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STARSKY: Hutch? Hey Hutch! You in there?
HUTCH: Hey yourself, Starsk. Come in, buddy. Take a load off.
STARSKY: Damn, it must be true! You are packing! Guess I’d better get right to the point, then. Doc Franklin called me about your condition. Yeah, yeah, know he shouldn’t have, but, hey, he’s worried.
An’ he ain’t the only one!
Doc says you’re gonna die, Hutch, unless something is done! DIE! How come you didn’t tell me, huh? What the hell’s goin’ on with you?
He says it’s something only your hometown can do for you? Do you have to go to Duluth?
HUTCH: Yeah, I do. And, no, I can’t. Sorry, Starsk, but I can’t tell you any more.
STARSKY: Hutch! They say you’re the best detective in Metro! Well, second best… But if I have to lose my best friend and the best partner I ever had - and that ain’t an exaggeration - with no explanation, I figure I’ve gotta right to know why!
HUTCH: Oh, Starsk. I-- I---can’t… Ah.. well, …okay…this is you after all.
It is a thing no non-Minnesotan may know, except for those very few who have been involved. All Minnesotans would understand, but even we do not speak of it among ourselves. It is a deeply personal thing, Starsk. Can you just accept that, buddy? Try and understand?
STARSKY: No can do, Blondie. Can’t accept that at all. If you want me to understand, you’ve gotta spill. And you’ve gotta do it now.
HUTCH: I love you, Starsk, but there are some things which transcend even the bonds of friendship.
STARSKY: Hutch, hey, this is me. This is more than a friendship! Do I gotta remind you that everything said between us is confidential?
HUTCH: …Yeah… of course it is. Okay, well… It… it has to do with…
STARSKY: What? What?
HUTCH: W-with …Biology..
STARSKY: Huh? Biology? Biology like in High School? I remember biology! Like when Mrs Frobisher told us to pickle those frogs in formaldehyde and me and Robbie Cohen let ‘em all go down the…? That was one of the best days I ever had in sch--
Hey, Hutch! D’ya think that frogs….?
HUTCH: No, Starsky. Not biology ‘like in High School.’
STARSKY: ‘Cause I’ve always wondered whether… Y’see, if I was a frog, I’d…
HUTCH: Starsky!!
STARSKY: I’d-- aw, sorry, Hutch. Got carried away. So if it ain’t that kind of biology, what is it?
HUTCH: Uh… M-Minnesotan biology.
STARSKY: You mean the biology of Minnesotans? Biology as in reproduction? Aw, no need to be embarrassed about that, Hutch. It happens to the birds and the bees.
And even Jabberwockies, I guess…hey, Hutch? Do Jabberwockies have sex…? Do they even have di—
HUTCH: Ah, Starsky. The birds and the bees are not Minnesotans. And neither, for that matter, are jabberwockies. If they were, if any creature as proudly Midwestern as we were to have their College degrees r-ripped from them as this time does to us...
How do Minnesotans choose their mates, partner? Haven't you ever wondered?
STARSKY: Uh, well… S’pose I’ve always assumed that it's done …well… academically. Logically, y’know? Guess they advertise for resumes, meet someone equally tall and blonde, compare educational achievements and bloodlines, have really polite missionary sex a couple of times, and then get engaged… Least that’s what I’ve always…
HUTCH: No, no. It’s not. It’s not like that at all. We shield it with ritual and customs that are shrouded in antiquity. Californians and New Yorkers have no conception. It strips our minds from us. Brings a madness which rips away our veneer of civilization - our ability to commune with flora, reduces our social standing, and…and it… causes us to… to… gr-- Well, my first clue was.. this... this abomination.
STARSKY: That? The caterpillar? You mean you didn’t grow that thing on purpose? That it’s all part of the…? Aw, Hutch, I’m so sorry, babe. And all this time I’ve been thinkin’ you’d just made another bad fashion choice.
HUTCH: Another ba…? I’ve known for a while, Starsk. I’ve just been pretending it was voluntary, ignoring it in the hope it would just go away, but…
STARSKY: Okay, okay, got it. Head in the sand. Turning a blind eye. But Hutch….
HUTCH: It is the Ish-da. The time of m-mating. There are precedents in nature, Starsky. Sea Turtles, for example. Salmon. Both must return to that one place where they were born, to reproduce, or die trying.
STARSKY: But you ain’t a turtle or a fish, Hutch. You don’t look like a fish or a turtle - even if I squint really hard. I’m a detective, Hutch, and I would’ve noticed that, for sure. You’re …
HUTCH: No! I’m not. Nor am I a Californian. I am a Minnesotan. A mate was chosen for me in childhood. Sure, I left there a long time ago, and I'd hoped that once I’d acclimatized to California, I would be spared this, but the ancient drives are too strong. Eventually, they catch up with us, and we are driven by forces we cannot control to return home and t-take a m-mate.
Or die.
STARSKY: Nope. That’s not gonna happen, Blintz. Not on my watch. ‘Specially not the dyin’ part. And don’t worry, I haven't heard a word you've said, babe. I’ll square it with Dobey, and I'll get you to Minnesota somehow.
Promise.
Think I’d let you go and do somethin’ like this on your own? I’m goin’ with an’ that’s all there is to it.
HUTCH: But my betrothed, my mate-to-be, is waiting for me. Her name is V’ness. And our joining must take place in the sacred ski lodge by the secret lake on the edge of the Horggender glacier… It is Koo-ka-la-la-la, the place of Dance or Dishonor.
We must observe all the traditional rituals and be blessed with the sacred Saree-aax, then respectfully pelted with Skillingsboller as we leave the Harag-agh.
And it has to happen within the week, Starsky. This week.
Or I’ll d--
STARSKY: Dance or Dishonor, huh? Dance? You? C’mon, babe, we both know that ain’t gonna fly. You need me, if only for that! You’ll never pull that off without me.
And as for the matin’ part, that is not gonna happen at all - unless, of course, the mate you choose is me. I’m puttin’ my foot down, Hutch, and that’s that.
HUTCH: But what about--?
STARSKY: V’ness? V’ness Sch’mess! To hell with her. You know I can outdance anyone – ‘specially someone with a name like that! You don’t want this. I can feel it in my bones.
HUTCH: But, Starsk, I have no right to ask y…
STARSKY: Aw, Hutch, don’t worry that blond head of yours. This is one of those ‘who do we trust’ times. And I’m right here, beside you, like always.
Whatever you need, pal, whatever it takes. I’ll even take up language classes. Apply for Minnesotan citizenship.
D’you think there’ll be a test?
HUTCH: Aw, Starsky, that’s…
STARSKY: Cheer up, schweetheart. Me ‘n’ thee darlin’. We’ll get through this together, like always.
HUTCH: Oh, Starsk, I can’t let you make a sacrifice like that.
STARSKY: No sacrifice, babe. Know my timing’s bad, but haven’t you ever noticed how I follow you into the locker room, get up early to meet you at the gym. Help rub you down after you’ve had your shower? Rub your --- Hell, don’t I invite you over night after night to watch monster flicks with my head buried in that blond lap of yours?
HUTCH: I know you love me, Starsk, but I can’t let you make…
STARSKY: Shut up, Hutch.
HUTCH: Huh?
STARSKY: Just SHUT. UP. And put your listenin’ ears on.
HUTCH: I--
STARSKY: I don’t just love you Hutch. I lurrv you!!
HUTCH: You… You…
STARSKY: L.O.V.E you, Blintz! Get it?
HUTCH: Oh.
HUTCH: Oh… Oh, Starsky! Have I got this right? You want to dance for me and with me? P-Permanently?
STARSKY: ‘Course I do, blondie! Got just one question, though. When we get hitched… Since it’s Minnesota, do we get to wear matching ski masks? Oh, and what kinda blond do you think I should be for the ceremony? Bottle blond? Platinum? Ash?
I guess it’s probably traditional to leave the reception in a snowmobile or a dogsled, but this is us, Blintz. We’ve gotta make a statement, and nothin’ says ‘Just Married’ like a red and white striped snow plough.
HUTCH: Uh…Starsky…
STARSKY: And then we can check into the nearest Ritz for the wedding night. Aw, Hutch, this is gonna be sooo much f--
HUTCH: … Starsk?
STARSKY: And after we have dinner we can… Oh, sorry…. Yeah, babe?
HUTCH: The wedding night is traditionally spent camping out in the wilderness. To prove the couple’s resilience and cement their bond on a fundamental level.
We must become one with the wilderness, connect deeply with one another and commune with nature.
We can dine out on leafy greens like kale, spinach, and lettuce, as well as root vegetables like carrots, beets, and turnips. And the snowdrops will be in full bloom. It will be beautiful, Starsk!
The bears can be quite friendly, too, if you approach them carefully.
And as for the wolves…
STARSKY: C-camping? B-bears? Wolves?! Ah, uh, H-ut-ch… I – I gotta go home. Get some clothes an’… And pepper spray. And …
HUTCH: No need, buddy. You keep plenty of clothes right here. Besides, I’ve already packed for the both of us.
STARSKY: You’ve already? You’ve! Why, you…!!!
HUTCH: It’s just like you said, Starsk. Me and Thee, babe.
Me and Thee.
Forever.
Heh heh heh…
Finito