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It has been one of those days.
They come with less frequency, now. Most of the time, Helen is able to firmly live in the present. Because, all things considered, life is pretty good and she is very happy. Yes, the occasional bad memory may creep in, but she is able to wave them away with ease.
Still.
Every once in a while, they sneak up on Helen. They hit harder, and cling to her like so many burrs on a sweater. Memories of how quickly things had fallen apart, of cutting words wielded in anger and resentment, reminders of how much time they had lost. Bad feelings, bad memories. Too many of them, or too strong - and Helen can’t sweep past them.
When those feelings come back, like right now, there is really only one thing for Helen to do.
Helen knows where to find her, at this time of night.
Madeline is lounging in their bed, propped up on a pile of pillows, scrolling on her phone. Her hair is pulled back in a flouncy ponytail, a little messy from the pillows.
“Hel, I think we should watch this new Apple TV show, it’s all over my insta-oof!”
Helen collapses onto the bed, directly into Madeline’s side.
After a moment, Madeline tosses her phone onto the bed and wraps her arms around Helen. “Hello there,” she says to the top of Helen’s head.
“Hi.” Helen’s voice is muffled against Madeline’s body.
“Everything all right?”
Helen nods into her chest. “I missed you.”
“That’s sweet,” Helen can feel Madeline’s fingers playing with her hair. “But I haven’t exactly gone anywhere today…”
“No,” Helen frowns, frustrated at herself and the hard-to-describe feelings percolating within her, “I mean. I missed you, before. You know, those ten years.”
“Oh.” Helen can hear the smile in her voice, can picture the look on her face. “Thought you spent those years wanting to kill me?”
“Yeah, well. A lot of time was spent imagining ways to kill you.” Helen pauses, throat suddenly burning. “But there were those other times when I just missed you.”
How can Helen even explain it? How she had spent ten years convincing herself that she would be doing the entire world a service by taking Madeline out of it. And, in the end? All she had really wanted was to see Mad again.
Helen feels Madeline’s hand tighten on her arm. “I missed you too, you know. So much. I-” Madeline clears her throat. “It’s funny, isn’t it. Looking back now?”
Something about the tone of her voice. Helen raises her head to see Madeline’s face. There is a distant look in her eyes. She’s obviously reliving past moments, just like Helen had been earlier.
Madeline laughs a little, her eyes skirting away from Helen’s. “Don’t look at me. I can’t say this with you looking at me.”
“Too bad,” Helen tells her, “I’m looking.”
Madeline huffs, “It’s just - when I think back to those years, it’s like they were gray, almost? Like my memories are in black and white.” A tiny hitch in her breathing; Helen can only hear it because she is so close. There is silence for a moment before Madeline continues, “Until you sent me that absurd hatchet in the mail.”
She meets Helen’s eyes with a faint smile. “By the way, I still can’t believe you sent me a hatchet, you crazy lady.”
“I had hoped you would appreciate the dramatic gesture,” Helen explains.
“Of course I did! Because you know me so well,” Madeline laughs lightly, then grows serious. She readjusts her arm around Helen’s shoulder. “But it’s as if I can pinpoint that exact moment as seeing in, y’know, technicolor again. Or like - I don’t know, like getting air back into my lungs.”
She pauses, then scoffs, glancing at Helen. “Isn’t that stupid?”
Helen frowns. “Why would it be stupid?”
“Because,” Madeline practically growls, “How did I not notice it before? How did I get through those ten years, apparently just fine with living in grayscale?” Helen hears the change in her voice and sees glistening in the corner of her eyes.
She sits up, practically switching their positions so she can put her arms around Madeline. “Wait, Mad, wait. I was the one who was having a moment when I came in here. And now you’re crying?”
The tears aren’t falling, but Madeline blinks up at the ceiling anyway. “You see? I’m so stupid for you, Helen.”
“You’re not.”
“I am,” Madeline nods her head, adamant. “I miss you when you’re, like, a room away.”
Helen twists her mouth to keep from smiling. “Well, then it’s a good thing,” she tells Madeline, “because I’m pretty stupid for you too.”
“You are?”
“Mad, I sent you a hatchet as a way to get your attention. I’ve always been a bit stupid for you.”
Madeline hums, bringing a thumb up to quickly swipe beneath her eye.
Helen replaces that hand with her own. She cradles Madeline’s face and traces her thumb across a smooth cheekbone. Helen feels remarkably lighter now than she had five minutes ago, but she is sorry for prompting Madeline into tears; that had not been her intention. “I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Helen says, apologetic.
Madeline gives her a halfhearted eye-roll, voice a little watery. “You didn’t, really.”
“Still. I don’t like thinking about you being sad, back then.”
“I’m not sad now.” Madeline reaches for Helen’s hand.
Helen knows this is the truth. Helen enjoys pushing Madeline’s buttons just as much as Madeline enjoys driving Helen fucking nuts. But they are here, by each other’s side as promised. Helen has no doubts about this, about them. And isn’t that the most incredible development? If only Helen from ten years ago could see them now. She never would have believed it.
Helen doesn’t like to think of the words 'deserving' or 'worth it', as though they only get to be rewarded after dealing with so much pain. But the word 'luck' does float through her mind. She feels incredibly fortunate to have gone through all these years - and yes, pain - just to end up here, in this bed, holding Madeline and trusting that she will never leave.
Talk about near-toxic levels of codependency. Helen should be concerned, but she can't bring herself to care. Helen just loves her. That's all.
“So. What was that you were talking about earlier? Some new show for us to watch?”
“Ooh!” Madeline exclaims, grabbing for her phone again, “Yes. It’s called Pluribus and I don’t really know what it’s about, but it’s got that actress you like - you know, the one from ‘Better-"
“-'Better Call Saul'?” Helen finishes.
“Yep.” Madeline raises her eyebrows at Helen. “You and your penchant for blue-eyed blondes. I wonder where that started.” Helen gives her a shove.
Yes, Helen thinks to herself, life is pretty good now.