Chapter Text
Changbin impatiently fiddles with the glass in his hand. Where the fuck are the others?
He tries to look for them from where he’s standing, at the very edge of the room, rolls to his tiptoes to get a better view, but he doesn’t spot any of his members. They’re at some stupid, boring gala and Changbin wants to go home. He’s tried to pay attention to the small talk people kept trying to get him into, but all of these words just went straight to one ear and out the other. Cause none of them actually mean what they say. They just want to be polite.
So at one point, when the others had left him – or had he accidentally left them? – he had grabbed himself a glass of champagne from one of the trays a staff was carrying around and went to hide here, between some – were those supposed to be palm trees?
He knows, logically, that he’d have better chances finding the others if he’d go out there, pressed into the space between all of these people – god, why’s there always so many people – but he isn’t quite ready to give up on his spot, hidden from the meaningless small talk. Trying to make this whole evening at least a little bit more endurable, he takes a sip from his glass and scrunches his face immediately. It tastes like shit. Of course it tastes like shit. But because he can’t be picky right now, and maybe because he’s a little bit desperate, he dips the glass and empties it in one go, a shudder running down his spine.
When Changbin finally does spot someone, he is surprised to see Han Jisung walking towards him, or his hiding spot probably, he doesn’t think Jisung knows he’s here. Changbin stares at him and he would have been more than glad to see a familiar face if not for Jisung’s panicked look. He realizes now that Jisung is rather running than walking, and he’s looking back every few seconds, like he’s being chased.
“Jisung!”, Changbin calls out and steps forward.
When Jisung finally sees him, his face shifts into a relieved smile and he jogs the few meters towards him, hot and breathless. “Oh thank god”, he pants, as he tries to cool down, one hand on his knee, the other on Changbin’s shoulder.
“You okay?”, Changbin asks and gives him a once over.
But Jisung doesn’t listen. He looks over his shoulder once again, seeing something Changbin doesn’t and the next second, he’s being pushed against the wall, the air leaving his lungs at the impact.
“I need you to kiss me”, Jisung commands.
Changbin stares at him, trying to make sense of the words. Is he dreaming? “What?”, he manages too late, a little bit breathless, blinking rapidly.
“Just kiss me… please?” Jisung pleads with big puppy eyes.
Changbin opens his mouth, brain still not catching up, and he wants to say something like absolutely not, I will not kiss you here, but the words are caught in his throat, when Jisung reaches out for his cheek, gently stroking it. He looks desperate and kind of panicked. “Please, hyung?”
And well… Changbin will blame the alcohol later or maybe the fact that he would do anything for the man in front of him, but he pushes that thought to very back of his mind.
He leans forward, cups Jisung’s face and kisses him without any further hesitation. Jisung makes a startled noise and Changbin freezes, just a little, panics, because oh god, he had fucked it up, he’d misunderstood. But then Jisung moves a little and pushes him a little harder against the wall and all doubts vanish. Changbin sinks into the kiss, opens his mouth just a little against the younger’s lips, bites down gently and Jisung lets out a soft moan. Changbin swallows it, his stomach doing a little swoop, and he wishes he could savor this feeling forever. He suddenly has the urge to explore every inch of Jisung’s body, so he starts by sneaking his hands under his crop top, putting them on his small waist. He feels Jisung shudder under the touch and fuck, he’s going to go insane.
He breaks the kiss and leans back, to catch his breath, watches in pleasure, how Jisung is chasing after his lips. “Desperate, aren’t we?”, he hums, before he dives back in, not giving Jisung the chance for a comeback.
They are interrupted by someone clearing their throat behind them and they startle, practically flying in different directions. Changbin immediately feels the loss of Jisung’s warmth, and it takes him a while to realize who is standing in front of them now. What he sees first, though, is the panic in Jisung’s eyes and it makes his heart clench painfully. He thinks whoever he’s going to face can’t make this worse.
“What the fuck are you doing?”, Chan hisses and Changin’s immediately proven wrong. His heart sinks to his stomach. Fuck. He knows they’ve messed up, because there is nothing left of the usual warmth in Chan’s voice. His tone is cold and his eyes are storming with rage.
And he doesn’t know what to tell him. Chan had obviously seen what they were doing, so it was of no use to deny it. Changbin glances at Jisung. He’s fiddling with his hand, looking nervously at the ground and biting his lips. It takes every willpower in Changbin to not keep staring at those red, kiss swollen lips, thinking about how not minutes ago those lips were between his teeth and fuck, he should not be feeling this.
He forces himself to look at Chan, who’s still standing there, eyebrows furrowed and Changbin suddenly feels defensive.
“I-“, he starts. “I mean, we… We were just…”
His train of thought is lost, when Chan just grabs their wrists firmly and leads them away. They slip through a door to an empty hallway. The air feels heavy and only then, the panic bubbles up in Changbin. His mind is running a mile a minute. So, what if they’ve been kissing? There’s nothing wrong with kissing a friend, right? Unless… But Changbin doesn’t want to go there. He doesn't want to think about his leader, the one he looks up to, potentially being homophobic. Because what other reason was there to be mad?
Chan shoves them into an empty room and places himself in front of them.
“Look”, he says with an exhausted sigh, pinching his nose with his pointer finger and thumb. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really glad you finally figured out your shit. But did it have to be in public?”
Figured out their shit? Changbin thought. What was there to figure out? He scrunches his face in confusion. He doesn’t quite catch the implication behind those words.
“Channie-hyung” Jisung’s voice is quiet and trembling and Changbin’s heart kind of breaks.
“Don’t ‘Channie-hyung’ me right now. What the fuck were you thinking?” Chan is seriously mad. “We are in public for god’s sake. What if someone saw or worse, took a picture? What are we going to do then? Have you even once thought of the consequences of this?”
Realization slowly settles in Changbin’s brain. That what they’ve done could cause a scandal to their band. That they’ve kissed in front of hundreds of people.
“We were behind a tree”, he tries a weak argument, and he feels like a little kid being scolded by their parent.
“If I could see you, I’m sure as hell at least a dozen other people could as well. Are you aware of what that means? Not just to you, but to the entire band?”
“I’m sorry”, Jisung says quietly. “I wasn’t thinking, I-“
“Cleary”, Chan scoffs, but his gaze softens when he sees him sneaking a hand into Changbin’s.
Changbin pretends that his heart doesn’t skip a beat, that his mind doesn’t wander to the way Jisung’s hands were on his body before, that this is completely normal.
Chan let’s out a big breath. “I’m sorry”, he says. “I shouldn’t have… I want you to know that I fully support your relationship. I do. But you couldn’t have picked a worse place for your make out session.”
Changbin frowns. “We’re not-“, he starts, but Jisung is squeezing his hand and when he looks at him, the younger slightly shakes his head, so Changbin shuts up. He doesn’t exactly know why. What kind of game they’re playing here. Hell, he doesn’t even know why they kissed in the first place. But he keeps quiet, hopes that Jisung will have an explanation and hopes that it won’t be one that’ll break his heart.
It’s awkward after this. Chan lets them leave the event early, but now the three of them are huddled together in Changbin and Hyunjin’s shared hotel room. They’re anxiously scrolling through their phones, waiting for photos to pop up on the internet. Obviously, it’s of no use, they all know that they can’t do anything about it in case there’s actually photos, but none of them can keep still right now.
Chan hasn’t told the others about the incident and Changbin is secretly glad about it. He doesn’t want to make them panic or worry. It’s enough to see Jisung anxiously trembling beside him. And he can’t seem to shake the feeling that there’s more to it. That Jisung is not telling the entire truth.
The door beeps and Hyunjin stumbles inside. He stops short at the sight of Chan and Jisung in his room. “What are you doing here?”, he asks. “I thought you wanted to go to bed early.”
And then, when his eyes drift over the three of them his brows furrow. “What happened?”
“Ask those two shitheads”, Chan answers grimly and points to the bed.
Hyunjin raises an eyebrow. “What did you do?”
When Jisung doesn’t answer, Changbin nervously fidgets with his hands. “We, uhh... we kind of… kissed”, he chokes out and he deliberately doesn’t look at Jisung, isn’t ready to see the reaction on his face. He thinks this would be the perfect moment to explain that there’s nothing more to it, that they just kissed. Because Jisung… yeah, why exactly had Jisung wanted to kiss?
Hyunjin stares at them for a moment, eyes going from Jisung to Changbin and back, his mouth falling open in shock. But before Changbin can try to explain anything, he breaks out into a wide grin. “You finally confessed?”, he practically shouts. “It was about time, damn!”
To say that Changbin is dumbfounded is the understatement of the century. First Chan and his implication and now Hyunjin? What was wrong with them? He and Jisung weren’t… They weren’t… anything.
Chan scoffs from where he’s seated on an armchair. “In public”, he adds and Hyunjin’s smile falls immediately. “Oh shit.”
Hyunjin sits down on the floor, opposite to the bed, leaning against the wall. “Has anyone seen?”, he asks, worry in his voice.
“Yeah, me”, Chan says and pulls a face. “And I really wish I could delete that picture out of my brain. And I also hope that no one else saw and that I was quick enough to break them off.”
“You had to break them off?”, Hyunjin asks and Changbin can practically hear the smirk on his face. “So, it was a proper makeout session? Didn’t know you’ve had it in you, Seo Changbin.”
“Ugh”, Changbin groans and buries his face in his hands. “Can you shut the fuck up?”
“Someone has to lighten the mood. I’m really glad though. You both deserve each other.”
Changbin notices that Jisung has been awfully quiet for far too long and when he turns sideways, he sees him biting his nails, still staring at his phone. “Hey”, he says softly and naturally, without thinking twice, he takes Jisung’s hand in his, intertwines their fingers and places them on Jisung’s thigh to stop it from bouncing. “It’s going to be okay.”
Jisung looks at him with his big dark eyes, filled with a mix of emotions Changbin can’t quite read. In this moment, Changbin thinks he would do anything, just so the man next to him would smile again. And oh god, he hadn’t realized how far gone he was for Han Jisung.
Jisung gulps and just for the faintest second, Changbin might have been imagining it, his eyes flick to his lips and Changbin’s heart stumbles. He wants to reach over and kiss that stupid frown off of Jisung’s face, until they both forget every word in every language, he wants to-
“God”, Hyunjin groans and Changbin snaps back to reality. “This is disgusting. I take back everything I said. They’re going to be insufferable.”
Changbin really means to talk to Jisung about all of this. But they’re never alone.
With Hyunjin knowing about them, news spread fast and soon the rest of the band knows as well. They take it surprisingly well; everyone is just relieved that there haven’t been any leaks of the kiss online.
You might think that with them thinking they’re in a relationship, they would give them some space, to do some talking or whatever people in a relationship do, but all it does is that they keep pestering him about Jisung, asking him questions he can’t answer, because they don’t let him talk to Jisung and he also has as much a clue of what is going on as all of them.
Which is why he needs to talk to Jisung. It’s been almost a week since their kiss and it’s not like they’ve avoided each other. It’s been quite normal actually. They argue like usual just that sometimes they’ll cuddle or Jisung will grab his hand. Changbin doesn’t know what to think of any of that.
This is how he finds himself storming to Jisung and Minho’s dorm in the middle of the night. No one answers when he rings the bell and he’s ready to kick down their door, when it suddenly swings open and he’s faced with a pissed off Minho. “Do you know what time it is?”
Changbin ignores him. “Is Jisung here?”, he asks instead.
Minho sighs and rolls his eyes. “Of course you came to see him, why am I even surprised?” He points down the hallway. “He’s in his room and all yours. I’m gonna put on some noise cancelling headphones, just so you know, but please still keep it quiet.”
Changbin feels the heat creeping up his face. “I’m not- we’re not”, he stutters.
“I don’t want to hear.” Minho retreats to his room, but he lingers for a moment. “If you hurt him, I’m going to kill you, Seo Changbin.” And with that he shuts the door.
Changbin takes off his shoes and jacket and then he hesitates a moment before he knocks on Jisung’s door. He hears a quiet “Come in” and after taking a deep breath, hoping his face is not as red as it feels, he steps inside.
Jisung is sitting at his desk, with headphones only over one ear and he looks at him surprised. “Oh, hi”, he says. “I didn’t expect you.”
“Yeah”, Changbin says awkwardly and he feels a little bit lost.
Jisung takes his headphones off and gestures to his bed. “You can sit there.”
“Right, yeah”
There’s a weird silence between them and Changbin hopes it won’t always feel like this from now on when they’re alone. He wants them back to their teasing and comfortable selves.
“I think”, he starts. “we should talk.”
“Yeah” Jisung is looking everywhere but at him.
Changbin think’s he won’t get any braver than right now, so he just blurts out: “Why did you kiss me?”
“Well technically I didn’t kiss you, because you…” He trails off when Changbin glares at him.
“Jisung”
“Yeah?”
“I kind of been faking our relationship for almost a week and I think I deserve to know why we’re doing this.”
“We haven’t actually told anyone that we’re dating, so I’m not sure if it counts as fake dating”
“Jisung-ah!”
“Sorry”
Changbin lets out a sigh and grabs one of Jisung’s plushies, because he needs something to do with his hands. “I just. I promise I’m not mad. I just… want to know what’s going on. So, why did you ask me to kiss you?”
“You were the first person I saw and I needed a distraction.”
Oh. Changbin’s heart sinks. He should not feel disappointed. He knows they’re just friends and that’s how it’s supposed to be, but it still hurts.
Jisung seems to see his face fall and he scrambles. “No, hyung, it’s not like that. I-“ He bites his lip. “There was this guy at the gala, and he was asking me all these questions and didn’t leave me alone. And I was trying to escape, but then he was following me and I don’t know, I think I panicked? I have no idea why my brain thought kissing was the best way to avoid the situation, I know it was stupid and I know I shouldn’t have-“
“Jisung”, Changbin interrupts again and he is filled with fury. “Why didn’t you tell me? Who was that guy, did he harass you?”
“He didn’t touch me or anything. It’s no big deal. He was just weird. Tried to ask me out I think and didn’t accept when I said ‘no’.”
Changbin wants to stand up and pull Jisung into a hug so badly. He doesn’t though, cause the awkwardness is not quite gone yet and he’s not sure if Jisung would want that. “That is harassing”, he says instead.
“No, it’s not that bad…”
“Would you have run away if it wasn’t?”
Jisung opens his mouth and closes it again. Changbin can see the tears forming in his eyes and his heart clenches. “Come here”, he says and pats on the empty space next to him.
Jisung’s head snaps up in surprise, wide eyes on him, a question forming. “You’re not…”
Changbin sighs. “I told you I’m not mad, now come here, before I take it back.”
Jisung scrambles to his feet, sits down next to Changbin and pulls up his legs. Slowly, still hesitating, he leans his head on Changbin’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner”, Jisung sniffles.
Changbin wants to lean in closer, wants to indulge in his warmth and he has to will himself to not move, to not make this more awkward than it already is. “I’m sorry you had to go through this alone”, he whispers.
They fall silent again and Changbin thinks about the way he’s going to ask his next question. He opts for the direct way. “One more question”, he says. “But why didn’t you let me explain to Chan that we’re not a couple?”
Jisung freezes beside him. “I’m sorry”, he says instantly. Changbin hates how Jisung always feels the need to apologize for everything.
“Don’t be”, he responds. “I just want to know. Because it’s been kind of hard to not answer all of the questions the others had.”
“I didn’t want to upset Chan even more. And he was already kind of assuming so I thought why not just play along.”
Changbin can’t argue with that. “We should probably tell them the truth”, he states anyway.
Jisung looks up at him. “Can we wait a bit longer?”, he asks. “I don’t want to tell them yet.”
Changbin’s heart skips a beat once again. And for once, he doesn’t think about how this is the stupidest thing he’s ever done, or about how unnecessary all of it is. He’s taking every crumb of Han Jisung he can get, as selfish as that might be. And he doesn’t think about how this is bound to end in disaster.
“So”, Changbin says after a while. “Fake boyfriend of mine. How exactly are we going to do this?”
Jisung looks up from where he’s still sitting next to Changbin, head on his shoulder. “What do you mean?”, he asks.
“We can’t avoid the others forever. They’re gonna keep questioning us and we need to tell them at least something. Like, when did we get together? Who confessed, how long did we have feelings for each other, when did we have time to form this relationship?”
“Oh, that’s easy.” There’s a grin forming on Jisung’s face and Changbin knows he’s not going to like what’s coming. “You’ve been pining for me since an eternity and were too stupid to pick up on all the signs I gave you until I had to get matters into my own hands and walked up to you a few weeks ago in the studio when Chan was already gone. Then I confessed and we kissed and you were absolutely weak in the knees for me. And because you can’t keep your hands away from me and we do in fact not really have time for a relationship, one thing led to another and we accidentally made out at the gala.”
“Yah!”, Changbin yelps. “Excuse me? That is not how this would go. Me pining for years? And I didn’t do anything about it? And you would not be the first one to confess.”
“Did I or did I not ask you to kiss me?” Jisung is laughing now.
“I- well… touché.” Changbin is not going to admit that Jisung is probably very much right and he can’t argue with him. He tries to anyways. “But I am able to keep my hands to myself. What, do you think I’m some horny teenager that doesn’t have his hormones under control?”
Jisung raises an eyebrow. “You know, I only asked you to kiss me, yet you had your hands under my shirt and your tongue shoved into my mouth”, he simply states.
Changbin’s face turns into a disbelieving smile. “What can I do when you’re so hot?”, he tries to defend himself. “Objectively”, he adds when he realizes what he’s said. “Platonically.” Man, he really needed to shut up. He hopes Jisung doesn’t see the way his ears turn bright red.
But Jisung only laughs louder and Changbin’s heart skips a beat. He smiles fondly and he would embarrass himself over and over again if that would mean Jisung being here next to him, laughing like this. Changbin could get drunk on this sound.
Changbin still doesn’t want to surrender, so he tackles Jisung, until he’s lying on the bed, Changbin above him and he tickles him, full force, until both of them can’t breathe anymore.
“Okay, okay” Jisung holds up his hands in surrender. “I’m sorry.”
Changbin grabs his hands and pins them above his head. “Are you now?”, he whispers and he’s suddenly closer than he anticipated. Jisung stopped laughing, breath hitching in his throat. Changbin gulps and he can’t help his eyes flicking down to Jisung’s lips. For a second he lets himself imagine what it would be like to kiss him again, for real this time. Would it feel the same? But then he breaks his gaze and pulls away. He stands up and clears his throat. He can’t have these thoughts. He’s not allowed to, has to push them back into the furthest corner of his brain, has to get his shit together and-
“Are you okay?” Jisung’s voice is small and it snaps him back to reality.
“Yeah, sorry, I- sorry.”
They’re silent again, Jisung fumbles with the bed sheets. “Do you want to stay here?”, he asks.
“Huh?” Changbin makes.
“Stay here for the night.” This time it’s not a question. It makes Changbin’s heart speed up again. It’s not unusual for the members to stay in each other’s rooms sometimes, but it still does something to Changbin’s heart that he isn’t quite ready to think about.
“I don’t have any pajamas here”, he tries to argue, but it’s a weak excuse.
“You can wear my clothes”, Jisung immediately says. “Please?”, he adds with big pleading eyes and well, Changbin is not your strongest soldier, cause he sighs and nods, even though he’s sure that it’s not a good idea. What is it with him and agreeing to every stupid thing Jisung proposes?
“I hate you”, Changbin states when he comes back from the bathroom. He’s wearing the clothes Jisung gave him and he really, really wants to kill him. The pink shirt with a glittery unicorn on the front sits way too tight on him and no matter how much he tries to pull it down it still reveals a small line of his stomach. And the pants are only slightly better. They are filled with Chibi Ghibli characters, but at least they fit. And look, Changbin prides himself in not having a fragile masculinity. He loves doing girl group choreography and he doesn’t mind getting dressed up in pink and a skirt, but this is definitely too much.
Jisung looks up from his phone. Of course he is wearing completely normal pajamas. Jisung starts giggling when he takes in the sight of Changbin.
“You never looked better, hyung”, he grins. And when Changbin steps closer, he pokes a finger to the exposed skin under the shirt. Changbin yelps and glares at Jisung, who pulls him down onto the bed.
They wrestle a bit until Jisung is towering above Changbin. He’s still staring at his stomach and Changbin has to suppress the urge to cover up.
“You should show off your body more often”, Jisung says, his voice is low and raspy and Changbin sucks in a breath. “Or don’t, actually, because I’m kind of getting possessive of this.”
And then he plops down next to Changbin, like he hasn’t just pushed Changbin’s world off its axis, like he hasn’t left him breathless and flushing red.
Jisung reaches to turn off the light and then he cuddles into Changbin’s chest, slowly drifting away to sleep. “I love how you get flustered so easily.” He says it so matter-of-factly, that Changbin still thinks about it when he falls asleep.
He realizes it in the middle of the night, when he wakes up in Jisung's arms. And fuck – why is he suddenly the little spoon? He feels Jisung's legs tangled between his and his warm breath in his neck and he knows that he loves Han Jisung. And he knows that he's absolutely fucked.
When Changbin wakes up in the morning, Jisung is next to him sound asleep. He thinks he could get used to this. But his stomach growls, so he entangles himself from Jisung's limbs and slowly opens the door. He tiptoes into the kitchen, trying to make no noise, but it’s useless. Minho is standing there, with one hand on his hip, leaning against the counter. His eyebrow is raised. "Good sleep?”
Changbin can't stop the grin breaking out on his face. "Hm", he hums.
Minho rolls his eyes, but he's smiling fondly. "I made breakfast", he says. "Figured you were still here, so feel free to join." He pauses for a bit. “Nice pajamas, by the way.”
His face heats up, but before he can say anything, there are arms snaking around Changin’s waist from behind and suddenly Jisung’s face is right next to his on his shoulder. He hums contently and Changbin shivers. “You weren’t there when I woke up”, Jisung complains.
Changbin can feel Minho’s stare boring into his side. When he looks at him he rolls his eyes, a disgusted look on his face.
And because he’s a little shit and has no self control, he presses a kiss to Jisung’s cheek. “I’m sorry, baby”, he whispers loud enough for Minho to hear. “I was hungry and I thought you might still be a little exhausted and sore from last night, you know, so I let you sleep.”
“Oh my god!”, Minho yells.
Changbin grins when he sees the blush creep onto Jisung’s cheeks.
“I’m never making breakfast for you ever again. Ew. No!” Minho shakes himself and retreats from the kitchen.
Changbin is well aware that he’s playing with fire. But he’s too happy to care. He knows none of this is real, but he’s having the time of his life, so he tries to convince his heart that this is going to be fine.
It’s not that much has actually changed since they started fake dating. They had to make a promise to Chan that they would keep a low profile especially when they were in public or filming. So they comfortably fall back into their usual banter and if some of the jokingly flirting felt a bit heavier, no one would notice.
Even in private, they were pretty much the same. They didn’t go around kissing each other – not that Changbin didn’t want to – and only when they were with others they acted like a couple, making Changbin’s heart flip everytime Jisung would reach for his hand or bury his face in the space between his shoulder and neck. He silently wonders how long this would go well, how long he could bear pretending, when he wanted so much more.
He's sitting at his desk, working on some lyrics, their “relationship” has been going on for a few weeks now, when he finally finds out where his limits are. He can hear Jisung and Hyunjin bicker in the kitchen of his dorm. It doesn’t help him concentrate. Suddenly his door swings open and Jisung barrels in. “Hyung”, he says while hurriedly closing the door again and Changbin stares at him.
“Hyunjin wants me to film a TikTok with him and I’m not pretty right now, so I desperately need to flee the situation.”
“What?”, Changbin furrows his brows. “You’re always pret-”
“I’m giving you 3 seconds to back out and then I’m going to kiss you.”
Changbin freezes in his chair, like he’s not sure he’s heard right.
“1”, Jisung counts and he steps forward. Changbin grabs the edge of his seat, he doesn’t know what to say or how to react.
“2” Jisung is close now, Changbin can see the light reflecting in his eyes. His brain screams at him that he should back out, move, do anything, but he’s still frozen in shock and his heart wants. It wants so bad.
“3” They’re only inches apart, Changbin feels Jisung’s breath on his skin and he knows it’s a stupid idea, but he’s also just a man, so he doesn’t back out when Jisung closes the distance between them.
For a second they linger there, until Changbin suddenly springs to motion and he grabs Jisung by his collar, pulls his body into himself, until Jisung is climbing in his lap, gasping into his mouth.
Changbin realizes that he’s missed this, Jisung’s warmth, his body against his. That against all better judgement, he wanted it to happen since the gala. Since he knew what Jisung would feel like under his hands.
So Changbin doesn’t think, when he pulls Jisung closer, until there’s nothing that could fit between them. He pushes one hand into the hair on his neck and pulls lightly, bathing in the sound Jisung makes. He wants to store it in the back of his mind, so he can relish in it anytime in the future.
Jisung pants against his mouth and then he pushes his tongue inside Changbin’s mouth and Changbin dies.
“Han Jisung! I know you’re hiding in there.” The door to his room flies open. “Oh my god!”, Hyunjin cries and Changbin startles. He turns his face to see Hyunjin, one hand on the doorframe, the other draped dramatically over his eyes.
“Ewww, ew, ew, ew!”, he yells. “My eyes, holy shit! Ever heard about locking the door?”
“Ever heard about knocking?”, Changbin growls, while Jisung, seemingly unbothered by the intruder, sucks on the skin of Changbin’s neck.
Hyunjin peeks between his finger only to break out into another series of disgusted noises. “Yep, okay”, he says, searching for the door without opening his eyes. “I’m just gonna- yep, yeah. Just, eh- let you do your thing. Ahh, oh god, I’m never gonna get this picture out of my head.”
Changbin waits until the door is closed, before he turns to Jisung again, who looks at him with a glint in his eyes and pulls away.
“That definitely worked.” He grins and Changbin tries to swallow the lump in his throat.
“Yeah”, he says weakly. “Yeah, definitely.” His hands linger on Jisung’s body, his eyes flick towards his kiss swollen lips and he wants to dive back in. He doesn’t want to be in this reality, where Jisung just uses him to get away from people, he wants Jisung to yearn for his kisses as much as he does.
But before he has the chance to say something stupid, Jisung pulls away completely and gets out of his lap. He turns to Changbin’s desk and flips through the pages laying there. “What were you doing before I barged in? Writing lyrics?”
“Yeah”, Changbin answers. But his mind is not there with Jisung. He’s starting to think that he made the biggest mistake of his life. That he’s not going to be able to keep his emotions in check with the way Jisung is toying with him.
“Need some help?”, Jisung asks and Changbin nods, forcing himself to forget about all of this weird situation. They settle next to each other, and it only takes a few minutes until they’re working together like nothing happened, like they’re still the way they used to be.
Somehow Jisung manages to convince Changbin to stay for the night. There’s not a single argument Changbin brings up, that Jisung doesn’t have a comeback for.
And so they end up in one bed. Again. Jisung, wearing Changbin’s clothes – a sight, that was definitely, definitely too much for Changbin’s weak heart – cuddled up into him. Just that this time Changbin doesn’t wake up in the morning like he’s just had the best sleep of his life. Because he realizes that this doesn’t work. That he can’t pretend anymore, or it’s going to break his heart.
Changbin doesn’t know how to deal with this. He can’t just confess his feelings, because he is almost certain that Jisung is not reciprocating them, he has made so much clear. But he also knows that he has to end it in some way. Just, how do you tell your friend and secret crush that you want to fake break up, without telling them, that you’re madly in love with them?
“Are you okay?”, Hyunjin asks, after another evening of Changbin pacing. Through the kitchen, the hallway, his room, everywhere, just so that he doesn’t have to sit still. “You’ve been kind of restless these past few days.”
“Ugh”, Changbin groans. He opens the cupboard to take out a glass and fills it with water. Hyunjin watches him.
Changbin feels his gaze on him when he takes a few sips of water, before he puts it back down on the counter and searches the kitchen for something he can eat. Hyunjin doesn’t say anything.
“Okay, fine”, he snaps and slams a package of cookies onto the table.
Hyunjin raises both hands in defense. “I didn’t say anything.”
“But you thought it.”
“I’m just worried about you.” Hyunjin looks at him soft and earnest and Changbin has to look away.
He sits down at the table, opens the cookies and shoves one into his mouth. “I’m just… confused? Overwhelmed?”
Hyunjin sits down on the other side of the table. “About what?”, he asks and Changbin doesn’t want to answer, so he just stuffs another cookie in his mouth and averts Hyunjin’s eyes.
“Is it about Jisung?”
Changbin chokes on a cookie crumb and coughs. He springs up, pacing again. “It’s…”, he starts, but he doesn’t know how to form the words, without giving away their secret. “I can’t really tell you what it’s about.”
Hyunjin’s brows furrow. “But you’re clearly upset about it.”
“Well, I guess I just don’t know how to deal with this?” He says it more like a question, because he doesn’t completely understands it himself.
Hyunjin grabs his wrist and Changbin curses him. His calm presence makes him even more restless. “Did he do something?”
“No! No”, Changbin is quick to explain. “He’s been nothing but an absolute sunshine. God, this is so stupid.”
Hyunjin’s face shifts into a confused look. “Then why are you-“
“It’s me, okay!”, Changbin yells and Hyunjin flinches. “I’m sorry. It’s just- There’s something… going on. And I can’t- It doesn’t- It just feels wrong.”
Hyunjin looks at him, really looks at him and Changbin wants to run away. He doesn’t want to have this conversation. He doesn't want to have these feelings, either. He wants to shut off his brain and disappear. “Have you talked to Jisung about this?”
“What, no!”
“Why not?”
“I can’t just- tell him.”
“Why not?”, Hyunjin asks again and Changbin can’t tell him. He can’t tell him the truth.
“I don’t completely understand what’s going on”, Hyunjin says slowly, cautiously. “But it sounds like you’re kind of leading him on. Don’t you think it would be fair to him to talk about it?”
Changbin feels the fight slowly drain out of him. He knows that Hyunjin is right, that he should talk to Jisung. He tries to fight him anyways. “But-“
“Talk to him”, Hyunjin urges and he leaves no room for objection.
“Yeah” Changbin takes a deep breath. “Yeah, I’ll do that. When I find the right time.” He stops when he sees Hyunjin’s face. “Or- or now. I’ll do it now.”
Hyunjin smiles. He stands up and pulls Changbin into a short hug. “You got this”, he says softly. “And I’ll be here, if you need me.”
Changbin is pacing again. He made the short walk to Jisung and Minho’s apartment, but he doesn’t have the guts to ring the doorbell. He chews on his nails nervously and counts to ten over and over again, until he finally presses the button. It doesn’t take long for Jisung to open the door and Changbin almost forgets what he’s here for.
“Oh, hyung”, Jisung says and a smile creeps onto his face. “What are you doing here?”
Before Changbin can chicken out, he chokes out “We need to talk” and he wipes the smile off Jisung’s face.
“Okay”, he says and Changbin can hear the slight anxiety in his voice. He wants to tell him that it’s nothing bad, that he doesn’t need to worry. But he’s not sure about that, so he keeps his mouth shut.
He takes off his shoes and jacket while Jisung closes the door behind him. He follows him to his room and while Jisung sits down on his bed, Changbin doesn’t know what to do with his limbs, he isn’t sure what he’s allowed to do. So he just stands there and rings with his words.
“Is everything okay?”, Jisung asks and Changbin looks anywhere but at him.
“No”, he admits quietly. “I- I don’t think I can keep doing this anymore.”
“Keep doing what?” Changbin finally looks at him and understanding dooms on Jisung’s face. “Oh”, he says and his face falls.
“It’s okay”, Jisung says and he’s quick to smile again. It doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s- did I do something wrong?”
“It’s not you, I just- It made me feel really awful.” He regrets it the second it leaves his mouth. Jisung tries not to let the smile fall again, but Changbin sees the hurt flash over his face. “I mean. Every time you touched me, I- I didn’t- god I hated it.”
There are tears streaming down Jisung’s face now, but he's still smiling and Changbin hates it. He hates it, hates it, hates it. He hates himself.
He wants Jisung to scream at him, to punch him and call him an asshole. Instead, he only smiles, slow and sad, with red and puffy eyes. "It's okay", he says and lets out a shaky breath. And this hurts more than any insult ever could. “We can just- we’ll tell everyone that we broke up. It’s fine. It’s okay. We can still be friends.”
“I don’t think I can do that”, Changbin whispers. He hates that the words are stuck in his throat, that he can’t explain properly. He hates that he’s making Jisung cry.
Jisung sobs and the smile finally slips off. He’s scrunching the blanket with one hand, rubbing his chest with the other.
Changbin is not an easy crier, but this is where he breaks. He feels the wetness on his cheeks before he registers that he’s crying.
“Jisung”, he breathes out and he wants to reach out, he wants to hug him, ease his pain. But he knows he can’t.
"Please leave." Jisung’s voice breaks.
"Jisung-ah" Changbin takes a desperate step forward.
"Get out!" His loud voice startles both Changbin and Jisung himself. Changbin's heart shatters into a million pieces, right then and there.
He takes defeat and storms out of the room, leaving his heart there with Jisung.
Chan pops out his head from Minho's room. "Is everything okay?", he asks and Changbin is starting to hate this question. Because nothing is ever okay.
"No", he admits honestly.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Chan is quick to step out into the hall towards Changbin, concern clear in his voice.
"No" He puts on his shoes and doesn't look at Chan, doesn't want to see the pity on his face.
"Are you- do you-"
"I'm fine", he snaps and angrily wipes at the tears rolling down his face. He takes a deep breath while slipping on his jacket.
"I'm okay", he reassures, quieter this time, but the quiver in his voice betrays him.
He sees Chan out the corner of his eyes, trying to reach for him, but he stops when Changbin takes a step back.
"I'm gonna..." Changbin points to the door and lets it hang there. "Can you..." He clears his throat at the lump that's forming. "Can you look after Jisung? I'm scared he'll... That he might..." He doesn't finish his sentence, knows that Chan understands and so he just pulls the door open and slips out. "I'm sorry", he whispers and vanishes into the night.
As soon as he sets a foot through his apartment door, Hyunjin is there and wraps him into a hug. "Oh Binnie", he whispers. "I'm so sorry"
This is what makes Changbin break completely. He breaks out into sobs and lets himself sink into the warmth of his best friend, clenches his hands in Hyunjin's hoodie and tries not to fall apart.
“We broke up”, he cries into Hyunjin's shoulder, even though it’s only half true.
“I know”, Hyunjin says softly and he rubs soothing circles on his back. “Chan texted me.”
Changbin would have felt betrayed if he didn’t feel so empty.
“I’m sorry”, Hyunjin says again. “I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you wanted.”
Changbin lets out another sob. “He hates me”, he chokes out. “He hates me.” He can’t say anything else. He can’t think anything else.
He’s glad that Hyunjin is there, that he lets him ugly cry into his hoodie, that he doesn’t mind the snot coming with the tears too. He lets Hyunjin lead him to his room, lets him position them on his bed and he cuddles into him, cries, until there are no tears left.
When Changbin calms down a bit, Hyunjin gets up and brings him a glass of water and tissues.
Changbin curls into a ball, grabs onto Gyu, his munchlax plushie, and breathes in the familiar scent. But what calms him down and lets him sleep on other days, doesn’t help at all. It reminds him of the comfort of Jisung next to him, of how it felt to be held by someone, lulled to sleep by the warmth. His plushie is not warm and it doesn’t smell like Jisung and he feels pathetic.
There is a knock on his door and Chan steps inside. Changbin frowns. “What are you doing here?”, he asks, voice still hoarse from all the crying.
“Seeing how you’re holding up”, he answers and sits down at the edge of the bed. “How are you holding up?”
Changbin sits up a little bit and shrugs. “Why are you not with Jisung?”, he asks instead of answering.
Chan sighs, like he expected this. “Minho’s with him right now. He doesn’t want anyone else there and he told me to look for you.”
Changbin tries to smile at that, but it hurts. “I’m sorry”, he says and picks at a loose string on his shirt. “That I ruined the band. I promise I’m going to be professional about it.”
“Hey. Look at me.” Chan’s voice is firm, but Changbin doesn’t look up. He doesn’t want to see the disappointment or the pity. “Changbin. I’m not mad, I promise. I’m just worried. And you haven’t ruined the band. And right now there’s also nothing more important than your well being.”
Changbin looks up now, he doesn’t say thank you, but relief washes over him, only slightly overshadowed by guilt. He looks at Chan and hopes he understands without any words.
“You’re taking tomorrow off”, Chan says and shushes Changbin when he starts to protest. “There’s nothing important going on anyways, we can manage without you. You need to rest.”
Changbin doesn’t want to rest, but he also doesn't want to face Jisung, so he doesn’t object anymore.
He doesn’t know when Chan leaves or when he drifts off to sleep, but when he wakes up again it’s already far into the next day.
He hears muffled voices from the living room and he groans in confusion. He feels a little bit disgusting from all the anxious sweat and tears from the night before. He’s also still in his street clothes and hasn’t showered. So, even though he doesn’t want to face the world, he quietly gets up and sneaks to the bathroom.
When he enters the living room after his shower, hair wet and in fresh and comfortable clothes, he’s surprised to see half of his band there. Jeongin, Seungmin and Felix are squeezed next to Hyunjin on their small couch. “Yah”, he says and four heads snap up to look at him. “What are you doing here?”
“Checking up on you, of course.” Felix smiles at him.
Changbin furrows his brows. “You should be with Jisung”, he says. “He needs you more than me, I’m fine.” He feels like it’s unfair, that they’re all here when Jisung is the one who deserves their comfort. When Changbin’s the one who fucked this up.
“Changbin-hyung”, Jeongin deadpans from where he’s squished between Hyunjin and Seungmin. “I know you like to act like nothing can break you, but we’re also your friends and you’re clearly not okay. Also, we have already checked on Jisung this morning and Minho and Chan are staying with him. None of us are taking sides, we’re all in the same boat.”
“Except for Minho and Hyunjin”, Seungmin jumps in.
Hyunjin slaps him on the back of his head for that. “What he means to say is: Sit your whiny ass down.”
Changbin lets out a tiny little chuckle, and he sits down across from them on the armchair.
“So”, Seungmin says and folds his hands in his lap. Changbin suddenly feels like he’s been tricked into an interrogation. “What happened?”
Changbin shakes his head. “I’m not telling you.”
“Oh, come on, you’re both so stubborn!”
“Lix”, Hyunjin says with a warning look. “If he doesn’t want to say anything, that’s his decision.”
“But he has to talk to someone.”
Changbin runs his hand over his face and sighs. “Look. I know I’m an asshole, but I’m not so much of an asshole that I’m going to tell you something Jisung explicitly told not to tell anyone.”
They stare at him for a moment. Jeongin nips at his lips until he states, “But you broke up because of it.”
That is so far from the truth, but also the closest they’ll get to it without knowing the entire story, so he deflates. “Well yeah, something like that.”
“I don’t understand it”, Felix admits quietly. “You were always so disgustingly adorable together and no one was surprised when you got together, but I never thought you would…” He trails off.
Changbin hates how he feels like crying again. “It’s all my fault.” He sniffles. “I said all of these horrible things to him and now he hates me and he's going to leave the band and I ruined everything. I don't know why you don't hate me as well."
They all immediately scramble to their feet and pile up on top of him grabbing whatever they can of him. Jeongin hugs him from behind, while Felix and Hyunjin lean on either side of him. Seungmin just straight up sits on the floor in front of him and hugs his legs. They shower him with calming words he doesn't deserve and Changbin cries a little more.
"He doesn't hate you, idiot."
"Well, maybe a little bit, but not enough to leave the band."
“Seungmin!”
“What? Are we supposed to lie to him now?”
“No, but we’re supposed to comfort him.”
Changbin laughs a little at that. “I love you guys”, he says and he means it. He would fight the entire world for these little fuckers.
“We love you too”, Felix says and his wobbly voice tells Changbin that he’s close to crying now too. But then he sits up straight. “I think it’s time for the distraction. I made brownies.”
Changbin only has this one day to get his emotions under control. He’s well aware that he has to go back to his job afterwards. He needs to function. The make-up artist will cover up the dark circles under his eyes and he will smile for the cameras, pretend like nothing happened. He and Jisung will seem like their old selves. No one outside of their little bubble will notice. He’s a professional after all.
Still, nothing could have prepared him for the look on Jisung’s face when he meets him on their way to the company building. He is being guarded by Minho who shoots him an angry glare. Changbin doesn’t care because the moment Jisung looks at him, every inch of breath is sucked out of him. He has never hated himself more. Jisung looks like he has spent the entire day and night crying, eyes red and sore. But it’s worse that he doesn’t smile at Changbin, not a tiny bit. He looks at him with such a lifeless expression, that it sends shivers down his spine.
Before he can say anything, Minho grabs Jisung by the wrist and pulls him away.
As soon as the cameras start rolling, Changbin slips into his on-camera persona. He’s noisy and smiling again, annoying Seungmin with his laugh. Flirting and teasing his members. It’s usually not hard to fit right in here, but right now he feels more fake than ever before.
Of course he notices that Jisung flinches every time he touches him, but he plays it over like the professional idol he is, shoves back the hurt that washes over him to deal with it later. He has a job to do and he’s going to do it well.
What he didn’t think about was how hard it would be to do his job, when there weren’t any cameras. He realizes it when he’s in the studio with Chan and Jisung. It’s kind of hard to avoid someone, when you have to write a song together. Jisung, however, somehow still manages to do it.
Changbin is not as good with it. He keeps staring at Jisung, lost in thought and his heart skips a beat every time their legs or arms accidentally touch and Jisung pulls away every time.
It happens multiple times that Chan or Jisung have to repeat what they just said, because he can’t concentrate on the song.
“Look” Jisung suddenly snaps and turns towards him. Changbin sucks in a breath. “You made it very clear that you don’t want to be friends with me anymore, so can you maybe not make it any harder for me and actually act like you mean it?”
Jisung grabs his bag and storms out of the studio without giving Changbin the chance to reply. He can only stare after him, at the door that swings close and leaves him in his misery. Changbin wants to run after him, but his body is frozen in place.
“You told him you didn’t want to be friends with him?” Chan doesn’t sound mad, but he doesn’t sound happy either.
“No!” Changbin feels the sudden need to defend himself. Everyone is misunderstanding all of his words. They always come out wrong, but he can’t explain it without spilling all of his secrets.
“No? Then why has he just said that?”
“I didn’t- I didn’t mean it like that.” Changbin flails his hands in desperation.
“But you said it like that.” It’s not a question. Chan knows him way too well.
“Yeah”, he admits and Chan sighs.
“Changbin. You need to talk to him.”
“I talked to him and you see how well that went.”
Chan glares at him, but Changbin ignores it and starts working on the song again.
It takes a few days until Chan and Minho have enough of their shit. They’re staying at a hotel after an event and they’ve paired Jisung with Chan and Changbin with Minho. Changbin is pretty sure that they’ve done it on purpose and if he’s honest, he’s a bit scared.
He somehow survived the event and when he steps out of the shower in the evening with plans to spend the rest of it curled into bed and mindlessly scrolling on his phone, he is met with Minho glaring at him from the bed, patting at the space beside him.
“So”, he says with a sigh once Changbin sits down. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing?”, Changbin tries.
“Don’t shit on me, Seo Changbin. So, what’s wrong?”
He swallows and tries to find anything to say. “Jisung’s avoiding me”, is what comes out of his mouth.
“Yeah, duh”, Minho deadpans. “You broke up with him.”
Changbin doesn’t add anything to that.
Minho sighs again. “Care to tell me, why exactly you broke up with him?”
Changbin wonders if Minho really doesn’t know that he’s been fake dating his best friend. He wonders if Minho knows how utterly and pathetically Changbin is in love with said best friend. “I didn’t break up with him.”
“Oh, so you’ve both just been crying for nothing then?”
And Changbin can’t take it anymore. He wants to keep their secret, but he also desperately needs someone to talk to, so he finally quietly admits: “There wasn’t anyone to break up with in the first place.”
Minho is quiet at that. He blinks at him, once, twice, his mouth falling open.
“What do you mean, there wasn’t-” His face scrunches in confusion. And now Changbin is really sure that Jisung hasn’t said anything. He feels a little bad about it, but he’s also relieved that he can finally tell someone.
“We were kind of just pretending.”
Minho looks at him with wide eyes. “But Chan caught you kissing at the gala.”
“Yeah, that was fake.”
“And Hyunjin caught you making out in your room.”
“Also fake.”
“You told everyone you were together.”
Changbin shakes his head. “Technically we didn’t tell anyone. You all just assumed and we kind of played into that.”
“Why?” Minho still seems to be shocked by this new information.
Changbin slings his arms around his legs. “I think it’s better if Jisung tells you that. But it started at the gala, because he felt… uncomfortable. So, he kind of just asked me to kiss him.”
It takes Minho a while to process this. “That is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard. Holy shit, Han Jisung count your days, I swear to god.”
“It’s not just his fault. I mean I was playing along as well”, he tries to defend Jisung.
“Yeah, I’m not excluding you from that threat.” But then his gaze softens and Changbin can see the realization forming on his face and Changbin’s heart clenches. He knows what’s about to come. “So, when you broke up with him, you…”
“Tried to tell him how I actually feel, yeah. But miserably failed because I’m stupid and words won’t come out, when I need them to.” His heart is racing.
“What did you tell him?”, Minho asks and although he knows Minho has every right to be angry at him, every right to scold him, his voice is soft and laced with understanding. Changbin feels like crying yet again, because he realizes that after all Minho still cares about him. He suddenly feels really small.
“That all of it made me feel awful, that I hated it when he touched me and that I couldn’t be his friend anymore.”
“Oh, you idiot”, Minho says, but there’s no bite to it.
“I know”, Changbin whines and buries his face in his hands. “It wasn’t supposed to come out like that, but I also wasn’t ready to tell him the entire truth and so I ended up saying the worst shit to him.”
“And the whole truth is that you’re in love with him?”
“Yeah”, Changbin deflates. “And this whole fake dating thing was too much self-sabotage, I couldn’t do it anymore. But I couldn’t just confess, because he clearly doesn’t see me like that.”
“Okay, you know what?”, Minho groans. “You need to talk to him. Now.”
“What? No!” Changbin’s head snaps up with panic.
“Yes. You’re going to tell him all about your feelings and then we can finally put this all behind us. And I promise you even if he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings it’s still way better than telling him you want to stop being friends without any context.” Before Changbin can protest, Minho takes his arm and pulls him towards the door and down the hallway.
“What do you mean if?”, he asks. “Jisung doesn’t like me like that.”
“Have you asked him?”
Changbin opens his mouth and closes it, cause surprisingly, he can’t argue with that.
Minho knocks on Chan and Jisung’s hotel room door now and panic starts rising in Changbin’s chest. “Chan! It’s me”, Minho calls. “I bring you the other stupid one.”
Chan opens the door not long after. He looks Changbin up and down and narrows his eyes. “I’ll give you two approximately 30 minutes to talk it out and then I’ll be checking on you, so you don’t murder each other.” He lets Changbin in, pushes Minho out in front of him and closes the door.
Changbin is alone with Jisung. And that’s when he realizes that they’ve set this up. Absolute betrayal.
By the looks of it, Chan had done the same sort of interrogation with Jisung as Minho had with Changbin. Jisung is sitting on the bed, shoulders slumped, looking into his lap. He’s definitely been crying.
“Hi”, Changbin says and Jisung looks up.
“Hi”, he says, his voice a little hoarse.
“I’m sorry”, Changbin continues, because he doesn’t know how to start this.
“It’s okay”, Jisung says.
“No, it’s not! Stop saying that.” Changbin takes a few steps until he’s in front of Jisung. “Can I sit there?”, he asks and Jisung nods.
Changbin thinks about what he’s going to say next, but it’s Jisung who breaks the silence. “I understand if you hate me”, he says without looking at Changbin. “It was really stupid to start this whole fake dating thing. Don’t worry, Chan already scolded me.”
Changbin takes a deep breath and for a moment his hand hovers over Jisung’s until he internally says fuck it and intertwines their fingers. Jisung looks at him with wide eyes and Changbin’s heart starts to beat out of his chest once again.
“I don’t hate you”, he says, voice firm, because he needs Jisung to understand this. “I’ve never hated you. I thought you hated me.”
Jisung starts to say something, but Changbin interrupts him. “Which you have every right to, by the way. I’ve been absolutely stupid and I said horrible things to you, and I can’t really take back the damage I did, but maybe I can try to explain it?”
Jisung gnaws on his lips, his eyes uncertain, but there’s a tiny nod, so Changbin continues.
“I did mean what I said to you. But not- like that. It’s- it’s true that I couldn’t do the fake dating anymore.” Here goes nothing. Changbin doesn’t look at Jisung. “Because I wanted it to be real. And I couldn’t stay friends with you, because I wanted more. I was just too much of a coward to actually say it. Because I know that you don’t feel the same and that’s fine, really, I just-”
“You’re stupid”, Jisung states and Changbin’s heart drops.
“I- I’m sorry”, he stutters, but then there’s suddenly lips on his and he gasps.
“Sorry”, Jisung giggles and pulls away as fast as he leaned in. “I should’ve asked if this is okay for you.”
Changbin stares at him with an open mouth. He feels like someone has flipped his entire world upside down. “What-”
“I like you too, dumbass”, Jisung breathes out.
Changbin hears the words he’s speaking, but they don’t quite process in his brain. “But-”, he starts and doesn’t continue.
“Why do you think I kissed you in the first place? Do you really think I would’ve done that to anyone else but you?”, Jisung admits. “I kind of panicked with the whole fake dating afterwards, but I didn’t want to stop- you know. And then Chan assumed we were dating and it made my insides feel so warm, that I didn’t think about the consequences. I’m really sorry I dragged you into this mess.”
“It’s okay”, Changbin says slowly and he’s still staring. “I’m sorry, I’m just… You- you like me?”
“Yeah, hyung, I like you.”
“And I’m not dreaming?”
Jisung pinches his arm and Changbin yelps. “Nope, not dreaming.”
And then it finally registers in Changbin’s brain. He releases a breath, he didn’t know he was holding and his gaze flicks down to Jisung’s lips. “Can I kiss you?”, he asks because he doesn’t know what else to do and he really, really does want to kiss him.
“Please”, Jisung whispers.
And so Changbin leans in and presses his lips to Jisung’s. His lips are as soft as he remembers, and he can’t quite believe that he’s allowed to do this now. They stay there for a while, just breathing each other in, not intensifying the kiss. It isn’t hungry or passionate. It’s soft, it’s home.
Until Jisung snakes his hands to the back of Changbin’s head and pulls him down on the bed. Changbin breaks the kiss to catch himself on his arms and not crush Jisung with his weight. He takes Jisung in. The flush of his face, the glint in his eyes and Changbin can’t breathe.
“What?”, Jisung asks, eyes big and fixed on his.
“You’re so beautiful”, Changbin breathes out. It’s satisfying to watch the smile creep on Jisung’s face, to see the blush spreading to his ears and he just stares at Jisung. He wants to take everything in, categorize every part of Jisung into little folders in his brain.
“Kiss me again, you idiot.” And who is Changbin to deny that? He dives back in, with more fervor this time. He holdy himself up with one arm and puts the other hand in Jisung’s hair that is still a little damp from showering. He pushes Jisung’s mouth open, explores it with his tongue. Jisung is breathing hard under him and Changbin makes it his personal mission to get every possible sound out of him. He bites his lower lip, like he did when they first kissed and it still has the same effect. Jisung moans and Changbin smirks, satisfied.
Then he breaks the kiss, but he doesn’t think about stopping. He looks at Jisung to make sure this is still okay, lingers a bit at the sight of his flushed face, one that he caused, a little bit of pride washing over him and then Jisung whines when he still doesn’t do anything, so Changbin leans in again, places a kiss next to his ear.
“Tell me when to stop”, he whispers and Jisung arches into him, which he takes as a sign to continue.
Their bodies are pressed together now, touching at every point possible. Changbin sucks at the exposed skin at Jisung’s neck, careful not to leave marks and Jisung’s hand clenches in his hair.
When Changbin decides Jisung’s neck has had enough of his attention, he sits up. Placing all of his weight on Jisung’s thighs. He places his hands on Jisung's waist, dipping his fingers in the flesh, just above the waistband of his joggers.
“Hyung” Jisung moans and there’s a question swinging with it.
Changbin swallows and then pushes Jisung’s shirt up, not fully, only enough to reveal the tattoo on his side. And then he does something he’s been secretly dreaming of ever since Jisung sent that mirror selfie of it to the group chat, just after his tattoo appointment. Changbin had almost doubled over, when he’d seen it, breath knocked out of his body.
And now he finally, finally has the chance to touch it without judgement. He carefully traces it with his fingers and Jisung sucks in a sharp breath.
“Still okay?”, Changbin asks and Jisung nods.
“Use your words, baby”, Changbin demands.
“Yes”, Jisung says in a low voice, ever so obedient. “Still okay.”
Changbin leans down and kisses the outlines of Jisung’s tattoo, he starts at the top and trails soft and gentle kisses down, puts the skin between his teeth sometimes, until Jisung arches into him. When he reaches the bottom, Jisung suddenly sits up too.
“Hyung”, he says and takes Changbin’s face in his hands, presses a soft kiss to his lips. “I think we should stop here.”
“Too much?”, Changbin asks, searching for any sign of discomfort in Jisung’s face.
“No”, Jisung whines. “God, I think I could do this forever. But I think we should take things slowly, we shouldn’t rush this. And I’m scared Chan will barge in any moment now, I don’t want to traumatize him anymore.”
Changbin laughs a little bit as relief washes over him, he feels like he’s getting high of the thought that Jisung wants this as much as he does. He reaches forward and buries his face in the crook of Jisung’s neck. “Hm”, he hums content.
“I also think we should do some more talking”, Jisung continues and gently plays with Changbin’s hair.
“Maybe we can text Chan and ask him if he can stay with Minho for tonight”, Changbin murmurs into Jisung’s shirt. “I don’t think I want to leave your side. Ever again.”
Jisung laughs his typical Jisung laugh and Changbin melts. “I doubt he will have a problem with that.”
Changbin pulls away and stares at him with a tilted head. “What do you mean by that?”
Jisung smirks and Changbin’s eyes grow wide. “No”, he says and his mouth falls open. “No way! Chan and Minho?”
Jisung laughs. “You haven’t noticed?”
“No?”, Changbin says, because he definitely hasn’t. “I thought they were just… really… close…” He trails off and moments flash in front of his inner eyes. The amount of times Chan had spent in Minho’s dorm, how they were always touching in small and subtle ways, the looks that they share with each other. “Oh my god”, he says and suddenly feels very dumb. “Have you known this entire time?”
“Hm”, Jisung makes and grins. “It was very obvious. You’re just very, very oblivious.”
“Yah!”, Changbin lets out and he tackles Jisung, tickling him until he’s out of breath.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, Jisung caves in and when Changbin let’s go of him, he cuddles up to his chest.
Changbin takes out his phone to text Chan and then he slings his arms around Jisung, pulling him close. He wonders how he’s ever lived without this. “Is it too soon to ask you to be my boyfriend?”, he asks.
“Take me on a date first and then we’ll see.” But he can feel Jisung’s smile against his chest.
Changbin is about to drift off to sleep when Jisung speaks up again, voice laced with sleep. “I love you, Seo Changbin.”
Changbin presses a kiss to the top of Jisung’s head. “I love you too, Han Jisung”, he whispers before he finally falls asleep.
From Changbin:
Hyung, is it okay if you share a room with Minho for the night? Jisung and I are good now, we still need to do some talking, but it went well
Really, really well (sparing you the details, but just know that I’ve never been prouder of my achievements)
Also
You traitor!
When were you gonna tell me about you and Minho??
Why am I always the last one to know?