathless all at once. “Did I— that actually came out, didn’t it? You heard that? You heard that.”
Tim stood still.
Okay, maybe he didn't hear that.
Meanwhile, Lucy could feel panic swelling in her stomach, then rising into her throat but instead of swallowing it back like she had hundreds of times before, something in her cracked open wider. Because the words were out now, and the world hadn’t ended, and that meant she could just keep going.
Right?
“I love you.” She repeated. “I just— I just love you and I've been telling myself that it's—”
She took a shaky breath.
She was really doing it.
Wow.
“I’ve been trying so hard to let it go,” she admitted, her voice trembling but relentless now, “to convince myself it was temporary or imagined or something I could grow out of if I just focused on work or other people long enough. I thought if I buried it deep enough and ignored every instinct inside me, it would fade. Because I am terrified, Tim— terrified of what this means and terrified of what it could destroy.”
Terrified of destroying their friendship because these days, it was all she had. Losing Tim would be the ruination of her. She couldn't let it happen. But she couldn't stop talking either.
Was it too late to say it was a prank? That it was another test to prove herself capable of UC work?
I think it's a little bit too late for that.
Tim blinked repeatedly, maybe he too was trying to understand if it was reality or a shared imagination, but he still didn’t speak, didn’t move toward her or away from her.
He just stood there. Like a stupid, handsome statue.
“Chris is decent enough and you said it yourself, he loves me.” She said, nodding and approving her own words. “He really loves me. And he communicates and listens and we don’t push each other’s buttons and we don’t fight. And he doesn't have an ex wife who occasionally shows up and triggers my insecurities because she's just so pretty and unforgettable!”
She shook her head.
She probably shouldn't have brought up Isabel like this but Pandora's box was already open. There was no turning back from this.
“And even though I’m not exactly ready, he makes plans, real plans and sees a future with me that actually makes sense on paper.”
Lucy let out a hysterical laugh.
I can't believe I’m really doing this.
“But it was never gonna work out! Because I love you. Tim, I am so in love with you.”
She slapped her forehead with her palm, scolding herself for stuttering so much, and the sound echoed in the empty parking lot. But she just needed to let it all out.
“You're— you're in me. All the time! It's like you're a disease.” She laughed, trying to wash away embarrassment. “It’s like there’s some incurable condition called Tim Bradford and I got it the moment we met, and every time I think I’m finally, finally healing after all these years, you walk into the room and every symptom comes back twice as strong.”
She swallowed once and kept going.
“And the thing is— I don’t want to be cured.” She said. “All I want is you.”
She took several quick breaths in quick succession, but her heart rate only continued to quicken and become erratic.
Was she having a heart attack?
She wouldn't mind it, if it was going to prevent her showing up at work tomorrow and save her from the walk of shame.
“I can't think about anything or anybody and I can't sleep. Sometimes I can't even breathe when I imagine her, lying next to you. Touching and loving you and sleeping in your bed. Petting our dog. I can't bear it!”
She shook her head, a traitorous tear escaping her glassy eyes.
“Because I know that she doesn't love you in the way I do. Crap, I don't think anyone can love you in the way I do.”
Lucy saw adam's apple move on his throat and if she wasn't imagining it, his left hand trembled slightly.
“I love you so much. I love you all the time, just every minute of every day. And I think you love—”
“Tim?” A voice interrupted her.
Ashley.
“Hey, Lucy.” She looked at her, an uncomfortable look on her face. She turned to Tim without saying anything. “I thought you'd be in the car by now. You ready?”
Ashley didn’t wait for an answer. She simply stepped closer and slipped her hand around Tim’s forearm and led him to his truck.
What made Lucy feel like she'd been punched in the gut wasn't Ashley suddenly appearing and interrupting the most honest, and embarrassing too, conversation Lucy had ever had. No, Ashley didn't have the power to hurt her like that.
It was the brutal fact that Tim was able to walk away from her without giving a second glance at her. He didn't say anything, yes or no. He didn't get awkward and say it was all in her head and she should take the words back. But he didn't accept her heart either. She almost cut herself wide open in front of him and all he did was walk away.
Why did it feel like someone was holding and squeezing her heart?
She stayed still for a moment longer, long enough to hear the distant click of the truck doors unlocking, long enough to see Tim reach the drivers side and hesitate for a second but then Ashley was leaning past him and opening the door herself, and that was that.
Lucy swallowed, tasting something metallic and disgusting, and by the time the truck turned over, she forced herself to turn away before she could see them pull out of the parking lot together.
Her feet felt like concrete as she moved toward her own car, each step shaky and painfully loud in her head, like her bones were rattling inside her body. It was as if his silence started a wild fire in her.
She took out her keys with trembling fingers and nearly dropped them twice before she managed to get the door open, and the moment she slid inside and closed it behind her, the thin thread of control she’d been pretending to have snapped cleanly in half.
A vague sob tore itself loose and Lucy covered her mouth with both hands as if she could somehow hold it in, but more followed, spilling out messy and tinged with disbelief. The humiliation sat heavy in her stomach, thick and poisonous, because she had said everything —every secret, every pathetic truth she'd been keeping to herself— and he had just stood there like she was a stranger handing him bad news. She didn’t even know if being rejected outright would have been worse; at least rejection was an answer.
But this? This was a pure humiliation ritual.
She needed to get out of this place.
Trying to keep her hands steady, she started the car and left the parking lot. But the tears kept streaming down her face, flushed with embarrassment.
Even opening the window to get some air was no use. The burning in her throat and stomach didn't lessen, and her searing tears didn't stop.
How could he do this? How could the man who held her gently all these years, trained and protected her, leave her hanging like this? How could he walk away from her and her feelings as if she meant nothing to him?
Was he burdened with her feelings? Was she too much?
“Idiot,” she muttered under her breath. “Idiot!”
She'd been the biggest idiot. For thinking it was more than friendship and maybe physical attraction for him.
He didn't love her. Hell, he probably didn't even like her.
He loved Ashley. He wanted her.
Didn't he say it himself before taking her to vacation in Hawaii? She asked him if he could see himself being married to her. His answer was yes, he could imagine himself living happily ever after with Ashley. Not with Lucy. With Ashley. Only ever with her.
Did Lucy even have a chance against her? Her and her blonde hair, blue eyes that resembled too much of Isabel's?
With that, she was sure her sobbings would never end.
She couldn’t stop imagining them; Ashley sliding into the passenger seat and touching Tim’s leg, Ashley leaning into his shoulder, Ashley laughing with her head thrown back, like she had every right to be in that space, like Lucy hadn’t just offered up her heart like a sacrifice in the parking lot.
Them lying in bed, side by side. On the sheets she helped Tim pick out on their day off. And Kojo right next to them, letting Ashley pet himself.
Life-stealing bitch.
He was her dog. Their dog! Not Ashley's. God, she didn't even like dogs. What right did she have to steal him away? Steal Tim away?
But then again, who was she fooling? He'd never been Lucy's anyway.
It didn't make it hurt less.
“Basic biology,” she'd said in Vegas. It was a petty lie. But apparently this lie was Tim's reality.
If Chris wasn't bleeding out on her couch, she and Tim would have sex and it would only be for a momentary pleasure for him. Now, he clearly felt guilty because they had come so close to doing it.
Wasn't his guilt the reason he sent her off to Sacramento? Then even after she came back, he'd already started riding with Aaron and showed absolutely no sign that he wanted her back. She should have kept her mouth shut and acted as if nothing had happened, just like Tim did.
Lucy's greed, her belief that they could have something more than friendship, had swept away even the last crumbs of Tim that Ashley had left.
Stupid girl.
Their relationship had been strange ever since she returned from Sacramento— they didn't even have coffee together during breaks anymore. And two days ago, when the whole group was supposed to get together at Nolan's house, he'd found an excuse not to show up. Lucy was almost entirely certain it was because of her.
Even before Lucy confessed her love for him, the guy was so avoidant; who knows what he would do now to avoid seeing her now?
By the time she pulled into her spot, her face was damp and her heart felt like it had been hollowed out with a dull spoon. She rested her forehead against the steering wheel, eyes squeezed shut, trying to breathe through the ache pounding through her chest.
She tried to relax but all she could think —over and over, in a loop that hit harder every time— was that she had finally jumped off the cliff she’d been standing on for months, and Tim had just watched her fall.
Okay, maybe she was just overreacting.
It's not like he owed her anything. He didn't! She was just a fool that misinterpreted things.
And now, her toe was hurting too.
Eventually, she forced herself to leave the car and get in her apartment.
Tamara was staying at a friend's house today for an assignment, so the house was completely empty. No one could see her cry.
Tim's house probably wasn't empty. He was perhaps cuddling with his girlfriend after his long shift.
Or maybe they had a late night date, eating at the most romantic restaurant in LA and talking about how weird Lucy had been.
“Stop being dramatic, Chen.” Lucy whispered to herself. “Stop it.”
She stripped off her clothes with trembling hands, leaving it in a heap on the bathroom floor. She turned the handle until the water was scalding, hoping it would burn away the memory of tonight.
It probably wouldn't but it was worth the shot.
While waiting for the bathtub to fill, she returned to the kitchen and picked up the wine bottle from the counter.
Okay maybe she had been a fool to think he might love her back but did he really need to stand there and leave without saying anything?
She didn't expect a full explanation or a love confession —okay, she actually did but it's not important anymore— but he could at least tell her goodbye! Or maybe “let's talk in the morning” or anything. Anything except for the brutal silence that put a knife through her heart.
Perhaps he would have said something if that sneaky snake hadn't come. Perhaps he would be with her right now.
She had never known herself capable of hating another woman as much as she hated Ashley right now. This much resentment and anger didn't suit her at all. She was better than talking shit about a woman just because she was with the man Lucy was in love with.
But she just couldn't help herself.
Whenever she saw her bright golden hair, her eyes bluer than the ocean, and most of all, her hands in Tim's hands, she felt nauseated with jealousy.
It should've been her. Not Ashley.
She didn't love him like Lucy did. And certainly didn't know him like Lucy did.
For heaven's sake, she was recently planning to surf with him at the beach until Tim intervened and vehemently rejected the idea.
She had only taken a few sips from the bottle when her phone rang, and she grumbled as she reached for it.
Couldn't they just leave her alone?
But she frowned when she realized it was Lopez. The detective wasn't the type to call her late at night to chitchat. It must be important or work related.
“Hey, what's up?” Lucy answered the call.
Please don't give me bad news, please.
“Hey, sorry for bothering you so late at night but it's important.” Angela said. “Got a minute or so?”
Please don't say someone died.
Lucy nodded even though she knew the detective couldn't see it. “Yeah, sure.”
“As we suspected, Jake and Sava haven't been idle. A new deal is unfolding at the Mexican border.” She explained and Lucy immediately knew that it would be a pain in her ass.
Lopez calling her late at night and talking about these two, only meant one thing. She needed to go undercover again. With Tim. Who she just confessed her love to. Who just walked away from her, with his gorgeous girlfriend next to him.
Just when she thought things couldn't get any worse tonight.
She could hear the detective speaking in the background, but she couldn't focus.
There was no point in trying to postpone the inevitable. She still wasn't where she should have been in her career. She'd been suddenly dismissed from her position as a sergeant's aide, and she was afraid people would think it was because of her incompetence or something.
She did not have the luxury of rejecting any UC work right now.
Using Chris or Tamara as an excuse would only make her look ridiculously weak. As a woman of color, she was questioned enough. She couldn't do that.
“Lucy?” Angela called. “Are you still there?”
She let out a shaky breath and closed her eyes. “Yeah, sorry. I’m here.”
“Great.” She replied. “Let's talk about the details in the morning. Is that okay?”
“Sure.”
“Okay, see you soon.”
The call ended and Lucy reached for the bottle again.
Shaking her head, she left the kitchen and went back to the bathroom. The bathtub was almost overflowing. She placed the bottle right next to her and got inside.
The water burned her skin a little but she couldn't complain, it was exactly what she needed.
She shouldn't have waited for him. As soon as her shift ended, she should have left the station and locked away everything she wanted to say deep in her heart, never to be opened again.
Everything was ruined. Everything. All because she couldn't deal with her stupid feelings. She wasn't a highschool teenager, why did she keep acting like one?
How the hell was she supposed to look him in the eye tomorrow? Would he try to confront her or would he simply pretend nothing ever happened?
God, I hope he doesn't say anything.
And what about Ashley? How much of the conversation had she heard? Had she been there from the beginning? Were Tim and she arguing because of her right now? Or was Tim reassuring her, telling her not to worry, that Lucy's feelings were unrequited?
But then again, were they really unrequited?
He was the one who wanted to talk about their kisses in the first place and he was obviously weirded out a bit when she brushed it off, saying it was basic biology.
Basic biology my ass.
Maybe instead of acting cowardly and lying that night, she should have behaved maturely and expressed her feelings. Things wouldn't have become so complicated then.
Okay maybe they would because they were in the middle of an operation.
“Ughh!”
She slid down into the bathtub until the water closed over her head.